I didn't expect it to be more painful after divorce than before. I miss her very much. After all, we have loved each other deeply. More than ten years have passed since we were students. How can you say that you are separated? There are many things that are inseparable. For example, if she doesn't come back on time to see her two children aged 5 and 7, I will be very angry and think that she ignores her mother's responsibility, and then they will quarrel. We quarreled from before to after the divorce.
I really don't know what to do. I seem to want her to come back, be a good mother and take good care of this family, but on the other hand, she is very painful and emotional, and can't accept what happened in the past. Someone suggested that I should move on, stop thinking about the past, make new friends and start over. But some people advised me that if I can't let her go, I should go back to her and get back together. What the hell should I do?
Analysis of Psychological Counselor
Before making a major decision, a person usually hesitates or vacillates, and it is difficult to make up his mind to make the right choice. If it is a very painful and embarrassing thing, such as divorce after an affair, I am afraid it will be even more difficult. Judging from your description, you must have suffered a lot.
You said you felt humiliated, your self-esteem was hurt, and you felt angry and miserable. What I want to tell you is that these reactions are normal. When a partner's feelings change, a person will feel betrayed, angry, shocked or humiliated because of infidelity. I also think that if you can't trust your partner, you will lose trust in other people or things. Some people will doubt themselves, lose confidence in themselves, and feel that others seem superior, attractive and lose their self-dignity.
Some people may still relive the feeling of betrayal, which may be the facts they know, or some pictures or dialogues. Some people feel confused and numb, unable to eat or sleep well, and unable to control their physical and mental conditions. These are normal feelings of loss and trauma.
I guess you may have experienced some of the above situations, just like you said, "When you are angry, divorce your wife quickly", but it seems that a quick divorce did not solve the problems of the two of you, only solved the problem of finding out that your wife was having an affair at that time. For the next period of time, you feel more painful and have more emotional ups and downs.
Maybe now is a good time to go back and see if this decision is correct? What made you so determined to get a divorce? Is it because two people can't solve the problem? Or just for face and dignity? What changes can be made or changed now?
As you asked, should we get back together? Or move on and let go? There are two choices before us. No matter which decision you make in the end, I suggest you take a long time to look at it. Imagine looking at the decision you make now in five or ten years. Under what circumstances will there be less regret?
What is the willingness and possibility of reorganization?
In your letter, you mentioned that "you miss her very much. After all, two people are deeply in love, and many things are inseparable ",and you also mentioned that" you seem to want her to come back, be a good mother and take care of this family ". I can see from these feelings that you want to get back together.
But I suggest you think about the following two questions first and make a rational evaluation.
Q 1: emotionally, how much do you want two people to be together again? If it is 1 to 10, 1 means I don't want it at all, and 10 means I want it very much.
Q2: In reality, what do you think is the possibility of getting back together? If it is 1 to 10, 1 is completely impossible, and 10 is most likely.
After asking yourself, you should also know about your wife. If you can still have a good dialogue and communication with your wife, just ask her directly to find out her true feelings. If you can't ask, you have to evaluate your wife's wishes and possibilities in your mind.
If the scores of both people are high, it means that the chances of getting back together are greater. If the score is not high or the gap between the scores is too big, for example, if you want to but your wife doesn't want to, you should measure your mind, physical strength, time and perseverance, and will it save your wife? Is the return on investment worth it?
In addition to evaluating the wishes of both parties, don't forget to evaluate the available resources, both concrete and abstract. Specifically, it will be very helpful if there are any relatives and friends who can talk well, such as mother-in-law or brothers and sisters. Or friends of two people, or people who have influence on their wives, can ask them for help.
The emotional foundation of the two of you is another abstract and invisible resource, which exists in the hearts of two people, just like the good memories of the past and the ups and downs you have experienced.
For another example, the wife's understanding is another favorable resource. No one should know better than you what she likes and dislikes, what can impress her and what will disgust her. You have been in love for more than ten years, and both your past memories and your understanding of each other should be very rich and precious.
The road to reunion is not so easy. We must learn to let go and forgive what has happened-wife's affair. The book Out of the Extramarital Affairs once mentioned that completely forgetting doesn't mean that you are a good person morally, and forgetting doesn't mean that you are poor or not cultivated enough. Things are not easy to forget. Like the 92 1 earthquake, 1988 flood, air crash and gas explosion in Taiwan Province Province, it is very painful for many people and will definitely leave bad memories, but it can be rebuilt after the disaster. After reconstruction, it will indeed be different from the original appearance, but after reconstruction, new life will emerge and resilience will be exercised, just as two people may have a new relationship and be closer than before.
The road to reconciliation is to test each other, learn to trust each other, and endure the uneasiness that you may be affected. You can't treat this as if it never happened, but you can't always talk about it and punish each other. We must find a good new interaction mode and move on.
If you can't do it yourself, you can find a marriage counselor you can trust to help you expand the way of conversation and communication between two people and avoid repeating hurtful words and falling into a vicious circle of mutual harm.
Similarly, after the reunion, things that used to quarrel and rub will still happen in the future, that is, the original differences, conflicts and incompatibility between two people depend on how the two people continue to compromise, coordinate, make concessions or have a * * * cognition. Husband and wife are not completely unable to quarrel, but should establish some good communication methods in the process of quarreling to meet each other's needs.
