A while ago, on the Nanjing subway, after a middle-aged man gave up his seat to the old man, he "disliked" a young man around him and accused him of not giving up his seat to the old man. Later, he kicked the young man for crossing his legs and pointing his toes at me.
At this time, a little brother stood up and said, "Giving your seat is a mutual affection, not letting it be your duty." Many people praised this little brother.
In life, many people who stand on the moral high ground will ask others with their "dislike".
"It's easy for stars to make money, so they should do more charity!"
"As a young man, what does it matter to buy a lower berth for the elderly!"
"Your salary is so high, what's wrong with lending me some money!"
Behind these "I don't like it" is a "you should". In their eyes, all people are right only if they conform to their own imagination. Otherwise, they will "get used to it".
In Wu Qishi's best-selling novel A Little Fire, Mrs. Richard is a person who hates others easily.
She lives in the best community, usually comes from the upper class, and the future of her four children is gradually realized according to her ideal blueprint. However, she has a tenant, Mia, who really doesn't like her.
Mia is an artist and always has no place to live. When she is rich, she often indulges in artistic creation. It was during the difficult economic times that she had to go out to do odd jobs to help her family.
In Mrs. Richard's view, Mia is fully capable of making life more comfortable. So, she doesn't understand why Mia lives like this.
On the surface, she advised Mia to cater to the market for her own good. But in fact, she wants Mia to live in the way she imagined. Just as she will arrange the future of her children, she hopes that Mia's future will be as she thinks.
Those who always "dislike" others and kidnap you morally under the banner of "for your own good" always have the illusion that they are the center of the world. It seems that everything in the world should conform to their cognition.
When their values are different from others, they use "I don't like it" to ask others to change. But in fact, they just exposed their own narrowness.
2、
Xiao Anfa said in a circle of friends: "I saw my colleagues rummaging through my drawers and taking my things. But I didn't say anything to save her face, but I really don't like such a selfish person. A small matter can reflect a person's pattern. "
The most interesting thing about this circle of friends is that when someone infringes on your interests, you don't stop him, but "forgive". And this "forgiveness" is not really forgiveness, but saying, "I have a big picture. She is selfish and shameless."
In fact, this is not the first time Xiao An has complained in a circle of friends.
A few months ago, she sent a message to the effect that she is poor now, and she wants to borrow 50 yuan and pay it back when she gets paid.
When I received the news, I thought I had accidentally added a liar and ignored it. After all, we have never talked in private.
A few hours later, she sent a circle of friends and said, "It's true that I borrowed money. I did run into difficulties. The reason why I sent it to people I don't know is to see everyone's reaction. Sure enough, a little thing exposed human nature ... "
The following is her evaluation of various coping styles. In addition to lending her money, she couldn't understand other responses and lamented "the darkness of human nature."
What I don't understand is that it's normal for you to borrow money from a group of people you hardly know, some of whom don't know. Among the hundreds of people who received the news, some borrowed it. I believe you will pay it back. This is what we should be grateful for.
And her "dislike" is actually expressing: "I am like this, why can't you take care of my feelings?"
So here, I don't like it, it's a requirement. When we accuse others of selfishness with "dislike", we are asking others to satisfy me.
Some readers left a message saying that she really didn't like her roommate, because she spoke strongly and completely ignored other people's feelings.
Once in a chat, my roommate gossiped about a star, but she didn't know who that star was.
The roommate replied, "You don't know this?"
She thinks that her roommate looks down on people by talking like this. In her opinion, people should be selfless and think more about others.
That's true, but in this case, it's equivalent to saying, "You should be more selfless so that you can take care of me."
The trait of "selflessness" was originally used to demand oneself. If it becomes asking others, it is equivalent to asking others to satisfy their selfishness with selflessness.
3、
Someone turned to a psychological counselor for help, saying that in interpersonal communication, he always disliked each other's words and deeds. Although he never said it, he hated each other very much.
I also have such a friend around me, who is very demanding of himself and others. When we are together at ordinary times, he can always find each other's problems from table manners to words and deeds.
He doesn't like others to be rude, ill-bred and annoying. Of course he won't show it in front of others, but behind his back, he is always spitting.
Once, he recommended a movie to me. I ran to see it seriously, and the result was not my favorite type, so the evaluation was not high.
Unexpectedly, it was such a trivial matter that he flew into a rage. He said angrily, "You are still a writer. You don't watch such a good movie. Why write? " ? I like you the least. You have no mind, no soul. You just deny something casually. "
In fact, "like" is a very subjective feeling, which has little to do with the quality of the matter itself. In fact, the film won an award later. I just really don't like it.
I don't like it. The reason I don't like it is because in his place, what I deny is not the movie, but him.
When a person's sense of self-worth is low, it is easy to attack another person in a very extreme way in an argument. Because at this time, the world in their minds is binary opposition, that is, "if you are right, it means I am wrong."
This feeling of "I was wrong" will further reduce self-worth. In order to prevent this feeling from appearing, they simply "don't like" others and think that it is someone else's problem.
This phenomenon is called shadow projection by psychologist Jung. In other words, when we don't like others and feel that there are many shortcomings in others, these shortcomings also exist in ourselves.
It is painful to attack ourselves, so we simply attack this part of others to avoid our own problems.
4、
For years, a wife has been complaining about the hostess of the house opposite, saying, "The clothes she hangs outside are always spotted. I really don't understand how she can't even wash clothes. "
One day my wife's friend came to visit, only to find that it was not the wife's clothes that were not cleaned, but the window was dirty.
Communication between people is sometimes like looking in the mirror. The more spots in our hearts, the easier it is to see the imperfections in others.
Mature people can see the points in their hearts through the mode of getting along.
Some of these spots can be erased by hard work, and some can't be erased even by hard work. At this time, facing it squarely and accepting it is equivalent to opening up another sky for yourself. (End)