Many times, language is like an invisible knife, which kills people without blood and hurts each other sharply and cruelly. A casual remark, an indifferent look and a casual action cooled the enthusiasm of the other party.
I remember Qing Dui read an article like this:
Meimei, born after 1985, is a fashion designer. When we first met, she told her story while doing what she was doing: "When I first came to this city, everything was strange. I have a boyfriend who has known 10 for 7 years. He will come to see me once a week. " I nodded and could see that she was looking forward to and enjoying her boyfriend's visit. She went on to say, "My mother doesn't agree with me to be with him because his family is poor, not only because of his poor economic conditions, but also because of his bad reputation. Mom strongly disagreed. We tried to break up several times, but we couldn't separate. "
I told her that the situation of the husband's family will really affect a girl's life, because a woman has entered a new social structure instead of marrying a man. There are also people who are not affected by their own efforts and abilities. The premise is that you have a strong ability.
Mom's disagreement didn't actually bring her any pressure. She said, "I just don't like my mother. I just left home and came to this city. " At this time, I carefully looked at her delicate makeup, and then listened. "I bought a thermal underwear for my mother last week, and she scolded me for spending money indiscriminately." Actually, she didn't. In order to save money, she only bought one set for her mother. She was afraid of the cold and didn't buy it.
Speaking of which, I'm actually a little confused. I feel that she loves her mother and her mother loves her. The mother wants her daughter to jump on her, but by pushing her out; The daughter hugged her mother hopefully, but she was stabbed every time. She went on to say, "You know, I once smashed a wine bottle several times and then cut my hand." At this time, I realized how long the girl had been depressed and how many emotions she had digested before she could tell her story as lightly as today. She seems to have been preparing for a long time because her story is so smooth and natural. I told him a story in response: a girl once said that her mother liked her brother very much, was critical of her and often scolded her. After being scolded, she sat on the roof of her house. In the past, all the houses in the village were single-family houses with flat roofs. Many people design it this way. When the economic conditions are better, you can add another layer on it. This is the building. She sat on the edge of the roof, hanging her feet, thinking that her mother always said "You are so stupid" and "Why don't you die?" Sometimes she really wanted to die for her mother, but she was afraid and her feet shrank back. I did this several times, and then I grew up slowly. Meimei seems to have found * * * Ming in this story. She said, "It really hurts to cut myself with a wine bottle, so I have to stop. However, my mother always scolds me when she is unhappy. I really want to do what she wants. If I really die, is she satisfied? " She went on to say, "Maybe I'm not my mother's own, so she doesn't like me that much."
When I was scolded as a child, perhaps more than one person had such confusion, that is, am I really my mother's own? How can my mother not know me, not like me, and still scold me like this? If the content of scolding is violent and life-and-death, it may lead some scolded people to hurt themselves.
I told Mei Mei that my mother's mood has nothing to do with you; You want to grow up. She said, yes, so I have to leave home this year. I'm looking for a boyfriend, hoping to rely on him. I found that my mother may not love me and will not allow others to love me. She has been blocking my relationship with my boyfriend.
Why does a mother "not love" her daughter?
Is it really not love? No, she can't love and doesn't know how to be loved. This ability is lacking by many people. Our ability to talk about love lags far behind that of children. If you don't have children now, you should consciously realize this in advance. In many cases, children are our teachers.
Finally, talk about the specific analysis. Mei Mei thinks that her mother doesn't love her enough because of some performances of her mother. Mothers like to hold their daughters, but they always carry a knife in their arms. My daughter also wants to hug her mother, but she gets hurt every time she hugs her. Mothers need psychotherapy, but this can only be a vision, because mothers will not realize their problems. If we have to drag this mother to understand her own problems, that's our problem. So, in such an interactive relationship, how can we not be hurt? Quite simply, we need to do this: other people's emotions have nothing to do with me.
