Idealization-make up for the deficiency in reality with fantasy.
Why do people need idealization?
Professor Jerome blakeman is a certified psychoanalyst of American Psychoanalysis Association, Freudian Society of new york and American Psychoanalysis Institute. In his book The Mask of the Mind-101defense mechanism, he said that people idealize a person for the following four reasons:
First, narcissistic projection, in order to reduce the sense of shame caused by their imperfections. When we idealize a person, we often project our expectations, desires or unfulfilled wishes on others to make up for our shortcomings.
Idolization, as mentioned earlier, witnessed the growth and success of the star all the way, as if he succeeded, but in fact, his study, work or interpersonal relationship may be a mess. In the process of idolization, he doesn't have to face his own difficulties, he can get pleasure in the illusory world.
In the movie "Life of Disliked Pine Nuts", the poor pine nuts are addicted to young idols. She can confess to them on TV, accuse them and fantasize about being with these idols, which makes her feel glamorous, young and energetic, and has become a force to support her to live.
Second, narcissism, combine this person with your high self-image. Idealization actually has two directions, one is to others, the other is to oneself, or the relationship between them, in order to satisfy one's narcissism.
For example, a girl told her best friend that she had found a handsome and tall boyfriend. In fact, her boyfriend is very ordinary and his height is less than 1.7 meters.
In fact, her expression involves three aspects of idealization: she idealizes her boyfriend and herself at the same time, thinking that she is worthy of a tall and handsome boy, or that only a tall and handsome boy is worthy of herself, and also idealizes the relationship between them. This tall and handsome boy fell in love with himself at first sight and was gentle and considerate.
Korean dramas are sought after by many housewives, which is actually a similar psychological process. The play is always handsome, gentle and considerate, and falls in love with this woman with ordinary looks and family background. No matter how many obstacles she encounters, she will never give up, depicting a romantic love story of a prince pursuing Cinderella. As a result, housewives are addicted to this and often compare men in film and television dramas with their husbands. As a result, in reality, the more they look at their husbands, the less pleasing they are.
Third, love and avoid disappointment. Ideal love can make two people fall in love quickly, and a person who is particularly rational and sees through the evil of human nature may find it difficult to trust a person and enter an intimate relationship. Of course, we sometimes need idealized love to support ourselves through the darkness, give ourselves time and space, make ourselves stronger, and begin to face the truth when we can bear it.
A lady was abandoned by her father when she was a child, but her mother never complained about her father in front of her. Every time I ask my father what kind of person he is, my mother will present her idealized images of her husband and father to her children, so that she always believes that she has a good father and has always been deeply loved by her father.
This beauty sustained her until she went to college. When she was a sophomore, her father, who had been missing for many years, contacted her and she knew the truth. Although the appearance of her biological father made her idealized father disappear and she collapsed, blaming her mother for cheating her, after a period of psychological counseling, she could face her biological father calmly and express her anger to her father.
In fact, as an adult, she can bear the trauma of her early years, but this kind of trauma did not bring her too many negative effects in her growing experience.
Fourth, put yourself in the other's shoes, just like the perfect parents when I was a child. We mentioned empathy in the relationship between consultation and interview earlier. In fact, leaders in the workplace and teachers in schools can find the shadow of ideal and perfect parents in them.
A graduate student once told me about his tutor, saying that the tutor is knowledgeable and particularly approachable. When working with the tutor on the project, the tutor gave him a lot of help in both study and life. Near graduation, he also helped him recommend job opportunities, which made him particularly grateful. In his mind, the tutor is like his ideal father.
The positive power brought by idealization
First of all, idealization can evolve into an upward traction, and people can set their own ideals and goals in life on this basis. This is different from the wish built on a mirage, but it is put into action to realize it.
For example, we can project our imperfect parts onto an idealized object, which is exactly the space for us to improve, and even try to become a successful person like him through the process of learning from an idol.
Secondly, it helps to form an idealized self. In the process of superego, that is, moral self-formation, we will take an idealized figure as an example, such as asking ourselves to be a virtuous person, a kind person and a valuable person to others and society, which will help us shape an idealized self.
This is also the reason why parents should integrate knowledge and practice in their education of their children. They will set a good example for their children. Children not only know why they want to do this, but also know what they should do to become their ideal self.
In addition, making friends with your ideal people and getting close to people who are better than yourself can also make you better. For example, I am not good at socializing, and I envy those who are particularly cheerful, sunny and warm-hearted. I can try to make friends with people who have a big contrast with my personality. Under their influence, I may be changed.
