This is the first sentence that a freshman named Susie asked me when she consulted me.
Susie has been with her boyfriend for more than three months. Susu loves her boyfriend very much, and she is also the person she actively pursued at the beginning.
She always takes the initiative to pick up her boyfriend from work, prepare breakfast for him, buy him gifts from time to time, and remember his birthday. Perhaps because of her thoughtfulness, her boyfriend was moved by her and promised to be with her.
But after a long time, although the other party agreed to have sex with her, it was always light for her. I can't say why, but there is always a faint sense of alienation.
In order to buy him his favorite breakfast, she drove for half an hour to queue up to buy it for him and deliver it to him, but he just ate it and threw it on the table. In order to date him and go camping, she began to prepare two or three weeks in advance, but the other party stood her up temporarily because she had an appointment with a friend.
She really doesn't know why, after doing so much, she still can't make the other person love herself more. Did she do something wrong?
Questions like this, many couples or ambiguous people in contact, will actually appear: obviously you have worked hard, why can't the other person love you more? Obviously, you have paid a lot of efforts, but why is he getting colder and colder to you and losing interest in you?
In fact, this is not because you haven't done enough. On the contrary, it is precisely because you have done too much and done too well that this will lead to such a result.
So how do you make the other person love you more and feel special through your behavior?
I believe that the most common way for everyone is to care about each other at all times, make some giving behaviors, or cater to each other without me, so that he can feel your love. Maybe you think that the more you do this, the more the other person will feel it, but is it true?
There is a famous social psychological effect-"Babel's Law", which says that when a person experiences a strong stimulus, the stimulus given afterwards becomes insignificant to him. That is, the first stimulus can alleviate the second small stimulus.
It's like a newspaper with a dollar turned into ten dollars, which you will definitely find unacceptable; However, when the original computer cost of 1 10,000 yuan increases by 100 yuan, you won't have any big reaction.
The same is true of what we pay in our feelings. When you pay too much at the beginning and the other person gets too much stimulation at the beginning, then this feeling will become dull and there will be no surprise at the beginning.
For example, you can understand this rule more intuitively: for example, if a person holds a weight of 300 grams in his right hand and a weight of 305 grams in his left hand, you won't feel much difference until the weight of the weight in his left hand increases to 306 grams; If the right hand holds 600 grams, the weight of the left hand must reach 6 12 grams to feel heavy. In other words, the heavier the original weight, the greater the amount that must be added in the future to feel the difference.
In fact, the same is true in feelings, and there is such an experiment in the law of Babel.
Two months before Valentine's Day, psychologists asked a man in a pair of lovers to send a bunch of red roses to his beloved girl every weekend. And let the man in another pair of lovers only send a bunch of red roses to his beloved girl on Valentine's Day.
Finally, because the frequency and timing of two people sending flowers are different, the results are also very different:
Girls who receive red roses every weekend are very calm. Although there is no big dissatisfaction, she still can't help but say, "I have shown my girlfriend a lot of' blue witches', which is much more beautiful than this ordinary red rose. I really envy them! "
The girl who has never received a red rose, holding the red rose from her boyfriend, shows the extreme sweetness of being cared for, and then kisses her boyfriend ecstatically, no one is watching.
Automatic; "> Is the process of this experiment somewhat similar to Su Su's experience?
When we want to get each other's good feelings and more likes, we will intuitively want to achieve this goal by paying.
We feel that when we pay ourselves, we get a little feedback from the other party. If we pay more next time, the other party will be more moved, but we don't know that this situation is just an illusion. In fact, the other party will only become more and more insensitive.
And we can easily become what we call "tool people", spare tires, or be dealt good cards by the other side.
Because in most people's cognition, rarity will feel precious, whether it is goods or feelings, it will also feel moved because of special.
In the emotional world, it is not that the more you pay, the more affection and love the other person will give you, but that you should take the time to observe the other person's feedback and make different strategies.
When you want to care about each other and pay for each other, stick to the principle of moderation, so as to maximize your behavioral charm.
In addition to emotional sacrifice, we should clarify Babel's law, and we also need to understand this law in "physical sacrifice".
Some women may encounter the situation that men are eager to have sex soon after they get together.
In order to achieve their own goals, the other party quickly makes some intimate moves with women, such as kissing, hugging and touching. So as to eventually guide girls, or even semi-force girls to have sex.
Even at this time, a woman's heart wants to be determined before the relationship occurs, and she will unconsciously deviate from her original intention.
In this way, when the man's goal is achieved and the biggest stimulus occurs, then the woman will hold hands and kiss with the boy, and these other intimate feelings will not be so strong.
A situation like this, if it happens before the relationship between men and women is established, will easily lead to the cooling of the relationship between two people, thus developing into a short-term relationship.
Therefore, when you want to develop your relationship with the opposite sex into a lover relationship, rather than a short-term relationship, you must learn to develop your relationship step by step without being led by the other side.
In a relationship, it is very important to control the timeline step by step. Too fast or too slow is not conducive to the development of the relationship. Step by step, stage guidance, so that the feelings between you gradually warm up, getting better and better.
Want to better manage a close relationship, not how much effort you put in, but whether you use the right method.