Several unchangeable factors, I want to stay away from my parents' family and their endless contradictions and disputes; Feeling out of place with the interpersonal environment where I was born, I don't want to live in many dogmas and rules, and I don't want to give up part of myself in order to integrate into the environment; I can't live a trapped life like my old friends. I need to breathe every breath of air freely. The above doomed me to lose them earlier and faster, and become a duckweed with no roots and no landing. In the huge interpersonal grid, I can't find a position because I have no deep-rooted connection with everyone in the old environment. I don't have my own coordinates. This made me lost for many years, feeling confused, self-doubt, self-blame and painful.
I tried to reconnect with my mother many times, but after numerous failures, I fell into learned helplessness. Later I accepted the status quo and realized the gap between us. The failed communication during the Chinese New Year made me give up the idea of being close to her, which was the first time I completely put it down. I want to write a letter to let her see the real me, not the distorted me. If she still wants to stick to her own world, so be it. That's all I can do. I just don't want to live in pain, so I stay away from it. When I am away from her, I am usually safe. I suffer from guilt occasionally, but it is worthwhile to get peace. I can't soothe their hesitation about taking responsibility for themselves.
It is precisely because I have been implanted with the seeds of guilt since I was a child that I have been firmly grasped the soft spot in the parent-child relationship, and I have also been firmly grasped the soft spot in the parent-child relationship. I keep growing up to avoid being a bad daughter and a bad mother. I can feel that my parents feel guilty but never admit or don't want to face it, while my daughter doesn't or rarely feels guilty. This is good for my daughter. I don't want her to bear the same burden as me. However, I will not sacrifice myself excessively. I will let her know that I am also a human being with all kinds of emotions and feelings. Growing up is a mother's responsibility. It is difficult to achieve anything in a planned way, but at least try to exploit her as little as possible.
Later, this rootlessness was alleviated after we bought a house. Before that, my situation was that there was neither a place to return to nor a place to fully accommodate my relationship. I have no choice but to float. So I cherish our house more. When choosing a house at that time, I tried my best to be perfect, trying to find a house more suitable for my imagination, and finally let me find the community where I live now. Everything fits so well. I feel happy and satisfied every time I look at it.
I was pregnant when I was decorating, but I took care of everything myself. Among them, for some persistence, I had some contradictions with my grandfather who came to supervise the work. I defend my future residence like my own life, and even a screw must choose the specifications and quality I recognize. At that time, no one would understand my obsession with the house, only I vaguely knew that it was very important to me. This means that I can take root here from now on, and I can and am willing to take root here. If it doesn't conform to my heart, I won't have a firm will to take root in it in the future. Under my insistence, I finally had a perfect work and experience. Until now, I still can't put down every detail.
Many times before, when I wanted to divorce my husband, I was so sad that I couldn't continue to imagine what would happen after I left this home forever. To my husband, it's just a house. If I get divorced, I can sell it and share the money before buying it. However, for me, that is the soil where I rooted. When I am depressed and lose my strength, I need a place to heal and rest. This is when I need it most, and at ordinary times, I also need a constant place to provide a basic sense of security.
Later, the relationship with my husband gradually deepened, and I began to feel that I could take root in this relationship. I finally changed from a wandering soul to a stable person. Finally, I can save my energy and cultivate the fields I want to explore. Everything takes time and patience.
2, two days on weekends, as a rule, belong to a family of three, not to anyone else, time for husband and children, time for themselves. On Saturday, I had a few fights with my daughter, and then I played to buy ice cream. The little devil forgot all about the confrontation. Children who have not been baptized by secular culture are full of wisdom. They don't live by their brains, they trust their feelings. As long as they feel that relationship is the keynote of security and love, they don't care about tinkering and don't feel hurt. On the contrary, they think it's fun. My daughter often teases me by creating some minor disharmony in the relationship. Sometimes I bully my dad and want to kick him out, and then I get into his arms to play. In a safe relationship, children will clear the quarrel after every disharmony, leaving the trust in the relationship. Adults can't, because adults have a lot of knowledge about relationships, although this knowledge is usually inappropriate. Adults will write down the good and bad in the relationship here for bookkeeping. That doesn't seem to be the case. Usually, the relationship that makes people keep accounts is one that makes people feel insecure and loved. Uh-huh, maybe my closest relationship has not reached the quality of my daughter's relationship with us, so I won't experience that kind of thorough clearing. Imagine, if my husband and I have reached such a state of relationship, and we both feel safe and loving enough, we will probably automatically eliminate those small unpleasantness. Now, we still need to do some work for them who come occasionally.
My husband went to practice Tai Chi on Sunday, prepared breakfast and boiled water in the morning and went out. My daughter woke up naturally and went to the living room to watch TV. I stayed in bed until ten o'clock. Haha, I suddenly found that my daughter has grown up a lot. She used to come in and harass me from time to time when she was lying in bed. Now she can arrange herself and take care of her own needs by herself. Once again, I think it's the right decision not to let my mother come and help with my daughter. I was busy with housework all morning, and my daughter was busy with her own games and had a good time. After strict management of her for a period of time, my husband and I tacitly gave up control of her. I still don't believe that she can destroy herself.
