What is a healthy psychology? It is to be able to adapt to the present and developing society, not only to let children do their immediate things well, but also to adapt to the developing and changing society. Children go to kindergarten when they are young, go to school when they are older, and then enter social work, fall in love, get married and have children. This kind of life is developing and changing, depending on whether the children we cultivate have the ability to adapt to the present environment and development and adapt to the future.
What I just said about a 35-year-old child is far-fetched. He is an adult, but his physical age is 35 and his mental age is only preschool children. Children who go to school can do their own homework. This young man surf the Internet, play mahjong and soak in tea houses every day. Is this an adult behavior? How did he become a husband and father? This person, trained by his parents, can only adapt to the living environment of preschool children, but can't adapt to the real living environment. His mind has always been in a child state. We can say for sure that a 35-year-old person who can't bear the responsibilities of family and society must be mentally unhealthy.
We divide the development of children and adolescents into five stages: 1, infancy; 2. Early childhood; 3. Pre-school; 4. Adolescence; Teenagers can already take on a lot of responsibilities. When my sister was in the first grade of primary school at the age of seven, I was four years old and my brother was over one year old. At that time, my sister had cooked for my brother and me. How many children aged seventeen or eighteen can cook at home now? There is a big problem in our education, especially family education, which puts children in a state of being unable to bear responsibility. We should consider how to educate and cultivate children of different ages, how to interact with them, how to communicate with them, and really implement our ideas on them, especially for their healthy growth.
On the issue of how to communicate, many parents say that I want to communicate with my children and don't pay much attention to whether the children want to communicate with their parents. The problem with many children is that their parents are particularly eager to educate them. They can't wait for their children to grow into talents one day. Their demands are too high and too hasty, and the methods they ask are too simple for children to accept. Many children who are tired of learning have a fierce confrontation with their parents in their teens, and parents bear the main responsibility.
At present, there are two misunderstandings in children's and adolescents' education that deserve attention. The first misunderstanding is that many parents pay special attention to their children's adolescence and neglect their preschool years. In fact, it is particularly important before school. The second misunderstanding, many parents think that being good to their children is to help them do things. My suggestion is that, first of all, we should pay special attention to the psychological and physical cultivation of children in pre-school period, and secondly, we should put the cultivation of children's IQ and EQ in the same important position. To make children love learning, we must first let them have a sense of responsibility and be able to bear the burden of life independently, so that children can study hard. Many parents often tell their children that "as long as you study hard and do nothing, your parents will give you whatever you want". Generally, such children have problems with their studies. If there is nothing wrong with their studies, then their mental health will have a big problem. Because a person can't just study hard and do nothing else, there is no stage in a person's life when he only does one thing well and does nothing else. Only in the case of short-term surprise, you can do one thing for a few days. In other cases, you can't do nothing for a long time. If a child only pays attention to study, does not do housework and does not consider his parents, he will not be able to communicate with others. A child who loves learning, is mentally healthy, studies like a serious matter, can do housework, and consciously has a calm way of communication. This kind of child really needs training.
initial stage
Pay attention to nonverbal communication in infancy. Babies can't talk, so we should pay attention to communication before language. If some gay children are less than one year old, we should pay attention to the three major trainings of senses, words and movements for infants at this time. Sensory is to give children hearing, sight and smell, so that children's sensory development is more comprehensive and coordinated. Training children to do various movements, many parents think that the more honest their children are, the more they will fall, but from the perspective of our psychological development, it is particularly beneficial for children under one year old to do physical movements. Speech training, some parents don't talk, don't understand their parents' words, don't talk, and ignore their children. Smart mothers often say to their children, "honey, are you hungry?" Are you thirsty? Do you miss your mother? " Some people think it is useless for a child to understand what his mother said. The reason why the child can't understand is that he has never heard a sound before his mother talks to him. Keep talking to him, and he will gradually know that this voice means this and that voice means that. When he learns to talk to his mother in this voice, what will her reaction be? If you can talk, talk to the children.
