Often for some trivial things, it turns into a big fight, and even to the point of family disintegration. I have observed quarrels caused by conflicts, and emotions are the main culprit. Because of emotion, it leads to endless quarrels, and the contents of quarrels can never be reconciled, losing the core essence of family members.
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How to resolve these conflicts?
In Lost in Russia, Xu Ivan and Zhang Lu quarreled constantly. Xu Ivan broke Zhang Lu's cooperation in business. Zhang Lu asked: What did I do wrong? Ivan said, "You didn't do anything wrong, but you are too reasonable. Will you stop being so unreasonable? Reasoning emotionally is the biggest irrationality. " .
Should marriage be reasonable or unreasonable?
Judging from many psychological counseling cases and my own life experience, since I love each other, I will pretend to be each other in my heart, and I will pay attention to each other's feelings when I speak and do things. In other words, we should consider both our own needs and the needs of each other. A good marriage should be the coexistence of love and reason.
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Love is the emotional bond of marriage, the vitality of marriage and the source of marriage happiness. In the triviality of the family, within the rational and correct scope, try to do emotional and pleasant things. At home, without breaking the law or involving morality, be less rational and leave some emotional space for your family.
For example, family members forget to bring their keys when they go out, want to sleep in, want something they like, or don't wash dishes and mop the floor in time. TA people just did something they were happy about and didn't hurt others, so forget it. Never mind, making everyone feel happy is the first priority.
Rationality is the basic law of marriage, the safe boundary of family and the firm guarantee of marriage. Be reasonable about the right and wrong of marriage, especially when it comes to some concepts of right and wrong, personality and morality.
For example, a man betrayed his marriage and told his wife that men are like this now, which is a big deal-this is what he thinks of as "reason." So, as a wife, should I reason with him at this time? Right or wrong, of course. If he believes that betrayal is nothing all his life, this family can't be happy.
At home, even in various interpersonal relationships, we try our best to do the right thing in a pleasant way, take care of everyone's mood, and make others happy when you are happy.
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Some people think that a family should talk about love, not reason. Some people use this sentence to justify their own irrationality or even irrationality. In marriage, they are selfish and only care about their feelings. You have to listen to me. If your ideas are different from mine, you must obey me. I am the truth. I found it in some film and television works, including TV and advertisements. In men's chat, women are regarded as unreasonable creatures, while men are generous and tolerant, belittling women's IQ and EQ, exaggerating men's IQ and EQ, and thinking that women's IQ is not enough to discuss truth with men.
For example, when men and women are discussing something and can't reach an agreement, men usually say, forget it, I won't argue with you. Obviously put yourself in a better position than women. In marriage, if a man is willing to reason with you, it means that he puts you in an equal relationship. Anyone who has the possibility of being reasonable can be reasonable and communicate rationally and equally, which is the root of all problems.
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Usually, unreasonable people, in the family, are precisely the people who decide the fate of the family. Because reasonable people are generally used to giving way to each other, while unreasonable people are usually self-centered.
The final result is that an unreasonable, powerful and paranoid person controls this marriage and this family. In the process of psychological counseling, many visitors' psychological trauma is also based on the irrationality of one parent in early childhood, while the other parent shied away and failed to create a healthy family atmosphere for their children. In the process of my partner counseling, most of the partner problems are that when facing contradictions, one or both parties lose their rationality, say a lot of things that hurt their partners, and do a lot of things that hurt their partners. Many couples will upgrade to a major event to maintain their feelings because of some small things. The current high divorce rate is also related to the emotional and irrational communication of partners in the face of conflict. A man came to consult because his wife was getting a divorce. He hoped that I could persuade her not to divorce. Mr. Wang is a person with high IQ, high education and high position, and is the economic pillar of his family. His wife especially supports Mr. Wang's work, and besides her own work, she has to take care of housework and children's education.
