Keio Dongye
Especially complaining about the bad hand, it is better to find a way to play every card in your hand.
Hello, you are a psychological counselor and have thousands of hours of consulting practice. Let me answer your question.
Although this may be a bit hard to accept, it is the reality. Being born in a family has a great influence on a person.
In this life, people usually go through two families.
One is a place of birth and growth,
One is the home I built when I grew up.
The first home is called "Home of Origin".
When it comes to the influence of family background on people, the first thing that many people think of is that they have money but no money.
For families, money is important, but what is more important than money is "a good family atmosphere".
Many people think that the material conditions of birth are very important. In fact, many studies have found that,
The most important thing that family of origin brings to children is his early outlook on life and world, as well as his values.
The so-called three views!
However, this mainly depends on the unconscious influence of parents in daily life.
The influence of family background on outlook on life is completely two extremes.
One is a child who grew up in a loving environment. He knows what true love is, and he/she doesn't lack love. Such children know what they want when they grow up and can recognize and express love.
Children who grow up in an environment of abuse, criticism and accusation are seriously lacking in love, don't know what love is, and can't tell true love from false love.
Some netizens on the Internet said:
"My parents have been quarreling for more than 20 years. Every time they quarrel, they break things. My tableware is stainless steel. At that time, I thought, I must not have children in the future, and don't let my children live the same life as me. "
Children who grow up in such an environment will shut out all intimate relationships when they grow up. Even if you meet someone you like, you will silently tell yourself when you think of your family and parents, "Forget it".
The biggest influence of family background on a person's view of love is that only those who have really been loved have the courage to love others and can give them love.
Love is an ability!
Only children who grow up in a loving environment will believe in love.
Such a child will never lose the expectation of love, let alone make do with it;
Even if you are hurt by feelings, it will be easier and faster to come out.
On the contrary, a person is successful in quarreling and domestic violence.
I especially like Keigo Higashino's explanation of family background in his book At Birth:
"Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they can't choose their parents. What kind of cards are sent to you, you can only play as well as possible. "
There is no perfect family background, but in the face of this problem, many people have the psychology of the parties, and their judgments and conclusions are inevitably emotional.
Therefore, it is not easy to examine your family objectively and fairly. But solving problems is always based on understanding them.
The so-called growth, originally is to use their own good, make up for the previous bad, with their own love, make up for those missing love.
Poor parents at the bottom, limited by material poverty and backward ideas, will naturally be a little pale and powerless in love. Those who haggle over every ounce and calculate are probably not unforgivable sins.
After all, all beings suffer, and our parents are just ordinary people who are forced and squeezed by life. They can't avoid the weaknesses and shortcomings in human nature.
Understanding parents' difficulties and forgiving parents' mistakes is a sign of a person's true maturity and the only way to reconcile with the family he came from.
"In fact, it's not that difficult. Just to strengthen yourself and draw a clear line. "
No one can carry a heavy burden for you forever. Getting rid of the shadow of family background, you can only rely on yourself in the end. Including hardware materials and capabilities, software determination and determination.
Correct work attitude, see the social reality clearly, put all your search energy into self-improvement, and win the most basic conditions for leaving the family.
The purpose of leaving family of origin is to regain the initiative in life and live according to your own wishes.
The so-called control of life is self-reliance, self-reliance and self-confidence.
Psychologist Frank cardelle said: "The most unfortunate fact in life is that most of the first major sufferings we encounter come from family, and this kind of suffering can be inherited."
Parents' aggressive education, high-handed policies or marital disharmony have all laid potential risks for our personality development. That kind of thing called "childhood shadow" can't be seen or touched, but it does affect life.
So some people blame all the unhappiness and unhappiness on childhood trauma, and think that all the bad situations and helpless status quo need families and parents to pay the bill.
But psychologists put forward the concept of "being born in a family" in order to find a solution, not just to dig the root of the problem and find the responsible party.
Solving the problem is far more important than investigating the responsibility.
Only those who are unable and unwilling to change the status quo will push all the responsibilities to the past.
Family of origin owes you. You have to learn to get it back yourself.
This is the most fundamental gesture of being responsible for yourself.
No matter what card you get, trying to play it well is equivalent to doing most things right in life.
I hope it helps you!