A nursing child can not only get nutrition from his mother's body, but also get a sense of security from maternal love. The breast-feeding child has just been born from the mother's body, and there is great tension and anxiety in her heart. He felt great discomfort when he left his mother in such a warm environment. He regained his sense of security through breastfeeding. Therefore, it is now advocated to let children eat their mothers' milk as much as possible, which is not only nutritious, but also because mothers have close contact with their children during breastfeeding. There are many problems. For example, distrust of people may come from strong feelings inside. Some people fall in love with others and suddenly break up. The other party asked him why. He said that he felt that the other party didn't agree, so he broke up first to avoid feeling abandoned. The information that the other party disagrees with is his own feeling, and he only proposes to break up for verification. Mother feeding can remove the inner insecurity of children, and artificial feeding can easily cause children's sensitivity and anxiety. In particular, some people put bottles into children's mouths during artificial feeding, which is not good for children's mental health. Children don't feel intimate relationship with nurses. Even if he feeds with a bottle, hold him and let him get as close to breastfeeding as possible. Whoever suckles has emotional input, input. Breastfeeding is exquisite, and when to breastfeed is also exquisite. The child is lying there, picking it up and feeding it. Is this right? There is a school of self-denying psychologists who pay attention to the process of breastfeeding and trace the growth of children. Children who breast-feed before they feel hungry and children who cry after they are hungry but can't get milk will always form different psychological qualities when they grow up. Children who nurse when they are not hungry are easy to trust others when they grow up. Children who are extremely hungry and crying and have no one around to nurse them are not easy to trust others when they grow up. Is there anyone among your colleagues, acquaintances and friends who is particularly vigilant, cautious in everything and particularly afraid of being taken in by others? If they do business, they are often too cautious to cooperate with others. For example, I sell mobile phones, and I can only send them out if the other party makes a payment. Some people are not so vigilant, just send their mobile phones first and pay on delivery. A person who is particularly cautious in doing business may lose most of his business. If you persuade him to let him pay first and then collect money, he always feels unsafe. If you say that an honest and trustworthy person should deliver the goods first, he will answer you: Although there are many good people, what if they are bad people? He has always had this mentality, and he has an unshakable belief. Many people have unshakable beliefs, which are related to their subconscious mind. What does the subconscious mean? We often feel that we are ambivalent. We have a clear idea of what to do, but we won't get out of control, or we don't think we should. It seems that there are two ideas in your spiritual world. Which is better? Or do you feel that your inner uncontrollable power is strong? That kind of power is the power of the subconscious, which rises to realize the unclear and easily perceived problems in the clear mind. If you believe in the subconscious, then the subconscious comes from what was injected into our minds in the years before we were awake. Breastfeeding is basically not feeding when the child doesn't cry and doesn't want to eat milk. If the child is crying and has no urine, it may be hungry, and then breast-feed. At this time, breastfeeding is beneficial to the cultivation of children's mental health. As for weaning, some parents are reluctant to breast-feed, for fear of damaging their body shape and the trouble of feeding and weaning. Some parents can't continue breastfeeding and can't go to work to wean their children, so they take an outspoken approach. Some mothers put red syrup, purple syrup or Chili noodles on their nipples so that children will not breastfeed when they feel something is wrong, but everyone should pay attention to the psychological damage caused by poor weaning. The child's initial separation anxiety and sense of security come from the mother's breastfeeding process. Generally, children should be weaned within one year old, and if they are still breastfeeding over one year old, they will form a dependent personality. Weaning should not be earlier than ten months. Some people have maternity leave for half a year or three months, so they should wean gradually, gradually reduce the feeding times and increase the number of complementary foods until they are completely weaned. On the first day of love, adults hug and kiss, and the next day, breaking up hard is like weaning Chili noodles. There is a fierce reaction to sudden emotional breakdown, not to mention a one-year-old child, so be more careful when weaning to avoid harm to the child.
When children are over one year old, they will ask their parents to say something and do something simple. Parents should pay special attention to controlling their children's urine and urine, and train their children to control their urine and urine. And psychological pressure. Children can't be forced to control their defecation quickly, and defecation is better, especially when it is difficult to control. Why do babies change diapers? Because babies can't control their urine and feces. Later, defecation can be controlled, but urination control is difficult and the degree of control is gradually improved. Some parents take a very severe scolding or even beating attitude towards their children's bed wetting, which makes their children frustrated in controlling urination and defecation. Sometimes it is problematic to tease children. Sometimes children don't like to sleep at night, and adults scare them, which is easy to cause children to be timid and afraid.
