Parents are difficult to get along with when they are old. It is a practical guide to getting along with older parents. This book focuses on the problems that two generations get along with, helps you build a healthier companion mentality when you are physically and mentally exhausted, and provides more pragmatic suggestions for you who are deeply worried.
Grace Loeb and Barbara Kane are clinical social workers with more than 30 years' experience. 1982, they set up "Aging Network Services" in Bethesda, Maryland, USA, which is a national nursing website, aiming to help individual family members care and take care of the elderly in their families and solve various problems caused by the separation of relatives.
They have come into contact with many types of "problem parents", and the first message to convey when writing this book is that so many people have the same situation. As Li Xiaolai often quotes his father in his articles: Believe me, you are not alone. It's a relief to realize this. It turns out that it is not just their parents who are difficult in the world.
The author summarizes six types of parents' behavior patterns: dependence, throwing cold water on them, narcissism, control, self-destruction and fear, which helps readers evaluate whether parents are really difficult to get along with.
25 classic cases are based on parents' problem behaviors and children's coping styles. After reflecting and sorting out their positions and reasons, the author will take you into a situational exercise with a wise language paradigm. The book also arranges intimate guides on "How to accompany parents to face the problem of old age" and "How to accompany yourself to grow old gracefully".
Let's take "dependent" parents as an example to understand how experts guide us to get along with our parents:
If your parents have the following behaviors, you will be seated accordingly:
There is a case in the book, Bibi, expecting my son to be on call. First, a scene is given: Al makes a phone call in fear. At the moment, he is standing by the telephone in the theater hall. Before enjoying the entertainment time, he knew that if he didn't call his mother first, the consequences would be unimaginable. It's customary. As long as he can't get to her, he must call to report. The problem is that he called half an hour later than usual.
Sometimes my mother didn't notice that the phone was late, sometimes she even noticed, but it doesn't matter. It's a pity that a cold and angry voice came tonight: "Where the hell have you been?" I've been looking for you all night! "
Al tried to explain and asked his mother how she was tonight. "I'm fine." Mom's answer was cold and hard, and then she hung up. Al wasn't scared, because he had been through it many times and tried hard not to care about himself, but he still felt hurt.
Next, he kept thinking: "What can I do to avoid this situation?" The painful experience of the past taught him to call early; In order to make his mother happy, he goes to see her two or three times a week.
Al has had a headache for his mother for a long time, and the problem is still very difficult. He was obedient to his mother and tried his best not to make her angry. Although this can't alleviate the complaints, it also brings the situation under reasonable control. It was not until the theater incident that he realized that the situation had to change, and he turned to psychological counselors and other professionals for help. This paper quotes some dialogues in the case, which can be savored carefully. I think this is also the most worthwhile place for adult children to learn.
1. Anger and reason are useless.
Like most people in the same situation, Al will lose his mind with anger and then make a hullabaloo about at Bibi. However, no matter how depressed parents are, anger can't solve the problem, it will only make both sides more sad.
The mother can't see her own problems, only her son is furious; Even if she apologizes under your strong position, she doesn't understand the reason at all, let alone learn from it.
Besides, Al tried to reason with his mother. The day after the theater storm, Al's conversation with his mother described how useless it was.
In fact, Al's reaction after calling his mother from the theater is similar to her attitude towards him? He felt rejected and couldn't help getting angry. He pointed out to his mother what she should do, which is exactly what her mother would do every time she was dissatisfied with him.
2. set your bottom line The author instructed Al that in order not to annoy his mother, he couldn't follow her all the time, and in the long run, he would definitely not be able to stand it. He must first think about the reasonable range of what he can do, and then stick to the principle. This method also applies to you. If your parents always urge you to visit, and you don't think it is necessary or want to do so frequently, then think about the most appropriate frequency.
Parents are likely to be unhappy at first, but you must stick to it, because that is your bottom line. For your own good, you must. Only in this way can you maintain your relationship with your parents.
Al can finally draw a line. The following is the following conversation. Please note that he did not try to reason, nor did he argue or blame the other party.
