? But in fact, we find that few people can do this. Why?
? There is a principle in communication: when two people talk, the first speaker will start thinking about what I want to say five seconds before the conversation; After starting a conversation, another person will start thinking about what the other person will say next in 5 seconds. In other words, after 5 seconds, the listener has been thinking about what he wants to say, and most of the other party's words are unclear. And a person who is good at communication just extends this 5 seconds to 30 seconds. It can be seen that it is not easy to listen carefully, and the people who can do it are not ordinary.
? First of all, we have a basic understanding of the listening process. Listening can generally be divided into three steps: deep breathing, asking questions and repeating.
? Someone must ask, how can the first step of listening be to take a deep breath? In fact, the purpose of deep breathing is to ensure that the listener can stabilize his emotions and concentrate on what the other person is saying. Doing so can calm our hearts and focus on current facts rather than emotions. Especially when you don't like what the other person says, this kind of deep breathing will play a very good role in calming your mood. There is a saying in Mencius' Zhang sentence that "the way to learn is to seek peace of mind", which means that learning has no great truth, that is, to get back the lost heart. Only by sinking down can we see the world clearly and listen to the inner voices of others effectively. Take a deep breath before listening, clear away selfish thoughts, let go of prejudice, and leave only a calm heart to prepare for the next listening.
Is listening just a gesture to the end? Of course not. When listening, ask some questions in time, and the other party will be willing to communicate more. Asking questions not only proves that you are listening, but also conveys respect and trust for the speaker. Being good at asking questions in listening will make the other person feel respected and win trust more easily. This is the most important foundation of communication, which can be achieved by listening. Graceful posture is not the most important thing, what matters is real-time feedback.
I don't know if you have this experience. Sometimes when someone talks to you, they only see his mouth moving, but they don't know what he is saying. This situation is called absence, which means that you are distracted and your attention is not in the current conversation. If someone asks you what he just said, and you can't answer it, the situation will become even more embarrassing, which is a very rude performance in social interaction.
Polite response in communication is not enough. Asking questions in time is the correct way to respond, which can give invisible encouragement to the speaker and promote the conversation to continue. There are two kinds of questions, one is closed and the other is open.
(1) shutdown problem
? Closed questions refer to those questions that can only be answered with specific answers such as "yes" or "no". This kind of question gives no room for the other party to consider, and only answers "yes" or "no", resulting in a psychological hypnosis method, and the "7 is the transaction method" in marketing is a typical representative. Although this practice violates social ethics, the truth it contains is intriguing.
(2) Open question
? Contrary to closed questions, open questions refer to questions that cannot be easily answered with other simple words and numbers such as "yes" or "no". Open-ended questions require the other party to further describe the relevant things and turn their attention to a more specific aspect of the described things. There is no standard answer to open-ended questions. Open-ended questions that start with "How …" are easier to get valuable information than questions that start with "Why …".
? In conversation, open-ended questions are very important and will make the speaker's thinking more active. A closed question is like a bright little red dot, with high brightness, but it can only illuminate one point; Open-ended questions are like a lamp. As soon as they are opened, the whole room will be lit up. A good listener must be good at asking all kinds of open questions. For example, if a person likes to eat, there must be complicated psychological factors behind it. A good listener can ask everything in his stomach by setting some questions.
For example, Mr. Bai is good at analyzing and judging an event rationally and drawing a conclusion. His speeches and commentary programs were wonderful and won many audiences, but the effect of his talk show was not very good. I remember once Mr. Bai interviewed officers and soldiers fighting floods. Originally, he asked the officers and men to talk more, but the situation at the scene was like this. Mr. Bai said: "There may be several reasons for this earthquake. Everyone has performed very well in this disaster relief ... What do you think? " He finished what he could say and asked the other party, "What do you think?" The other person's answer is "yes", and there are not many words in the whole process. Teacher Cui Yongyuan is an interview type, so his strength lies in the talk show, and he is good at tapping the emotions of the guests. He often only needs to say a word first, and he can make the other person come out a lot. At that time, there was a very popular program called "Sister Guo Help". Guo Jie's language ability is limited, and talking to other programs is always deleted. Then in the program hosted by Teacher Cui, Sister Guo said many questions raised by Teacher Cui Yongyuan. Cui kept laughing when she heard the teacher say something. The bigger teacher Cui's laughter is, the happier Sister Guo is. Finally, Sister Guo became more and more fluent and said many unprepared topics. After the program was broadcast, the response was very enthusiastic.
Therefore, good listening can convey respect and trust, and make the other person talk endlessly.
Have you ever encountered such a situation in your life? Obviously, you heard clearly. When both of you agreed, it was found that both of you didn't understand at the critical moment, which led to the smooth progress of things in the end. This is the third link where there is something wrong with listening. We need a process of confirming listening results, which is called retelling. Why do you have to repeat it?