initial stage
Mental health in early childhood. The strongest desire of children in early childhood is to play more games. Children in this period just like to play and are not interested in letting him eat, drink and sleep. Children learn through games. At this stage, we should pay attention to several problems, so that children can put themselves in the right position in the family. When we were young, we didn't have this problem in infancy. If we want to be the center of the family, we want to be a little emperor, and we have brothers, sisters and younger brothers, we will naturally put ourselves in the right position. You are the child of this family, you are not the only child. Today's children find that the adults in the family are all around him, and unconsciously feel that they are the top leaders in the family. Once a child who went to a psychological interview was very naughty. The host asked him who was the best in his family. He said he was the best, his mother was the second child and his father was the third. There is a child who is seventeen or eighteen years old and more than one meter eight, sharing a bed with his mother. His family prepared a small bed for his father to sleep in, and he and his mother slept in a big bed. What is the child's position? I said he slept in his father's place, and he said, "What is he?" He put his father in the child's position, so the child's psychology is extreme. He feels that he is the center of his family, and his interests and wishes are above everything else. That's what happens at home. If he really wants to go to school or work, he will think so. Some young comrades will change jobs or even resign if they work short hours. Children nowadays can't stand criticism. Obviously, what these children say at home is the highest order. If you want your child to be in the right position, you should tell your child that there are parents at home. Parents are very important. He can't live without his parents. It is unreasonable to live a real life.
Correctly deal with children's stuttering and enuresis. About three years old, children have a stage that stuttering is particularly fun. When I was in primary school, a classmate in our class stuttered, and the children especially wanted everyone to pay attention to themselves. The whole class looked at the classmate when he spoke. Later, the whole class imitated the little boy, and all the boys in the class stuttered. But most people don't stutter when they grow up, only two students stutter. They stuttered and their parents were particularly nervous. When two students want to talk, the parents will control and say, "Don't say it yet, think about it." He will think that I must not stutter, and I will stutter even more when I am distracted. There is something wrong with the child's expression. He is learning experimental language. 200 1 there is an episode of "psychological time" called "unspeakable", which means that the director has tried his best to design how to express stuttering. He should film some stutterers, find some fluent speakers and tell people not to stutter. However, people who stutter when they go out to film can't be found. Many people who stutter claim to stutter, but when they go to film, these people stop stuttering. The director told me that they can't film people who stutter. I said these people eat because of psychological factors. If you photograph stuttering with a camera, they will relax and feel that they have nothing to do. The director invited Liu Quan and two eloquent people as guests. I am an expert. The host looked at the topic and said, "Go out, go out, talk in chapters …" The more he relaxed, the more he stuttered. I made a suggestion and said let's get started. The director asked me to speak. As a result, I stammered, and Liu Quan and I couldn't speak. Do you know that anyone can be a stutterer? Which of us has a bad tongue? But when the director said relax, we all stuttered. This is the development trend of stuttering. Parents have to ask him to speak clearly and not allow him to stutter. The child is bound to stutter. Once, a graduate student knocked on my door for advice. I said "come in", but he still knocked at the door. I opened the door and said "Come in". His face turned red and he called more than twenty "Yang" before he was called "Professor". I said "it's a nice day" and he said "it's nice". I didn't stutter, but chatted with him about international and domestic news. Later, I asked him what he was doing here. His father is an announcer. He was asked to pronounce clearly and clearly from an early age. When a pronunciation is wrong, he will be severely criticized. He would say, "think about it next time." He has to think for a long time every time he speaks, so he thinks about what to say when he enters the door. The more he thinks about it, the more nervous he becomes. Many stutterers ignore a feature that they are so nervous that they forget to breathe. Friends at the scene can look at their watches, and they can't stand not breathing for a minute or two. I don't breathe to talk to everyone, my breathing is not smooth, and my speech is bound to stutter. When I came yesterday, a parent asked me how to deal with the problem of children stuttering. I asked her how old she was and she said she was three. I played dumb and ignored her. She said she would stutter when she grew up. If I say she ignores him, she will stutter. Just tell the children that everyone stutters a little and talks too much. What's the difference between stutterers and non-stutterers? People who don't stutter especially don't care if they stutter. Mental health in early childhood means playing more games. People who stutter begin to be scolded by their parents, always thinking that the next sentence will not stutter. The nervousness of early stuttering is caused by parents' scolding, and the nervousness of late stuttering is caused by oneself.
