Before making a long speech, I have to say a very important point: the cognitive model of human beings. Generally speaking, people's values determine beliefs, beliefs determine choices, choices determine behaviors, and behaviors determine results. Usually people are most likely to pay attention to the "result", because the things at the result level are clear at a glance. Behind the "result", people generally pay attention to "behavior", and few people go further into "choice" or "belief", but these are the real core. In view of this, what we are talking about here is not "behavior", but "belief". In my opinion, what parents believe is more critical than a list of suggested behaviors. Similarly, if we understand children's cognitive patterns, then when we want to change the results, we should pay attention to children's beliefs and different behaviors.
Every parent, whether conscious or not, is educating his children in the direction he thinks is good, because it is human nature to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. For example, some rural parents educate their daughters that "it is useless for girls to learn so much, but it is useful to marry a good family as soon as possible", which is also what they think is a "good direction"-to marry a good family. If you think this is ridiculous, there are several key questions:
1) Have you seriously thought about this problem?
2) If yes, what is the "successful appearance" of education in your mind?
3) If not, do you know which set of standards you use in the "automatic driving" state?
We have seriously thought about this problem. In our minds, successful children are like this:
1) ? be sure of oneself
2) ? Ability to build good relationships.
3) ? Healthy and energetic.
4) ? Have your own hobbies and interests.
5) ? Other common excellent qualities, such as kindness, courage and perseverance.
Writing here, I also found that it is obvious that we regard education and growth as a marathon, not a 100-meter race. Junior high school is the third five kilometers of life at most. Therefore, training long-distance runners is what we think parents really need to do.
First of all, I think the school is responsible for adult education and the family is responsible for growth education. Talent education refers to understanding the outside world, including mastering knowledge, skills and social rules; Growth education refers to learning to understand the inner world, including learning to love and be loved, and building a sense of security and self-esteem. The two institutions, family and school, complement each other, but their responsibilities are independent. If the two are confused, the role of parents will be confused.
The psychological significance of self-confidence is to have a high sense of self-esteem, but always believe that you are excellent and worthy of being loved. What kind of people have confidence? I think it mainly includes the following two aspects:
1) is allowed to be himself.
This part mainly depends on family education. People who are allowed to be themselves always believe that they are good enough to be loved. We believe that every child is a unique sapling at birth, and we have no chance to turn the child into an ideal apple tree or orange tree. The only thing parents can do is to slowly identify what kind of tree this is, and then carefully care for it and allow it to become that tree. The most important moment to test parents is when you know that the apples on the market are the best, and when you find that your child is essentially a wild jujube tree, can you still keep this belief?
Permission includes many things: allowing extroversion and introversion, allowing oneself to make choices about eating and drinking Lazarus, allowing oneself to have their own rhythm, allowing them to have a different definition of success from ours, allowing them to have their own privacy, and so on. If children are allowed to be themselves, there will be no "rebellion", because rebellion comes from not being allowed to be themselves. It is recognized that the mental model of teenagers is characterized by inward pursuit of answers, that is, when the instinct of "being yourself" is the strongest, so there are so many rebellious statements. I'm glad that our children are very close to us at present and don't feel particularly rebellious.
2) Feel your own abilities
Self-confidence must be based on ability. Ability must include IQ, which is innate. What is difficult is how to identify what is determined by IQ and what is not. If we believe that genius belongs to the top 5% of the pyramid, then we must accept that our children probably don't belong to that 5%. Only by accepting this, we will not set unrealistic goals for our children, such as striving for 5% genius goals, and then doomed to failure or wasting too much time. In my opinion, the best Olympic math is the 5%. It is often said in target management that only by learning to set a goal that can be achieved by leaps and bounds can this goal have an incentive effect. And often achieving your goals will make people feel a sense of strength.
