This is very necessary, because if children have dissatisfaction in their hearts, but they are forbidden to express it, then they will develop some special expressions.
The most common manifestation is "passive attack", that is, a child does something wrong intentionally or unintentionally, and then makes his parents particularly angry. As a result, parents beat and scolded their children. It seems that the parents are attacking the children, but in fact, the children deliberately angered the parents in their hearts. They make their parents angry, but because they are passive, not active, they are still like good children.
The teacher's children always fail in the big exam.
Zeng Qifeng, a well-known psychologist in China and former president of Wuhan Sino-German Psychological Hospital, recently told reporters: "Doctors' children are often sick, and teachers' children don't study. This is a case that I often encounter in consultation."
Qi Liao, a consultant at Guangzhou Vivian Psychological Hospital, agrees with this view. She gave an example: Xiao Yong is a junior in a middle school in Guangzhou. He studies very hard and always gets excellent results in ordinary small exams, but he always fails in big exams, such as mid-term, final or promotion exams, with few exceptions.
Xiao Yong's parents are both teachers. They tried all kinds of methods, but they just couldn't help Xiao Yong improve his "psychological quality" during the big exam. In desperation, his mother, Mr. Zhang, took her son to see a psychologist.
After the mother and son met Liao Qi, Teacher Zhang first expressed her feelings: "I am an excellent teacher and have a good reputation in the district. I have taught so many excellent students, but I can't teach my own children well. I feel really humiliated. " With these words, she looked at Xiao Yong with "hate iron not to produce" eyes. Xiao Yong's head hung down. He refused to look into his mother's eyes or into the eyes of a psychologist.
After listening to teacher Zhang, let her leave the consulting room and stay for one-on-one psychological consultation. At the moment Mr. Zhang left the clinic, his head was raised a little. Qi Liao saw that the shame on his face soon disappeared and was replaced by a stubborn look.
"I know what his spirit means." Qi Liao said, "I have received many such cases, knowing that such children are ashamed, but there is actually a lot of resentment buried in their hearts."
Parents should let their children make their own decisions.
The combination of these three characteristics will make children feel suffocated. In fact, they have deep dissatisfaction with their parents, but they can't express it in an active way, so they adopt a passive way.
"The value of life lies in choice, but parents often forget this. They don't let their children make choices, and they have to make choices for their children. " Zeng Qifeng said, "But if parents decide everything for their children, it is equivalent to killing their children's lives."
Zeng Qifeng emphasized that this is not a philosophical sermon, but actually the children's personal feelings. A child who often makes decisions for his own life, his vitality is Wang Yang's arrogance. Although he will encounter some setbacks because of his youth, those setbacks, together with his achievements, make him feel that his life is colorful. "More importantly, it's his own."
On the contrary, if children can only do what their parents decide. Then, the more correct these decisions are, the stronger their sense of suffocation may be. On the one hand, children get more and more resources and become more and more capable, but on the other hand, their enthusiasm for life is getting lower and lower. They felt this and wanted to say no to their parents, but they were taught to be obedient, so they couldn't even say no and had to passively humiliate their parents.
In this way, we can achieve our goal, because controlling parents often feel powerless. They often find that their children are really obedient, they work really hard, and the route is correct, but there will be no good results.
"This is because the children are shouting. I hate your strong arrangement, I want to live my own life. " Zeng Qifeng said.
To improve this, the best way is to "let go appropriately", that is, parents set a basic bottom line for their children-live seriously and don't do bad things, then let the children decide their own lives and help them only when it is very necessary.
Moreover, he stressed that parents should not always force their children to communicate with him in the name of "communication", because children want a private space just like adults. If parents are too fond of prying into their children's secrets, then this child will inevitably develop some special ways to defend his space. This is the most basic instinct of life, because "I" must keep a distance from others. Only in this way can "I" know that sticking closely with anyone will prevent us from becoming ourselves.
Zeng Qifeng said that he has two basic psychological principles for all parents:
If children have no secrets, then children will never grow up.
If parents decide everything for their children, they are killing their children.
Child: I failed the exam on purpose to disappoint my parents.
Judging from Xiao Yong's performance, he seems to be fully aware of his parents' painstaking efforts. He gets up early every day to study hard and often makes a wish to his parents, hoping that he will be admitted to the best university and find the best job in the future to repay his parents' love.
But that's the problem. Xiao Yong studies very hard and usually gets good grades in quizzes, but when he comes to the big exam, he can't.
After consulting many times, Xiao Yong finally confided: "I don't know why, every time I failed in the big exam, I always felt a moment of pleasure at first, and then I felt humiliated, failed and disappointed in my mother."
This fleeting pleasure is the real problem. It turned out that Xiao Yong didn't really want to get good grades. At the end of the consultation, Xiao Yong admitted: "I hate that they (parents) are always around me, which makes me very annoyed." But I will soon say to myself, how can you hate mom and dad? They are so kind and selfless to you, but you hate your parents. Do you have a conscience? ! "
He wanted to deny his dissatisfaction with his parents, but he finally expressed his dissatisfaction. The results of the big exam are his way of expressing his dissatisfaction, which means, "Don't you want me to do well in the exam?" You care about this most, which is why I didn't do well in the exam. But don't blame me. I've worked hard. There must be something wrong with the way you taught me. "
This kind of psychology is very subtle. Like most adolescent children, Xiao Yong didn't know that he consciously had this kind of psychology. He just vaguely felt a little pleasure after his poor exam results.
At the end of the consultation, Liao Qi talked to Mr. Zhang several times, and finally made her understand that her son hated their "doting+grades" education method, and suggested that they stop staring at his son's grades and try to let him "die" for a while.
As a result, Xiao Yong did very well in the next big exam, and was among the best in his class, which was equivalent to his usual exam results.
Parents expect their children to "passively attack" in Grade One.
The case of Xiao Yong is a typical "passive attack". He never takes the initiative to express his dissatisfaction with his parents. Then, he consciously listened to his parents. If his parents tell him to study hard, he will study hard; His parents wanted him to know that everything they did was for his own good, so he told them how much he loved them and understood their pain.
However, parents are most concerned about the results. Every time they see the results of the big exam, they tremble, revealing Xiao Yong's secret: his subconscious mind doesn't want to do well in the exam.
In doing so, Xiao Yong hit the soft spot of his parents as teachers, making them angry and even ashamed. This is the purpose of this "good boy" in the depths of the subconscious. In this way, he passively attacked his parents.
There are many such cases. If parents pretend to be moral, then the child may become a "bad boy" who has no control, do some bad things inexplicably, and cry when he is found, but he can't help doing "bad things" when he turns around. Some children addicted to stealing are rich at home, and their parents give them a lot of money. At the same time, their parents are also very moral, but they just can't help stealing some humble belongings from their classmates. And many doctors' children, whose parents are experts in what field, just got that disease.
"These parents often feel that their proudest place has been ridiculed by their children, and they are deeply ashamed of it. This is exactly what the child subconsciously hopes to achieve. " Zeng Qifeng said.
He said that the children in these cases have three similarities with their parents: first, they have a very high desire to control their children, and they are afraid that their children will encounter any setbacks, so they hope to arrange everything for their children as perfectly as possible; Second, they have high expectations for their children; Third, they don't allow children to express their dissatisfaction with their parents. They think that the greatest advantage of children is "obedient".