My family is extraordinarily happy to outsiders. My parents are alive, and I have settled in Xiamen. My brother is a doctor from Xiamen University, and I have a lively and lovely son, who was brought up by my parents. I have heard countless people say envious words. I should be very happy. If I come from a family of three, I will be very happy, because Dabao is considerate and Bao Xiao is lively and lovely. However, when I returned to the whole family, I never felt happy, but I was full of guilt and self-blame, which was the long-term influence of my parents.
My family is in the tea business. Every May Day holiday, National Day holiday, winter and summer vacation, I have been contributing to my family for more than 20 years. I didn't care when I was a student, because there were holidays and no pressure. After work, I am very entangled, because I have to choose between work and family. No, in the evening, my family began to criticize me for this matter.
Last year, I stayed at home during the holiday of 1 1 day, and then I took a week off because I wanted to make tea at home. I started training in Beijing on the 5th of this year's National Day, and I will go to Zhangzhou for a week after I come back. The industry training I am engaged in is very important, because every training is a growth, and this training is different. The company spent a lot of money to invite industry elites for a week-long training, so the leaders repeatedly stressed that I would attend. I didn't think much about it either. I just thought it was a good opportunity for development and agreed. In fact, before this, my mother asked me to ask for leave to go home to help, but I was too busy to remember. Today, my parents told me that they promised to go to Zhangzhou for training. They said that this is the hope of our family for a year, and we only make autumn tea once a year. I've heard similar words many times, not just this time. In the past three years, every time I feel that my development opportunity has come, when the company wants to focus on cultivating me, there are things at home, and I have to put down my job.
This time I was very sad, because my mother said, "You said it was a rare opportunity to go to Peking University for training, so I let you go. However, the training in Zhangzhou is dispensable, and your company has so much training. " According to her, I have never had the right to choose my own life, and even I have to get her permission to train. Reality seems to be true, and it often is.
Over the years, I have been particularly envious of my brother. Since college, he has always chosen poetry and distance. University, graduate student, doctor, from Qingdao to Xiamen and then to the United States, he is either far from home or very busy, and things at home have not affected his development too much. And I, at every stage, I compromise, because my parents talk to me about family responsibilities, and I can't refute it or resist it.
I remember that during the winter vacation of senior three, I fell in love with Dabao and secretly went to Beijing to play with him. My parents were busy at home during the Spring Festival and didn't come back for several days to help talk about things. I didn't dare to make friends on that trip and I didn't have a good time. I always felt indebted to my family.
My mother remembers every tuition and living expenses I spent in college, and often mentions how much I spent in college in front of acquaintances. In fact, I began to make money by myself from the day I went to college, because I didn't want to spend more money on my parents. Every time I listen to my mother, I feel guilty. I always feel that I owe them too much.
My parents worked hard all the way, so they valued money so much that I didn't know what it was like to travel before I went to college, because the farthest place I had been to was Xiamen and I had something to do, so I was not happy.
Their life is so hard that I think it's a waste of money to do what I want. They want me to help at home when there is business. When there is no business, they lament that money is hard to earn and they can't spend money indiscriminately. I often walk on thin ice in front of them. I bought something they shouldn't have bought, and I was afraid they would blame me. When I am at home, I spend all my time at home, doing housework, taking care of children and helping my family. In short, I seldom get together with my friends, because every time I go out to play at ten o'clock and can't go home, I call her to urge her. I used to say that a girl didn't come back so late. What I'm saying now is that you are a person with children, where can you be the same as before? Even if I eat out, I feel a lot of pressure. After working for three years, I feel miserable.
The first time I went abroad, I went to Singapore to meet my netizens without telling everyone. Because it happened to be my birthday, my family couldn't get through, and I was crazy. Later, my brother contacted me on WeChat, so I called him and asked him to help me hide it from my parents. I went to many places in college with part-time money. Even so, I dare not tell my parents, just keep it from them.
After getting married, having children and buying a house, I am now more cautious in my life. I can't travel without money, even if I want to. I once joked that if I travel at this stage, my parents will poke my spine.
Before I bought a house, my life had been very chic, but now it's different. The monthly mortgage is enough to crush me. I can't say, I can't complain, because the down payment is from my parents. No, my mother bought me a suit for more than 300 yuan these two days. When she came back, she said to her neighbor's aunt, "I bought all my daughter's clothes." Aunt was surprised and said, "She has to pay the mortgage every month now and has no money to buy clothes." After listening, my heart is sour and painful. She is telling the truth. I can't afford clothes. If I train for ten days in 10 and ask for leave to go home and help for a week, 10 will have no salary. Don't say I can't afford clothes. I can't even pay my mortgage.
Now in my life, my children take care of their parents. I feel guilty for them, I owe them money, and I blame myself for Dabao. A man who is so proud and so free must now compromise his life for me. I know he doesn't want to go home. Language barriers, different living habits, different diets, and dependence on others are too sad.
If parents are unhappy, do you dare to be happy? I really want to be happy, but I'm really unhappy now.
I don't want to owe so much that I always feel guilty, uneasy and self-blaming.
Bamboo xiaolan knot, handwritten.
20 18. 10.4 am