Loneliness and pride
Part 1
"Maybe it's only a matter of time before you contact this circle. 」
I once joked that I was as conservative as a feudal remnant and had my first kiss at the age of 22. It is precisely because of this that I really entered this circle. Different from before, getting along during this time has made me think more about the relationship between this circle and that circle. It may also be because of my work that I can always keep rational vigilance and instinctive distrust of things around me.
As I said before, he is only six days older than me, which is not an obvious gap, so when the novelty faded, I instinctively wrapped myself up and began to hold back and seduce him.
When I began to socialize in the circle, I felt more and more that it was just a role-playing, and he and I were no exception, so preconceived ideas made me put myself in the position of a communicator again.
Do you feel anything? Yes, I play my role emotionally, that's all.
I used to think that I accidentally bumped into the circle, because I wanted to get back at love rat. Actually, I'm not. I am a person who is deeply lonely and anxious. This emotion will keep me exposed to this. Maybe it is inevitable to enter the circle, either pressure or loneliness.
the second part
"Borrow flowers to offer Buddha, with lingering fragrance in hand. All beings, but all beings. 」
I was at work when he had a nervous breakdown due to work.
The customer's information made me too late to read dozens of messages he sent. I just glanced at him and vaguely felt that he was exactly the same as me before.
Maybe working is a safe choice, but we all want to take a gamble. For us who are only 22 years old, the risk and pressure of starting a business are as heavy as a joke.
Tired? Tired, tired. Go on. Can you hold it? If you can't carry it, you must carry it.
When I was busy reading his message, I only caught one message from a long paragraph:
I am tired. I need you.
Actually, I don't have to worry about him. I haven't known him long. Secondly, I thought it was just a game. My role is quilt. In my script, there is no need to worry too much about him.
"I'll play with you."
"No, I'll just sleep."
"Do you want me to accompany you?"
"To be honest, I really want to."
"Then cut the crap and meet me at the station tomorrow."
In this way, I bought a ticket and went to see him again.
Just for him? No, I also want to find someone to accompany me. I have many friends around me, but my heart is still empty. One is to change my mood, and the other is to visit him by the way, which can not only promote the relationship, but also show my personal feelings.
Anyway, there is no shortage of money for travel and play. My original intention was just to give myself a reason to relax.
See, I am a hypocritical person. I won't do anything worthless, not for my job, my partner, my friends, including him, at first.
Therefore, I deserve to be lonely, I deserve to be chic, and I deserve to be empty inside. The price of having wealth is to have rational to disgusting thinking.
the third part
"If you like weirdos, I'm surprised. 」
His mental state is much better than I expected, and talking about the studio with me is not that confused. He said that while eating the breakfast he brought me, I said a few words about the questions I heard, and so on. Our conversation was all about work and industry prospects, more like partners.
I thought I was a boring person, and I didn't realize I was losing until I met him.
On his turf, I also took him to play. I can do anything except not knowing the way. Online celebrity tea shop and dessert shop, he doesn't even know, I have to admire, no matter you are a workaholic or more crazy.
He can remember a lot of what I said, and this kind of detail still makes me quite useful, because he didn't have to, but he did it, and it was also a performance beyond the scope of the script.
I don't want to prove that I am special, because it is easy to lose, and I don't want to lose, so I am embarrassed and proud.
Every time I meet him, it means that his economic crisis will be more serious, but he still tries his best to make me happy.
When he eats something I can't eat, when he is carrying heavy things, when he carefully peels shrimp for me, when he puts me in a shopping cart and pushes me around the supermarket, when he ties the balloon he bought to my wrist, when he takes pictures of me intentionally or unintentionally, when he says helplessly that cats eat more than you, when he feeds me washed fruit,
Facts prove that there is no need to prove.
"Actually, I read your article."
"ah"
"I didn't think you had anything special at first, but I thought you were a budding new girl. I remind you out of kindness. Later, I found out that you also know your position very well. You do better than me in many places, and I won't slack off when I get along with you, because you also attract me, otherwise I wouldn't do this to you, not just beating around the bush. I really want to cherish my relationship with you. "
Look, it's only six days away, and the thinking is very clever.