There is still a gap between IQ and grades. How to use IQ is a study habit. Mastering knowledge points and skillfully using them are the process of learning and the main responsibility of school education. According to the rhythm of the school, it is the child's own responsibility to complete the homework and master the knowledge points. Parents should always pay attention to whose shoulder the monkey is on. In fact, if children go to most general education schools, especially Gao Wenming, we don't have to worry that the Education Bureau and experienced teachers don't know how to set the curriculum pace according to children's cognitive level. They are more experienced than us. So just follow the rhythm of the school. Professional people do professional things and save the most resources. Many times, we interfere too much in children's learning knowledge education, which is actually a waste of professional resources and belongs to taking the initiative to carry monkeys on their shoulders. Parents have their own life, work and rhythm, and children have their own. Just mind your own business. One thing can only be decided by one person. If there are too many people in charge, it is easy to produce contradictions. Since you worry too much about him, he subconsciously has to give up worrying in order to avoid conflict. Some people say that no matter what, no matter whether he doesn't do his homework, he will put it off. I think it's because I've been running on the wrong track for too long, and even if I stop immediately, I still have some inertia. However, I want to remind you that "don't let the monkey carry it on your shoulder" means that we both know that the ultimate responsible person is the child himself, but the parents are not ignoring this matter, but participating moderately. For example, if children encounter problems or need good reference books, they need a quiet and independent learning environment, which of course requires the support and participation of parents.
If a child often achieves his goals through his own efforts under relatively reasonable goals, then he will inevitably feel a sense of strength and self-confidence will be generated at the bottom.
Good relationship is an important reason to determine a person's happiness index, which has long been confirmed by psychology, and Harvard University has also conducted in-depth research on it. Adolescence is an important period for children to stay in family of origin, and it can also be said that it is the last stage of frequent contact with parents before children fly to freedom and independence. The ability to build a good relationship must be based on his experience as a good relationship. Children are more likely to see what their parents did than what they said. Children are the truest mirror of parents. When we see that there is something wrong with the image in the mirror, the smartest person must be the person in front of the mirror, not putting his hand into the mirror to correct the image. So often ask yourself:
? What is the quality of parental intimacy?
? How do parents view learning?
? How do parents handle conflicts?
? How do parents treat others?
? How do parents treat health?
In short, it is better to live a good life as a good parent. Of course, in addition to setting an example, it is also important to help children understand emotions, face emotions and understand relationships, so I won't go into details. There are some good books or courses to learn this knowledge. It is also a good choice to help your child sign up for an emotional intelligence summer camp or something.
Being healthy here means not getting sick. Being sick is just the bottom line. True health is a highly comprehensive quality of body balance, flexibility, strength, flexibility and endurance. If you look at it this way, this is actually a big goal. There are many things to do, and our family has actually spent a lot of energy on this. For example, guide children to understand the impact of diet and sleep on health, cultivate interest in sports and so on.
In this regard, our family's practice is to read more health books, often share these ideas with children, and practice a healthy lifestyle: eat three meals a day on time, don't eat midnight snack, don't overeat, eat less unhealthy food, correctly understand diseases, and don't go to the hospital as soon as you get sick, so that your body has a time to repair itself. If these are the consistent practices of parents, children will know as soon as they listen. Regarding children's sports hobbies, we have invested a lot of energy to cultivate and accompany them since childhood. Including roller skating when I was a child, swimming when I grew up, table tennis, badminton and basketball. Nowadays, children have formed relatively stable exercise habits. Unless the weather is bad, they will definitely have a fixed time to play basketball every week (Saturday morning) and will take badminton rackets to school to play badminton. Children seldom go to the hospital since childhood. There was a class outbreak of influenza in primary school. He is one of the few children who are not sick. Colds occur every year, but they basically heal themselves at home. Even so, the child's standing posture and sitting posture are still not good, which is what we are more distressed about and need to constantly remind him to make efforts to correct it. To this end, we also installed a horizontal bar at home, hoping that he can stretch often.
Living interestingly is a higher realm of life, which is more important than living usefully, especially for the generation born under such material rich conditions after the Millennium. Interesting and useful are often in conflict, and some interesting things may be useless. Therefore, interest is less functional and more relaxed, and the cultivation of interest is naturally formed. If a person is a rubber band, which is better, an elastic rubber band or a tightly stretched rubber band, the answer is obvious.
