According to statistics, 67% of the first married couples will divorce within 40 years after marriage, and half of them will divorce in the first 7 years. Why is it always easier to fall in love than to get along? Because many people will feel that once they are married, there is no need to focus on their feelings, and they will no longer maintain their relationship as attentively as when they are in love. We always read the instructions before using an item, but we won't consider getting married for such an important thing. How is that possible?
The first step in a happy marriage is to accept changes and understand differences.
According to a large number of case studies accumulated by marriage counselors, the most common problem between husband and wife is fear of change. People often complain, "He has changed. He is no longer the man he was when he got married. "
Of course he will change. With the passage of time, will all aspects of yourself remain the same? The reason why marriage is unhappy is often because both husband and wife ignore that people are constantly changing. The most important thing in running a marriage is to accept change.
Ask any couple who have been married for more than 50 years. In these 50 years, they must have experienced several wars, social unrest and economic crisis. Whether it is the external environment or its own changes, it will have a great impact on marriage. Married for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, you and your spouse are growing. You need to anticipate that your partner may do something disappointing in your marriage.
The key to the problem is not "you have changed", but "you have changed and I have changed". What can I do at this time? ""It is an effective way to find out the reasons for each other's changes and give them the necessary tolerance, understanding and support, so that both parties can improve themselves in this marriage life.
However, since two people exist as independent individuals, there are bound to be all kinds of frictions. What should we do at this time? The next step is to realize that there are huge differences between men and women. Otherwise, how do you say "men are from Mars and women are from Venus"?
Because men and women have different thoughts and feelings, different cognitive reactions and different needs for love, it is often the same thing to say that "the public is right and the woman is right". What are the specific differences?
First, men and women have different ways of thinking and communication. Women tend to think rationally, while men tend to think rationally.
For example, when the wife says "I have nothing to wear", it means that she wants to buy new clothes, while when the husband says "I have nothing to wear", it means that he has nothing to wear.
From this simple example, we can see that the reason for poor communication between husband and wife is that you are only willing to look at the problem from your own point of view and are unwilling to reveal your feelings to each other.
Second, men and women deal with problems in different ways. Most men often choose to suppress their feelings and hide when facing problems, while most women choose to ask people around them for help, talk or vent when facing problems.
Therefore, when men hide it, women often feel that "you have to tell me", "you have to share your feelings with me" and "I have to share them for you" ... this is really a thankless thing.
So learn to put yourself in others' shoes. When there is a quarrel in marriage, thinking about these differences will help you solve the problem more smoothly.
How do couples keep understanding of each other in the differences between men and women and the constant changes of external and internal? Share a method with you-draw your love map.
How well you know your spouse is your love map. Couples with detailed love maps can handle conflicts better and have a sweeter relationship.
Write down your "love map": the other person's interests, characteristics, your positive memories, family goals and your dreams ... if you are not clear, just ask the other person directly. Ask him what he is proud of, what tests and challenges he has experienced, what injuries he has suffered, how he is used to protecting himself, what his ideals are, what important goals he has, and what difficulties he has had in his recent work. ...
The content of this "love map" can be infinitely rich. You will find that the more you know about him, the better your intimate relationship will be.
Everyone's marriage can't be smooth sailing, but it is these ups and downs and changes that provide unlimited possibilities for the development of a happy marriage.
The second stage of a happy marriage is an effective expression.
Many people think that the romance in marriage depends on candlelight dinner and a little surprise, but in fact, the romance between husband and wife is stimulated by communication.
Research also shows that signs in communication can predict the future of marriage. If criticism, contempt, defense, cold war and so on often appear in the conversation between husband and wife, it shows that such marriage is more dangerous.
Benign communication between husband and wife will make marriage more stable and passionate than going on vacation.
How to communicate? There are two useful methods.
The first method: activate your praise system.
Praise system refers to some basic feelings that both husband and wife retain, and think that the other party deserves respect, love and admiration. If you have been together for too long, and you have forgotten his initial goodness, you can activate your praise system with the "seven-week praise method".
"Seven-week praise method", specifically, is to write an idea and complete a task every day from Monday to Friday.
Monday: Write an idea-I really love him and finish a task-and list his loveliness.
Tuesday: Write an idea-I can easily tell the good times in our marriage and complete a task-and choose a good time to write it down.