How to solve the problem of children wetting the bed? It is not a problem for children to wet the bed at the age of three, but it is a big problem at the age of thirty. When I went to work in the countryside, a classmate in our class wet the bed. It was supposed to be wet in bask in the quilt, but he was embarrassed when facing the sun. Every day when he is in bask in the quilt, he washes the wet places, only after dark. Marriage will bring problems in the future. Parents are particularly demanding of their young children. When they see two or three-year-old children being slapped for wetting the bed, there is nothing they can do. How to train children to control defecation? Many parents are particularly angry when they see this situation. When they want to eat, their children bring the bedpan to the table or pee or pull. The greatest happiness of two or three-year-old children comes from defecation. When my child came back from kindergarten, he was very happy to tell his mother who peed his pants in the class. When there are guests at home, children often take a urinal, either urine or feces. My child, too, needs to go to the bathroom and take it to the table. This is a happy feeling for children. Parents are particularly anxious and impatient when they see their children wetting the bed. The child took the bedpan to the table and didn't care about him. After the age of three, he will naturally know to go to the toilet. Many people wet their beds when they are young. Some parents have an illusion that other people's children are not born to wet the bed. I think that children's bed wetting is basically the failure of parents, not the failure of children. Everyone here, who said I could pee while lying down? We can't lie down and pee. People can only pick up the bedpan with traction after fracture, but we can't pee, and we can't pee when we lie down in the early stage of fracture paralysis. When we were very young, parents had to train their children to lie down and not pee. Children who are still wetting the bed at the age of two or three, you should observe the time when they pee and do your parents' duty. You stay up all night staring at the children and gain some experience in advance. For example, if a child urinates at eleven o'clock in the evening, at two o'clock in the evening, at four o'clock in the evening and before dawn, then you should take him to urinate at 10: 55, 1 0: 55 and 3: 55. Every time, you will take him out before he wants to pee, so that he can't pee with his back against the bed. Some parents sleep soundly, and no one cares when their children have to pee at eleven o'clock. When they fidget for a long time, they wet the bed. I asked some enuresis patients if they had dreams of finding a toilet before wetting the bed. They did as they said, dreamed that they wanted to go to the toilet, then looked for the toilet, then found it, went in to pee, and then woke up. Sometimes when you drink too much beer and water, you dream of looking for a toilet after sleeping for a while, but it is difficult to find a toilet. Once I dreamed that I finally found the toilet. Just when I was about to go to the toilet, the light came on and the music was playing. Looking back, I was standing on the stage because I couldn't pee on the bed board. It is easy to control children not to wet the bed. Parents can work hard for two or three days to get the urine out in advance according to the law of children wetting the bed.
Let children play more games and play more games with children of the same age, which is very beneficial for children to learn and communicate with others. It is not appropriate for children to study too early now. It is scientific to let children go to primary school at the age of six. Try not to let children learn before the age of six, but mainly through games before the age of six.
Attach importance to children's independent ability. Let the child do his own thing, help him dress when he can't, help him when he can't wear shoes or tie his shoelaces, and let his mother do it when he can. Mother must stand firm and not help him, let him do his own thing. Children who cultivate independent personality and are responsible for their own affairs are mentally healthy children. Children can't be responsible for themselves. We should reflect on how parents treat their children.
Treat children's mistakes and mistakes correctly. Don't be afraid of children making mistakes, and don't just give severe criticism when children make mistakes.
Children at the initial stage of learning
Children are going to school, parents should relax emotionally, ask children to leave their parents, keep their distance but keep emotional intimacy, how to open psychological distance and how to close the distance emotionally? Care in life should be reduced, and children should communicate effectively and often. Many parents say that there is no way to communicate with their children. An important factor that destroys the relationship between parents and children is that parents cook a lot for their children. These are things that children can do. In the process of doing it, cultivate children's ability to solve life difficulties independently and cultivate children's willpower to overcome difficulties. Nowadays, many parents have low requirements for their children's life, but they have particularly high requirements for their children's studies. Finish homework on time and get good grades. Children feel that their parents are contradictory, unfamiliar, hurt and alienated. I did such a case in a psychological interview. A middle school girl is particularly antagonistic to her mother. Once in primary school, her mother asked for more than 90% of the exam, but she got 80%. Her mother made her kneel in the street, and the relationship between the child and her mother was destroyed.
