For example, I didn't expect to be able to talk about life with "dude" people after more than 20 years;
For example, I didn't expect that after more than 20 years, the image of S in my eyes has undergone subversive changes;
For example, when I imagined writing a classmate series, I never thought about writing S, but S became the opening hero.
( 1)
When I started writing S, several students were having morning tea in the terrace restaurant by the lake of Xiangge in the evening.
Evening fragrance pavilion is located in Yinhe Park. In April, dozens of old Sophora japonica flowers are in full bloom, full of flowers and fragrance, and the phoenix tree is swaying outside the window, and the new green is beautiful.
S sat diagonally opposite me, the sunlight was screened by the trees into bright golden silk thread, and large and small spots shook on his face and body.
After more than 20 years, S is still a hipster. Men in their early forties are bloated and greasy, and men who are lucky enough not to get fat are weak. When he moves his arms, shoulders and chest muscles, he starts to roll, which can be seen through the black leather motorcycle jacket. This is because of long-term fitness and playing football. S said that he took the high-speed train from Beijing to Hefei this time and was going to play football with friends in the sports industry. This sounds willful and crazy, and only unreliable people can do it.
A few years ago, my classmates set up a WeChat group. S and I are both in the group. His WeChat nickname and avatar are Wolverine. Wolverine is a superhero in American Marvel comics. Hollywood adapted it into a fantasy sci-fi action blockbuster of the same name and put it on the silver screen, attracting countless people with heroic dreams. I have seen his circle of friends and pay attention to mobile games, football, fitness, movies and music. People who are in their fifth year are still keen on these things, and it still looks unreliable.
More than twenty years ago, in the early 1990s, we were classmates, but we never dated. It is said that S's father is the director of a large enterprise. He is the rich second generation playboy who doesn't want to study. He plays pop music, football, stars, comics and everything new. In that bicycle era, he could already recognize the signs of various brands of cars. At that time, he was a thin and fashionable teenager, often wearing a silver-gray jacket with a neat middle part, which looked very trendy. It is rumored that he soaked the comb in water three times a day to make his little hair shiny. In order to keep his hairstyle, he still stuck the comb when he slept. Many students don't like his unusual behavior, what's more, he is a rich second generation dude. A male classmate once accused the girl who was close to him: "Look who you are dating, and your reputation will be ruined!" " Although I don't participate in the comments, I agree with that boy's point of view. A boy who spends a lot of energy on his head shape is a strong evidence that it is unreliable!
Many years later, the college entrance examination is just around the corner, and the parents in the WeChat group are worried. Although I feel that my classmates have overreacted, I don't want to express any views on it, because my views are a bit in conflict with everyone and will attract resentment. At this time, S, who seldom speaks in the group, suddenly inserted a few words, which roughly means that it is better to study than to be a man. As long as the child has an independent personality, it doesn't matter if the grades are not good; Parents should not preach, just set an example; Adults keep running, and children will follow. After several bubbles, S suddenly dived. Maybe he realized that he didn't agree and had better shut up. This guy didn't even look at me. Sure enough, the atmosphere in the group suddenly turned cold. Maybe everyone despises it in their hearts: only unreliable people will say such unreliable words!
Maybe it's because s and I agree. From that day on, I noticed S, who was classified as "unreliable" by myself, and his "information" was also passed on one after another through my classmates. It turned out that he resigned from public office many years ago and went to Beijing to engage in game development. I secretly praised: "Courage is commendable." If I were you, I might not have the courage to go out of my comfort zone and open up a life path; At the same time, I also feel that the game development profession is very good with S.
After graduation, I have only seen S twice. The last time was at a small classmate party a few years ago. S hardly talks, drinks neither liquor nor beer, or even drinks. He just sat quietly in the chair, holding a cup of boiling water, with a little smile, watching his classmates chatter.
With the previous judgment that "courage is commendable" and "career is very good", the rival travel industry is also full of curiosity. I asked how S came up with the idea of engaging in animation games and how he went to Beijing. That was the first time I talked to S, who talked like toothpaste. If someone squeezes, he says, if someone doesn't squeeze, he won't talk. Originally, I thought S was the kind of person who could adjust the atmosphere of the wine table, not a tube of toothpaste, which made me feel a little strange, but then I thought that although I was a classmate, I was not familiar with him, let alone I hadn't seen him for many years, and it was normal to speak carefully, so I didn't think much.