In communication, we often encounter a problem-communication funnel: what you think is 100%, but when you express it in front of everyone, you have missed 20% and only 80% is left. After 80% of these things are accepted by listeners, only 60% are left because of the relationship between cultural level and knowledge background. In fact, only about 40% are really digested and understood by the audience. When the other party does according to 40% of the specific actions, it becomes 20%.
For example, two people agree to meet at the company gate the next morning 10. As a result, one arrived at 10 and the other arrived at 10:30. The reason is that two people have different understandings of the appointed time the day before. One person thinks the appointed time is 10, and the other thinks it is 10:30. Therefore, in order to avoid this situation, it is necessary to carry out a confirmation link of information, called retelling. In the above case, after one person finished speaking, another person immediately repeated "Be there or be there at the gate of 10 company tomorrow morning", which is exactly the same as the first person's words, so as to confirm whether the information is correct in time and avoid the previous inconsistency.
The range of listening, including what was said and what was not said. In the unspoken part, body movements are a very important part. A good listener is not only listening to the language, but also observing the behavior. The importance of interpreting body movements has even surpassed the language itself to some extent.
An American study shows that in daily communication, only 7% of information is conveyed through language, and 93% is conveyed through other information such as tone and expression. Therefore, listening to dialogue should not only pay attention to language, but also pay attention to other non-verbal information, especially body movements. This helps communicators to fully understand each other's ideas. For example, when two people talk, one of them suddenly leans back, which means that he disagrees with your point of view, and you will find that his answer is perfunctory. Physical distance represents psychological distance. The farther away the body is, the farther the psychological distance between two people is.
Body movements are so important that many experts who can interpret body movements, such as many FBI employees, will become business consultants of well-known enterprises after retirement. If the company negotiates with other organizations, they will sit in the meeting room without talking, just stare at each other, observe each other's body movements, and interpret them to help the company make decisions. Usually, these FBI body movement experts only need to participate in one day of negotiations, and they can roughly judge which terms the other party may accept, which terms they will not accept, and what is the bottom line of the other party. ...
Why is it more reliable to observe body movements? To answer this question, we need to review the history of interpersonal communication. The known ways of information exchange can be divided into oral language, written language and body movements. Communication with body movements is the earliest communication method used by our primitive ancestors, followed by expressing specific meanings in oral language, and finally recording in written language. The three appear at different times and have different characteristics.
Judging from the characteristics of these three languages, written language appeared at the latest. Its expression is calm and objective, and its content has been repeatedly verified and confirmed by people, which is the easiest to cover up people's true feelings.
Oral expression is more direct, subjective and immediate, without too much modification, and more credible than written language. But there are still some pragmatic factors, such as some pleasantries, which I clearly don't think so. For the sake of superficial harmony, there is an idiom called "shake your lips and drum your tongue", which means to incite and provoke intentionally with language. It can be seen that spoken language is inflammatory and purposeful.
Different from the above two, body movements are subconscious, and no one can control and modify their body language unless they are trained deliberately. So it is the most authentic of the three language types.
When talking, body language and oral language complement each other, and the communicator fully expresses his state and the reasons behind it. The stability of body language provides a new way for communication and enables communication to have a comprehensive and in-depth understanding. As the saying goes, "you can tell your heart by what you do." Through the interpretation of body movements, communicators will have a more accurate understanding of each other's real thoughts, which is more conducive to the listener's listening. The following are four kinds of body movements that listeners need to pay special attention to when speaking.
Eyes are the windows of the soul, and the ever-changing eyes reflect each other's complex psychological changes. Through eye contact with the communicator, the listener learns a lot of information that is not conveyed in the other person's oral language.
(1) If the other person is always focused on you during the conversation, it shows that he respects you very much and attaches great importance to what he is talking about.
(2) If the other person is used to not looking into your eyes when speaking, it means that he is not interested in the topic he is talking about now. If this happens, you need to improvise and lead the topic to the place where he is interested in order to find a more effective way of communication.
Gesture is an unconscious action in the other person's conversation, which may contain some important information. You can think about the reasons behind the gestures in the context at that time and understand each other's real thoughts.
A person who lies will touch his comfort zone. Women's self-comfort zone is the chest, and men's self-comfort zone is the back of the head. If the other person says, "A very important client came yesterday, and I worked late." At the same time, he put his hand behind his head, which shows that he is probably lying. In addition, shrugging, touching the nose, scratching and blinking are also very obvious signs of lying.
In conversation, leg movements are also an important sign of mental state. If the other person's legs relax during the conversation, it means that he is more relaxed at the moment; If he crosses his legs and crosses his chest at the same time, it means that he is angry or opposes your point of view; If he has been shaking his legs, it means that he is in a state of tension and anxiety ... these leg movements help us to master the time and way of communication. Once you find the other person uncomfortable, you need to end the conversation or adjust the tone and content of the conversation.