I come from a traditional family. My father is strong, inarticulate, traditional and serious. My mother is also a traditional mother, influenced by her own family. She is introverted and sulky.
Parents are basically not flushed because of quarrels, which are all forms of the cold war. Our education for children is similar to the way of frustration education, and we will never praise it. No matter right or wrong, it will be denied first.
So for me, the feeling that I am not good enough and unworthy has become a part of my heart. This has also affected my marriage and life.
Later, I slowly studied psychology and video dialogue, and gradually deepened and found some early complexes. I began to face many aspects of myself and gradually accepted a part of myself.
Now I feel more controllable and stable than before. Therefore, if you want to get rid of the imprisonment of the family, you must dare to face yourself and see your true self first.
Born in a family, we can't choose, but we can choose how to spend the rest of our lives!
be deeply rooted
I am the daughter of a rural family who prefers boys to girls. Growing up, I have a pair of parents like Pan Guiyu, a well-fed mother. At the same time, I have a gambler brother who is n times stronger than Fan's brother. Went to college, worked, and came to this city.
According to my father, my mother had three miscarriages before giving birth to her younger brother. When I was pregnant, I was asked to do a B-ultrasound to see if it was a son, and I didn't find out it was a daughter until I was born!
My parents and my brother are a family. They are a family. In a patriarchal family, the daughter is always an outsider.
As the daughter of an original ecological family that prefers boys to girls, I always saved money to buy all kinds of things for my parents and younger brother in those years two years ago. But no matter what I do, I never get a smiling face, an approval or affirmation from my father! My parents always say, "My son is my own root, and my married daughter poured water!" " I never got half the love from my parents for my brother. So I worked hard, followed my parents' instructions and gave my brother whatever he wanted!
Later, I found out that I am not unfilial, I am begging for love!
My brother gambled repeatedly for many years until he gambled again a year ago and lost the last sum of money and all the property in the family. Parents who prefer sons to daughters forced me to take out all my savings by suicide ~ 300,000 from my work in recent years to pay off my brother's gambling debts. Later, my brother gambled again and lost everything, so relatives and friends couldn't find a way to borrow it.
At this time, my patriarchal parents kidnapped me under the banner of brotherhood. My parents came to my house and asked me to sell the only house my in-laws bought, my wedding room, and then pay off my brother's gambling debts.
I didn't agree. My father said such things at that time, which made me feel suffocated in retrospect.
"Early know you don't sell the house to save your brother now, when you are born, your mother and I will sit on your ass! You baiwenhang, let you live to the present and we are worthy of you! "
"Blood is thicker than water" is a kidnapping word for me! My original ecological family is a bottomless pit! All the vampires who kidnapped me in the name of my family live in this cave!
No matter what I do, no matter how obedient I have been, even if I don't want to eat meat once every three months and drain all my blood and sweat for my brother, no matter how much money I have given my brother and my parents before, my father won't recognize me just because I don't agree to sell the wedding room my in-laws bought this time and pay my brother back the gambling debt again!
And all this, just because I am not a son!
Because of the lack of love in small families, I have always thought that parental approval is very important. I used to be obsessed with trying to satisfy my parents. But my parents always think I should do more. The meaning of giving birth to me is to help my brother.
Later, I learned that I was ill and my brain was sick. The only parents who can cure my illness are my brother, so I can only cure myself.
I finally realize the reality now: my parents don't love me! They love their brother indefinitely just because he is a man!
After realizing this fact, I forced myself to leave the original ecological family.
For parents who prefer boys to girls, I only have the obligation as a child, and I will never allow myself to be foolish and filial again! At the same time, I have no obligation to "filial" my brother!
Later, I also understood that not only was I hurt by such a family, but my brother was also a victim of son preference. Without the endless love of parents, my brother would never have come to this shabby situation today!
In the final analysis, these injuries to me and my original ecological family all come from the bad habit of "son preference" that should have been abandoned long ago!
I have come out a lot by studying and consulting psychological books of original ecological families and healing myself!
I really feel sorry for the daughters who grew up in a patriarchal family like me!
At the same time, I want to start from me and let the bad habit of son preference be completely eradicated from me and never continue.
I have a daughter now. I love my daughter very much. I swear to myself: I have experienced and been injured, and I will never let them happen to my daughter! I want to leave a full mark of love in my daughter's life.