A Duo is the person who has surprised me the most since the broadcast of "Elder Sister Riding the Wind and Waves".
She has a resilience of wandering around the rivers and lakes and being well informed, and this resilience stems from her softness.
She is sensitive to other people's emotions.
When Yuan Yonglin was in a hurry to be eliminated and cried, she could not help but shed tears:
"I especially understand her feelings of not being seen in this effort."
She can also find each other's fragile and soft places through camouflage and take care of each other's growth properly.
At the beginning, I couldn't enter the program state quickly, didn't want to change my team uniform, and didn't like dancing.
In the face of difficult tranquility, A Duo seems to have seen the uneasiness behind her strength. As soon as she joined the team, she said, "We just want to protect Sister Jing.".
With A Duo's unconditional love, she quietly and rarely released her vigilance and showed her softest side. "If I don't advance, no matter who goes, I will go with them."
Who doesn't want to have such a powerful bosom sister?
In fact, what A Duo did was empathy, an ability to understand others and respond appropriately.
Rogers said that * * * love is to understand another person's experience in this world as that you are that person and let the person you love know that you understand him.
01* * Four levels of emotion
* * * Love can be divided into four levels.
1.* * * The first level of emotion: the cognitive level of * * * emotion.
I still remember that in "Mom is Superman", Hook cried bitterly.
During that time, she often went home overnight after filming, and she had to send her children to class because of lack of sleep.
Sha Yi doesn't care about Hooke, but wants to solve the problem, saying that Hooke has made himself very hard.
Then Hook said, "It's not difficult in itself. The hardest thing is your attitude. "
Why?
What Hooke needs is not advice to solve the problem, but emotional understanding and support.
On the contrary, Sha Yi's expression denied Hooke's efforts in balancing work and family.
This is the common first-class emotion in life: the cognitive level of emotion, ignoring the emotional level.
This kind of communication often makes us more and more lonely.
2. The second level of emotion: including cognitive level and emotional level.
Li Songwei, a psychological counselor, shared an experience.
In family counseling with another teacher, a child lost his temper and started throwing things.
The child's parents couldn't help but stop it, and he couldn't help it.
In the emotional storm, we are often easily involved in it quickly, deeply understand each other's emotions, and feel powerless and hopeless about each other.
At this time, on the basis of accepting each other's emotions, discovering those cognitive information can often help each other see the light in hopelessness.
Just like this consultation, another teacher motioned them to sit tight.
When the child's emotions are about to get out of control, hold the glass high and smash it to the ground.
After a while, there was still no sound. It turned out that the child gently put down the cup and picked up everything on the ground and put it back.
Where did the power of the child get out of control?
In fact, on the emotional level, he lost his temper and smashed things crazily.
However, on the level of objective facts, what he smashed was unbreakable.
The teacher is keenly aware of the self-control ability behind the child's out-of-control emotions, accepts the emotional state of the other party at this time by allowing ways, and conveys trust to the other party through nonverbal means such as eyes.
Because of the psychological counselor's affection, he saw the power of children's self-control, and children could find their own sense of power in despair.
The * * * feeling of cognition and emotion can often piece together a more complete pattern for each other and provide some new angles.
3. The third level of emotion: cognition+emotion+guidance.
In Genius on the Left and Madman on the Right, there is a mental patient who is convinced that he is a mushroom, does not eat or drink, and stays motionless in the corner of the room.
The psychologist did not force him to eat and drink, nor did he try to change his cognition, saying, "You are actually a person".
But squatting next to the patient with an umbrella.
The patient is curious: "Who are you?"
The doctor said, "I am a mushroom, too."
After a while, the doctor stood up and walked around. The patient asked, "How can mushrooms walk around?"
The doctor said, "Of course mushrooms can go everywhere."
The patient felt justified and began to walk.
After a while, the doctor took out the hamburger and began to eat.
The patient asked again, "How to eat mushrooms?"
The doctor said, "Of course you can eat mushrooms."
