Why are good intentions not rewarded, and really children are not sensible? No, in fact, your so-called education and discipline hurt her and brought her to where she is today. Give you this article "Ten Bad Habits of Parents Will Ruin Children's Life". I hope you won't be confused after reading this article.
Remember: children should be in charge, but relax to a certain extent.
1, have high hopes for children and pursue perfection.
It is generally said that the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment. In order not to disappoint yourself, we can only put pressure on our children. In this case, the child will cater to parents, teachers and even social evaluation to become an "excellent" child! Such Excellence often ignores the needs of children themselves.
"Excellence" is a double-edged sword! When a child caters to his parents' expectations, he loses himself and his life is no longer comfortable and smooth! He can only hold on to the "Excellence" he paid so much for! Such an "excellent" child is simply a bomb! It will be detonated at any time, either hurting people or blowing itself up! According to statistics, 23% of mentally ill children in universities are recognized as "excellent" in junior and senior high schools.
2. When the child is dissatisfied with himself, despise and punish him.
In fact, children are already very sorry when they can't satisfy their parents. At this time, they need the companionship, help and support of their parents' love most. Parents ignore their children's feelings and are dominated by their own emotions. They just think: you are my child, you have to give me face, you have to let me have face, you can't lose my face! Then use your own weird rules and frames to restrain the children. But children are often rebellious, and the more you care about them, the less you listen!
A baby daughter just started playing games every day on holiday and went to bed at night 12. Mom, menstruation and grandma at home are impatient: what if I play computer every day and don't do my homework? Accusing the child, the child snorted in the air and remained the same. Her father came back from a business trip just in time for his wife to worry about it. He entered his daughter's room: she turned around and called "Dad". He said: play computer, nothing, you play! Then he put his hand on his daughter's head and said half jokingly, Dad sent you some energy of love. Don't delay your play. Keep playing. Ten minutes later, he let go and said, well, I don't want to play. Go to bed early. Don't be exhausted! That night, my daughter went to bed at half past ten. Give children some space so that they can still get love in a state of guilt, and children will be obedient and responsible for themselves. When a child does something you are not so satisfied with and he knows it well, it is more important to accompany him silently and simply give him love and support!
3. Compare your children with others.
This is a common problem of all parents: when you put the shackles of "comparison" on your child, the child will never be happy.
4. Conditionally meet the needs of children.
Buy sneakers first in the exam! When you enter the top five, we will travel as a family! Many parents regard this as a reasonable and enlightened reward and punishment measure for their children! As everyone knows, the subconscious message this brings to children is that they are loved only if they meet their parents' standards. Then children will pay the price of losing themselves in order to get the love of their parents!
The father mentioned above has never had any requirements for his daughter's study, and even joked: "Don't have a few before the exam, and it will be troublesome for a few to be stared at by the teacher before the exam!" But once my daughter won the third place, I was still very happy. She said to her father: Dad, treat me to KFC today! The father said: ok! But dad didn't invite you because you were the third. Dad loves you, even if you want to eat KFC, dad will invite you!
The child said impatiently, OK, OK, I know. How is your heart? Needless to say, she is happy!
5. Count the children's faults
Parents are most willing to scold their children and teach them! Teaching is something that every parent is particularly keen on. Some people feel their majesty from teaching, while others feel the pleasure of conquest. Whether the child is convinced by mouth or heart! However, the best teaching is "teaching without words". It is wrong to criticize children, either making them lose self-confidence or self-esteem.
6. Predict that children are worthless
Predicting that a child is worthless has two consequences. First, the more you say that he is worthless, the more worthless he is, completely losing his fighting spirit and learning ability, and finally realizing your prediction! Another kind of child, the more you say that he is worthless, the more he has to prove that he is promising, but if he lives in "proof" all his life, he will lose himself and lose his wisdom and happiness in life. There is a girl who grew up in the countryside. She has a brother up there. Since childhood, my parents have favored my brother and decided that he is more promising than her. She was wronged and unconvinced. Therefore, if you are self-motivated, you must try your best to show your parents if she can compete with your brother. Later, she did better than her brother in the exam, went to college, got a good job and got married. But because it takes a lot of time and energy to prove to parents, the husband can't bear it anymore and wants to divorce her. ...
7. Make choices instead of children
There are three stages of children's psychological independence, namely, 3 years old, 9 years old and 12 years old. Children eat by themselves, parents should care and not interfere. Don't say eat all your clothes. Let me feed them! Or what clothes the child wants to wear, you have to choose for him! It is also unwise to quietly sign up for piano classes for children.