Let go bravely and look forward.
In addition to evaluating compounds, another option before you is to choose to put it down and look forward. In your letter, you mentioned that a friend suggested that you meet new people as soon as possible and start over. Maybe this can divert your pain and forget the entanglements of your previous marriage. But before that, I suggest you be a good single father, take care of yourself, and let your work, family and children settle down.
This road is really hard to walk. At first, I will feel lonely, just like a samurai going out to fight. I have to bear many things alone. Maybe I could share it with my wife and solve it together in the past, but now I have to bear it all. You can help yourself in the following ways:
● Understand your emotions and feelings first. I believe there must be a lot of anger in your heart, but anger can make people strong. There are often complex emotions hidden behind anger, which may be their own anxiety, fear or doubt, or they may still love each other deeply.
The opposite of love is often not hate, but indifference. When we have no feelings for a person, we don't really care, so if there is still strong anger or resentment in our hearts, it means that we have invested a lot of heart and energy in it.
Learn to live with pain, pay attention to emotional changes, allow these emotions to visit you, don't be too hard on yourself, settle your emotions, and cultivate appropriate ways to relieve stress, such as having good exercise habits, engaging in leisure and entertainment that you like, or getting together with friends and family.
It is deceptive to have emotional loss without pain. Practice watching your anger and loss together with these feelings, give yourself a quiet time every day, meditate alone, and allow these feelings to come and go, just as mindfulness psychologists say, "It is your mood that is bad, not yours."
● Check where you are most vulnerable? Are you still unable to accept the fact that you are divorced? When friends, relatives and colleagues casually ask questions, hesitate and don't know how to answer them, or when someone casually asks about family life during holidays or important company activities, it seems to evoke inner scars and pains. These emotional feelings actually reflect the true self behind them, whether they feel humiliated, whether such things will happen to their wives, or whether they feel bad and inferior to other men, and so on.
Re-recognize yourself and see your vulnerability, so that you can face the people outside and ask for help from outside, and you won't be alone in pain and loneliness.
● Rebuild the living order, stabilize family work and rest, find suitable resources and handle family affairs. A single father is harder than a single mother because he may lose his marriage and the original rhythm and pace of his family, because usually his wife is in charge of everything.
Therefore, single fathers need to seek available resources, such as a place where they can take care of their children aged 5 or 7 for a long time, or have suitable relatives and friends to take care of them for a long time, so that they can spare no effort to work with peace of mind. You can also join a group of single fathers who are related by blood. From this group, people in similar situations will not feel so lonely, and there will be many resources to share and exchange and establish their own support system.
I believe that relatives and friends who know your situation must be willing to help you, and they are also very important and good backing.
● Also look back at the relationship with his wife and what difficulties have occurred between them. You said, "We have been arguing from before to after the divorce." In your past quarrels and conflicts, did you all stick to your own views and ideas and find it difficult to accommodate or coordinate your differences? If this is the case, then you should think about whether there are other ways to communicate when there is a contradiction in the relationship. Only by learning to coordinate, make concessions or find a balance point can we have a chance to develop a good relationship, and two people will continue to love each other and live together. Otherwise, whether you get back together with your wife or develop a new relationship, you may just repeat the same problem and enter a new relationship with old problems.
● I didn't talk about good things before the divorce, but I still have to find an opportunity to say it. Including the legal distribution of husband and wife's property, the sharing of children's education expenses before the age of 20, and the rights and interests of visiting children. The clearer the better. It seems that you divorced by agreement, not by court decision. Therefore, two people should make an agreement by themselves to avoid disputes after many years, like many social news, and sue for child support or education fees after many years of divorce.
If you two start quarreling now, you can ask a neutral third party for help, such as friends and relatives who both trust, or a professional marriage counselor, or an experienced court family coordination Committee. These have different resources to use. The better the relationship between two people, the less formal channels are needed to coordinate. The more tense the relationship, the more formal channels are needed.
● Pay attention to children's emotional changes. Whether it is reunion or separation, we should pay attention to their feelings about this matter, listen to their thoughts, and don't let the children misunderstand. Some children will think that they caused their parents to divorce and feel guilty. Tell children that parents can't continue to love and live, but they will always be parents and will take care of them and reassure their children. Don't personally attack the other half in front of the children, which will easily lead to contradictions and conflicts within the children, and will also affect the children's recognition of their parents for a long time.
Let children see their mothers regularly, continue to maintain their relationship with children, and let children trust adults instead of their mothers disappearing from their lives and taking care of their emotional needs. That's why it's necessary to talk to their wives about visiting their children and let her know how important it is to them.
● Finally, don't put your emotions on your child, and let your child maintain social interaction and interaction with other relatives and friends. Allow children to be sad, miss their mothers, and reduce the changes in their lives.
Don't fall into a new relationship before facing the injury, tidy yourself up and settle down in your family life. Usually new relationships are sweet, but it is easy to repeat past problems.
When complaining about why you always meet the same problems and people, you might as well look at this relationship first, learn from it and improve your ability to manage intimate relationships. You will find that accidents in life often give us great benefits and blessings.
Is this it?