What are the chances of two people getting back together after breaking up? This question seems to be an answer to the question, but it is actually saying:' Look at what others say, if the probability is high, you will have confidence to get back together, and if the probability is low, you will forget'. Are you like this? If so, you may not get real help.
Just like when you go to a comedy and your friends go to a tragedy, it looks like watching a movie. You ask him, "How did you feel at the movies?" Can it be the same as your own?
Because of its uniqueness, love has always been an eternal theme of praise. Each of us can find the value of' I am unique' in our feelings. I am your world, and she is his world. None of us can pull ourselves out of the emotional world, see the feelings of others, and try to find an identical case for reference.
In my many years of experience in handling cases, I have met couples with good feelings, who are separated because the boys are cowardly and accept family arrangements; After seeing boys cheating, girls choose to forgive and eventually get married; There are also two people who generally don't care enough about their feelings, but they finally entered the marriage hall.
Either way, in fact, I can understand, because the true self is lucky, unfortunate, smooth and bumpy, and decades of past experience has been stewed in a big pot, creating this complicated you. In front of friends and colleagues, we may wear similar politeness masks, but in intimate relationships, everything about you is presented to him without reservation. The more two people know about fuzzy boundaries, the more problems and conflicts there will be.
Next, I will analyze the factors that affect feelings after breaking up. Who decided whether to get back together or not? What do you need to do to maximize the probability of reorganization?
If you usually drink enough chicken soup and want to explore and decide how the broken love will develop in the future, then congratulations on your lucky brushing my words. After reading it patiently, you will have a new understanding of feelings.
Compound recovery is an activity that you and your predecessor participate in together, so it is essentially an' antagonistic problem', but this confrontation needs to be seen, whether you face the problem, he faces you or you face the problem together. This is the most critical point, which we will discuss at the end.
1. What are the factors that affect feelings after breaking up? Let's first look at the factors that affect compound interest. I summed up two categories: relationship factors and personal factors.
Relationship factors include contradictions and interactive emotions (dependence, understanding, concern, trust, etc. ).)
Contradictions are the main reasons for your breakup, specifically, practical problems, communication problems and derailment problems. The relationship between two people is not close enough, too far away, or too close to breathe.
According to a large number of cases, I rank the difficulty of solving these problems as follows: derailment, reality, relationship and communication.
What do you mean?
In a relationship, problems between two people are easier to solve, sometimes even a meal and a cup of milk tea. But once it involves the intervention of a third party, the problem is much more complicated, and it can't be solved by emotion alone.
Love can impress him, but it can't impress a school girl, a family, a house or a ticket. At this time, if you want to compound, you need more compound costs and even lose the existing benefits.
Interactive emotion is the interaction that originally exists in feelings, such as dependence, understanding, care and trust. How much interaction is there now, and what are the emotions when two people recall in their hearts? Is it resistance, warmth or no fluctuation?
Many young couples who broke up should have had an experience. They broke up with emotion, and because the atmosphere between two people is always tense, no one wants to ease it first. Obviously, at the beginning,' I still love him and he still loves me. How can it be so divided? "
In the end, I was pushed farther and farther by an invisible force, and then I was confused and didn't understand how I got here. The reason behind this is that the interaction mode between you is vicious and the comfort created by the interactive experience is not enough. You will all think,' I am the one who has been wronged', so there are so many stubbornness and embarrassment.
For example, it is also dependent, and the benign thing is:' Can you help me with this? It's good to have you around. Vicious:' help me with this, and be careful not to screw it up for me'.
After breaking up, which is easier to open your heart and ease your relationship, dependence or interaction? You must have some experience.
personal element
Personal factors also have two aspects, one is emotion, and the other is cognition and value system.
Emotion comes from the passion and companionship in the interaction between two people. However, whether your interactive experience is comfortable or not does not affect the depth of emotion. Love deeply is love, and hate deeply is love. This is just a happy and painful process. However, as long as the feelings are still there, it is impossible to completely let go of that person.
teimg . com/origin/PGC-image/52848042868 f 468d 9732903726 abdf 94 . png？ from = PC " style = " height:auto； "> Finally, when a person makes decisions and choices, the most important cognitive and value system. Cognition determines how you look at this problem, and the value system determines how you choose.
Cognition is based on past experience, and the value system is based on the value judgment of things formed by the influence of early experience, that is, what is important to me and what can be abandoned.