Parents are always manipulating their children with their own brains, ignoring the process of substitution, which is the process of depriving children of growth. When you deprive your child of some aspect of growth, the child loses some ability.
8. Restrict children from doing what they want.
Parents like to say: don't do this, don't do that! However, the child's nature is that the less you want me to do this, the more I want it!
9. Always worry about children.
I don't think children have control ability, and I don't think children can actually! So-the best way for you to get unwanted results is to worry! You are worried about puppy love, and children will definitely fall in love; You are worried about your child's internet addiction, and your child must be addicted!
A mother warned her child when she passed an Internet cafe when she was still in the first grade of primary school: Look, this is the Internet cafe. Many children go bad as soon as they go in. You can't go in! Day after day, at first, the child didn't understand, but he was curious. Finally, one day, the child couldn't help walking into this Internet cafe.
Later, the child was addicted to the internet! Whether children are confident or not depends on parents' attitude towards their children.
10, don't trust children.
The root of not believing in children is that parents don't believe in themselves. When the child says to his mother, it's okay, I'm doing my homework at home alone, so go and get busy! As soon as the mother closed the door, she thought, the child must be playing computer at home! This kind of reaction will make children feel that their parents don't trust me, like me and respect me! Don't believe that children are destroying their self-esteem. Parents always strive to train their children in the direction of success and devote themselves to training their children into "talents", ignoring the problem that children should be "adults" first. As a result, there are more and more problem children. We believe that the process of parents educating their children is the process of adjusting their state to peace and joy, and the state of peace and joy is love! The process of educating children is also a process of broadening your mind! It is easy to change a child. You "accommodate" a child and the child will "change"! A little change of parents has a great influence on children. He will learn from his parents little by little, use it to kill his confidence, and let himself be tortured by the painful result of it forever. Parents should believe that their children are excellent! Every child has his own Excellence! Don't strangle children's self-esteem with comparison!
Trust the child, praise the child, inspire the child, and give her (or him) the motivation to move forward. This is the best parents!
Give you another copy of your parents' godson diary:
(1) There are always two chances.
I saw such a short story from the internet.
A newly graduated college student in California, USA, was drafted in accordance with the law in the winter conscription, and will soon serve in the most difficult and dangerous Marine Corps.
He was worried and felt that the end was coming. Grandpa saw his grandson like this, so he enlightened him and said, "Son, there is nothing to worry about. In the Marine Corps, you will have two opportunities, one is to stay in the internal service department and the other is to be assigned to the field department. If you are assigned to the background, don't worry at all. "
"What will happen if I am assigned to the Field Department?" The young man asked.
"There will be two opportunities, one is to stay in the United States, and the other is to be assigned to a military base abroad. If you are assigned to the United States, there is nothing to worry about. "
"So, what if it is assigned to a foreign base?"
"There are two opportunities, one is assigned to a peaceful and friendly country, and the other is assigned to a peacekeeping area. If it is assigned to a peaceful and friendly country, it is also a good thing to be grateful for. "
"What should I do if I am unfortunately assigned to a peacekeeping area?"
"That also has two opportunities, one is a safe return, one is unfortunately injured. If you can come back safely, there is no need to worry! "
"What if you are unfortunately injured?"
"You also have two opportunities, one is still able to save lives, and the other is completely invalid. If you can save your life, why worry? "
"What if the complete treatment is ineffective?"
"There will be two opportunities, one is to die as a national hero who dares to take the lead, and the other is passive, while Nuo Nuo is hiding behind but unfortunately killed. Of course you will choose the former. Everyone will die. Isn't it a good thing to end your life with a hero? "
There are always two chances in life!
Everything may develop in two directions, and it may have completely different results, but even the worst result will contain hope, just as the best choice may bring disaster. Explained by China's ancient philosophy, it is impermanence; An old frontiersman loses his horse—a blessing in disguise.
In life, many of our troubles are actually much ado about nothing. Things are impermanent and inconclusive. If you look at it with a good eye, it is good; If you look at it with a bad eye, it is bad. So, let's tell our children that there is nothing to be depressed about, and consider the worst result clearly. If you can bear the worst, what else can crush you?
(2) Success comes from internal motivation.
A netizen once left a message on my blog saying: Think about the children who can't afford books, and then think about the children who grew up in a war environment, and pressure will become motivation! There are many people in China, and there are many people who want to compete. Give children all over the world a famous saying-people don't necessarily live to learn, but learning must be to live!
I don't agree with him. The sentence "People don't live to learn" is correct, but the sentence "Learning must live" is not necessarily correct. If the purpose of learning is only to live, then when the problem of "living" is solved, is there no need to study? This involves the question of what is the motivation of learning.