Wednesday: Ideas-I can easily think of romantic and special moments and tasks in our marriage-choose such a moment and then look back.
Thursday: Idea-I am attracted to him, task-Write down what physical characteristics of him attract you.
Friday: Idea-He has qualities that I am proud of, task-Write down a quality that the other person makes you proud of.
And so on, write this every day for seven weeks, from Monday to Friday. If you can, let your husband write it, too After seven weeks, you will find that you feel different.
The purpose of this exercise is to cultivate a habit of ours, awaken good memories of the past, look at each other from a positive perspective, and offset our tendency to pay attention to each other's shortcomings.
The second method: insist on active and effective communication with "decompression talk"
Decompression means decompression of marriage. After coming home from work, spend 10 to 20 minutes talking with your partner about how the day went and what difficulties you encountered. Remember a basic principle: you can talk about anything except marriage. Why? Because talking about marriage itself can't reduce the pressure, but it will make everyone fall into a more tense mood.
What exactly should I do? Divided into three steps:
In the first step, husband and wife take turns to say that they are bosom friends, and at the same time, they should actively listen to each other.
Step 2: Don't give advice. Understanding must precede suggestion. In most cases, you don't need to rush to find a way for each other. Just be a listener. Listen attentively, don't look at your mobile phone, don't be absent-minded and don't interrupt each other.
The third step is to express your understanding properly and look at the problem from the other side's point of view, such as "I know why you feel this way."
This may be a bit abstract. The following is an example of a decompression conversation, which you will understand as soon as you listen.
Let's talk about counterexamples first:
The husband said, "We had a very unpleasant meeting today, and our manager always questioned my ability."
The wife said, "I think you are overreacting. Your manager is not like this. "
You see, this conversation is simply adding fuel to the fire, which will make her husband even more angry. Try this:
The husband said, "We had a very unpleasant meeting today, and our manager always questioned my ability."
The wife said, "I didn't expect him to be such a person." He went too far. I really want to settle accounts with him! " "
Look, at this time, the husband will be amused by his wife's cuteness, and it will be much easier to suppress the mood of the day. Husband and wife should maintain positive and effective communication habits, and "decompression conversation" can be used as regular homework.
We talked about what attitude we should have in marriage and how to communicate with each other. So are there any skills to get along with your so that she can live in by going up one flight of stairs in marriage?
Let's enter the third stage of a happy marriage and look for the meaning of * * *.
Finding a goal and working together is the secret of lasting happiness.
* * * Unity of purpose is the preservative of marriage. A brain science study shows that the higher the happiness index, the more they usually look like "doing something". In other words, happy people are always doing something. They like to set goals and achieve them. So, how should this be applied in marriage?
I know a couple who have been married for many years and entered a period of burnout. At this time, their neighbors want to emigrate and sell their houses to them at a low price. At that time, in order to win this house, they investigated the surrounding housing prices together and went to the bank to ask about the loan. After a busy day, their relationship gradually warmed up. Recalling these, my wife said that those two months were the most meaningful two months since their marriage, and the burnout between them was * * *.
A life with a goal has a direction. Similarly, a targeted marriage can make both husband and wife develop and improve continuously. Finding a goal and working together is the secret of lasting happiness in marriage. When you have been working for the same goal, you will find that you have gradually established a happy family relationship. The more meaning you discover, the deeper, stronger and more valuable the your relationship will be.
Finally, according to the three stages of a happy marriage mentioned above, we can sum up a set of operable methods. If you only invest five hours a week in your marriage, you can maintain the long-term happiness of your marriage. The specific way is to manage the five moments in marriage with heart:
Farewell time-talk about what the other person is going to do today before going out every morning, 2 minutes a day, 5 days a week, 1 *** 10 minute.
Reunion time-talk to your spouse for 20 minutes after work every day, five days a week, 40 minutes a day *** 1 hour.
Compliment moment-try to thank your spouse every day for 5 minutes, 7 days a week, 35 minutes a day.
Intimate moments-cuddles, kisses, hand-holding and other affectionate moments every day, 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week, 35 minutes a day.
Appointment time-spend two hours a week enjoying it.
As long as there is a small investment of 5 hours a week, the marriage will change dramatically.
Marriage is the continuation and sublimation of love, and happy people can often grow up in mutual adaptation!