Pay attention to the mother's dependence and anxiety after her son's words. In the past, these reactions of mom always surprised Al. Now Al has a new strategy. He reduced the number of meetings between mother and son to once a week, took a different attitude in telephone contact and actively responded to every complaint of his mother.
Emphasize what you can do, don't say what he can't do, and don't blame yourself for it Most importantly, he stopped paying attention to each other's disputes and began to feel sorry for his mother.
Of course, this will not happen overnight. You need time to practice to get used to it.
3. Understand that parents' behavior actually hides fear.
The most important thing Al learned from the counselor is that her mother did it because she suffered for life. Those dark sides are transformed into personality and passed on to others through various troublesome behaviors, but she is unaware of it.
On the surface, she should be aware of this, but in fact these behaviors are irrational. Once you have such an understanding of your mother's personality and behavior, you can stop being as resentful and depressed as Al and sympathize with her pain.
You'll know how to handle it better, so that we won't be at loggerheads. If you want to have such an understanding, you can try to recall anything about your parents in their early years and what kind of emotional trauma they may have suffered. A tourist described it this way: "After getting to know my mother, I no longer hate her so much." Another by going up one flight of stairs: "Because of this, I love my mother more."
After reading this book, the biggest feeling is that parents and children in China and the United States get along very differently:
First, China's parents are more dedicated and less demanding. When children are older, parents don't interfere much with their children's lives, especially in rural areas. Because children have little cultural literacy, they rarely participate in their children's lives. I have made my own decisions on volunteering, employment and choosing a spouse since I was a student. Even my marriage was arranged by my unit, not by my parents. China's parents will only disturb their children at the last moment of their lives unless they can't take care of themselves. They will try their best to do what they can, and they will try their best to help their children, such as enduring the separation of husband and wife and leaving home for thousands of miles to help their children.
Second, even if China's parents finally have to live with their children, their children pay more attention to their material and physical needs, and seldom pay attention to their parents' spiritual needs. I have met many old people in the countryside and have given birth to many sons. Parents will take turns to support the elderly in each son's home. It is good to be healthy and eat well. Children are filial. Children who are busy with work and life will not take care of their parents' minor emotional changes and spiritual needs. Including myself, when my old mother lives in my house, I will accompany her for a walk downstairs in my spare time. My old mother's main entertainment is watching TV.
Third, the social pension industry in China needs to be further refined and improved. Books on parent-child relationship and providing for the aged can be found everywhere. You can ask for help from psychological counseling agencies, social workers and rescue teams. There are many full-time and part-time nursing practitioners, and you can even find a high school student to help you with your email. The development essentials of the pension industry are in front of us, and the division of labor is meticulous. At present, home-based care is still the main way, mainly for the elderly to take care of themselves, and even take turns to help children take care of small families. With the emergence of an aging population, the pension industry also needs and will be further optimized.
Therefore, after reading this book, we can learn more about the causes of parents' current behaviors from their past experiences, understand their parents, empathize with them, treat their behaviors with empathy, and adjust their coping styles.
For example, my mother is generally an easygoing type. She is the eldest daughter of the family. She didn't finish reading at her grandmother's house when she was a child, so she helped her grandmother farm and took on the heavy responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Before giving birth to her brother and me, she worked in the fields. I remember that in winter, my mother sat under a kerosene lamp and sewed a lot of new shoes for grandparents and uncles. She often complains that my father is too worried and compares him with my uncle. So when I was an adult, my mother instilled in me that I should help this and that. She often says, "Who can help you?" Knowing my mother's mind, when I am at a loss, I am also adjusting my way. I can't just make my parents happy, but I'm wronged. I have to have my own life.
You can empathize with his or her feelings, but you are noncommittal about his or her position. Because we have read this book, we should also remind ourselves to follow in the footsteps of our parents, become problem parents and let ourselves grow old gracefully and happily.
If parents are difficult to get along with when they are old, this book fills a gap in the nursing literature of the elderly. There are many excellent books on nursing, but few books on parents' troublesome behavior.
Children have to face the problem of how to get along with their elderly parents, and they will eventually grow old. How to stay with parents and get along happily can refer to the essence of Application Book.
I am the light of day: a person who loves life, hiking and recording, and is willing to share what he has seen, heard, thought and felt with you.