"In fact, I am quite strange."
"It doesn't matter, I am also quite strange."
All right, you win.
part four
"You are an adult, but you may be a child at any time. 」
What is the meaning of growing up? Is it maturity and wit, or chance and reality? Are you comfortable in all kinds of interpersonal relationships or adapt to social rules?
Maybe it is.
Maybe it is.
In front of people with a clear conscience, you can be a child at some point.
I was a child of others' family since I was a child, and I became an adult of others' family when I grew up. I have always been a benchmark, and my courses and behaviors have never been corrected. I am proud of being alone, so I have lived a miserable life again and again. When he frowned and asked questions, it was a very novel feeling for me.
There are boys out there who want to please me and give me a cigarette. At home, my parents think it's okay to smoke less when I'm stressed. They all have their own reasons, but in fact, I was stressed at first, and then I became a habit, maybe I was addicted.
Smoking won't bring me any happiness. At best, it's loneliness. Find yourself a sense of existence.
If he had entered the role because of this, I would have cooperated with him to finish the sermon, but he didn't. He followed this clue little by little from my behavior and let me release my emotions little by little. Finally, I burst into tears in his arms with a runny nose and tears. This is chaos that my family has never seen before.
Everyone thinks I am strong and an independent adult, but he knows how hard I work as an adult.
The fifth part
"I may not be, but I met you, I can be. 」
After coming out of his arms, the first thing to do is to wipe away tears. I don't want to let my emotions get out of control for too long, but he can always let me release my pent-up emotions inexplicably.
This is a very dangerous signal for me, because the natural expression of emotions will make me feel unsafe.
"You take a bath first, and then we'll talk."
Can I go straight to sleep?
When I came out, he was sitting by the bed, patting his leg, which was a more dangerous signal for me, because I really didn't get beaten.
I didn't mean to make him angry, but he was really angry and I began to want to escape, especially when he spoke louder and louder, and my heart began to accelerate.
"You lie down."
His tone was not excited, but it was calmer than when I was lying on his lap and preaching to him, which made me feel more stressed.
"Can I lie down later?"
He just said excited words, and the slap left by his pajamas still hurts a little. I really don't want to go back now.
"Still have to count?"
You don't need
He wasn't in a hurry, but I was embarrassed when I was lying down, and I was always nervous for fear that he would suddenly slap me in the face or something.
This is my real practice, whether it is discipline or exhortation, it is a serious process, and his serious attitude makes me not think this is a game.
But it hurts, it really hurts, he is very strong, really strong. He is uncompromising. It's no use coquetry. He's rock solid, asshole.
A slap on the meat hurts me, so does he. A slap on the meat on the inner thigh hurts me more than he does. I tried to roll off the pillow, but he held me down.
"I'm hurt."
"reach out again, even if it's 149, count it again."
This man is fierce, but I really didn't dare to reach back.
Stand up, he grabbed my waist and hugged me. I can't stand up, but I keep going. He held me down and slapped me in the face. I couldn't bear it, so I knelt down on the bed.
"Kneel straight if you want to."
I knelt straight on the bed, and he sat opposite me and told me a lot about his thoughts, feelings and attitudes.
Looking at his face and listening to his words, I suddenly have an impulse to follow him. He may not be good enough, but he is enough to make me want to pay attention.
I never kneel to anyone. I once thought kneeling was an insult. I hate that kind of cocky Lord who makes him kneel down to reflect, but he doesn't, from beginning to end.
I don't adapt to the tacit rules in the circle, but fortunately he can step on my needs without following the routine.
I don't care about my attributes in the circle. It doesn't matter whether I'm in charge or not. When I met you, my attributes gradually became clear, but I couldn't change people.
The sermon lasted for 20 minutes, and I knelt for 20 minutes, shaking all over. I really can't kneel, even on the soft bed.
"Get up, there are still 80 times, don't fight, you owe it."
"Didn't you say you were finished?"
"No matter how I played today, I only used a slap. You hurt me, too. I said I would finish it, but even if I slap it, I can't stand it. "
In that exercise, my ass hurt for two days and my knees were blue. He came to the conclusion that I really don't carry fists, and my skin is good.