Maybe it's because of people's nostalgia, maybe it's because the sunshine in late spring is too friendly, maybe it's because the dining atmosphere in the evening pavilion is relaxed and casual, maybe it's because the topic is chosen properly, maybe it's because there is communication with the car to warm up feelings. This time, S started to talk, from game production to children's education, from concept to life experience, from hobbies to study and life. There have also been many cases where two people have something to say at the same time and both politely let the other person say it first.
S's oral expression ability is not strong, and his expression is not rigorous. There are often incomplete sentence elements, omitted words and inverted structures, which is the network style of new and new human beings. But his tone and attitude are particularly sincere, not as clean and refreshing as those greasy old men on the wine table who are keen on adding meat, hinting at symbols and showing off. More importantly, S and my views and opinions always echo each other, which can arouse my voice and make people sit up and take notice.
While chatting happily, s suddenly stopped, hesitated and asked, "can't you stop talking?" Are you tired of listening? " After I showed interest, he went on to say, "I'm afraid to scare you." After all, you are engaged in a traditional profession, and what I do is somewhat eccentric. "
Twenty years ago, I might feel strange, but now the tolerance of society has increased, and it is more tolerant of new things and non-mainstream behaviors and life. For example, the billiards game, which was watched by many people in the past, is now called snooker, which has become an elegant hall, and a household name like "prodigy" Ding Junhui has been born; Dancing in public used to make people look askance, but now the streets are full of square dancers, and people have long been surprised; Online games, once regarded as a scourge, have gradually been accepted and become a part of many people's lives, and even some colleges and universities have opened e-sports majors. My daughter also loves playing games, so she met a group of "friends". In her view, playing games is not only entertainment, but also a way of interpersonal communication. So I don't think his ideas are deviant.
Next, I heard a particularly incredible sentence. S said: "I am a little afraid of socializing and have nothing to say with most people." If others don't ask, I will automatically get stuck, but I don't want to be rude ... It's really painful to have nothing to say. " Thinking of the way he squeezed toothpaste at the class reunion a few years ago, I know he is telling the truth.
He explained that he was a technical house and the circle was simple. His friends are basically passionate about sports and fitness or playing games, and he is relatively comfortable with people in the circle. When he leaves the circle, he is often at a loss. He said that he didn't smoke, drink or play cards, and the traditional social channels were almost abolished. The basic social activities were still good, and he didn't understand the wine culture at all. So he admires the skilled people on the wine table, but he can't do it.
There are indeed some people in this world who are witty enough on some occasions, but introverted on others. I am an example myself: I always say bad things on the wine table, I can't drink well, I can't laugh, I can only listen to others and watch others perform. I occasionally propose a toast, which is also arranged by others. I'm just a puppet.
The S in memory and the S in front of us are superimposed together, which makes people feel dizzy and uncertain. Searching hard for S's memory is nothing more than that he is keen on something avant-garde, and there is really no bad behavior. People always believe more than they know. It turns out that I, like many people, have inexplicable prejudice and malice against people who are different from myself.
Obviously S is more confident and open-minded, but he often interrupts the topic and suddenly says, "Are you tired of listening?" Words like "don't mind my rambling" are particularly sensitive and hesitant, like a snail sticking out its tentacles and carefully probing. If it feels rejected, it will immediately roll back its open spiritual world. This may be the sequela left by the people around me for many years, and I am also one of those who reject him. I can't help feeling sad when I think about it.
Perhaps because of guilt, I told S that I would write about him. S was surprised that he didn't have anything worth writing, he was bored, he didn't like anything, and what he did was not recognized by the public ... but I think I should write about him with my heart even if what S said is true.
(2)
With a capable father, life is at least smooth sailing, even if you can't start all the way.
When other students were worried about work, survival, housing and objects, S entered a unit in his hometown, sat in a stable office, and then got married and had children without any suspense. With a capable old man, S has no economic pressure or ideological pressure, and his life is smooth and enviable.
Going to work, signing in and signing out, playing football in leisure time and watching TV at night may be the life that most people yearn for. However, I don't know when S is blessed, but I always feel unhappy. There is no specific reason for this disappointment, and even he himself can't say how satisfied he is. So the confused S sent himself an ambiguous word "melodramatic".