Finally, idealization can keep a utopia of its own, a place where the soul can rest. A visitor once told me that when he was in school bullying, the owner of the noodle restaurant at the school gate became his spiritual pillar and gave him a lot of spiritual comfort. In fact, the noodle shop owner didn't do anything, just greeted him warmly and talked with him briefly. I didn't expect him to feel the warmth.
How did the idealized psychological mechanism come into being?
Melanie klein, an Austrian psychoanalyst and a pioneer of children's psychoanalysis, believes that idealization is a psychological defense to protect loved ones from destructive impulses.
At first, the baby did not have the image of the mother in his eyes, but equated his mother's breasts with his mother. When the baby cries because of hunger, if the mother's breasts can provide enough milk to meet the baby's needs, this is a "good breast"; When the mother's breasts can't meet the baby's needs, he regards her as a "bad breast", and the baby will have an anxiety of persecution.
An idealized mother is always a "good breast", which can protect herself from the fear of persecution. At the same time, idealization can also maintain a desire that my object can satisfy me infinitely and I have inexhaustible "good breasts". Therefore, idealization always goes hand in hand with division and projection.
Dr Otto Kenberg, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Cornell University School of Medicine in the United States, believes that people with borderline personality structure will use division to defend their anxiety caused by identifying another person's integrated "complete object" characteristics and the complexity of important objects.
Ignoring a person's "bad" side and modifying, perfecting or idealizing the object can avoid the contradictory feelings of love and hate.
For example, the person you love is not allowed to have any flaws. Once you find something bad in him, it will automatically degenerate and there will be a danger of destroying the object you love. In order to avoid this anxiety, he must keep a perfect image in his mind, and at the same time, no one is allowed to raise objections and see the truth.
Idealized objects mainly come from important caregivers in early years, such as parents or grandparents. For a weak baby, the nurturer is his day. The worse parents are, the more children need to whitewash and idealize their parents. Only in this way can he have a chance to "survive". Even in adulthood, some children still don't want to see their parents neglect, abuse and belittle themselves, because facing these injuries may completely collapse the value system he once built.
At the same time, parents will intentionally or unintentionally impose their own values on their children and unconsciously shape the image of their inner ideal self. For example, if you work hard and get ahead, it will be valuable; You should think more about others and pay more, so as to be recognized by others; You should listen to your parents. It's filial piety or something.
Parents will even look for role models for their children, the most common being other people's children. However, when children grow up, they find that such an idealized self makes them particularly uncomfortable and becomes a shackle to define themselves. At this time, the inner contradiction arises: because denying this idealized self defined by parents means betrayal of parents, which is extremely terrible.
What kind of influence will excessive idealization bring to us?
Excessive rationalization, the essence is to cover up the fragility and paleness of reality, and let yourself live in a fantasy world all the time. Idealization is like an anesthetic, which makes it impossible to connect with reality and produce action.
Love in film and television dramas is always so desirable, and the routines in the drama are always similar to Cinderella. The heroine is extremely ordinary in all aspects, but she is loved by rich boys. Although Cinderella refused again and again, the rich boy never gave up. Finally, after suffering, she touched the heroine and let lovers get married.
"Poisoning" is too deep, ordinary girls begin to daydream, outline their idealized image of Prince Charming, and wait for the arrival of their ideal partner. And these unrealistic ideas have become obstacles that hinder them from entering intimate relationships.
In addition, the over-idealization of parents or their relationship will also affect children's concept of mate selection. For example, the mother is beautiful, gentle and virtuous. If you look for her according to her standards, you may always be disappointed. It seems that no woman can surpass her mother.
After entering marriage, comparing idealized parents and partners will breed a lot of dissatisfaction. A friend once told me that she was too envious of her parents' relationship. Their marriage is so perfect that she feels that she may not find such a partner in her life and can run a marriage with him like her parents.
In fact, her parents must have many differences and contradictions. She only saw the loving side of her parents, but she didn't know what kind of running-in her parents had experienced.
Sometimes, imperfect parents can promote the transformation from ideal to reality and promote a person's mental growth.
In marriage, people often follow the principle of reality, while in love, they follow the principle of ideal, and in sex, they follow the principle of happiness, which is why idealized love is difficult to enter marriage. Because it is not easy to integrate these three principles into marriage.
So sometimes idealizing others is to prepare for attacking a person, and idealizing feelings is to prepare for experiencing being unloved.
An idealized partner, but he can't reach this idealization. He failed to live up to your expectations and trust, and this is his fault and has become an excuse for being attacked. In idealized feelings, one can never be satisfied, and it is difficult to experience being loved.
Of course, the most serious thing is the disillusionment of idealism, and even the idea of suicide, which makes people feel desperate.
If people lack the ability to mourn after losing their idealism, it will be difficult to rekindle the hope of life, which will lead to depression.