What is a good feeling for you? The following is what I carefully arranged for you. Everything has to be done together to become a relationship, okay? Welcome to reading.
The first meeting
Xu Jingting and Wei Fang have been married for more than 20 years. One Saturday morning, they came to my clinic.
Their clothes are meticulously ironed and their gestures are appropriate. By contrast, I dress a little casually.
Jingting seems to have hurt her back. Wei Fang helped him to sit down slowly.
"Will the sofa be too soft?" I hope JingTing sit more comfortable, asked.
JingTing shook his hand and smiled and said, "It doesn't matter. 」
"How did you hurt your back?" I asked.
"God knows, I saw several doctors, but I couldn't find the reason. Wei Fang explained for her husband.
Before they came in, I had a general understanding of the topics they wanted to consult from the questionnaires they filled in. Like many couples, when marriage goes to a stable and mature stage with the passage of time, it seems that family ties have replaced the existence of love, adapted to an extremely harmonious life, and led to the lack of enthusiasm in youth.
They hope to find a way to rekindle their love. After all the suggestions of friends and relatives around them failed, they wanted to try psychological counseling.
"We really tried many methods. Jing Ting said.
"We went to the community college to take classes, learn calligraphy, learn flower arrangement, and participate in church activities with other friends. Wei Fang added.
"Do you always take part in these activities together? 」
"yes! All the friends around us suggested that we spend more time together. 」
"Over the years, you rarely have time to live together? 」
"Not really. When Jing Ting talks, her face always contains the pain caused by back muscle twitching.
When they first met, Jingting and Wei Fang roughly described their marriage for more than 20 years. They are high school classmates. Later, Jing Ting went to junior college, and Wei Fang began to work after graduating from high school. After marriage, Jingting worked outside, and Wei Fang concentrated on housework.
Jingting used to do small business in a trading company. After working for two years, she felt tired. With the help of her father, she opened a grocery store. They run it together and take care of the children together. Before the large-scale invasion of convenience stores in Japan, business was not bad, and it was able to maintain the expenses of a family. Later, convenience stores such as 7- 1 1 and the whole family mushroomed, and grocery stores had to be transformed. They joined the hand-cranked beverage shop and also sold pot-stewed vegetables.
In the past few years of marriage, Wei Fang has given birth to three children, a man and two women, all of whom are very filial. A year ago, the marriage between Jingting and Wei Fang was in crisis. At an age when relatives and friends advised them to leave their jobs and enjoy leisure. After several discussions, the two men let the children go to the store. Although the deposit is not rich, it is enough for them to re-plan their lives.
"We just got back from Italy last month. In addition to attending classes and church activities, Wei Fang talked about their experience of traveling abroad this year, and his face was filled with excitement and joy. She took out the cross necklace she bought from the Vatican and motioned Jingting to show me his, too. Jingting doesn't talk much Most of the time, Wei Fang is talking with his hands crossed in front of his navel, staring at his wife quietly for a while and looking thoughtfully at the floor for a while.
At the end of the first consultation, I gave them an assignment to rank their efforts for love in the past year, which they found effective and which were ineffective, in an order.
Minutes of the First Meeting: Two Dynamic Patterns of Marriage Relationship
In the first consultation, Wei Fang took the initiative to share with me their efforts to rekindle love this year. I feel moved when I listen to it. There must be a strong motive behind the act of love in order to promote the implementation of the act. Usually many relationships die before love is passed or even spoken.
However, the power flow in the relationship must rely on the joint efforts of two people to develop.
Generally speaking, there are two types of dynamic activities, one is like "playing table tennis", in which one person gives out energy actively and the other person reacts to it. For example, Wei Fang proposed to travel, and Jingting had the right to choose whether to go or not. Whether yes or no, the response will transfer this energy to Wei Fang. Wei Fang then asked, "Where are you going? Jingting put forward his own views on travel destinations and so on, and energy kept flowing between them.
The other is like "fighting on horseback", where two people, Qi Xin, work together to carry out a goal. For example, Jing Ting chose to leave her job and go home to open a grocery store, and Wei Fang chose to support her husband, so they operated together. They work hard together to face customers, think about how to make profits, fight side by side in their careers, and share the responsibilities of work and raising children.
Both basic modes can intensify the continuous emergence of energy, but the difference is that the former can see each other better, just like understanding each other's personality and ideas better in differences of opinion. The latter are more familiar with the tacit understanding between * * * and life, and adjust a mutually comfortable cooperation mode.
