First, can betrayal be the same?
A consultant said: I accidentally saw my husband's mobile phone some time ago, saw his chat records with other women, and had sex with each other. I had a big fight with him and told him that I wanted a divorce. He firmly disagreed, saying that he was just playing with each other. He couldn't lose this home, and he repeatedly promised that it would never happen again.
I gave him another chance for the sake of the child. I can see that he wants to make up for it, go home early and do more housework. I also want to let go of the past and live with him, but I can't seem to trust him as before. I got suspicious and always checked his cell phone. Every time he goes on a business trip, I get suspicious and call him every night. As long as he shows a little impatience, I can't help turning things out again.
I once trusted him and cherished our home, but he broke all my trust. I really can't forget it. I want to ask, is it possible to repair a situation like ours?
Second, start healing.
Many people think that the biggest storm will pass when the derailed party breaks up with the third party. But in fact, the extramarital affair is over and the healing has just begun. How to face the vicious circle after derailment is the most critical factor to determine whether a couple can successfully repair it. For example, if you go on holiday, you will think that your husband and a third party have done the same thing. When you go to a restaurant for dinner, you will think that your husband and a third party have come together, and so on.
Because of these feelings and thoughts, some people can't help asking about the details of the relationship between their partner and the object of an affair. Some people will ask their partners to cooperate with their irregular job inspections. Some people will track their partner's position and control their partner's spending. If their partner is a little impatient, they will quarrel with ta, or express their feelings of injury and dissatisfaction by crying and silence. At first, cheating partners usually try their best to cooperate, try their best to comfort and respond. But if you feel that you are being asked again and again, Ta may start to feel frustrated.
Third, will it fall into a vicious circle?
An unfaithful husband once said: I think it is useless for me to do anything, as long as I am still breathing, it is my fault. I've never felt so bad. The cheating partner will also become emotional or silent in the process. When ta tries a lot and it doesn't work, she will want to give up, and then she will get bored. For the betrayed partner, these responses are another kind of injury, and they feel that the other party doesn't care about their feelings at all and can't comfort themselves.
So the two entered a vicious circle. As a result, the injured people feel that they have never been comforted, and the wrong people feel that they can never be comforted and compensated. The two can't help but wonder if there is still the possibility of repair. Now, let's go back and think about why the one who was betrayed and hurt the most. Not only can you not get your partner's comfort in the repair, but you also push him further and further? This is because the betrayed partner is expressing his needs in an aggressive way.
Fourth, strengthen their internal needs.
For example, after the husband cheated, the wife especially needs to experience the feeling of being loved, valued, not rejected or abandoned. If these attachment needs are not met, the wife's point C will become gentle-questioning, interrogation, surveillance and other behaviors are defensive reactions caused by the gentleness of point C.
The wife did this because she was in pain. She hopes to get her husband's apology and comfort in this way. But she sent two messages at the same time-one was to express her pain, and the other was to attack her partner. When a partner feels attacked, he can't help but protect himself. When he needs to devote part of his energy to protect himself, it is even more difficult to fully respond emotionally and take care of his wife's mood.
This is the vicious circle between them-the more the wife is afraid of being hurt, the more she insists on blaming her husband. And the harder it is for her husband to comfort her, the more she will be hurt. So, how to jump out of the vicious circle and seek comfort from your partner effectively, so as to better repair the relationship? First of all, you need to improve your awareness of your inner needs. When your point C is touched, angry or wronged again, it is particularly easy for people to blame their partners.
Verb (abbreviation of verb) is the emotional expression of the betrayer.
This process happens so fast that when accusations and complaints happen, you may not realize that you are actually expressing your needs for each other in this way. Therefore, I am here to give you a corresponding table of behavior and internal needs. When the following behaviors occur, remind you to be clear about what you really want when you criticize and complain. Let's look at the betrayed party first.
When you ask your partner about the details of getting along with the derailed object, your inner need is: I hope to find out the situation, make myself feel more in control, and hope that I won't be hurt again in the future. So you are actually adjusting your loss of control and fear in this way. When you ask to monitor the location of your partner's activities, you are also expressing: I need more control, and I am afraid of being cheated. I hope that by observing ta's cooperation, I can confirm Ta's determination to save and help me make a decision.
When you criticize personality problem, your inner need is: I hope you know that your actions have hurt me and made me miserable. I can't believe you would do such a thing. I need to feel that there is something wrong with your character before I can give myself an explanation. This is also your way to adjust the feeling of injury.
Sixth, the emotional needs of traitors.
When you are angry and accuse your partner for touching the scene, your inner need is: I hope you know that my wound has been touched again. I feel terrible and miserable. I hope you can come near me, comfort me, care about me and let me know that you have me in your heart.
This is the moment when you need to heal. When you are silent and don't talk to ta, what you are expressing is: I am afraid of having emotional contact with you again or I don't know what to do. I'm hurt. I want to go back to my own safe world. At this time, if the other person understands your injury and can give comfort and assurance, you will still have more hope in your heart.
Then, let's look at it from the side of derailment. When you say "I was wrong, I was wrong, how many times do you want me to say it?" What you need in your heart is: I know I did something wrong and hurt you, but I also want you to understand my depression and injury at the moment. I regret the pain of knowing that I can't be understood and forgiven no matter how hard I try.
Learn to express your pain and needs flexibly.
This thing is completely out of control. I want to keep a part of myself. I need to make sure what you want is what I can give you. There is also your fear behind this. When you say "it's not just my fault that things have turned out this way", you are expressing: I'm afraid that if I admit it's my fault, I will be criticized by you more and more, but you won't make any change.
Here is your expectation that two people can change and adjust together. When you realize the needs behind your actions, you will have a better understanding of yourself and each other. At this time, you can move on to the next step: express your pain and needs in a gentle way. I am very sad and need your comfort. It will make me feel better to see your efforts.
If you can gradually tell me directly that my wound hurts again, then my other half will be easier to get close to you and comfort you, because without criticism, he sees an injured lover who needs care, and he doesn't need to spend energy on self-defense at the same time. For the cheating partner, it is very important to understand and tolerate the partner's hurt reaction. For example, when your partner accuses you of cheating, you can say: I understand your injury, and I'm sorry that it turned out this way. I'm sorry
Eight. conclusion
If the other person keeps asking you the details of the past and makes you feel embarrassed, you can also say: it's useless for us to do so. I know you're in pain, and I'm in pain. Should we talk about your hurt feelings together instead of these past things? Then see how I can make you feel better. If you are always suspicious and then depressed, you can say: I know you need time to trust me again, but I will be depressed. Can you see that I've been trying? I really need you to give me some recognition.
When we begin to express our feelings in a soft way, we will become more concerned about each other. If husband and wife can learn to share their hearts, ask for comfort and care from each other when they are vulnerable and helpless, and learn to comfort and respond to each other's needs, their relationship will be hurt and will leave scars, but they will be more sure of each other's feelings and have stronger ability to cope with the challenges of future life.