The interaction of these relationships is hidden behind various superficial things and has become a long song between husband and wife. Although every note in the song is different, after listening for a long time, you will find that some melodies will appear repeatedly in this song, representing a certain fixed mode of getting along with each other and becoming the inherent characteristics of the couple.
A good partner is the result of cooperation between both parties.
You can think about a question first: what kind of partner is a good partner in your eyes?
Maybe the first thing you think of is the perfect match. However, the perfect match is only external, and it is good in the eyes of others, not how the couple feel about themselves.
Maybe you'll think they should both be good people. For example, a wife should be gentle and considerate, and a husband should be responsible and responsible. However, two good people together do not necessarily mean that they are good couples.
Some people say that a good partner, it is best for both sides not to be too tough. However, I also met some partners. The wife looks strong to outsiders, but the husband listens to her. It looks a little weak, but they still get along well.
It is also said that a good partner, both sides had better be reasonable. However, I have also met some partners, both of whom have made particularly reasonable speeches, but they don't get along well together.
So what is a good partner? To answer this question, we must separate from the individual perspective and regard two people who are closely related as a whole unit.
A good partner does not look at what kind of person one side is and what kind of person the other side is, but how they cooperate when they are together.
Some people compare the communication between partners to dancing. There are tango, face-to-face dance, passionate dance and quiet dance. It is impossible to judge whether they are good or not just by the dance they dance. But if they always step on each other's feet or trip each other, it must be a bad dance.
And the dance steps between partners, the way they are used to cooperation, is the relationship model of partners. A good partner is a partner with a good relationship model.
What is a good relationship model? Before giving the answer, let me talk about my experience.
At a party, a wife proudly shared their husband and wife's way of getting along. She said, "We had an agreement before we got married. If there is a quarrel between us, my husband will talk to me first and apologize to me. We have been married for five years. So far, he has done it all. So every quarrel quickly subsided. "
Her husband is there. I asked him jokingly, "Are you willing to do this? Do you feel cheated? " He said, "No, I'm glad to make my wife happy. This is my responsibility as a man. "
At this time, a lady next to her couldn't stand it anymore, stood up and said, "I don't think it's fair at all." Why do women have the privilege to do it in marriage? I think this is an unbalanced relationship and it is difficult to last. "
Fortunately, this lady is not a consultant. She just stared at her wife and thought her request was unreasonable, but she didn't see that this request and apology were the way for the couple to express their love and solve the problem. This is their relationship model.
Of course, showing love in front of everyone may also be the relationship model of this couple, which may be something that this lady doesn't like. But in any case, in the relationship mode they present, the couple is at least a very harmonious couple.
Characteristics of relational model
So what is a good relationship model and what is a bad relationship model?
A good relational model often has two characteristics.
One is positive symmetry. The so-called symmetry means that one party's language and behavior inspire the other party's similar language and behavior. Positive symmetry is to stimulate positive language and behavior with each other.
In a good intimate relationship, there is a lot of recognition for each other. This positive relationship information will always stimulate each other, thus forming a virtuous circle.
For example, when recalling the past, the husband said to his wife, "It's not easy these years. Thank you for supporting me. " And the wife will also say to her husband, "I feel very lucky to have you here." Slowly, couples will have a lot of gratitude for each other.
Another feature is effective complementarity. The so-called complementarity means that one party's language and behavior cause the other party's completely different language and behavior, forming a kind of complementarity.
The wife asked her husband to apologize, and the husband accepted it, which is an effective supplement. When quarreling, the wife sees that her husband's anger is rising, so she doesn't talk until her husband's anger is gone. This is also an effective supplement.
In the process of raising children, it is also an effective supplement that one person plays the red face and the other plays the white face.
Behind the effective complementarity is the tacit understanding and cooperation.
Contrary to a good relationship model, a bad partnership model also has two characteristics.
One is negative symmetry. Under the negative symmetry mode, one party will interpret a lot of negative relationship information from the words and deeds of the other party, and one party's reaction will stimulate the other party to release more negative relationship information.
For example, the wife accused her husband of saying, "You always do this and never consider my feelings!" " "
And the husband will fight back: "What about you? Have you thought about me? " The more two people talk, the more angry they get, forming a vicious circle.
The other is invalid complementarity. If effective complementarity is the tacit cooperation between two people, they are still communicating in essence, while ineffective complementarity will lead to the interruption of communication.
For example, when a wife accuses her husband, she says, "You always do this, and you never consider my feelings!" "The husband was silent.
The wife continued: "You are talking! Don't be like a piece of wood! " The louder the wife speaks, the more silent the husband is. The more silent the husband is, the louder the wife is, which becomes a vicious circle.
From the bad relationship model, you will find many shadows of negative symmetry and invalid complementarity.
A good relationship model will make unhappy things happy, and a bad relationship model will make obviously happy things unhappy.
I met a couple. They often quarrel and it is difficult for them to get along peacefully. After a fierce quarrel, the two agreed not to quarrel and to travel together to repair their relationship. Because I was busy with my husband's work, I asked my wife to arrange all kinds of things for the trip.
Both of them were very happy when they first planned their trip. Arriving at the hotel, the husband sat down and said, "This room is a little noisy." My wife was a little unhappy, but she didn't say anything.
The next day they rented a local car to go out. The husband added, "This car is a bit expensive. Last time a friend of mine came to play, it seemed that 500- days was enough. " The wife was unhappy and said, "Then you can arrange it yourself next time. You don't do anything yourself, and when I'm done, you still make irresponsible remarks. "
Husband quickly said, "I didn't say you, I just said this car." You are too sensitive. Why are you angry again? Didn't you say you weren't angry? "The wife said," you are too picky. What's the point of playing like this? "
The wife accuses her husband of being picky and her husband accuses her of being sensitive, which is a negative and symmetrical relationship model. After falling into this usual relationship mode, the more you talk, the more angry you get. Finally, both of them began to keep a calm face and turned a blind eye to the beautiful scenery outside.
The key to changing the relationship model: cooperation and circulation
Having said that, you can think about the relationship model between you and your partner. Do you have positive symmetry and effective complementarity, or negative symmetry and ineffective complementarity? There may be, but what is the main theme of the relationship?
Maybe you will ask, if you fall into this negative relationship mode, how can you change it?
It is not easy to change personal habits, and it is even more difficult to change the relationship model between two people. Sometimes, when the two sides fall into a bad relationship mode, they often feel like this: "Here we go again." "It's always like this." Because the pattern is always repeated. This is particularly tiring, frustrating and even desperate.
But change is not impossible. Looking at the relationship between two people, two key words are very important, one is "cooperation" and the other is "circulation".
"Cooperation" means that the relationship model is not a matter of one person, but a matter of two people. Maybe you will think: yes, cooperation is a matter for two people. What's the use of my efforts alone if I want to change and the other party doesn't cooperate?
I understand the idea. Many times, people naturally tend to attribute problems to each other and regard themselves as helpless victims. I will think: because the other party did it, I can only do it.
The reason why I have this idea is because I can't see my influence on the other party, so I expect the other party to change. I seldom think about what I can change to improve this relationship model.
Another key word that two people get along with is called "cycle". That is, one person's behavior is stimulated by another. Your behavior is a link in the cycle. This means that your change will often lead to the change of the other party. So, when you fall into a negative relationship mode, you can ask yourself, "What did I do to make him like this?" "What can I do to break this ineffective cycle?"