For example, learning music, music itself is beautiful, and anyone who can come into contact with truly beautiful music will naturally be infected. But once music becomes a task, its beauty will be greatly reduced. I once heard my colleagues' children tell their mothers that they graduated from primary school and got a score of 10 in the piano exam. I don't want to touch the piano in my life! I don't think this is the original intention of cultivating children to learn music. Therefore, in the matter of children learning violin, we are less compulsive about him, so it is rare that he still maintains a strong interest in music. Music has become an important part of his daily life. When you are happy and unhappy, music will appear in your mind. Sensitivity to music is also relatively high. The first time I heard the theme song of The Godfather at a symphony concert, I thought it was very nice. I searched it and listened to it again and again. He thinks rhapsody in blue is the best music. On one occasion, there were two different interpretations of James ·J·s· Wang's Laughter of the Sea on TV. He said that the second paragraph didn't play drums backstage, which was obviously not as good as the first paragraph. We both woke up from a rude awakening, because we both felt this way, but we didn't know the difference. After watching Kikujiro's summer, I will try to play that famous summer song. ...
Books, movies, these are actually. Because these are beautiful things. What parents need to do is to quietly open the relatively suitable range to him at the right age. When he has the ability to identify himself, he naturally knows how to distinguish between good and bad. When my child was young, it was very serious for me to prepare a list of books and movies for him. His favorite book this year is Three-body. I didn't buy it for him, but he found it himself. I realized that my child has grown up, and the three-body is a brand-new world view, which is the boundary between cognition and imagination.
The traditional weekend program in our family is family movies. We carefully selected a movie suitable for three people to watch together, which was a particularly warm time.
1) I believe that human nature itself is kind and beautiful.
Kindness should be human nature, if there is no poisoning. So this part does not need to be cultivated deliberately. As a parent, you just have to really believe it and then don't destroy it (you don't set a bad example yourself). For example, exploration is actually a child's nature, because the characteristic of childhood mental model is to explore the outside world. If we don't rudely stop children from exploring because of "danger and trouble", let them distinguish between danger and safety, but fully encourage them to explore, and believe that children will retain the brave factor. And so on.
2) The bottom line consciousness is established by parents.
Because children can't tell the difference when they are young, they may sometimes go too far. At this time, the setting of the bottom line is very important. Let children know what is insurmountable, no matter what the reason is. If you exceed it, you will be punished, and you must be punished in time. As for what is the bottom line, it depends on each parent's own values, so I won't discuss it in detail here.
In the cultivation of bottom line awareness, I think electronic products need to be discussed as a topic.
I believe that children in this era will become an island if they don't touch electronic products at all.
At the same time, I also believe that if electronic products are not restricted, people who design games and various apps have fully studied the weaknesses of human nature, so that people cannot extricate themselves. Therefore, it is our current method to arrange the time to use electronic products with children and help them resist "being unable to extricate themselves". We think this is very necessary.
Many times, what people think and do are contradictory. The most common thing is that everyone thinks health is very important, but you have to ask, what has been done in health? You will find that he has actually done nothing, even doing the opposite. As parents, what we have to do is always look back and see if the goals we want are consistent with our efforts in education.
Maybe for some people, being a parent means driving automatically, but I think we should try to have a certain navigation map in our minds. Nature can't always do this, but in general, we must know where we are going and where we are now.
Finally, I want to say that if your success in education is different from my understanding of success, it is normal, so it is normal for you to adopt a different way from mine. You don't have to start shaking what you believe at once, full of anxiety. But suppose your "appearance when you succeed" is similar to what I described, and your current behavior is completely different from what I said, then you need to pay attention.
If you ask me, is what you believe absolutely correct? Frankly speaking, I don't know, what suits our children may not be suitable for your children. After all, "absolute correctness" is unrealistic in education, because life itself is a constantly calibrated road, and every child is a little bodhisattva who helps his parents grow up.