Everyone's growth experience will have a long-term impact on themselves, and we often make some unhealthy strategies to protect our fragile hearts.
A female classmate left a message saying that she quarreled with her boyfriend these days, and when she got angry, she blacked out her boyfriend's WeChat and phone.
This kind of blackening has been done many times, and every time my boyfriend will take the initiative to find her, but this time, my boyfriend has not contacted himself for two days. Her mobile phone can read the call interception records. All the records are only a phone call from my boyfriend the day before yesterday, and I haven't come to see her yet.
She said that she also took the initiative to end the power outage today, but the boyfriend still didn't look for her. It's really because she's too much for each other. What should I do? Do you want to find a boyfriend?
We often say that some people have a bad temper, especially in intimate relationships. Emotionally, people will break things, say bad words to each other, break up blurted out, and even hit people.
However, after losing his temper, the goose may fall into guilt and regret again. Just like this reader friend, he blacked out the other person when he was angry, and then felt that he had gone too far and didn't know how to make up for the damage in the relationship. However, the next time she encounters a similar situation, she may still be unable to control herself and make some impulsive behaviors.
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What do people think when they are angry?
This kind of behavior has a very important feature, which is called resorting to action. The so-called resort to action means that when we have emotions that cannot be expressed in words, we use actions to express them.
For example, if a person is angry, but can't say I am angry in words, I am unhappy, so I can only tell the other person "I am angry" by throwing things at others or breaking up.
Seeing that action is a defense mechanism can help us reduce the intrusion of anxiety into our hearts. So when I have an impulse, I just do it. This feeling is like that as soon as I act, the bad feeling will disappear immediately.
So many people are not satisfied with their work and will not try to express and communicate. Instead, they will finish the work by procrastinating, or directly resign and leave the company to express their dissatisfaction.
A friend who manages human resources for the company shared that the biggest headache in his current job is recruitment.
He said he didn't know why. Many college students recruited now have poor academic qualifications and good skills. However, there is a fatal problem that you can't criticize him. The boss said a little, he either beat the table and resigned, or burst into tears, leaving the leader helpless.
These are all manifestations of resorting to action. In the process of growing up, we learned to express our emotions with actions.
Because behavior develops earlier than language, children learn to use behavior to get attention before their language ability is developed.
For example, infants will smile at adults when they are happy, and adults will feel happy, which will help infants attract more attention from adults; When the baby is uncomfortable or needs it, he will cry at the adults to attract their attention and get care.
When a person can't bear emotions and can't express them in words, he may take actions to relieve emotional stress like a child.
So, why do you want to black each other when you are angry? Because black can attract each other's attention. Being hacked repeatedly is, after all, because of worrying about the relationship. If you don't care, you will never have nothing after being hacked once.
However, when we resort to action, it is not only easy to hurt ourselves and each other, but also often hurts our relationship. Many reasons for breaking up are precisely because of emotional instability, and they want to express their feelings but keep hurting.
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I don't know if you have ever felt the feeling of riding a roller coaster with your partner in intimate relationship.
You don't know what he will be like in the next second. Maybe he just talks and laughs with you, but then he will be inexplicably unhappy and emotionally fluctuating, which will make you unpredictable. This is a typical state of unstable or even chaotic emotional expression.
Then why did he show such emotional instability?
Apart from genetic factors, it is largely due to their interaction with their parents in their early life. For example, parents' unstable treatment, sometimes neglect and sometimes spoil, or abuse and abandonment. It may form the characteristics of children's emotional instability.
Because they have never been treated stably since childhood, they don't know what a stable emotional expression is.
Perhaps it is the parents' own emotional instability, which also led to their inability to feel a stable emotional experience when they were young.
Some readers once shared that the ex-boyfriend was naughty when he was a child and was often beaten by his mother. Every time after being beaten, his mother would hold him in her arms and cry, saying that she didn't mean to, and her mother loved him.
For this boy, he may feel that love is accompanied by pain and injury, so when he grows up, he will love each other like this.
This is why when she is with her boyfriend, she often feels very contradictory. Because her boyfriend will praise her to the sky for a while, saying that meeting her is a blessing in his life, and then he will belittle her and say that she knows nothing.
After numerous tortures, she came out of this intimate relationship. She said she didn't know how to get along with her ex-boyfriend.
Children who grow up in an unstable emotional environment like this can easily become confused. He doesn't know why he is like this, and he will feel anxious and painful because of his confusion.
They may also take actions again in the relationship to alleviate their pain and anxiety, and may even cause harm to themselves or each other.
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What is behind the emotional instability?
Perhaps there is fear and sadness behind their emotional confusion.
Because in their hearts, there is a poor and helpless child who is afraid that once he shows weakness, he will be attacked or rejected by others. In order not to be hurt by others, you must become very powerful and aggressive.
Therefore, you will find that those who repeatedly blacken their partners are actually very fragile inside. It seems to be abandoning each other, but in fact it is afraid of being abandoned by each other.
Beneath their strong appearance, they are fragile, and behind these out-of-control and impulses, there is pain that cannot be expressed in words.
Because their emotions have not been seen, confirmed, and no one has taught them how to express their emotions and pains. Therefore, they will express to each other in those impulsive and angry ways: Have you seen me? Do you see my mood? Do you see my pain?
The way we express our emotions is all the skills we developed in the process of growing up to adapt to the environment at that time, and these skills really helped us.
However, when we grow up, have a new life and interpersonal relationship, especially a close relationship, you will find that the original method seems less applicable.
My emotions are always out of control, always impulsive and always in a dead relationship. So what should we do?
It is very important to be aware of your emotions.
It is when you realize that your anger is going to be ignited and you want to do something impulsively, you should see clearly why you are angry and what needs are behind your emotions.
Only when you are aware of the needs behind your emotions can you communicate and express yourself, instead of pretending to be strong and indifferent by watching actions, and then wanting to be loved, which will hurt the relationship.
Action is the basic function, and some love needs to be expressed through action; Language is an advanced function, and some injuries can be avoided through language.
Express your feelings, not emotional expressions, and your intimate relationship will be smooth and stable.