Part VI
Not all fish live in the same sea, so let's stop being fish and go to the lake to be crabs. 」
I thought we would quarrel, but I didn't expect it to come so soon.
Plain dialect disagrees, plain preconceived, plain forgot to go to bed early.
I don't think I'm a layman, I'm just born as a human being, and I can't avoid vulgarity.
My first wayward, first quarrel, first cold war.
In fact, it was not the cold war, or the topic came to an abrupt end, and both of them tacitly stopped replying.
I'm not worried that we'll never contact again, I'm just caught up in my emotions.
Only children quarrel and get angry, and adults are angry with each other.
I didn't want to suffocate, so I sent him one message after another, three hours after my last speech.
He gave me a document directly, and then I was at a loss to explain it. I froze for a while, and then I smiled. He and I are only separated by six days. Similar experiences and ways of doing things made me understand his embarrassing subtext at once.
I don't care about you. I'm afraid of losing you. Need you.
"I am afraid that I just touched myself, so I have been afraid to write."
"Idiot, you can never touch yourself. They don't understand you, I understand. "
He wrote for three hours from beginning to end.
I understand his words, I understand his persistence, and I understand his emotions. All this happened naturally.
Unless I want to, I won't warm anyone, gentle and unfeeling, polite and malicious, smart and confused, but for you, I just want to admit and follow. The moon won't come to you, but I will.
If one day we separate, then I will also leave this circle. I can only accept your advice and tolerance. The high similarity between us gives us a high degree of understanding and tolerance, which is difficult to satisfy.
One last digression
"When I was a child for the first time, I had no experience. Is it appropriate for kindergarten to sleep at this time? 』
I'm not angry, you didn't lose me, I followed you, I just want to follow you.
Good night, my stupid brother.
K_R to deer
Can you hear the falling flowers?
I seldom write words to express my thoughts, because I think what people like me write is like antiques that have been dusty for a long time. Difficult to read, poorly written and full of "truth". I can only touch myself, but I can't touch anyone. Like a pool of stagnant water for thousands of years, it is the limit at first glance.
"We are two fish, kept in two fish tanks."
I'm sorry that my words hurt you. I'm not showing off your thoughts. It is what I said to you that makes you sad. I can't deny that I was wrong.
But I didn't regard you as the capital to show off from beginning to end. I mean, I met you in this circle. You are the best girl I have ever met in my life. I want others to know that people like me can meet girls who understand me and people as good as you. My monochromatic life can also be decorated with faint roses.
But my inappropriate language makes you think I'm showing off your mind. Maybe what I said, you'll think it's an excuse for rhetoric, but it's true.
We are two fish, in each other's fish tanks.
Before I met you, the people I met rarely attracted my attention, and at the same time, they didn't pay attention to me. You joke that you are conservative like a feudal remnant, then I am really a boring old man. My thoughts are not conservative, but my life is conservative and monotonous, like a long tone, without ups and downs.
You are my enviable existence, and at the same time, you are in a position that I can't reach. I am six days older than you, but from any point of view, I am the "young" one. In fact, I feel inferior to my present situation. I want to do what I want to do and pursue my dream.
But reality gave me a heavy blow, and I was caught off guard. I suddenly tore open the illusion of tenderness and exposed my ferocious minions. My past is not beautiful, although it is unsightly, but it is by no means acceptable to most people, so I won't go into details here so as not to affect readers' mood.
I almost couldn't get up, but finally I stumbled to my feet and walked on.
My past has influenced my present more or less. When I was still living below the subsistence level, relying on the living expenses at home and my own scattered income, you have achieved economic independence. When I was still worrying about my life, you already had your own house and car; When I was still living a "frugal" life; You can use a cup of milk tea to pay for my meal for a day.
But I know that you deserve your life, you have the capital to live a comfortable life, and you are qualified to stand on high and watch me struggle all the time.
I am a person who can carry everything by myself. In interpersonal communication, I seldom argue with excuses, because I feel that I am struggling unnecessarily, and excuses are used as excuses. I even cry when I quarrel. In this way, many people left me, but I was humble.