As I said above, cheating ranks first among all emotional problems, but I also met a girl who can forgive cheating, and even finally she married a boy who cheated. Then it seems that I can't understand it. For us, whether it is the information we see on the Internet or the criticism from family and friends around us, it is conveying an idea that cheating is the bottom line and absolutely unforgivable. We have long believed this cognition.
Later, I had an in-depth chat with that girl. Sure enough, she was born in a very traditional family, and her mother was the lowest person in the family. Her father is an extreme male chauvinist. When she was young, she often bowed her head and listened to her father's random reprimand, as if she were reprimanding her. One of her mother's most common words is "marry a chicken with a chicken, and marry a dog with a dog. Your father is right."
So she also inherited this set of value system and cognition when she grew up. In her subconscious, she is afraid of being scolded and needs to obey each other unconditionally in exchange for affirmation. Although the boy she married cheated on him, he was very kind to himself and would take care of whatever he wanted to eat or not. In her eyes, the pain of cheating is not comparable to the pain of being oppressed and belittled, which is tolerable.
Maybe you will ask, didn't she think that cheating would bring more harm in the future? She can think of it, but she will still make this choice. Why? Because this is human nature, and it is the same for us.
You have feelings but no money. Don't you ever think that you will be sad in the future? You have thought about it, but you are eager for feelings. You have trust and loyalty, but you don't care about each other. Never thought there would be a lot of indifference and disappointment after being together? You thought about it, but you were betrayed, so you couldn't see anything else, just thinking about not repeating the same mistake.
Second, how to maximize the compound probability? Today I'm going to tell you how to get back together. The core is to let you know that his final choice depends on his cognitive and value system, and what you need to do is to reverse his cognitive and value system by changing other factors and maximize the probability of your getting back together. That is to turn the current situation that you want to fight with him and he wants to fight with you into two people to solve the problem together.
Change cognition
Looking at the same question, there are two cognitive differences:
You think this question is nothing, but he thinks it is very important.
What you see is that he or two people have problems in the problem, and he only sees your problem in it.
When we talk about redemption, we definitely don't just recognize the differences. Remember that our goal is to turn the tables and make two people united.
When we try to change a person, we can never just see his problems. First, accept his point of view, change yourself, and let him have the power to abandon his cognition and agree with you. This process must be subtle, not straightforward, otherwise it will only arouse his rebellious psychology.
For example, you think it's not important for two people to quarrel over housework, but he values it. He usually does a lot of housework, but you don't move. You say disapprovingly, "Oh, what a drag! Too much trouble. " If we don't poke the mop in your face, we can all praise him for his gentleness.
What you need to do at this time is to understand and accept: "honey, I'm sorry, I don't know what is good and what is bad." What you care about is our same home. I'm doing nothing, but I'm still sneering there. I'm really sorry. Can I do more in the future? " Then convey your thoughts to him, "so let's not raise this issue to emotional issues, ok?" You see, I'll change it when I get it. Let's solve this problem together. "
Distinguish yourself from the problem so that he can stand with you. If you want to pile the problem on his head, blame him for not understanding you, and blame him for making a mountain out of a molehill, which will only make you confront your predecessor abruptly.
Change the value system
Changing the value system is the most difficult thing to change.
First of all, you need to realize one thing. Why did he break up with you? The root cause is that you have something he can't accept after getting to know you. This thing transcends the feelings between you and the interaction between you. So what you need to do is to increase your value, reduce the compound risk and reduce the compound cost.
Reduce the compound cost
Since we want to find someone to get back together, we can't ask him to pay anything. He will leave only if he loses too much, so avoid asking "Give me another chance when you come back" and "As long as you listen to me, it will be solved".
Remember, people who take the initiative to reorganize must also take the initiative to bear the cost of reorganization and increase the risk before solving the pain, but anyone who can think will put an end to this possibility.
Increase value and reduce compound risk
Only when there is hope can there be development. How can we convince him that you won't make the same mistake again? Believe me, doing is more useful than saying.
If you break up because of the relationship or communication problems between two people, then you don't have to tell him how we should change. A person with stable emotions will make people feel reliable. What you need to do is to get along with him directly with a new model and a peaceful mind. He can feel your change without telling him.
In the past, when he said he liked something, you would only be angry with him. Now you will not only listen patiently, but also give him something when he didn't expect it. This experience is more enjoyable than saying "I will change" a thousand times.