Most relationships are a mixture of two models, but often one of them is particularly prominent, which depends on the balance and imbalance of husband and wife relationship, introversion and extroversion of personality and other factors. Through the analysis and cognition of the two models, we can help us to clarify the reasons why some relationships become disharmonious and turn them into a model that is harmonious to both sides.
The second meeting
An accident happened before this meeting. Jingting called me two days before the appointment. He wants me to discuss it with him alone. In this regard, I said that this is not in line with the professional ethics of psychological counseling, because in marriage counseling, if you consult one of them alone, it is equivalent to denying the original intention of both parties to be honest in the counseling room.
I encourage Jingting to think about what he wants to talk to me about and whether he can say it in the presence of Wei Fang. On the other side of the microphone, he mumbled for a while and said, "I'll think about it." Thank you, Miss Gao. 」
On the day of the meeting, we discussed the homework for the first meeting. Traveling together, especially this time to Italy, he ranks first in the most helpful, and the least helpful thing is to have an activity of "sharing today's life" before going to bed every night.
"He is always sleepy and still says those words." Wei Fang smiled on her face and didn't mean to blame. She pointed to Jing Ting and said.
"At my age, there is nothing new in life." Jing Ting said seriously.
I took out two pieces of paper and handed them to them respectively. I said, "As for your ranking, please add 1 to 5 to each item above. The bigger the number, the greater the effect you think; The smaller the number, the worse the effect. If you feel that it is counterproductive, you can score negative points. 」
After Jing Ting and Wei Fang filled it out, I asked them to spread it out for everyone at the scene.
Wei Fang looked surprised when she saw what Jingting had written.
Jingting's scores of these activities are all between 0 and 3, which is obviously not very satisfactory, and through the figures, we can find that his ranking is different from Wei Fang's. On the other hand, Wei Fang's number size and sorting content are exactly the same. Wei Fang scored five points for her trip to Italy and one point for sharing before going to bed.
"What do you mean? Wei Fang asked Jingting.
Jingting's expression was still so calm, as if he had never been dissatisfied and said, "I am in poor health and don't like to walk." 」
"That you still accompany me to class, travel? 」
"Do you like, of course I want to go with you. 」
"It seems that I forced you. 」
"You didn't force me, I really want to accompany you, but I don't have much interest in these activities. I just like staying at home and watching newspapers and TV. 」
"Don't we retire just to make life more interesting? Isn't it just to let us find love again like when we were young? Don't you care about these things at all? 」
Wei Fang even raised many questions. JingTing speechless, frowning, want to comfort but don't know how to start. He sat beside his wife and put his arm around her. Wei Fang fell on his shoulder.
I pushed the paper box to Wei Fang to wipe her tears.
"Is it difficult to be with me? Wei Fang cried gently for a while and asked her husband.
Jingting quickly said, "What are you talking about? 」
"Then why is the distance between us getting farther and farther? 」
"People who don't understand are talking nonsense. I think we have a good relationship! 」
"You don't pull others, or do you think the problem is with me? 」
Jing Ting and Wei Fang, the harmonious atmosphere between them, changed direction with their different views on ranking.
For the first time, the two of them began to face an idea that they had never thought of before. "What if it is not suitable to be together?" 」
Summary of the second meeting: there is only one answer to the success of marriage?
Through the second meeting, we can see that Jingting and Wei Fang tend to get along in the "table tennis" mode, and the willingness and strength of serving are basically Wei Fang. In the past, when they were running grocery stores or other businesses together, they spent more time and energy on their work, so they played the role of "fighting on horseback", but this did not change their personalities, but because work occupied most of their time every day, they did not have enough opportunities to show each other's true personality patterns.
The possible differences between the two sides may not be revealed if they continue to do so. It is Jing Ting and Wei Fang who feel that they are too old to feel love and want to spend more time cultivating their feelings after retirement, which makes them have to face the differences in personality and relationship.
This is the relationship between husband and wife, and all relationships are unpredictable. Sometimes our efforts to solve problems, instead of solving problems, highlight the real problems and even create new ones.
No model is perfect, and the relationship changes like the weather. Even with early warning, when the weather really changes, it often flashes by. No matter what preparations we make, the soles will inevitably get wet.