I will be an old man all my life. The high-speed rail is fast. I take the express train, take a taxi and wait for the bus. I choose to take a bottle of mineral water above 10 yuan with milk tea, a bottle of green tea from 3 yuan, and so on. Why, because it is cheap, cost-effective, cost-effective, old-fashioned, Buddhist, so I chose these.
But with you, I will choose the high-speed train, take a taxi and drink milk tea, not to pretend to be swollen and fat, but to feel that with me, you can't let yourself suffer with me, which is unfair to you.
You see, I am still so disappointing, so cowardly, writing here, tears still fall on the back of my typing hand.
No one really understands me, no one cares how tired I am. I just want to have a dreamless sleep, but they always say I think too much. Everyone tells me that I can do things one by one, but they don't know that when I haven't finished this thing, another thing will catch me off guard. Many people know my past and present situation, and they will admire my present state and say that I have a strong mentality. They all said they would accompany me and comfort me when I collapsed.
How I want to have a hug and say "rest" when I need it, no one; How I want to hold someone and cry, and cry out my grievances and pressures, no one; I can only close the door in the middle of the night, curl myself up, sob alone, and I am not qualified to burst into tears. I told myself that it doesn't matter, everyone is very tired. Just sleep, don't cry, and wake up tomorrow and let it go.
Yeah, alone, used to it.
Into the same fish tank, we face to face, want to say a lot, but a mouth turned into a string of bubbles.
I know, like me, you face it alone, carrying everything by yourself, bearing the pressure and bad past. Because of similar experiences, I have a * * * sound with you. You said that you are a boring person, and I said that I am also a boring person, but when boring meets boring, it sparks a different spark.
I am six days older than you. In a sense, I am your brother. I entered the circle earlier than you, and in a sense, I am also your "predecessor"; I am the Lord and you are Bay. This is an agreement.
After I first met you and knew why you joined the circle, I told you a lot of points for attention in the circle out of concern. You and I are both realistic people, and we are all close to each other with a certain purpose.
But after I learned about your past and your experience, I found it different. You are different from anyone before me, which gives me a bosom friend and a straw. I don't want to treat you like a shell too much. I think that would insult you. My previous relationship between subject and object was like a role-playing. Different roles played with each other, and in different situations, I used routine "exhortation and games".
But you are different. All I ask of you is "safety", "health" and "protecting your social relations and distance", because you have done well in other aspects and are highly self-disciplined, even far beyond me, and I can do nothing, so you are not qualified to do anything. This is my principle.
I don't like to play role-playing with you, and neither do you, because when the novelty of each other passes, it will slowly fade away and finally disappear into the sea of people.
I don't want to lose you like this, it will be a great loss in my life!
Besides your thoughts, outlook on life and attitude towards life, what moved me more was that I collapsed that night without any warning, even when I was doing what I should do as usual, I suddenly collapsed, but I still chatted with you as usual.
Maybe it's because of your job. You caught the fault in my words, let me wait for you to finish. You didn't start to worry until you heard my voice on the phone. Call me as soon as you are finished, and say that you will come to see me the next day. You know, I'm devastated.
That was the first time I was noticed wrong without speaking out. I am very happy and touched, because finally someone can see the fragility behind my seemingly strong, but dare not let you come. I'm afraid my gaffes will cause you trouble, so let you stay with me for a day. I am even more afraid that I will let you come because I have no money, and I will not give you a good experience and feeling. Finally, I agreed, and you came and appeared when I needed it, which eased my tension.
I said I was a sister-in-law, because the first girl I liked was older than me, so I became a sister-in-law. But what is the real reason? Besides taking care of girls, I also want to be taken care of and seek comfort. And when I face you who is only six days younger than me, I can take care of you, and at the same time I can escape for a while and snuggle up in your arms like a child. I feel everything is so beautiful.
When we are with you, we all do more than we say. Similar experiences and current situations make us mature prematurely. As Capricorn, we don't use flowery words to express our thoughts, and even be realistic, speculating and rehearsing each other's state when they lose each other.
So you are special, unique and unique.
"If you drank that cup of tea while it was hot, would you still go?"
I am worried about you because I am afraid of losing you.
