Don't be insincere when praising others, and don't worry that praising others seems to belittle yourself. Don't condense three compliments into one. Pity praise is more likely to expose your petty feelings. Praise can let others know how you feel. Don't think that others will naturally know your gratitude. There is no shortage of gold, no one is perfect, and everyone has strengths and advantages worth learning from each other. Look for the advantages of others and praise them, so you will also find that others will not only become better, but also have a better impression of you. You convey happiness and friendliness to others with praise and gratitude, and others return more friendship to you. In your daily life, don't forget to leave a warm compliment to the world. This little spark will also ignite the flame of friendship, leaving a very distinct trace in your interaction with others. Maybe people around you will cherish your words in their memories and never forget them.
Frankly speaking, everyone is a little conceited about his own advantages, and he really wants to be recognized by others. If you can make good use of people's desires, they can let you master them and act according to your expectations. For example, you say to a child, "You are smart and willing to work hard, and your lessons must be getting better and better." This child will try to be a good child you want. On the contrary, if you say to him, "Idiot, what's the use if you can't do anything well!" The child will get worse and worse as you say, and eventually become a bad boy. This psychological trend is called "symbol effect" or "role image effect".
Everyone is easily influenced by the "sign effect" given to him by others. Good "signs" can trigger all potential, and bad "signs" can also lead a person astray, which is the suggestive function of psychology. This effect also applies to the occasion of first meeting. If you want the other person to be a decisive person, then whether he is such a person or not, you can give him the title of "You are a decisive person". When the other person's self-esteem is satisfied, he has to act according to the "sign" you put on him, that is, he will be bound by this sign.
"If you want a person to have an advantage, you have to let this person shoulder this advantage", which is a famous saying of British Prime Minister Churchill. The most understanding of this psychological structure is the criminal police who try to make the suspect confess, such as:
"You are not a bad man who will kill people. Your neighbors also say that you are filial, but you are so silent. The saddest thing is your mother. Do you want to be a dutiful son or make your mother sad? ……"
These words give the prisoner a signal of "filial piety" and he will take the action of "filial son".
Psychology shows that everyone has a good psychology. People want to be kind, respected and loved. With the help of this noble motivation, setting the scale of image design a little higher will enable others to play a noble role.
There is such a thing: a woman took a child on the train, and all the seats on the train were full, but next to the woman, a young man was sleeping, occupying two seats. The child cried for his seat and pointed to him to give it up. The young man pretended not to hear. At this time, the child's mother said: "This uncle is too tired. He will give it to you after a short sleep. " After a few seconds, the young man stood up and offered his seat politely.
Obviously, this young man is not "noble" or even immoral, but why did he change later? It is because that woman designed a noble role for him: he is a very kind person, but he is unable to do good because of overwork. Good psychology makes the young man unable to refuse to play this role-to be exact, he is willing to play this role.
No matter whether human nature is good or evil, people don't want to be considered evil. Even executioners, war criminals and political hooligans should whitewash themselves with some noble nouns. Is it necessary to add a crime to ordinary people who have made small mistakes, kill them with a stick, and then let them give up in everyone's cold eyes and glare? With more encouragement and trust, supplemented by appropriate guidance, the other party will try to overcome their own weaknesses in return for your praise.
Another example: a boy of 13 years old dropped out of school for half a year, doing nothing, leaving home to look for a job under the guise of "supporting himself" and not coming home for several nights. As a result, I couldn't find a job and I couldn't take care of myself. Instead, he took part in a group fight. Mother looked at the wild, thin and dirty cinnamon, and it hurt even more for a few days. Pain, anger, love, hate and worry about the future made her not know where to start. After a pause, she said, "Mom knows in her heart that when you go out to look for a job, you are giving yourself and your parents a chance, and also lightening the burden on your mother, so that she can see that you are happy as an adult. I'm glad you are so sensible and considerate. But ... "Seeing her son's head bowed in shame, the mother changed the subject again:" Anyway, you already know how to be responsible for yourself. My mother believes that you will not do anything bad for your future in the future. "
Mothers who don't quarrel and beat and scold often make their children run away from home for longer and fight harder outside, because by doing so, you will set a low-key example for him as a "dirty embryo" and "bastard". The image of "good boy" designed by this mother for her son only implies the child's mistake with the inflectional word "but …" and hesitant tone. This method of urging children to think, compare and identify themselves is much better than simple criticism.
Through noble motives, people have a desire to make their behavior consistent with the role effect evaluated by the other party, and he may be kinder and fairer than himself.
Cultivating good possibilities in good soil and cutting off bad possibilities in the bud is the beauty of character design with noble motives, also called "symbolic effect".
