A said, "If you scream again, I'll have someone hit you!" " "
B said, "I don't believe you when you call."
Then, A really ran to make a phone call, and when he came back, he put a malicious sentence: "You will know how to die in 30 minutes!"
At this time, B was extremely nervous, but he could do nothing. After 30 minutes, the school broadcast sounded: B A classmate, you have a visitor, please go to the academic affairs office. Although B is scared, I think it's in the academic affairs office, so it should be fine. So he went to the academic affairs office, and a blond boy came up and said, "Are you B?"
B: "I am."
Blonde youth: "Sorry to have kept you waiting. Here's 10 Hawaiian pizza with chicken, and it's ***5300 yuan each.
Late at night, after correcting the last test paper, Mr. Wang turned on the radio wearily and wanted to listen to music to relax. DJ's voice came from the radio: "All students in Class X, Grade Three, xx Middle School dedicate this song to their beloved teacher Wang xx, thanking him for giving them countless exercises over the years (especially this year) and precious practice opportunities." Hearing this, Mr. Wang's eyes were moist, and a gratified smile appeared on his tired face. The DJ of the radio station went on to say, "Now, let's listen to this song, Li Huimin's" You won't have a good result ". "
3. After writing homework for half a day, Xiao Li turned on the radio conveniently, and a gentle voice came out: "If the skin color is reddish and the fluff on his face is tender and soft, it means that he is healthy ..."
Xiao Li couldn't help touching his face, looking in the mirror and laughing again, and suddenly felt healthy and lovely.
At this time, the announcer said, "Well, listeners, this time our lecture on pig raising is here."
When we were in high school, some teachers were very strict with their students. A group of students have been oppressed for a long time, so they discussed looking for opportunities to punish their teachers. On this day, a teacher was in class, and a boy sitting in the back showed a painful expression, clutching his stomach and moaning gently. The teacher ignored it and went on teaching.
The teacher just turned to write on the blackboard when the boy suddenly issued "Wow! Wow "vomiting sound. A boy at the same table poured a bottle of eight-treasure porridge on the table with great speed. When the teacher turned around, he saw that the table was full of yellow and white things. At this time, another boy took out a small spoon, scooped up the things on the table one by one, and said while chewing, "Hey, this guy ate peanuts at noon."
The teacher vomited wildly when he saw this.
5. The teacher asked the students: Who hasn't died since ancient times, you take the next sentence. Student A: Since ancient times, people haven't shit, and people haven't shit with paper. The teacher was very angry and told the students to stand up. The next year, the teacher asked the students the same question. At this time, students become smarter. He replied: since ancient times, people have not shit, and people have not used paper to shit. If you don't use toilet paper, unless you use your fingers. The teacher was very angry and asked the students to stand up! At this time, the teacher saw that it was snowing outside the window. Unfortunately, it didn't rain when it snowed, but it turned into rain when it reached the ground. How troublesome it is to turn into rain. Why didn't it rain at first? The student answered the teacher: the teacher doesn't eat shit when he eats, but it becomes shit when he eats it. How troublesome it is to turn into shit. Why didn't you eat shit in the first place So the teacher fainted on the spot!
6. The geography teacher asked: Where does the river flow? A student suddenly stood up and sang: The river flows east! The teacher ignored him and then said, how many stars are there in the sky? Students sing again: all the stars in the sky can participate in Beidou! The teacher is short of breath: get out! Student: Just leave! The teacher is helpless: Are you sick? Student: You have it, I have it all! Teacher: Try singing one more sentence! Student: yell for life when you see an uneven road! Teacher: Do you believe I'm playing you? Student: Do it when you should! The teacher was angry: I told you to drop out of school! Student: Wind, wind, fire, Jiuzhou!
Ha ha. . . Pass it on to your friends, smile more and worry less.
There are three people in the family, named robber, kitchen knife and trouble.
One day, the trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "hello, I'm a robber." I am looking for trouble with a kitchen knife. "
Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, haha died. Hee hee is very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you are dead."