Because of practical problems, such as family obstacles and material aspects, if you still have nothing to say to "make up" with him, it is undoubtedly telling him: "You need to continue to bear the pressure of family and material aspects and work with me to reduce the quality of life." This is obviously a white wolf with empty gloves, looking for someone to take risks. So the best way is to improve yourself, change jobs and earn money, or at least let him see that you are changing.
After satisfying what he cares about, I still need to talk to him: "Look, I have the ability to satisfy you, but I have always been persistent, thinking that I don't care about feelings if I want material things. I later realized that if we want to go further, we must have this foundation, but feelings and materials are not antagonistic, right? "
This is a process of value neutralization. In the end, it is the best state for two people to be able to understand and accept without staring at a point.
No one can give an accurate figure according to your situation. Psychology is a soft science, not as hard as physical chemistry, and there are not so many standards.
As long as two people can unify their cognitive and value systems and finally face the problem together, then the problem is no longer a problem. At this time, I can answer you that the probability of your success in getting back together has reached the maximum.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? When we are together, we know each other's details. Do we really never see each other again after separation? Is it possible for you to get back together after we meet again? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
1. Do you still have your predecessor's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
2. What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
3. Among the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
4. When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
You say a word, and everyone around you feels comfortable. 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
5. What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
6. Have you ever saved your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
7. When dealing with each other, you are more inclined.
Ideologically compatible, considerate and sensitive to each other's needs. Six points.
The experience of love, doing what you like together, as long as you are happy, is 1.
On the practical level, there must be a clear future plan 3 points.
8. Do you usually doubt or trust your ex?
I never doubted his loyalty to feelings.
I am often afraid that TA will be taken away by others and that TA will fall in love with others. TA said I was always worried about TA 1.
Because there is often the opposite sex around TA, I occasionally suspect that I am checking the post and glance at the address book for 2 points.
9. Do you usually make up automatically after quarreling?
We both have a bad temper. It's good to be angry.
I'll just wait for TA to take the initiative to admit 4 points.
I can't stand fighting all the time. I will take the initiative to sum up two points.
Cold violence for a long time, ignoring each other 1 point.
10. Are you the leader in getting along?
I have been very passive, waiting for the other party to pay for me, hoping that he will lead me to 5 points.
I am a well-deserved leader, I have to worry about everything, and I have a certain desire to control 1.
1 1 What does it matter? TA and parents?
Single parent, lack of maternal love or fatherly love 4 points
I have a normal relationship with my parents, and I don't often miss 2 points.
Get along well with parents, harmony and friendship 6 points.
The relationship is extremely poor and the inner trauma is great. 5 points
I have a good relationship with one of my parents, but the other is not very close. 3 points
12. Do you think TA is an avoidant attachment personality?
Yes, TA is 1.
No, TA rejects reorganization, but does not avoid contradictions. Five points.
I'm not sure. TA likes to avoid questions, but it is really 6 points.
13. Which of the following movies would you choose to watch?
Comedy category 5 points
2 points for terror category
Tragedy class 1 min
14. Do you often eat and drink without thinking after falling in love, and your heart is broken, which seriously affects your normal life?
Yes, it's too difficult. 5 points
Not at all. Losing love didn't hit me that hard.
Can endure will not cause too much impact on normal life 2 points.
15. How long have you broken up?
6 minutes a month
Three months and five minutes.
For more than three months, 3 points will be deducted within one year.
More than one year 1 min
16. Do you have a lot in common, such as the same circle of friends?
Yes, we are classmates/colleagues, and we have close friends. Six points.
Yes, but I won't contact you. 3 points for liking your friends.
No, we are completely from different circles, and it is difficult to have an intersection of 0 points after breaking up.
17. Did you have any intense irreconcilable conflicts when you broke up?
We had a fierce argument, so far there is no reconciliation 1 point.
We broke up peacefully. 3 points
18. Have you ever had a third party?
Never. We have an internal emotional problem. Six points.
I've had it before. Forgive TA for cheating by 5 points.
We got 1 point for cheating on TA.
I was caught cheating. 4 points
19. Have you ever planned to get married?
No, we're just dating.
I have plans to get married, and I have never seen my parents.
I have met my parents and have been interacting with them. I plan to get married at 6: 00.
20. When will you give up completely?
TA likes someone else, so I won't bother him again. 2 points
I won't give up. 6 points
I've done everything I want to say and do, and TA is still indifferent, so I'll give up 1 minute.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.