Everyone who lives in society hopes that others can affirm their own advantages and strengths, so as to affirm their own value. Therefore, proper praise can make you have a harmonious relationship with others and feel happy, while excessive or disgusting praise will make people look down on you and think you are up to no good. Therefore, praise others must be moderate, how is it appropriate? 1. Correctly understand the power and function of praise.
(1) A moderate compliment can create a warm and friendly communication atmosphere.
(2) Praise can promote each other to form a good code of conduct and moral values, which is conducive to the positive trend of communication between the two sides.
(3) Praise each other moderately, and naturally you can win the same friendly return from each other.
(4) The purpose of praising each other is to respect each other and encourage them to actively cooperate with you.
2. Master the main principles of praise
(1) The principle that good motivation is consistent with objective reality. For example, Samuel Vakeli, the chairman of the Bowing Train factory in the United States, once said, "If you respect him because he has some abilities." In this case, if you praise someone and hope that he will act according to your intentions or principles, you will certainly succeed.
(2) The principle of blending scenes. For example, when a person is upset because of setbacks, you don't know the situation, but praise him when you meet him. As a result, instead of listening to the compliment, others think that you are deliberately satirizing his failure and making your's relationship rigid.
(3) The principle of combining intellectual encouragement with prior praise. You should praise others for what you want them to have.
3. Use compliments flexibly.
Praise skills are embodied in many ways. Therefore, it is necessary to use it flexibly to achieve its effect.
(1) direct praise method. In front of each other, smile and praise each other's behavior, ability, appearance, achievements or possessions in clear and specific language. For example, if your colleague buys a trendy dress, it is better to say "Sister Yu, you look ten years younger in this dress" than "this dress is great". If you can continue to connect later, the effect will be better. "Where did you buy this skirt?" This will allow you to go further with each other and won't be embarrassed because the other party has to answer your questions in a hurry.
(2) Implicit and indirect praise. This can be done by words, eyes, actions, behaviors, etc. To reflect one's feelings of appreciation to the other party, it requires editors to be good at observing emotions (face, posture, manners, intonation, attitude, etc. ) praise, so as to speculate and grasp the "pulse" of his thoughts, and say something just right and acceptable to him. If you ask an elder specifically, it implies that you appreciate his experience, knowledge and elder demeanor. When talking with people, you can listen attentively to each other's conversation and smile and nod from time to time, which is also an implicit way to express your admiration.
(3) Praise in advance. For people with strong self-esteem, certain understanding ability and advanced knowledge and cultivation, you can praise him in advance according to your own expectations and previous impressions. Start your conversation with approval. Cut to the point right away. First, it is easy to grasp each other's psychological excitement; Second, you can mobilize his self-esteem and encourage him to develop in the direction you want; Third, we can guide him to develop in the opposite direction. For example, if you want the other person to finish the task as scheduled, you might as well say, "I am deeply impressed by your time concept and work quality." I believe you will be a complete success this time. "
(4) Intermediary praise method. When the other person is introverted or biased against you, you may wish to use the intermediary praise method. Express praise for his achievements through an intermediary, that is, a third party, to make others sound credible and valuable. At the same time, it can also eliminate the original barriers.
(5) borrowing praise. Sometimes, you lend what you know about other people's appreciation to each other in a friendly way, and pass it on to each other, so that you can express your same appreciation, let the other person feel that you have been caring about him, and agree from the bottom of your heart that you are the person he trusts. It can be seen that the combination of appropriate praise and flexible skill use will often lead to the same result.
There are many ways to praise others, and as far as its effect is concerned, positive praise is far less effective than curve.
No one will be furious with others' praise in person, but everyone will weigh others' praise in person a little. Is he sincere? Or irony? Or a boring joke? Therefore, people often ignore it and laugh it off.
Praise to others, of course, on the one hand, is recognition and affirmation of others' achievements and advantages. On the other hand, it is also to increase communication and contact feelings between each other. But no matter what the purpose is, the effect of face-to-face praise is not as good as curve praise. Therefore, the praise of the curve is conveyed "unintentionally" through indirect channels, so that the object of praise believes that you are sincere expression from the heart, not superficial flattery. Moreover, the curve praise avoids the embarrassment of face-to-face praise and gives the praised person more time to recall and associate, so the impression is deeper and the effect is better.
A friend, when he first entered the factory, probably had too long hair and fancy clothes, which didn't quite fit the image of a good young man. As a result, the master treated him with special respect and let him do all the dirty work alone. After he finished, he still found fault in the eggs, always trying to find fault, which made him very angry. According to him, I really want to cut off the master's head and sit on it as a stool. At this time, he remembered the method of curve praise, and finally repaired the relationship between master and apprentice that was on the verge of rupture.