In fact, she is not addicted to watching cartoons. Although she will say "I will watch this all my life" when she sees wonderful cartoons, she will get bored after a long time and then "develop" new game projects. And even if she watches TV, she will have many reasons. The problems she usually thinks about have nothing to do with the comics themselves. For example, she would say, "Mom, is this cartoon real (painted or made) or fake (unpainted)? Why don't people there have lines (for example, Piggy Peggy can see the obvious character box with strokes)? " Hehe, what about watching cartoons? What each child gets from it is different. It is not the child himself, but the relationship between parents and children that determines what each child gets from the "bad habits" that parents think they "rely on".
At noon, I took her to feed the rabbits. She likes it very much. She dug some soil and continued to grow flowers. Then we were all sleepy. Daughter said she was sleepy like a sleepwalker. It looks like fun. When I got home, I lay on the sofa again. She was lying in her little tent, and after a while she got up and asked her why she didn't sleep. She said she was not sleepy, but she was full. I said I wanted to sleep for a while, and she readily agreed. I played alone in the living room for a long time until I woke up. It's good. I feel that she has more and more ability to be alone and can devote herself to what she loves.
My husband came back from practicing Tai Chi, sent a group photo in a circle of friends, and saw my former boss and my husband's friends. Less than three years later, he was really completely depressed. He is at least ten years old. On the contrary, the photo looks like a teenager's husband, but it is more and more real. And a few years ago, he obviously made me feel empty, floating, powerless and scared. When I wrote these adjectives, I saw myself again when I met him. People who cause a sense of self-instability are usually people who suddenly open the door to their own path. Fortunately, due to various restrictions, I didn't escape, so I entered another world and saw another world.
And his friend is a guiding light that I thought of a few years ago when I was extremely confused and confused. I have always known that he is brilliant, knowledgeable and a person who likes reading. At that time, I was naive and thought that love of reading was wisdom. Later, I realized that reading is just a possible way to learn and open up wisdom. Everyone who reads has different things to learn from books. Just as children's hobbies worry their parents, children born with violence will learn violence in games, TV and other media, and different children will learn different things. I thought that working under a knowledgeable person, I could gain the wisdom of life and find a way out for my difficult life. It was not until I saw his various behaviors in his own company and how to treat his employees and friends that I realized that there was no necessary connection between knowledge and wisdom.
Judging from his eyes, expression and body posture in the photo, there is no doubt that he is more confused than three years ago. Trusting intuition may be the most protective trait in the past. I suddenly have a feeling that he is just building a fortress with knowledge. The bigger the fortress, the more trapped he is in his own world, and the more he loses the ability to interact with the outside world, so he looks more and more like a weak body.
There are too many mazes in this world, and people are too easy to go astray without knowing it.
I had a series of dreams yesterday. I don't remember the first time I dreamed of that mountain forest. This time, I went climbing with a group of friends and picked some wild fruits in the depths of the forest. I seem to be behind because of my daughter. When I wrote it down, I understood the metaphor of dreams. ) We picked a lot of fruits, and some of them were picked and put in containers. We went in and robbed some, and now I'm asking myself, obviously someone else picked it, and I feel guilty, but I don't have any now. There are some packaged biscuits under those wild fruits. I'm going to try some. I'm not dreaming at the moment. One of my inner voices is, of course, don't eat other people's cookies. Then we suddenly turned around and saw a house. So we are in front of someone else's house! So we consciously retreat. Walking out from the other side of the mountain, there came the voice of teaching. I saw a familiar person holding a leather picture folder with a lot of drawing paper in it. He taught several children to study in a simple house. I have a question in my heart: "Why did he come to teach in such a remote place?" Maybe this is something he thinks is meaningful. In fact, I really want to teach for a while, especially after seeing a link about teaching. The teacher teaches poor children to read and write poems. I like children's poems. It's good to experience that life for half a year, but it's just family. Such a wish cannot be realized in the short term, so there is no strong right to speak.
From the mountain around the road, I passed a familiar house. I dreamed about it several times. That's my boyfriend's home in college (his home in my dream). They sat around the Ping Zi in front of the house for dinner. I saw his face, not particularly clear. I want to see it clearly, but I have to hurry. In fact, I still owe him a confession, a closing ceremony or a reason. At that time, I was very self-centered and too weak to care for others. I coldly refused his contact. In fact, I don't hate him that much, and I appreciate many of his characteristics, but it's not sex. At that time, these contents were only at the level of feeling, and they were vague. I only knew that I wanted to get rid of him. May have hurt him. So this relationship has become an unfinished business for me. I haven't finished it yet, and I will dream again and again many years later. After all, it is still a relationship that has benefited me a lot.
If we can't get in touch now, let the occasional dream be a souvenir of the relationship we have been to.