An immature person doesn't know how to control his emotions properly. When TA is in a bad mood, what he says may be ugly and his expression will be cold. People who are not strong enough inside seem to have to speak loudly to show that they are strong. They used the most primitive way to relieve their anxiety. In the face of this kind of person, if you don't go out, you will hurt yourself inward. When you have this awareness, you can avoid being hurt by the backstabbing they threw at you when you face arrogant TA in the future. These are other people's business. Language violence is their fault, not ours. Why punish yourself with other people's mistakes?
We can all use this method to deal with our current feelings about the more harmful relationship between husband and wife and the more harmful parent-child relationship. This is an emergency method. Now many training institutions will hold similar workshops to teach you how to communicate nonviolent and show you the forms and dangers of violent communication. All these are good, but the final problem can't be solved, because your progress doesn't mean that everyone around you has made progress. You will always meet people who communicate with you in the original way. You should have this basic understanding to prevent violent communication from hurting yourself.
No one should be hurt by violent communication. The status quo is that many people are still suffering this kind of injury innocently. Obviously, we only need to understand this one: don't take responsibility for other people's mistakes. We should not only remember this sentence by ourselves, but also tell our children that many children's emotional problems are interfered and influenced by the outside world, and then the children feel that they are wrong. For example, you will see a child crying and telling you that my deskmate has hidden my book. At this time, his mood is very sad and nervous. For naive children, the disappearance of books is a big "crisis" event. At this point, the fastest and most effective way to calm his mood is this sentence. You ask him to take the book at your deskmate, and his behavior is right. He will say, no, then tell him, since it's his fault and he did something wrong, why are you crying? We are not responsible for other people's mistakes, it is he who should cry. This method has never failed so far. Once people's emotions calm down, it is often much easier to think about ways to deal with things. Dealing with feelings before dealing with things is not only needed by children, but also by us. If you still have a heart at this time, no matter what kind of person the other person is and how rude he is to you, you can also make a psychological division of responsibility for this matter, and then take your own responsibility and do your own thing well.
It's important to distinguish one's own emotions from those of others. Emotions are contagious. You should feel whether a person sends you positive emotions or negative emotions. Whether we are influenced or hurt by it depends on ourselves.
It's important to distinguish one's own emotions from those of others. I mentioned in the previous chapter that emotions can be contagious. You should feel whether a person sends you positive emotions or negative emotions. Whether we are influenced or hurt by it depends on ourselves.
To sum up, Brother Qing thinks that we can have a good life by talking about it, and what you are talking about is your life. Sometimes language is a sharp knife, and the person you hurt will never forgive you, leave you or hate you. Qing told her former teacher: a broken mouth means a broken life!
Abuse, slander, contempt, ridicule and other discriminatory language are common in families, workplaces and public places. On the surface, verbal violence is more civilized than physical violence, but the harm is "every word is well-intentioned and every sentence is sad." In the family, in addition to parents accusing their children and wives of attacking their husbands, some children will criticize their elderly parents for being "old and confused", which seriously damages family relations. Parents' criticism will damage children's self-esteem and self-confidence, so that children can't feel the love from their families and become inferior and indifferent. Old people are naturally sensitive and afraid of giving their children trouble. These disobedience will make them believe that they are "old and useless", and feel that raising children hard will give up on themselves, resulting in frustration and even depression and suicidal tendencies. Mutual accusations between husband and wife will destroy feelings and even lead to the breakdown of marriage. In the workplace, the boss's scolding of employees will affect work efficiency and undermine team cohesion. In public places, verbal conflicts will make society indifferent and impetuous. In addition, the research of Monash University in Australia shows that language violence can induce palpitation, chest tightness, shortness of breath, asthma and even heart attack.
If you want to get good interpersonal relationships, you must avoid language violence. Think twice when you speak, be reasonable when you encounter something, and remember five "how much": be more understanding to your partner and less forced; For children, more recognition and less denial; Respect parents more and argue less; Listen to superiors and subordinates more and interrupt less; Smile more and be less grumpy to strangers. In addition, in the face of verbal violence, don't "fight violence with violence", but treat each other with courtesy and give each other a smile, and the contradiction will be resolved.
A good word warms three winters, and a bad word hurts June. Keeping your mouth shut is the greatest practice for yourself!