His master is quick and neat in everything he does, but he goes to the lounge next door to smoke two or three times a day and becomes addicted.
So, the apprentice took this opportunity to start shooting curves. As soon as the master left, he shouted away with several partners.
"Your master is such an asshole!" It's too loud. The master over there must be able to hear it.
"Not flattery, I really admire him. He has extraordinary skills, but he never puts on airs. Although he is a little strict with me, it is also for my own good. It is my pleasure to keep up with him. " Obviously, the host also knows who is talking.
After the master came back, his attitude towards him changed immediately. He thought his apprentice was a good young man with strong self-motivation and understanding ability, and this friend soon became his master's proud disciple.
The curve is really amazing. The premise of the success of the curve method is that the flatterer must be sure that you feel it from the heart unintentionally. Therefore, the "line" should be bent, but you must ensure that your "flattery" can reach the ears of the flattered in time and accurately, otherwise the effect will be greatly reduced. Secondly, since it is a compliment, we must find ways to "lift" the person who is praised a little higher. If it's just a few words of praise, it can't make him "intoxicated". Therefore, praise may be exaggerated reasonably, or even if it is a unanimous praise, put forward your unique "point of view", so that he will be moved by this "elevation" or exaggeration, which is what we usually call "wearing a top hat."
"Wearing a hat" is mostly used in persuasion, giving appropriate praise to some internal advantages of the other party, so that the other party can get some psychological satisfaction, relieve the psychological troubles when frustrated, and make it accept your persuasion with a more pleasant mood.
Magazine editors have a knack for persuading writers. No matter how busy those people are, he can get them to agree to write for him. His eloquence was not first-class, but strangely, none of those writers could refuse his request.
"Of course, I know you are very busy. It is because you are very busy that I have to ask you for help. The works written by those idle writers can't compare with you. "
According to him, this statement is never wrong. Generally speaking, it is difficult for the other party to accept your request when he has good reasons to refuse. If you know in advance that they will use these reasons to reject you, but you hesitate, which will further strengthen his idea of confrontation, then the atmosphere between the two sides will be more tense, so don't talk about persuasion at this time. However, if we can use the method of pre-editing, first give the other party a high hat so that the other party can't refuse. This is a clever persuasion skill to turn the other party's "no" into "yes".
The application of psychological skills like this is most suitable for the promotion of cosmetics. If the clerk wants to persuade the customer to buy some cosmetics, he should be prepared to be rejected by the other party. Some customers may say:
"I already have these things of yours, and I don't need them now." In order to politely refuse you, if you don't handle it well at this time, you may anger the other party. At this time, you can say:
"You're right, skin looks good without makeup!" Hearing this sentence, I believe no woman will be indifferent. Then, you say:
"But, in order to prevent the sun ..." Before he finished, the other person's wallet was half open.
There is a talent dispatch company in Taiwan Province Province, which is a headache. It turned out to be a woman sent by the company. She works in a client company, but she can't get off work on time. According to the regulations, these dispatched female employees are paid on time, and they have fixed commuting time, but the client company always makes these female employees work overtime unconditionally under various excuses.
How can these female employees who get paid on time easily work overtime for free? After investigation, it is found that the responsible supervisor of the company is a very powerful role. He is good at praising beautiful staff and making them use it unconsciously. The supervisor first praised their work performance that day, and then said, "We can't pay too much money because we are over budget. Can you give us some more help? " These female employees are all in high spirits because of compliments, thinking that they can accept their demands as long as the time is not long.
A young director, when remaking the scene, will definitely praise all the staff first: "Well, great, now let's have a slightly exaggerated performance." After what he said, no one protested and naturally accepted the director's instructions. Therefore, praising others with gentle words will make them have an accepting attitude. The young director used this set of offensive tactics to achieve the acting effect.
Sometimes, in order to please people, it is inevitable to exaggerate in words, but only if there is something real will others feel good, which is different from flattery, bragging and flattery, which is indecent and disgusting.
If you are a manager, you know very well that praising subordinates' "respect for needs" sincerely and properly can also improve their willingness to work. But what kind of praise is appropriate? In other words, what kind of praise can lead to the above incentive effect? The research experience of general researchers is as follows for reference:
1. praise for poor incentive effect
(1) Empty and irrelevant compliments. For example, "Lao Zhang, your work performance is excellent!" "This kind of abstract praise is meaningless, so it is not easy for editors to really pay attention to it.
(2) praise without reason. In the last example, the supervisor only praised the excellent work performance of his subordinates, without further explaining why it was commendable. This kind of praise may make subordinates feel that the supervisor is insincere.
(3) praise the wrong person. For example, "You are a gifted speaker". This kind of praise for people themselves is often exaggerated, which easily makes the praised people sick or disgusted.
