Grandma or grandma used to go to the morning market to buy fresh vegetables, meat and eggs needed for dinner that day, so she started preparing early. Parents and children usually habitually sleep for a while, because it is a weekend and they start cleaning after breakfast. A good father will habitually help his mother clean up, and the children will either play alone, watch TV or be asked to go back to their rooms to do their homework. When having meals, children will habitually sit between their mothers and grandmothers (grandmothers), whether they are children under 65,438+02 or older children over 65,438+02. Moreover, in the process of eating, women on both sides habitually cook well and make nutritious dishes for the "children" in the middle in their own ideas.
In this description, I use a lot of "habitual", because we find that as long as the whole family goes to eat together, it is the same process, the same order, the same action, and even the topics mentioned by each character at the dinner table are habitual fixed topics. On the surface, these habits seem to be the casual and individual expression of each family member, but from a deeper perspective, they are actually the unique family culture of each family.
When it comes to culture, it is not as unfathomable as people think. In fact, it is a manifestation of conscious and unconscious thinking, behavior, language, spirit and psychology displayed by three meals a day and trivial matters of life. For example, is your family used to eating northern food or southern food? For example, do family members use more Mandarin or dialects in daily communication, or do they use multiple languages in different scenes and occasions, and Mandarin, English, Minnan dialect, Hakka dialect and Spanish all slip around? For example, what is the fixed division of labor of each family member after dinner, and what will they do after cleaning up? For example, for a birthday at home, something must be missing from the dinner table and so on.
So since it is a culture formed in the family for a long time, there must be good and bad points, and it will also have both positive and negative effects on the education of the next generation of children. In many exchanges and sharing with parents, we have been explaining to you the following idea: As long as all family members know that the mother is pregnant with a new life, any trivial matters in family life can not be handled by a single family trivial level, but a relatively scientific new life operation mechanism suitable for the pregnancy, life and growth of the new life needs to be gradually established.
Of course, the premise is that the elders love this child very much and have expectations for the educational results. In other words, every family member has the responsibility to create an excellent family culture for their children's educational growth, which is also involved in two family functions: educational function and cultural function.
In fact, this concept has entered the consciousness of many families, but most of them are still stumbling forward in the process of wanting to do it! It is true that we can do well from recognition to real implementation, and this distance is not generally far. However, if we don't do it, our parents will find it more and more difficult to deal with things that were not straightened out in the early stage, or to correct or change them later, and many of them are irreversible. The cost of education will be higher and higher, and it will be more and more out of people's rational control, until the emotional and psychological collapse of parents.
We don't recommend that parents always take a lucky attitude, or step by step, one day at a time, which is extremely harmful to the growth of children, the future, and the present and future of the family. Let's take a look at the following case:
Children's general growth background:
I followed a four-year-old child for five years. Share with you the experience of this child eating at the dining table: a boy, an only child, usually has grandparents and parents at the lunch table, and the family dining table is round. From the time the child can run and jump into the kitchen, he is asked by his grandmother and parents to sit between his mother and grandmother for dinner, which continues until the child is in the third grade.
From the child's own point of view: normal intellectual development, language movement and other physiological functions are also normal, indicating that the child's natural foundation is still good. Judging from the current assessment of learning ability, it is entirely possible for children to achieve good educational results as long as they are properly intervened.
As far as the relationship between family members is concerned, grandparents have always adhered to the principle of family and prosperity. Both parents are civil servants, and the family conditions are not plentiful. Basically, children's learning needs will be met, and their parents' relationship is relatively harmonious, with few physical conflicts.
Current situation of children:
① At the dinner table: Even if the child is a primary school student who is about to enter the fourth grade in the third grade, he habitually sits between his mother and grandmother actively or passively. If there are any delicious and nutritious dishes on the table, all four adults habitually put them in the bowl, especially grandma, and what's more, grandma will pick up the hot dishes and blow them for the children to eat. The child has learned to get up and stir directly in the opposite plate with chopsticks. As long as they can get it, they mix it with chopsticks. After eating, they are always used to spitting out a pile of dregs in the bowl, and then saying "full" and getting up to play. There is also learning to talk while eating, and it is an unstoppable rhythm.
② Study: Every day during study and homework, a parent is with me. All the study tasks and homework contents were checked by his parents' mobile phones. There is no fixed reading time and habit. Children who used to listen to their mothers have now learned to refute, and only their fathers can control them. What they think most is what they can play or who they can ask to play with.
Although we can find many problems from some descriptions of the above cases, today I mainly talk to you about how adults can avoid destroying or prolonging children's independence from childhood. That is to say, when the child has normal physical development from birth to 4 or 5 years old and has no experience of organic diseases and accidental injuries, how can adults avoid the lack of independent consciousness and ability caused by the family environment in which the child lives, which will ultimately affect academic performance and healthy psychological construction?
