A few days ago, Yueyue Zhou, a million-dollar parenting master, published an article in Weibo, which caused many netizens to discuss.
It turned out that Yueyue Zhou's family was going to play in Changlong, Zhuhai that weekend. The night before departure, Yueyue Zhou asked the children at the family meeting that they must finish their study tasks the day before departure, otherwise they would stay at home.
The next morning, both the eldest and the third completed the study task, but the second did not. So the second child was left at home.
The second child is six years old. She cried and asked her mother to take her with her, but her mother refused. My mother kindly taught her how to take care of herself, how to boil water, and how to attract fans to keep herself from being hungry.
In addition, Yueyue Zhou refused the kindness of the maid's aunt and neighbors, and insisted that the second child stay at home alone.
That night, the second child called his mother and said that he was afraid at home alone. At this time, Yueyue Zhou offered to complete the double major task and go back to pick her up.
As a result, the old man in Yueyue Zhou took a two-hour bus home (it was already at night 12: 30), and the second man also completed the double-study task at night 10: 30. Yueyue Zhou also suggested that he could go back to Changlong to play with his father as long as he finished his study tasks the next morning.
The second child learned the lesson, finished the task quickly and had a good time with the whole family.
Yueyue Zhou said that the lesson for the second child is to set an example for the second child, and he proudly said that he was grateful for his ruthless.
Most netizens accuse Yueyue Zhou of leaving a six-year-old child at home alone, which has many security risks. Although Yueyue Zhou is being watched, can she go back in time if something goes wrong?
If something happens to the child, she will regret it.
I want to say that for 1 million children, playing with the whole family is regarded as a reward and completing the learning task is regarded as a condition. The children can't play until the conditions she proposed are completed.
Such behavior is really naked "conditional parenting".
Who says that parents' love for their children is selfless? In fact, sometimes, this love has quietly gone bad. However, parents don't realize that this is the saddest thing.
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The opposite of conditional parenting is naturally unconditional parenting.
Alfred Cohen, a famous American parenting expert, pointed out in his book Unconditional Parenting:
Many parents, when their children are very young, can be said to be dedicated to their children, not afraid of hard work and not caring about returns.
But as children grow up day by day, parents begin to attach conditions to their love.
When the child is two years old, as long as he eats well and is not picky about food, he can take you to Naughty Castle.
When the child is older, as long as you are happy to go to kindergarten and don't cry or make trouble, I will buy you toys after school.
The child is in primary school, so as long as you get a double hundred in this exam, I will take you to Disney.
If the child is older, I will buy you a pair of brand-name sports shoes you like as long as you pass the CET-6 piano exam. ...
There are too many such things, countless. It seems that only in this way can parents feel satisfied and at ease by setting restrictions on their children or preventing them from getting what they want easily.
They will comfort themselves. You see, my children are more excellent and obedient.
In last summer's hit drama "Little Joy", Fiona Fang, played by Huang Lei, once said with emotion that children's love for them is pure, but their love for their children has attached many conditions to their parents. Sometimes parents are not as good as children.
This is really speaking for parents.
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Let's take a look at Yueyue Zhou's attitude towards children again: children can't travel and play with their parents until they finish their day's study tasks.
The second daughter didn't finish her study task and was left at home. Although she is only six years old, she can't cook or take care of herself. She is a little girl in the dead of night, lonely, helpless and afraid. Sorry, my mother can't see this. All she knows is that children will be punished if they don't complete her given tasks.
Can children have psychological shadows? Does she prefer studying or hate studying? Did she go to school later because of internal drive or forced behavior? Does she love or fear her mother more?
In the final analysis, conditional parenting has its drawbacks. So, what consequences will it bring?
First, children whose parents have the conditions to raise have a low sense of self-worth;
Because the love children get from their parents is conditional, they will attach conditions when accepting themselves, which leads them to think that they are not worth having or can't get anything easily.
Psychologist Sydney told an example in a speech: Sydney has a friend who is good at doing business, but he is influenced by his parents and thinks that people always have to go through some setbacks to make money. So every time he wants to sign a contract smoothly, he will fidget, as if something went wrong, and then he will make some mistakes, such as forgetting important materials and not seeing important leaders. In a word, he will turn hostilities into friendship, then give full play to his various abilities and pay various costs, and finally turn the tide and sign the contract successfully.
After all, this friend has a low self-awareness and thinks that he can't get what he wants smoothly. This is closely related to his early experience.
Second, such children are more likely to dislike and hate their parents;
It is not difficult to understand that when a child is separated from his own needs by obstacles set by his parents, he can only get what he wants by crossing it. Then his parents will become a mountain in front of him.
It is normal that he has complaints, dissatisfaction and anger about this mountain. Of course, this also affects the parent-child relationship.
The child told his mother that she wanted to buy a new schoolbag. Mom casually said that old schoolbags can also be used. Otherwise, you can buy it at the final exam 100.
The child was angry and said angrily, I don't want to buy it. 100 I don't want it either.
Mother's reaction might as well tell the child directly that the schoolbag can still be used now, so I won't buy it first. And she set a test score of 100 to buy such a condition, which will only make children feel disgusted and disgusted with her.
Third, the conditional parenting model will be passed on to the next generation;
The man who grew up in this mode is dissatisfied with the way his parents treat him, but he has subconsciously accepted this mode.
As an adult, he can't easily get rid of the brand left by his parents and will continue this parenting model. So he lives like his parents, and his children become his replicas.
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Since conditional parenting will bring serious consequences, it is of course necessary to advocate unconditional parenting. However, unconditional parenting is not easy.
Therefore, even if parents give their children unconditional love, what they feel may not be the case.
Of course, this does not mean that we give up because of difficulties. We can get closer to this goal by changing the way we think and act.
Express unconditional love for children, give them more opportunities to make decisions, look at the problem from the child's point of view, respect the child, understand his needs, be less self-righteous and be an "obedient" parent, and you can approach unconditional parenting step by step.
When we really understand this, we can constantly correct ourselves in the process of parenting and go all out on the road of unconditional parenting.