I promised to accompany you on June 1 day, and I did. You said you were busy at the beginning of the month, so go ahead. So we celebrated Children's Day three days in advance, and I was very happy and happy for those three days. Maybe for some reason, you went out for a day on June 1, but on the way back, you have been dealing with things at work. At 10: 30, I asked you if you got home safely. You said you were on your way and didn't come back to me.
Even though I was anxious that night, I was afraid to call you. I'm afraid that my phone call will affect your normal driving and cause an accident, because every time you go home, no matter how late it is, you will say "I'm back". I wonder if you are busy with customer information, for fear that the information I send will make you flustered.
A series of waiting makes me more and more worried. Did you have a traffic accident driving on the road, or did you collapse and cry alone in the car for some reason?
I waited until 12: 30, and finally I couldn't help it. I sent you another message anxiously. You said I had arrived home safely, and I put my hanging heart down. That night, we talked a lot and talked a lot. I know my worries may seem to you to be just lip service and lies. After all, I'm not worried enough to be around you right away.
Because you have seen so many such things, you said that no one has ever been so worried about you. I understand:
People like us can only hide our stomachs and expose our thorns like hedgehogs. Only in this way can we minimize our own harm. If we don't expect someone to care about us, we won't be disappointed.
Because I am such a person, I feel even more sorry for you. I try my best to make you happy, make myself embarrassed, tell you stories, imitate the voices of anime characters and tell you their classic lines to make you laugh and forget the negative energy and bad mood in life and work. Comfort you, encourage you, and make you believe that what you have done has proved your ability well.
I really want you to know that you are cared for and needed.
Vending machines sell not only drinks, but also cherished memories.
Let me ask you, if you will eventually lose someone or something, will you choose not to do it at first?
You said that being an adult is too tiring, and the more you know, the worse you feel.
Maybe so, but I believe that when we know more, we will definitely get out of that pain.
You and I are both adults, but you also said that the happiest thing is that we can be children in front of each other. We are all growing up, but it is also a blessing to have the means to be children again.
I don't want to lose you. At least, it's not because of my rude remarks tonight that you left me with a cold heart. In that case, I will hate myself, because it is equivalent to pushing you away by myself. I don't want this.
This is my fault. Will you forgive me if I say it?
Children, you and I both know that the world is not as full of laughter as we think. We are lonely most of the time, only ourselves, not so special, bright, special, and without the wisdom that everyone is drunk and I wake up alone, just the most common one among all sentient beings.
Smart, some people say you work hard, some people say you are lucky and optimistic, and some people will say you are hypocritical. No matter what we do, we can't make everyone accept you. You may not have many things when you grow up, but you may lose more. How lucky it is to meet someone who really understands each other and can accompany them, and most people are not as lucky as us.
The world is not as fair as we thought. When we are trying to live, it is easy for others to indulge their youth, clubbing, tattooing, getting drunk and traveling around the world. The world is not as reasonable as you think. Being a sensible child, what you get is not love, only more grievances and incomprehension of others.
But the world is not as beautiful as we thought, but we can be beautiful, with always clear eyes and always soft and kind hearts. Clubs, tattoos, smoking and getting drunk seem cool, but they are not difficult at all. Anyone can do it. What is even cooler is those things that are not easy to do, such as studying, exercising, making money and loving someone with your heart.
Maybe we are lonely and helpless, and life is changing rapidly.
But we will still find the reason to love life, and be a happy and positive person, always kind, always soft and always full of hope.
Even if we grow up and try to shoulder the burden of life, even if people come and go in life, even if we are polite and sensible, we no longer vent our emotions at will and try to act like adults, but only we know each other, and we have not changed from beginning to end. In our hearts, we have always been the same children.
Romain rolland once said: "There is only one true heroism in the world, and that is to love life after recognizing the truth."
Can you forgive me, my little friend?
Review of previously submitted materials
Weibo: Korean culture of responsibility 2020
Red Book: Korean Responsibility Culture
Zhihu: Chinese culture of responsibility
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With the opening of the recent appointment practice, the news may not be answered in time. I hope everyone can understand.
Read the original text to see the three major writers and circles in the world.
This article comes from: Deer+