The patient felt reasonable and began to eat.
After several weeks, the patient was still convinced that he was a mushroom, but he was able to lead a normal life.
In life, many instructions are invalid because of the lack of the previous emotional cognition and emotional part.
For example, a 34-year-old female doctor talked about her increasingly closed life in the variety "How do you look so good" searched by the public.
Her words were frequently interrupted and labeled as "single and older", "no lipstick", "no makeup" and "no high heels".
The guidance formed without cognition and emotion is often not the needs of the other party, but the instructor's attempt to transform the other party, which stems from letting the other party agree with their own needs.
On the other hand, in a similar variety show "queer eyes of straight men", the guests expressed their preference for loose clothes.
They don't force their guests to be more "feminine" and wear tight clothes or dresses, but teach them how to match loose clothes with a sense of fashion.
The real guidance is this. I tried to walk into your world and want to know "what do you really need"?
I make suggestions, just like you, not as I hope.
4. The fourth level of emotion: cognition+emotion+guidance+resources.
When Yuan Yonglin wanted to step aside, A Duo's words were impressive:
"Being a captain has nothing to do with age."
"I just came to support you. I think you can. "
"I can see your talent, and you will be a good captain."
"This is your homework, the homework that God put in front of you, and you will face it sooner or later."
Seeing and understanding can't stop Yuan Yongling from constantly doubting herself. She helped Yuan Yonglin organize the resources around her in a few words.
Cognition and emotional feelings can help us enter other people's world and guide each other's communication.
The guidance and discovery of resources can help us expand our own world, see things that we couldn't see before, and find new directions and the possibility of self-transformation.
How to cultivate * * * emotional ability?
* * * Love is the most important ability to build and maintain relationships.
It can not only help us understand each other, but also allow us to resolve conflicts flexibly.
Then, as we all know, affection is a good ability, but many people can't. Why?
In fact, behind the lack of emotional ability, there is often a child who is afraid of being injured.
* * * Emotional ability has a premise, that is, we must first understand our emotions and mobilize our feelings to understand other people's world.
Some people lack emotional ability because they isolated their emotions first.
They may look indifferent and have no emotions; May look calm and rational, always trying to solve problems.
Perhaps it is because they have been lost in the emotional storm and feel that they can't cope with emotions. They think that emotion is an obstacle to solving problems, so they avoid being emotional.
Secondly, * * * love is a kind of care for each other, not an emotional infection.
What do you mean?
If you stay with a depressed person for ten minutes, you will soon experience depression.
This kind of emotional contagion makes us unconsciously realize the unbearable pain of the other party.
Some people choose to close their hearts and be indifferent to others in order to avoid similar pain.
But we use * * * feelings, in fact, in order to alleviate the suffering of others, but also to make ourselves better off.
In other words, emotional contagion is not equal to * * *.
How to achieve * * * love care, rather than being infected by emotions?
The important thing is to establish boundaries.
Yi Nengjing will never forget his bad childhood. When she was in love, she cried for Qin Hao. Qin Hao told her after listening: "If you are sick, you can cure it!"
He chose to shield Yi Nengjing's pain like a black hole, but he didn't completely avoid it. Instead, he felt * * * calm down and know each other:
"You now have only two possibilities. The first one is as abnormal as you and feels sorry for you. You two will start a sad drama here.
The second one wants to be your doctor and tell you what life should be like.
You will only meet these two kinds of people. "
Emotional contagion often blurs the boundaries between people and makes us constantly consume ourselves.
What * * * cares about is that you always remember that you and he are still different; You just understand that person, not become him.
You can choose how to love each other and take care of yourself.
In this world, everyone has a loneliness of their own, like an island.
When we have the ability to feel other people's feelings and experience other people's world, we can connect people with * * * feelings and make the island no longer lonely.
The touch of this moment is actually a very precious thing, because it proves that you are awake and alive.
As psychologist kohut once said:
"Love is the breath of life."