Learning is the need of survival, but it also has the pleasure of learning. The two are often intertwined. Different people have different situations, and the same person has different situations at different stages of life. But one thing is certain: the more autonomous learning, the stronger the pleasure of learning, and the longer and more successful this person will be in learning.
Real success comes from internal motivation.
I read an article written by pianist Lang Lang and recalled a conflict between him and his father. When he was a child, his father took him away from his hometown and went to Beijing to learn the piano. During his application to the Central Conservatory of Music, he was rejected by his teacher and his talent was not recognized. His father was badly hit and almost collapsed, and he was urged to practice the piano in a serious and almost pathological way. He couldn't bear it, and his father and son clashed. During the conflict, my father flew into a rage and told him to die. He took a bottle of pills on the spot and forced him to swallow it. He refused to swallow it. My dad screamed for him to jump to death! He struggled desperately for fear that his father would throw him off the balcony ... To tell the truth, I got goose bumps all over.
Lang Lang finally succeeded, and many people may owe it to his father's strict supervision and self-sacrifice. Actually, it is not. Judging from the conflicts he described, his father's compulsion and impulse have made him hate music, so that for a long time, he not only refused to play the piano, but also refused to participate in other school literary and artistic activities and all music-related activities.
At that stage, if you have to find an external tutor, it's not his father, but his second uncle who respects his internal choice, a peddler who doesn't know music. He just told Lang Lang not to be angry with the piano. "The piano didn't hurt you. You love the piano. " Indeed, the most important reason for Lang Lang's return to the piano is his love of music.
If it weren't for his heartfelt love for music, his innate talent and talent, and his own desire for success, his father's almost crazy education would not only fail him, but might ruin him and make him fail even ordinary people.
There are many such examples. It is reported that a madman made his child drop out of school and taught him to play the violin himself. He has been practicing for several hours every day for several years, and his level is still elementary. The most terrible thing is not the lack of technical progress, but the children's boredom or even disgust with the violin.
It is a misunderstanding of many self-righteous parents to let their children leave school in the name of opposing rigid education and exam-oriented education, but let them enter more terrible authoritarian education and closed education. Maybe you think that school repression distorts children's nature, but can you guarantee that you will give children a more democratic, freer, more civilized and broader education? We should always treat education with a rational attitude, because children's growth is irreversible and life is unrepeatable. Everyone has only one life.
(3) Only when you find yourself can you be creative.
The child will go to the bank with me and wait for the call. It is so boring. He walked around. I found a computer in the corner of the hall, so I opened the page and watched the animation. It was not until I finished my work and urged him several times that he reluctantly left.
That computer has existed in that corner for a long time, but I have been turning a blind eye. Every time I queue up, I'm bored, but I never want to play computer. Not only me, there are many people coming in and out of the bank every day, but few people have access to computers in the past. Usually, the computers in this business hall are used to inquire about related businesses, and we ordinary people never thought that we could use it to surf the Internet.
I asked the child how he found it. He said that he saw a computer, went up and moved it, and found a bank website. With one webpage, other webpages are easy to find.
I see.
I can't help wondering why I've never done such a simple thing before. The reason why he can do it is related to his computer knowledge, but more importantly, he has a strong desire. He likes animation, games and computers. When he saw a computer, he wanted to move it. He wanted to find it. The result was really found.
Maybe we will think, how good it would be to put this energy into learning (the word "learning" here usually refers to learning that can get high marks in exams)! But this is independent of our will. We don't know where the child's inner strength will be used, and even he may not know it himself. Therefore, the most important thing for people to grow up is to find themselves. Only when they find out can they be liberated and created.
(d) Don't buy children with money.
A child's mother promised to buy him a game machine if he got an average of 90 points in the graduation exam. As a result, he exceeded 90 points and got the game machine. The child was envious, saying that his average score was over 90, but he didn't get any reward. I said, your own ability has improved, you are respected in your class, you are more confident in your studies, you have been admitted to a good school, and your life has taken a good step. Would you like to exchange a game machine with you? Of course not!
Nothing in return can compare with what you get from the matter itself.
Buying children with money is a strategy with little chance of winning. Material incentive is a very superficial incentive mechanism. With money as the goal, the motivation provided by this goal is very limited.
Not to mention that children nowadays lack everything, even if they lack it, it is by no means a necessity. In this sense, any material reward is dispensable. Once it takes great efforts to get it, he would rather give it up. Therefore, some seemingly effective material incentives are actually just coincidences and have only a small effect. What really works is the internal motivation. Children's achievements have little to do with rewards. Whether there is a reward or not, the result is almost the same.