(4) praise for the expected work performance or work performance may make subordinates mistakenly think that the work level really required by the supervisor is lower than the expected work level.
(5) "Sandwich" praise, that is, "praise-criticism-praise" usually does not produce good incentive effect. In order to make criticism more acceptable, many supervisors often praise their subordinates before criticism, and also to avoid feeling bad about criticism! They praise their subordinates after criticizing them, which may make them feel that the supervisor has ulterior motives.
(6) When subordinates feel that praise is only a means to urge themselves to redouble their efforts, this kind of praise will greatly lose its incentive effect, because in the minds of subordinates, this kind of praise is only a kind of "soft spur" rather than sincere praise.
(7) Praise subordinates only when others (especially immediate superiors) are present, which is easily regarded by subordinates as having ulterior motives.
(8) The greater the gap between the occurrence time of something worthy of praise and the time of praise, the smaller the incentive effect of praise.
(9) Praising the performance of the work without mentioning the efforts made to achieve this performance will reduce the effect of praise.
2. Praise may be a great incentive.
(1) Specific compliments, such as: "Lao Zhang, you handled the customers who came to complain very appropriately this morning." This kind of concrete praise can make the praised person understand, because he feels that his superiors have noticed or heard of his commendable performance.
(2) praise with additional reasons. In the last example, if the supervisor can continue to say, "I think your handling method is extremely appropriate, because you have accepted the complaint very patiently, gently explained the remedial measures and consulted the customer." This kind of words as a reason for praise, then subordinates can appreciate the sincerity of the supervisor.
(3) praise things without praising people. For example, "the topic of your speech today is exactly what the audience is interested in"; Or: "In today's speech, your view on maintaining industrial safety is very correct." This kind of praise for things is more objective, so it is easier to be accepted by editors.
(4) Only praise work performance or achievements. This kind of work performance or performance is obviously better than the expected work performance or performance. So this kind of praise can increase the sense of accomplishment of the praised person.
(5) Praise without criticism is more credible and inspiring.
(6) Praise given purely because it is worthy of praise will be accepted by those who praise it the most, because it is unconditional.
(7) don't deliberately choose occasions, praise when it is worthy of praise. Such praise is more popular. This is the same as "strike while the iron is hot".
(8) Praise the performance of the work, but also mention Chen's painstaking efforts to achieve the performance, which will make the praised person feel that the praised person is a "confidant", that is, "a confidant who died for a confidant."
Of course, among all kinds of praised people, it seems that women are more willing to be praised.
Psychologists find that women's nerves are more fragile than men's, and they pay more attention to intuition. At the same time, women's acceptance and response to language are much more acute than men's. Sweet and greasy language may make men feel uncomfortable, but it is different for women, who have the characteristics of lust for gentle and sweet words. A gentle word can make a woman narcissistic for a long time. Every aftertaste will have a happy experience, and sometimes even laugh out loud. On the other hand, men don't. Men are more loyal to their buddies. Except that there are many differences between men and women, women rarely doubt that the other person's sweet words are insincere, especially when praising how powerful women are, women feel that they really have superior strength.
Young women love to hear her kind words, and so do older women. They also long for their clothes, hair style, beauty, posture and other appearances to be appreciated, but they just need to express themselves in a subtle way. Because as they get older, they are not used to listening to those words too openly.
A woman in her fifties, wearing a cheongsam, wandered around the counter of a jewelry store. The shop assistant is a young man of about 30 years old. He stared at the woman with bright eyes in surprise and said, "The cheongsam you are wearing is absolutely charming. I think you will conquer many men with this string of jewelry. " The woman was so happy that she generously bought and quickly put on this expensive bracelet.
Appreciating women not only caters to women's inner needs, but also reflects whether the speaker is a gentleman. In daily work and life, some young men only care about themselves, and when they encounter some unexpected situations, they always rush ahead with advantages and stay away with disadvantages. They never show politeness to the people around them. But interestingly, when these people meet beautiful girls, they always respectfully study as individuals. The latent consciousness contained in this phenomenon is also an attitude of praising women. Of course, we don't advocate such so-called "grace".
We advocate equality between men and women, but in fact lesbians and gay men do not enjoy equality in many aspects of society. Women have been weaving beautiful life dreams since adolescence. They are not only eager to find a Mr. Right and Prince Charming, but also hope to make a difference in their careers. However, when they really stand with men to meet social choices, they often encounter discrimination, which intensifies the contradiction between their inner ideals and difficulties. They hope several times and fail several times. It can be said that there are not many girls who are making a name for themselves in society. Therefore, for some girls with a little culture, how happy they will be to hear the language praising their abilities as soon as they set foot on the society.
So, don't be stingy with your praise, to subordinates, to women and to people around you.