After the "Fang Siqi" incident, many women (including me) recalled the sexual harassment they encountered in the process of growing up, and some of them were even recalled, and the deep-buried pain was provoked again. I was surprised by the high proportion of such incidents and the fact that there seems to be a certain pattern. At the same time, I swiped my mobile phone and brushed a story advertised on the Internet. Whether experienced personally or just heard of this case, parents with daughters began to get nervous: how can we teach their daughters not to be the next Fang Siqi?
I spent some time reviewing the concept of physical privacy with my daughter again and how to deal with strange situations. Driven by the sense of crisis, I taught her more ways to protect herself and practiced with her how to deal with inappropriate touches. However, I still feel uneasy: if something really happens, will the child know how to deal with it? I saw some public opinions commenting on the victims: Why not run away? Why not refuse? How can you not understand when you are sixteen? This is worship, this is infringement? I only know that some people in society see things this way.
I was lost in thought.
This society is cruel. Our education, whether at home or at school, has ever taught children to protect their bodies? When did you teach your children to face bullying bravely? When do you teach your children to rebel against authority? When did you teach your children to tell the difference between true and false? We have been educating our children to be obedient, obedient, patient, considerate, pay attention to harmony, study hard and not fall in love, and the children have done it one by one. However, when misfortune happened, we actually questioned why she didn't refuse, why she didn't resist, and why she was too old to understand.
"Killing without teaching is abuse", which may be the reason why "Fang Siqi" went to extinction. She didn't destroy herself, but was destroyed by society.
I couldn't sleep that night. If traditional thinking can lead to such misfortune for children, I am more determined that I must educate children in a completely different way. Rights should be won by ourselves, and everyone should know how to protect themselves. However, in a word, at the moment when things happen, if you lack some psychological qualities, you will not be able to exert your strength at the critical moment.
My daughter is sleeping peacefully beside me. I turned off the news and book reviews and wrote down a few questions and directions on my mobile phone:
How to teach children to refuse? -Encourage children to think independently and respect their feelings.
Many unfortunate beginnings are that children directly obey the requirements of adults without thinking. How to teach children to judge, rather than blindly obey, is the basic skill of teaching "rejection".
Traditional upbringing does not encourage children to have self-will, and what they require is "obedience" rather than rational communication. I remember that when children just learn to express themselves, they often say "no", and when children say "no", they are often suppressed by adults. Adults always have many reasons to ask their children to "do" or "not do" posething, and even ask her to accept uncomfortable situations (such as kissing someone, putting on some clothes, posing for photos, etc.). Over time, children learn to be manipulated, and they are easy to be used.
If we don't want children to obey malicious instructions, then we shouldn't teach them to "obey". What we want to teach is "independent thinking" and "mutual respect". The so-called "respect" is not that parents "obey" their children in turn, but that parents can put down their authority and conduct objective and rational thinking and debate through discussion. When the child can think independently, and parents respect the child's feelings, give her the right to say "no" (for example, she doesn't want to be kissed, hugged, dressed, photographed, etc. ), she will naturally know that others should respect her. If "disrespect" occurs, she will know that the other party is wrong and seek reasonable treatment or avoid danger.
How to teach children to face danger? -teach children to distinguish danger and get used to opposing others.
In all stories, it is often seen that adults with ulterior motives take their children to secret spaces for various reasons. Public transport such as buses, trains, MRT and public toilets are also places where sexual harassment often occurs. However, in the process of growing up, few adults taught us how to prevent or deal with it. They pretend that the danger does not exist, or naively think that it will not happen to their children.
Horribly, the proportion of sexually harassed children is much higher than expected. Instead of pretending that the world is beautiful and abnormal, we should teach our children to know the places and situations where dangers may occur, presuppose various situations, and practice coping methods to her proficiency, so that when things really happen, they will not panic (children are very keen on acting and perform several times until they can cope skillfully). Don't worry about children being afraid to get along with others. This is the wish of a hometown. There are always good people and bad people in the world. Only by knowing how to master danger can we feel at ease in the world.