"Getting a sum of money" is only a short-term goal, and financial incentives can only be short-term incentives, but learning needs to accumulate over time. In this long-lasting activity, the financial stimulus will soon fail and the study will soon return to normal.
Academic performance cannot be improved at will. No matter how big the reward is, without the support of ability, the goal cannot be achieved. In the face of rewards, children are often willing but unable to achieve, or only give up. Giving up too much, not only failed to arouse the fighting spirit, but also produced a sense of frustration, less self-confidence and less self-motivation.
Excellent children are not rewarded by money. On the contrary, the stimulation of money sometimes backfires. This kind of stimulation can easily create the impression in children's minds that learning is a chore, not fun, and learning itself is meaningless, so material compensation is needed. This turns the whole thing upside down!
We firmly believe that money makes the mare go, so we turn our child into the mare go, but even if he gets the money, his spiritual growth will not tend to be great.
Learning is a lifetime thing. Only when children truly understand the value and significance of learning itself, and can have fun from learning itself, can learning be sustainable. Studying is like this, working and living is like this. Children will eventually grow up and face their own lives. If a person always lives for the encouragement of others, then his own life will always be in chains. Isn't that sad?
Of course, this does not mean that money cannot be used as an incentive. However, material incentives should be appropriate.
My encouragement to children is usually a hug. Even if there is a material reward, it is a small favor, such as buying a gadget for one yuan and two yuan. At most, they just go for a meal or play for half a day. As for bigger actions, such as traveling in winter and summer vacations, it is not a reward, but a routine activity that needs strict planning.
In this respect, his father is more generous than me, because he has fewer opportunities to reward him. He spends 1200 yuan every time, and the effect is not better than mine of one yuan and two yuan. Children nowadays are not short of material things. What he wants is not the reward itself, but the attitude it represents and the evaluation of adults. His father's 1200 represents the same evaluation as mine, so he won't expect more from me. The child adapted to my one yuan and two yuan, which became a base and a standard, and he adjusted his expectations and actions with this as a coordinate. The general exam is one yuan and two yuan, the big exam is three yuan and five yuan, and the extra-large good stuff is only ten yuan and twenty yuan. That time he won the lottery in the city and asked for a reward. I said, "Tell me, how much is it?" He hesitated for a long time, got up the courage and said, "Twenty!" I also replied to him: "You want me to go bankrupt!" Of course, this is a joke to increase the fun of bargaining with children.
Money is really not a problem. What he wants is an attitude. If our attitude is expressed at a great cost, it will not only be unbearable in the future, but also may not have a good effect.
In fact, children can't care about such a long-term thing, nor can they fight for a lofty goal. Children really live in the present. It is good that he can do a good job every day and complete specific tasks every day. No matter how high the reward is, it can't be achieved or can't be achieved; On the contrary, even if there is no reward, how to live every day is still how to live.
Material rewards are not as effective as we thought. Learning itself is fun, stressful, parents' attitude, teachers' attitude, classmates' attitude, and their own instinct to grow up, which will push him to learn. The reward is just an affirmation given to him afterwards.
(A) give children enough praise
The so-called game addiction, its formation mechanism is that games stimulate the circuits related to rewards and addiction in people's brains, and game addiction is actually reward addiction. From this point of view, if you can get enough rewards in reality, if you are addicted to rewards in reality, won't children get the same motivation as playing games? In fact, those children who study well will devote themselves to learning tirelessly because they get enough rewards and indulge in rewards.
How to make children get rewards and have fun in learning is a problem in our adult world.
It is not enough for parents to pay attention to this. Parents are only a part of the world in which children live, as well as teachers, classmates and society, which all constitute an evaluation of him. It is not difficult to reward a good child, but it is very difficult to reward a not-so-good child.
It is precisely because of the difficulty that parents have a greater responsibility, because the child is yours and others can't care so much. You can't do it if you don't do it. Who will do it and who can do it?
Read a true story in the newspaper. Cheryl, a 25-year-old girl in Britain, suffers from a rare mental illness-body deformation. She always feels ugly, feels sorry for herself in front of the mirror every day, and dares not go out without makeup ten times in the morning. She hates her appearance so much that she often considers suicide.
But later, this girl actually became the champion of the model contest! How does a person with such a gloomy mentality become sunny?
Psychologists helped Cheryl regain her confidence in a special way. She first took two photos of Cheryl, one with heavy makeup and one without makeup, and then accompanied her to the street and asked each passerby which photo she liked better. As a result, Cheryl, who was hiding aside, was surprised to hear that almost everyone said that she preferred the one without makeup. Cheryl gradually realized the deviation of self-knowledge and overcame her inferiority complex. Encouraged by her friends, she signed up for a model contest to prove her beauty and ability, and she succeeded in one fell swoop.