When communicating, different distances represent different relationships between the two sides. For example, intimate distance means that the distance between two people is less than 45 cm, which is generally the distance between relatives and lovers; If the distance between them is 46 cm to 120 cm, they are mostly acquaintances and friends; If it is in the range of 120 cm to 360 cm, it is a typical social distance, which is used in social occasions or workplaces. Space distance above 360 cm is generally used for public speaking.
If during the conversation, you find that the distance between the other person and you exceeds the distance at the beginning of the conversation, it means that he actually doesn't agree with your point of view and has gradually pulled away from each other, because physical distance is actually a reflection of psychological distance.
Through body movements, we can effectively judge the real psychology of the other party when speaking and give appropriate feedback. On the contrary, you need to learn to control your body language and avoid the following nine common mistakes in communication.
First, listlessness;
Second, exaggerated gestures or nods;
Third, talking is fiddling with watches or fiddling with hair;
Fourth, cross your arms or make a fist;
Fifth, language and facial expressions are inconsistent;
Sixth, avoid each other's eyes;
Seventh, eye contact is too strong;
Eighth, roll your eyes;
Ninth frown or other unhappy expressions.
The above body language can convey your concentration, and the other person can feel it immediately, and it is easy to shut you out.
When we are listening, we often encounter situations where the other person's emotions are out of control. When the other person is under too much pressure or the mood swings are too obvious, many people will suddenly lose control and shout. In the face of such emotional outbursts, the usual practice is to comfort him, but the results are always few. Verbal appeasement often backfires-the more you ask the other person not to cry, the more he will cry.
A more effective way to deal with it should be to "reflect emotions." Reflecting emotions refers to letting the other person realize his emotional state through a series of inquiries when the other person's emotions fluctuate.
Reflecting emotions is the most important basis for communicating with people. If we just say "calm down" and "be rational" repeatedly when the other person is out of control, and don't take care of the other person's emotions at all, then the other person's emotions will get worse and worse, and eventually things will be impossible to talk about, so the first thing to deal with is emotions, not the so-called "serious things" in your hand.
For example, you can ask your child, "Does this matter bother you?" "It makes you sad, doesn't it?" "It makes you sad, doesn't it?" Questions like this are actually the closed questions we mentioned earlier. You just need to let the other person answer "yes" or "no".
The other party says "no", which means that his mood is not what we described, and he needs to change his direction and continue to adjust; When the other person says "yes", her mood will be better. We have experienced many such things and used this method many times, and found that it works every time. That is, as long as you can find a way to get the other person to say "yes", your mood will be relieved. Here we can refer to a list of feelings that reflect emotions in nonviolent communication to help everyone learn how to express their feelings.
Now every family's children are the apple of their eye and angels, but when children cry, they have a headache. Faced with these "unreasonable" little guys, parents are often at a loss. In fact, it can guide the troubled child to admit his emotions and let him know his current state. As long as parents do this, most children will stop playing at once.
Once, a friend's child came to my house to play, and my child got along well with her. At 9: 30 in the evening, a friend wanted to take the child home. The child suddenly began to cry and make a scene, saying that he had not played enough and would not go home with his mother anyway.
Coaxed a friend for a while to see it was useless, then he got angry and said, "I won't give you face today!" " "Go, then roll up your sleeves and prepare to hit the child. But the child is still stubborn.
The smell of gunpowder in the air is getting stronger and stronger. I quickly advised my friend, then pulled the child aside and asked him, "Do you think you haven't had enough fun today?"
The child replied, "Yes, we haven't played games just now!" " "
? So I asked again, "Do you feel particularly uncomfortable because your mother is in a hurry to let you go now?" You are reluctant to leave this place. "
The child told the story: "Yes, because I seldom have such a happy time at home." Then he told me a lot about his daily life.
After listening to the child, I then asked, "Did your mother's tone of voice just make you feel disrespected?"
The child nodded and said, "Yes, you don't know what he did to me at home. She's amazing! " "Under my guidance, the child began to tell me how his friends at home treated him, and his mood gradually stabilized during the speech.
After controlling the child's emotions, I said to him, "You had a good time today. You must want a happy ending, right?" We agreed that I would let you play together next time. However, you played all day today, and everyone was very tired. Let's play 10 minutes, and then you can go home with your mother, ok?
The child said, "Good."
Parent-child relationship is a very important relationship in family. Parents love their children, give meticulous care in life, and put a lot of effort into their children's growth. Children are smart and sensible. Once they cry, their parents will be mad and miserable. When a child cries in family life, we might as well adopt the method of reflecting emotions: when the child is emotional, guess his emotions according to his meaning. The more accurate the parents say, the faster the child will calm down. It is not until the child says "yes" that we can communicate with the child calmly and healthily, so as not to let the whole family fall into the whirlpool of emotional storm because the child's emotions affect our emotions.
In parent-child relationship, if parents feel very painful, it must be a communication problem. The process of educating children through correct communication will be very happy and fulfilling.