When I first met Xiao Di (a pseudonym), my eyes lit up: she was a tall and beautiful woman.
What Xiao Di wants to solve is the marriage problem:
Her husband's verbal violence against him made her feel that life was like a cup of bitter water that could never be drunk, and she felt that she could not persist any longer. ...
What kind of man would that be, so "disdainful", married her, but tortured her with verbal violence?
After understanding, people are dumbfounded:
On the family background, the two are equal, and the Xiao Di family is slightly better;
In terms of work, Xiao Di is still relatively good, with a slightly higher salary than her husband;
In terms of appearance, the difference is a bit big. Xiao Di is 1.68 meters tall, while her husband is only 1.65 meters tall. And it belongs to the type with small skeleton.
They fell in love in college. At that time, their classmates and roommates all said it was inappropriate, and their figures and looks were not harmonious. Even a good classmate made up a jingle:
He is not as tall as her,
He is not as fat as her (note: Xiao Di is not fat, mainly relative to her "little" husband)
Is to become a girl,
He is not as beautiful as her.
Although there is a taste of ridicule in the words, it is also true.
Xiao Di is obviously "married". Why did her husband not cherish her for many years and hurt her with words?
Of course, her husband may also have some problems.
But there is a principle in psychological counseling: whoever asks for help is the center. The wife thinks there is something wrong with her husband, but it is the wife who comes for help, and the psychological counselor will start consulting with her as the center.
Therefore, it mainly analyzes the reasons of Xiao Di himself.
Dreams are like people. Especially those scenes that have been dreamt many times, have more analytical significance and value. We will borrow several scenes from Xiao Di's dream to explore Xiao Di's inner world.
The first scene in the dream:
There is a "project" at home, and friends and relatives are invited to help. Xiao Di's mother bought a car full of Chinese cabbage, and Xiao Di bought a big basket of Chinese cabbage herself. But the guests don't really like Chinese cabbage, so none of them are useful. ...
Analysis:
Combine Xiao Di's description of her mother with the details of her life, and combine this dream. It is speculated that Xiao Di's mother is a person who doesn't spend money on "cutting edge" and has poor housekeeping ability. In terms of cost, there will be some unnecessary waste.
Xiao Di himself, although "a basket of cabbages" and "a cart of cabbages" are different in scale, they are essentially the same. She uses money in a similar way to her mother.
Xiao Di didn't realize this problem in her life. Even in reality, she doesn't recognize many of her mother's practices and always reminds herself to be a different person from her mother.
But in fact, in the use of money, she is indeed repeating the same pattern as her mother, "money is not spent less, things are not done well", which has become an aspect that her husband often satirizes her in language.
The second scene in the dream:
Continue the scene of the first scene. In the evening, the guests will stay at home, too. There were not enough beds, but my mother arranged to sleep like this: her bed was next to the bed of another relative of the opposite sex, my father was not next to my mother, and my father made a floor on the ground. ...
Analysis:
Deep down, Xiao Di knew that there was a distance between his father and mother, both physically and psychologically.
In real life, no matter how much she doesn't approve of her mother's practice, she virtually recognizes and imitates the way her mother treats her father:
She and her husband slept in separate rooms for more than half a year, and she and her husband haven't exchanged ideas for a long time.
Scene 3 in the dream:
On a warm spring day, two groups of children are playing in her house.
A group of children said it was hot and turned on the air conditioner in refrigeration mode in a room;
A group of children said it was cold and turned the air conditioner in another room to heating mode.
Although Xiao Di didn't think it was necessary to turn on the air conditioner at that time, she didn't say anything and let them turn it on.
There is also a room with air conditioning and doors and windows open. Xiao Di closed the door, a child opened the door, Xiao Di said nothing, and then closed the door … ..
Analysis:
For other people's unreasonable behavior, Xiao Di didn't say anything even if he didn't recognize it in his heart. She would rather do more by herself than resist others' more unreasonable practices. She likes making peace.
Just like her in life. She also gave in to her husband's unreasonable demands, retreated again and again, and rarely made rational "reasoning" with her husband.
Her concession made her husband more unscrupulous, so her position in the family became lower and lower and she retreated to the corner. ...
Scene 4 in the dream:
A relative of her age, who didn't particularly like it, came to her house. She gave her favorite snacks to her relatives, even ate them and gave them away. Although she liked them, she almost gave them to that relative. ...
Analysis:
Even if you don't particularly like people, you try your best to satisfy each other at the expense of your own "interests." Pleasing others has become her habitual behavior and a part of her life.
Xiao Di in marriage, her behavior, also unconsciously "please" her husband. Long-term "please" in exchange for her husband's contempt and disrespect.
Scene 5 in the dream:
Xiao Di's residence is an empty room with messy rooms and messy beds. ...
Analysis:
Xiao Di's heart is chaotic and self-abased.
Her heart is like that messy room, which lacks organization and needs sorting out.
Deep down in her heart, she feels that she "only deserves" to live in such an environment, which shows that there is actually a "poor" heart under her glamorous appearance, which also reflects her inner inferiority and low sense of value.
Therefore, although she has good external conditions, she is entangled in inferiority. In the face of a good man, her inferiority makes her have a subtle "unworthiness" mentality, which is manifested externally, and she will find out all kinds of reasons for not loving or liking.
Once there was an excellent boy studying medicine who pursued her, but she directly excluded him from her choice on the grounds that she was three years older than him.
Once a tall and handsome boy chased her for three years, and she turned him away because such a man was not suitable for life.
Once, a sunny boy asked her out many times. She felt that the boy's family was too good, too far away from his own growth environment, and he didn't give the other party a chance to get close to himself. ...
When an inconspicuous or even poor husband pursues her, she feels practical and comfortable. ...
Although we don't want to admit it, we think that our choices are from the heart, but they are restricted by various "knots" in our hearts;
The way others treat us is partly taught by ourselves unconsciously. ...
It's hard to accept, but it's true.
But what can be expected is that through the opening of "heart knot" and the disintegration of "restrictive" beliefs, we will become better ourselves and others will change the way they treat us.
End.
I am Man Xian, a psychological counselor who focuses on marriage counseling and personal growth.
I hope my words can give you some inspiration, so that you can live a better life and become a better self.