Obviously, self-knowledge is of great significance to life. People often misunderstand themselves, and psychologists have played a corrective role. The doctor's method is to let girls know themselves in the eyes of others and correct their self-evaluation through other people's evaluation.
China people are not good at praising and thanking people in person, which is very bad. That Thanksgiving, the dog sent me a text message to thank me. Actually, I didn't do anything, but I was very moved by her thanks and wanted to do something for her. Gratitude inspired my inner desire for beauty. On the contrary, if I receive a complaint message, I'm afraid my inner feelings are the opposite.
Learn to praise people. Sincere praise is good for the person who is praised, and he will be rewarded. That model was saved by praise.
When I think of a mother's message in the blog, a child of 10 always thinks that he can't do it. No matter how hard he tries, he can't catch up with the top students at work. He hugged his mother and cried, "I am a loser." Very distressed. What a small child!
In fact, his situation is similar to this model. His grades are good, but in his own mind, he just feels inferior to others. This is the deviation of self-evaluation. If a person feels that no matter how hard he tries, he can't succeed, what's the point of trying again? This is how "weariness of learning" is formed.
Mother can also try the method of psychological doctor and create opportunities for him to hear compliments from others. This other person can be either a teacher (this is the best, because teachers play an important role in children's hearts) or someone else. In short, letting children hear objective and sincere praise and get positive self-evaluation from it will make his heart full of sunshine and strength.
(2) If you are confident, you will be positive.
If you ask an old man or a woman's age, and the other person doesn't answer directly, but lets you guess, then this person's actual age must be older than he looks, and he must look very young. When he tells you his age, you will be surprised! In fact, he is waiting for your sigh in his heart, because he has won countless such sighs in countless similar situations before, and has enjoyed countless satisfaction and joy from them.
He is confident in the result, and only confident people dare to put themselves in the position of being judged. The more guilty people are, the more afraid they are of being guessed, and they will not lead to this topic. "Avoidance" is their most commonly used magic weapon.
Confidence can be positive.
Inferiority will affect a person's attitude in front of the public and his relationship with the group. Children are indifferent to some activities and unwilling to participate, not necessarily because they are not interested, but because they feel inferior, which is a kind of self-protection. They use "I'm not interested" as an excuse, and the subtext may be "I'm not incapable of doing it well, I just don't want to do it".
Some people scoff at everything in order to put themselves in a certain psychological advantage, and the reason why they need to prove their superiority in this way is because they actually lack advantages, so they are deeply worried and afraid of falling into a disadvantage. People who are not confident can hardly be kind and tolerant. People who like to treat others are themselves patients. Some children have a great conflict with the environment, and it is difficult to get along with others. Its root lies in inferiority.
Therefore, the most important thing is to encourage children to have the enthusiasm to participate. Praise is the most important thing for children to have harmonious interpersonal relationships. But verbal encouragement and praise are not enough. If he doesn't think he is really great, it's no use saying "you are great" more. Only when you are really great will you have real confidence. This requires parents to find their children, help them to make progress, let them experience the happiness of success, build their confidence in success, and eventually change from bystanders to participants, from cynics to open-minded and tolerant people.
(3) Children in the corner
Parents want their children to stand in the center of the stage calmly and generously, but such children are a minority after all, and more children are unknown in the corner.
Why are they staying in the corner?
On the one hand, the corner is a safe and quiet place, but the narrow space gives people freedom of mind, and the space of mind is not necessarily proportional to the space of reality. Children in the corner often have richer and more sensitive hearts. When it is quiet, people move inward, which is the process of inner strength gathering. Volcanoes that erupt at any time are not strong. Once the silent person breaks out, the energy is amazing. Such a child is a child who can achieve great things.
On the other hand, they may be really incompetent, afraid to express themselves, afraid of situations beyond their control and afraid of hearing negative voices. He likes corners because he is not confident and he is afraid of the world. But this kind of fear is not a bad thing, and it is often a sign of intelligence, because he can recognize his own situation and avoid external harm. Such a child, as he grows up, his power contrast with the world will also change. When he realizes his own strength, he will have confidence and courage. He may also become the protagonist on the stage.
Inferiority is also a kind of motivation. Inferiority makes people see their own shortcomings, their low status and the room for improvement. If people want to overcome their inferiority complex, they must go to a higher level, which is an impulse to make progress.
Let the child walk out of the corner, not to deny his quietness and sensitivity, but to let him realize his own strength and set his own goals. With confidence and direction, he can cope with it calmly.