1. The negative role of adults' inherent cognition of gender in the process of educating children.
①
In this case, we found that both grandma and mom, grandpa and dad made the same decision, that is, let the children sit next to women from an early age. The cognitive basis of this decision is, of course, the inherent view of most people in China on the gender function of men and women for thousands of years. Women have not been seeking independence, status and self in society for a long time. Therefore, the recessive and dominant genes inherited by women for thousands of years have not changed much: they have always been meticulous and comprehensive in family performance and more meticulous and patient with children. This kind of family with high cognitive level and high personal quality will be highly respected and cared for, but unfortunately, not all women can get such a high level of treatment.
Often gay men will form the cognition that women should do this for their families all their lives, and there should be no complaints and impatience from their mothers and grandmothers. Similarly, when gay men have their own families and children one day, they will still use this cognition in their ideology and behavior language. But the "should have" in consciousness is completely different from being able to "understand, respect and cherish your wife more" after seeing it. In real life, although I have heard many family men say "how much I love my wife and mother", it is rare to see them have the vision to help women share some housework or emotional garbage. This is not true love.
If it's true love and filial piety, you should help women when they are busy, hurry to get them when they are lifting heavy things, and take a hot drink to take over the rest of the housework when women are tired, so you should help them share more when they are at home. Instead of the so-called "you should do what you want to do", "why don't you have anything" and "how can you forget what to do" So you're welcome to say that many times gay men are lazy and irresponsible, but lesbians are used to it.
②
This habit directly affects the education of the next generation of children in the new era. Everyone denounced "postpartum depression", "widowed parenting" and "widowed marriage", and female friends began to reflect on their education, marriage and life, and began to make changes and corrections as much as possible. But everyone who has experienced it knows how painful this process is. But in the final analysis, this mistake was buried by women themselves, and both the wife and mother of gay men have great responsibility.
Finally, gay men narrowly thought that they would be serious as long as they earned enough money to go home, but they didn't expect a lot of trouble later. For example, due to the unrestrained indulgence of women, children have problems not only in personality, words and deeds, but also in higher-level development contents such as ability and psychology: a fixed behavior of habitually taking care of children makes children lose the opportunity to develop from big and small muscles, hand-eye coordination, body balance and sensory system to physical and brain functions.
This also directly leads to many problems, such as children can't hold the pen correctly, can't continue to write, can't write out of the box, can't sit still, can't complete small-scale production with poor hands-on ability, can't respond to learning content, can't effectively complete learning tasks, and so on. At the same time, children's sense of dependence and control in the process of being taken care of will lead to the failure to form and develop their independent consciousness and ability, and the awakening of self-consciousness will be very late, and there is no way to form individual positive attitudes, behaviors and abilities, which are very important contents in subsequent growth.
③
Apart from the common behavior that female caregivers are too diligent and always love their children, most women can't give their children the strength, courage, creativity, mechanical ability, willpower, discipline, tolerance, mind, boldness and necessary rationality they need in their growth. These are very lacking for many women themselves. If they have another son, they will be even weaker. In real life, not every mother can educate her brother and son like Mi Yue. Therefore, it is not good for men or women to be too strong and arbitrary, and it is not good for them to be too indecisive and weak and lack ideas. This balance can't be built in a day.
2. adults don't understand the hidden dangers of rules in the process of educating children.
In addition, what we can clearly see in this case is that this family lacks proper rules. With the rapid spread of information, we can now see our favorite idols through various platforms, and all kinds of sad events caused by ignorance, contempt and non-compliance. Some time ago, Sun Yang was a typical example. Therefore, parents need to be sensitive to realize that those who break the rules and lack the awareness and ability to enforce the rules, no matter how brilliant you have been, will lose everything and have nothing. I think the education we are doing now is to prevent children from accidentally falling into the mud of rules and not jumping out in the future.
When the child is tossing back and forth in the whole pot or plate, if the adults around him don't stop, they should supervise and correct it. Children are never allowed to participate in preparing meals when they are at home; When a child is not asked to clean up his own dishes and chopsticks, clean up the desktop; Or when a child takes the initiative to wash dishes and chopsticks in order to make money, and never thinks that he should behave like this as a member of the family, then this child will have no future, because selfish children, children without team consciousness, children who don't know how to pay for others, and children who only do things for the benefit are not welcome in the future society. But it is impossible for any child not to enter the society all his life, right?
And when one day such children suddenly find that they can't integrate well into the society and are not accepted by many people and organizations, even if they understand the reasons, they can't correct them in time, because it is not generally difficult for people with stereotypes to change, especially in behavior and action, children can't go back to the furnace to reshape.
Although it is a small scene at the dinner table, it has great influence on children's healthy growth, ability development, academic performance and future life. Parents need to learn not only specific parenting methods, but also the theory and logic behind them. Otherwise, the blind will often touch the elephant and can't see a leaf, but we don't know it. If something happens in the future, there is nothing we can do.
Small dining table, great parenting knowledge, please always remind yourself: there is no small matter at home! This is not a threat, but a sincere reminder and nagging!