But in the relationship between husband and wife, the husband often blames his wife for some small things, and often acts impulsively. It is not easy for a wife to understand her husband's work, and she is always tolerant of his emotional problems. His wife's tolerance did not bring him gratitude and change. On the contrary, he is becoming more and more "unscrupulous".
As long as he is unhappy, he loses his temper with his wife, who wants to communicate. Mr. Wang has nothing to say. Mr. Wang also likes to criticize his wife's mistakes at friends and relatives' parties. His wife always puts up with it first, and then asks him why he denigrates himself in front of relatives and friends.
Mr. Wang said: I tell the truth to make you realize your shortcomings. I can't make you progress by saying this. How can it be regarded as slandering you? Usually when a wife says a word, the husband will accuse her of ten words. The husband's unrelenting attitude finally ignited his wife's anger, and her wife made up her mind to divorce.
Mr. Wang panicked and came to seek psychological counseling. He said: In fact, in my heart, my wife is an angel! ! I have nothing against her. I don't know why I want to find fault with her. Mr. Wang's problems are: subconscious anger, empathy released on his wife, lack of respect for his wife, belittling his wife's value and ignoring his feelings.
In the process of psychological counseling, Mr. Wang Can realized his harm to his wife, reflected on himself, persisted in psychological counseling for a period of time, and explored why he always wanted to blame his wife.
He maintained his self-awareness through mindfulness, learned to empathize, tried to see things from his wife's point of view, rebuilt equal communication, and affirmed his wife's value.
Establish an emotional pause button in your mind: when you want to find fault with your wife, you can pause and distinguish whether this impulse to complain is because your wife has done something inappropriate in reality, or because you have some unspeakable emotions in your heart. There will always be an exit, which will be projected on her and released for him.
If it is true, use descriptive language to express your observations and feelings. If it is an internal emotional problem, it needs to be digested internally. In the end, his marriage continued, and he tried to run it in his own way.
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In family relations, each of us wants to be kind to our family and deal with family problems in the way we think is right. Everyone thinks that they are right and others are wrong, so they have an argument and begin to reason.
The truth should also be based on a mature personality. Some love and reason are mature, while others are distorted. In the family, we have the ability to open our hearts, realize that the family is the place where we practice, maintain self-awareness in the family, develop the ability of caring for each other and improve our psychological level, just like the gentleman in the previous case. Another example is a female visitor: make an appointment for psychological counseling when encountering problems. On this date, she asked me a question: Do I need a divorce? The reason is that her husband began to lose his temper with her. She was in love for three years and married for two years. No matter how young and unreasonable she is, her husband always tolerates her and coaxes her. She said: Recently, her husband lost his temper with me! In her fantasy, everything should be according to her wishes. Against her will, she became furious and had no room for communication.
Her irrationality constantly consumes her husband's love for her, but she takes it for granted. She has no ability to care about her, and no amount of love is useless. Falling in love is based on mutual respect, otherwise it will become a connivance of one party to the other and a relationship of sadism and abuse. A good marriage is not without conflicts and contradictions, but will deal with conflicts in a mature way. Reasonable couples are willing to sit down and communicate well, reason rationally, complain bitterly and solve problems through communication. Immature couples, when there is a contradiction, make trouble without reason, abuse and accuse each other, and unconsciously take venting their emotions and personal attacks on each other as communication and as a solution to the problem.
Summary:
If you want to make sense in marriage, you must package the truth and express it in a way acceptable to both husband and wife, preferably the language of love, which often has the best effect.
Psychology tells us that in life, we deal with "treat others as you want them to treat you."
This is a mature concept, but many people subconsciously hold the unreasonable belief that "what I do to others, others will do to me".
In marriage, we should learn to replace unreasonable beliefs with reasonable beliefs and make our behavior rational. In this way, our contradictions can be less and less. Marriage is never easy, the core is love, and it should be reasonable in principle. Find a comfortable way for two people to get along, and then continue.
Text/Guangzhou Mangrove Psychological Counseling Center You Hong