Communicate with parents of the opposite sex and learn how to grow up with the opposite sex. Nowadays, some children are very close to one of their parents and very distant from the other. As I said just now, children over one meter eight share a bed with their mothers. This son is too close to his mother and too far from his father. If he is too close to his mother, he will learn from her and easily fall into some psychological misunderstandings. When a man grows up, he will find someone like his mother, so his feelings are misplaced and his marriage is unfortunate. Such a child wants to find a mother in the spiritual world. After marriage, he will ask this woman to take care of herself like a mother and do nothing. In the psychological interview, a couple always quarreled. Lesbians say that marrying this man is too wronged, too tired and too hard. He doesn't feel distressed or understand. The man doesn't do any housework, and the woman takes care of him in all directions. The man is still dissatisfied. The host asked the man what he was dissatisfied with his wife. He said that his wife earned less money. The host asked him what kind of wife he wanted to find. He said he wanted to find a woman who would do housework at home and take good care of her, especially when she was outside. The host asked him what he did, and he said he didn't do anything. The man who depends on his mother is the most terrible. If you don't care about anything, he thinks you are not a good wife. He wants you to take care of him like a son. To say that you are not a good wife actually means that you are not a good mother. After you became a mother as he said, men were confused again. He found that he had no wife. That's what his mother did when he was unmarried. He had no wife at that time. When all his wives are like his mother, he will feel that he has no wife and start looking out. You need to wait on him like a mother at home and find a lover outside. A boy 1.8 meters high sleeps in the same bed with his mother. If you have such a situation, please leave the bed quickly after listening to the lecture. Otherwise, you will not only destroy yourself but also your children, and your mind will be distorted. It is necessary to train children to be close to same-sex parents and opposite-sex parents, not too close to one side or too far from the other.
Encourage children to accumulate social experience, encourage children to associate with children who are not at home, encourage children to put themselves in their own shoes, repeatedly remind children that Xiaohong is not good, Xiaohong is not good, and ask children, "Who do you think is good and who is bad?" What if you are Xiaohong or Xiaoli? " Empathy can make people have a rational understanding and accumulate experience in interpersonal communication.
Cultivate children's interest in learning. I give lectures on parent-child relationship in many places, and many people ask me what to do if my children don't like learning, and what methods can make them love learning. Many parents think that their children are special, and others' children are naturally fond of learning. Their children don't like learning by nature. Parents say that children don't like learning since childhood. I think this statement is wrong. Children like playing games. It doesn't matter whether they like playing games or not. Can he play games when he was born? He never plays games, but studies through study. Many parents say it would be nice if their children focused on their studies. So, why are they so enthusiastic about games? Children have fun while playing games. If they get 1000, they will say "fine"; if they get 10000, they will say "fine"; if they get 20000, they will say "fine"; if they get 50000, a girl will say "I" with a bunch of flowers. While the children were doing their homework, their parents went to have a look. What did they say after reading it? "Look at you, how do you twist your body when you do your homework?" "You see your handwriting is like an earthworm. Can you write straight? " This affects children's interest in learning. My son wrote, and I said, "Who did you learn from? How can you write so beautifully? " Children will write more and more beautifully, and later they will walk over to see their children write more neatly. Let children feel that they can do things well and keep their interest in learning. What should you do when your child has homework problems that he can't do? How do you react when children tell you that their grades are not satisfactory? If your child asks you homework questions, the general guiding principle is not to say, never say "you can't do this", which will affect your child's enthusiasm. My son asked me questions in elementary school, and I said no. I have something for him to think about first. I told him I'd consider it, too. He thought for a long time without thinking. I said I couldn't forget it, so I had to finish it. The teacher taught you that this is not your problem. He said he couldn't ask a few classmates. I said he didn't know what a teacher was. Can children say that they can't finish eating? I said I couldn't finish it, but I couldn't. He said he should stop thinking about it. After a while, he said, "I'm really great." I ran over and asked him how great he was. He said it looked difficult, but it was not difficult to do. He finally figured it out. In fact, what he did was wrong. I enlightened him again, and he finally found out that his writing was wrong. We should support the child's self-exploration process, give him praise and encouragement in the process of self-exploration, and make him feel that I can do this well, and he will be interested. A child said, "I didn't do well in the exam, but I got 95 points." His parents told him that he would make progress if he worked harder than 95 points next time, but he would not make progress if he got 100 points. Many parents don't say that. Many parents know that their children scored 99 points and said, "1 point, how did you lose?" . Parents often say that launching a rocket will be a problem without a decimal point. So when the rocket was launched, it was launched without a decimal point? The parents' meeting said that not many people need to check. Don't give children too perfect thinking, so that children are discouraged from learning.
Puberty problem
From the age of eleven or twelve to seventeen, children are getting closer and closer to maturity physically, and their hearts are getting closer to adults, and more and more second characteristics appear. In a person's adolescence, it is easy to have various psychological problems. They want to be independent quickly and deal with all kinds of problems independently like adults, but on the other hand, they can't get rid of dependence and have no ability to survive independently in society, and they are in a state of contradiction and conflict. We should understand that the inner conflicts and contradictions of adolescent students are roughly as follows: independence and dependence, ideal and reality, conceit and inferiority, communication and isolation. Adolescent children pay attention to self-image, and many ideas are contradictory and contradictory.