On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." - "
On Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. - "
On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to keep a large face value and forge a copy. Please consciously hand it over to the relevant departments. - "
On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue straits talent newspapers. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper. 1 Remarks: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! - "
On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes, which will affect the normal work of our company. - "
On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone, and a note was stuffed in my waistband: "What you robbers hate most is that you have no technical content at all! Confiscate the tools of crime! - "
On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. You can take a taxi to where you want to go, please don't mess with us. "
Three mice are bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." Another said, "I like to walk in the street twice a day, otherwise I won't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late. Go home and hug the cat to sleep."
The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "The child comes out of my stomach, of course it is mine!" " The husband said, "Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? No one inserted the card! ?
A mother said to the little girl, "If someone molests you, touch the top and say" No ",and touch the bottom and say" Stop "! 」
The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying for her mother. After the little girl listened, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that man?" 」
The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched me up and down, and I said," Don't stop! ! 」
Ge Liang is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I am afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. Sorry, he had an idea and said, "Master, I'll call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again, Gang."
You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. "
A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn.
Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves) …" ~ ~? #￥** ......
As a primary school student, I am particularly envious when I see my classmates who are assigned to read the composition by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.
"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"
Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ...
This time, I am the host of a song and dance troupe, and I am not proficient in learning.
At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready.
The performance takes turns.
It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: "Du Zi" means swearing in Northeast dialect)
The audience dumped a piece? #￥-
My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.
My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year and said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, it's too rough ... "
My mother and I both laughed.
There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.
I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."
Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.
My classmate anonymous, one day feeling sorry for himself, suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair nice?"
He was startled and said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."
Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...
There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "
Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.
The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.
Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.
Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.
I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.
The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.
The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"
Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "
Ugly child
A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" " "
The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" " "
The man replied, "You go and get even with him at once, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ……"
A joke that you can't speak Mandarin well.
1, the fish seller shouted at the top of his lungs, "fish, fish." Not to be outdone, a jujube seller nearby immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh,no." "Fish." "Shit." The more fish sellers listen, the more wrong they are. He felt that the jujube seller was deliberately targeting him, so they quarreled.
The director of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He doesn't even speak Mandarin, but only speaks dialects at ordinary times. So he sent his subordinates to find translators, and when he came back, he reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the factory director's dialect". The factory director said, "Easy. Let's invite another teacher from our town to translate our dialect into Mandarin first. " The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I arrive in Japan, I have to ask someone to translate Japanese Mandarin into Kobe dialect. "
A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in this city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked, "Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (sorry) ..." Before the words were finished, the young lady blushed with anger.
4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of jiaozi)?" Hearing this, the waiter changed his face and screamed, "Rogue!" Hearing this, the southerner said, "It's only sixty cents, which is cheap. Come for one night (bowl). "
5. A brother and sister farmer used a scooter to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how much is your little sister?" Big brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead.
6. Niu Laobo is shouting loudly: "The moon cakes are sold, and ten are four dollars." Many people gathered around to buy this "cheap" moon cake, and only when they paid did they know that the moon cake for the elderly was four yuan for ten yuan.
7. The old people in the nursing home held a party on the night of Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said: "Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is really damn (start). Please be quiet. "
8. A northerner inquired where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched according to the answer and found the "men's room".
9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, you should die first." After that, the bride said to the groom, "My mother-in-law is dead, will you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you are dead, and finally I am dead." Hearing this, the mother-in-law was livid and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why are you still alive?"
10, an old lady in Putian sells sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner came to the old lady's booth to buy sugar cane. Just after weighing the sugar cane, the car started without paying. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you." Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane, so they quickly got on the bus.
1 1. A country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter greeted her warmly: "What do you want, miss?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)."
12, Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurried forward to say hello and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) is really cute."
13, a rural primary school was having a class, and the teacher came into the classroom: "Stand (sit in) the class." The students said in unison, "It's good to be old and dead!" The teacher said, "Students, it's good to die early!" "
14, two country girls came back from the city. It's getting late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and a girl said, "Comrade, can we be your wife (car)?" The driver said angrily, "Who wants you to be my wife?" Another girl quickly said, "It doesn't matter, we are very close." The driver was so angry that he drove away and thought, "Who will go with you?"
15, the village chief said at the villagers' meeting: "Rabbits, shrimps and pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's trotters." Translate his dialect into Mandarin: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now. Don't talk, but pay attention.
When my friends and I first moved, there was no TV at home, which was very boring. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then we can change the channel by pretending that we have a remote control. This son of a bitch keeps changing channels. I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Then we started fighting.