But the so-called ideal relationship, or more directly, a "successful" marriage consultation, does it mean that the two people are more inseparable after consultation? The two parties who want to divorce are reconciled again, otherwise they will fail?
The third meeting
"This week, what's the difference between you and before?" I'll ask two people with questions.
"We closed classes at the community college this week, trying to sort out things that we didn't think clearly before. Like the previous two times, Wei Fang is always the first to respond.
"Jing Ting, can you tell me something about how you got along with your wife this week? What's the difference from before?" I asked Jingting.
"As she said, we didn't go to class this week. Jingting responded.
"You used to enhance the relationship between other activities also stopped? 」
"What do you mean? 」
"Like to share before going to bed. 」
"Those also stopped. 」
I want to change the motivation of the group, so I will reduce the use of the word "you", which refers to the relationship between two people, because the word has lost its original meaning. Jingting and Wei Fang, their initial false harmonious relationship has been broken. Therefore, in this meeting, I even emphasized that two people should express their opinions, and even asked one of them for their opinions. Before Wei Fang expressed her opinions, she gave Jing Ting more opportunities to make statements.
In another way of asking questions, Wei Fang lost the vitality of the previous two conversations and talked less, but she still showed her dominant position in the relationship. Jingting is basically waiting for Wei Fang to serve, but he has begun to get used to expressing himself. As the talks went on, he was more willing to express his views than the previous two times.
From the sharing of all the activities stopped this week, they gradually mentioned the contradictions that had existed in marriage in the past 20 years. There has never been a fierce conflict between them, and most of the contradictions are trivial matters, and these things will remain silent in Jingting or be persuaded by words, and Wei Fang's self-view of the incident will turn from fierce to calm, and finally come to an end.
Summary of the third meeting: how to exchange personal sacrifice for relationship satisfaction
Marriage counseling will see beautiful pictures, such as two people working together to maintain a relationship and protect a family from falling apart. You will also see a gloomy picture. Both sides want to seize power, destroy the relationship, or give each other a second injury at the negotiation site. Counselors are sometimes promoters of harmonious relations and sometimes mediators of conflicts.
However, whatever the role, it is very important to present the motives of both parties in the marriage relationship. When both sides lack motivation, as rollo may said, "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. This may really symbolize a sign that a relationship is coming to an end.
During this meeting, they began to reflect on their marriage in the past 20 years, not just trying to achieve an "ideal" marriage state through various efforts.
More importantly, Jingting and Wei Fang began to rethink what they wanted, instead of thinking about what "we" wanted, because this "we" was based on a clear understanding of both sides, otherwise this "we" was false and empty. Just like we will see many star couples, they get a lot of information about their marriage through the media, but this information can not be rashly used as the standard of business relations.
Each individual has its own particularity, and the different features of marriage life may lead to different problems and challenges.
Postscript: We talked about it six times.
After the fourth meeting, they gave up all kinds of plans to do everything together before. What activities does Wei Fang like to participate in? If Jingting is not interested, Wei Fang will go by herself. Wei Fang gradually accepted and believed that Jingting did not participate in these activities, not because he was divorced, but because he just liked to stay at home and do some static activities. They will still go to community colleges, but the courses are different.
After the last meeting, Wei Fang went downstairs first. Taking advantage of this gap, he remembered what Jingting had called before but didn't say. Jingting noticed my eyes and realized that I was a little embarrassed. He said, "I wanted to ask you at that time, do everything together, because everyone around me said so." Now I understand. 」
I nodded and asked, "Does your back still hurt? 」
Jing Ting smiled and said, "Much better. 」
Can the back pain that the body can't find out the reason come from psychology? Jingting's answer solved an assumption I made when I first met.
On the surface, after retiring, Jingting and Wei Fang no longer "fight on horseback", as if they were less active and seemed alienated. In fact, their retirement has just begun, and they finally have time to do what they like.
For example, the activities shared by the two people before going to bed did not end, just changed the content. Wei Fang shared the contents of his class and the joy of making new friends. When Jingting doesn't have to fully participate in all activities, he is happy for his wife. At the same time, Wei Fang was pleasantly surprised to feel her husband's elegance when she listened to Jing Ting share her reading experience and read her some articles.
There is a boundary between husband and wife, and it doesn't have to be very close to prove that they love each other. That line is always changing, when one side needs support, the other side is close to give warmth; When one side needs a person to meditate silently, the other side pulls away to give the other side space.
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