At that time, he didn't know what kind of person he could be. He wanted to make a film, but he didn't have a chance. He wants to play football, but he has no talent as a star. He likes doodling, but he never has a chance to learn. He likes singing, but he lacks a good sense of music ... He is full of crazy fantasies, but he doesn't have the conditions to realize them. S was still young at that time. Although he has been clamoring to be himself, he doesn't know how to be himself.
People need to be recognized. If you can't integrate into the group, you will be excluded, marginalized or even kicked out of the group. S also tries to adapt himself to the environment, do what he doesn't like but others like, and be the kind of person he doesn't like but others like. However, when a person does something that he is not interested in or disgusted with, it is really stupid. All kinds of senses always frequency hop automatically and occasionally receive a little information, but the brain refuses to process the materials, so S still can't understand the essence of office culture and wine culture.
The result of self-improvement is that you are humble and boring, while others are not only ungrateful, but more and more critical. At first, S fooled himself with the saying that "small place is like this", but the tiger tied to his heart kept growling and repeatedly hit the surrounding fence. Finally, one day, S broke out, and he said to the people around him: Bye! I won't wait! Then, I completely refused to learn all kinds of so-called "cultures" and threw away all the fur I had learned.
Sartre said that others are hell, but sometimes the hell created by others is enough. As long as you have courage, a finger will explode. If you don't have the courage to reach out your finger, you will only be trapped in a paper hell and live in resentment all your life.
However, S's struggle did not seem to change his situation, but made him face more criticism. People like s are more eye-catching Although they also want to gain public recognition, differences in personality, hobbies and ideas hinder them, so it is inevitable that they seek recognition. Once someone labels S, in others' eyes, S's every move is to prove those labels. Even if S is holding a horn and shouting in others' ears that he is wrong, the more S proves to others, the firmer their views and the darker they are, so S has to continue to be out of place with the surrounding. At that time, S only knew that he was incompatible with his surroundings, but he didn't know that it was because he was unable to be the kind of person he liked.
In this way, ten years later, it seems that S should be so calm, restless and seemingly peaceful, but in fact it is wriggling through youth, middle age and old age. However, at the age of 29, a new thing parachuted in front of him. When he first started trying new things, he didn't know that his life would change dramatically.
S is a software called photoshop, which is a graphic image processing software integrating image scanning, editing, image production, advertising creativity and image input and output. S likes drawing since he was a child, and doodles on paper when he has nothing to do. But he is an impetuous person, and it is difficult to sit down and lay a good foundation for painting. The sudden appearance of this image processing software just makes up for his shortcomings, and it is more interesting than traditional painting. The creative desire that has been suppressed for many years has finally been exported, and S is naturally fascinated at once.
Looking at the pictures, slowly turning them into three-dimensional models under your hand, and then turning them into animations, giving them dynamic life, what a sense of accomplishment, which makes S proud and excited. A lively character every day makes people feel that every day is a challenge, and every day has strength, which is really fun. I feel the same way when writing articles, which is why I still go my own way when others think what I do is meaningless. S finally realized that doing what he likes is the only way to be himself. Some truths are not difficult to understand, but we need to pay a lot to realize them.
Compared with the unchangeable life in the system, this endless and never-repeated creation is simply irresistible. Walking in the world for almost 30 years, I finally met what I wanted to do, so S was addicted to it day and night. Based on this, people around him concluded that he had been upgraded on the road of "waste", and S was more and more unbearable for the unchanging life within the system.
At the reunion a few years ago, I asked why S went to Beijing. He told me that when he was studying photoshop software, he met a group of friends who engaged in animation games through the Internet, so he wanted to go to Beijing to engage in animation games, but his family did not agree. After a long ideological struggle, he left a letter and sneaked away. On the one hand, it is an unknown, novel and exploratory life, on the other hand, it is a plain, known and unchangeable life. A hipster like S who likes new things is hard to resist the former.
When we met again a few years later, S added a second reason: a retired man from his former unit went back to work and said with emotion that many people didn't know him. He thought at that time that if he stayed in one place all his life, he would be as old as that person and even have no proud memories. Such a life is a failure!
Not long ago, S revealed the third reason: I want to go to Beijing, because I feel that the concept of a big city is open, and I will have less scruples and live a free and easy life.