In addition, "habit is opposed to people" is also a basic skill to protect yourself. Our culture doesn't encourage the pursuit of fairness and justice, but let things go smoothly. When the incident happens, the victims who fight for their rights often get no support and even are ridiculed in the opposite direction. Over time, they formed the habit of forbearance and became an invisible barrier for the perpetrators. For example, if a child's toy is robbed, we often comfort the child that it doesn't matter (even ask the child to put it down), instead of encouraging the child to get the toy back by himself. When we don't encourage children to fight for their rights, children learn patience and tolerance. They grew up in such a state of mind, naturally they dare not oppose others, and they don't like others to stand up and fight for themselves.
Do one thing at a time. We always take "protecting human feelings" as a priority, but ignore "respecting each other"
How to teach girls not to be tempted? -independent, know how to love and be loved.
In many incidents, we can see that men attract young women with money, power, knowledge or sweet words, and use girls' worship psychology or desire for love to get everything they want. This situation is the most dangerous, because the law cannot guarantee this piece.
Worship is dangerous. It's hard to tell whether it's true or not. People tend to simplify the world. Once they agree with someone, they will skip the thinking process and think that what this person says and does should be right. The reason for "worship" is usually because the other person has something he doesn't have or can't reach. When he reached the same height one day, the "worship" was immediately shattered.
How to reduce the occurrence of blind worship, I think "firm confidence" is a very important part. Especially for girls, if culture often implies that she must rely on men to get good living conditions, she will get used to looking for someone to rely on instead of fighting for it herself. Many fairy tales instill the idea that girls must rely on men. The formula of "exquisite princess-prince rescue-happy day" misleads many girls and reduces their imagination of self-ability (I never read princess stories to my daughter, and my daughter is actually not interested).
What we can do is to stop watching such princess stories. Let girls listen to the stories of heroines and successful women, and teach children to do things regardless of gender (I remember when I was a child, my father asked me to learn to change light bulbs, repair toilets, carry heavy objects and ride motorcycles, and never treated me differently because I was a girl). Don't give girls the idea that you have to rely on others to help, let her learn to solve problems by herself and let her beat herself in various activities. When she can be confident in herself, she can penetrate the external veil and look directly at each other's essence and heart.
In fact, the typical princess image has changed from Snow White rescued by the prince to Elsa who killed the prince. Frozen even conveyed the message that "the prince may just use you". Pink bubbles are actually snowstorms. Elsa is not polite to men with ulterior motives.
As for sweet words, everyone wants to be loved and liked, but for children who lack love, the lack of love will make them excessively eager for love, so they can easily believe in love and cannot leave the trap of "love". Parents are children's first lovers. Give your child unconditional love, let her grow up in love, and let her not lack love. We should also make children understand that love and injury cannot coexist. True love won't hurt you while saying that it loves you.
How to teach children to cope with misfortune? -understand that there is no perfection in the world and accept your own good and bad.
In many cases, it can be seen that the victim is suffering from "incomplete", marked, defiled, flawed and no longer perfect. These thoughts trapped the victim.
"He did the wrong thing, not you." This is how we enlighten you. However, we must also admit that "what has happened cannot be erased." It is these indelible points, this permanent "flaw", that make good children and students who pursue perfection never let go of themselves.
Actually, I also have some degree of perfectionism. I often blame myself for not doing well enough, because I am anxious because I can't solve a problem, and sometimes I deny myself all. Along the way, I found that although the pursuit of perfection is the driving force for progress, if it is too extreme, it will eventually trap itself. Once trapped by perfectionism, I no longer expect my children to be perfect. I showed her my own good and bad, and also guided her to see the advantages and disadvantages. She doesn't have to care too much about other people's opinions or prove anything to others. So what? Do not admit defeat? Then go for it! Try hard and still fail? It's great to try your best! Children need the affirmation of their parents. I want them to know that what matters is not what you have achieved, but who you know. Whether you are "good" or "bad", mom will always love you.
Perfection is an illusion, and forcing children to pursue perfection will eventually make them vulnerable. He will cling to "flaws" and be pushed off the cliff by the impossible "perfection", even if he regrets it.
Finally, I thank the screenwriter Fang Siqi. She let us face the danger and cruelty, and also gave us the opportunity to face and deal with it. We should re-examine the way of parenting, help children establish a strong self-protection mechanism, and work together to avoid the next "Fang Siqi".