In the process of raising children, have you ever had such an experience: "Why are children so difficult to manage now?"
A neighbor's grandmother complained, "I used to be very busy at work and had to take care of two children." I didn't feel so hard. " It's all right now. I work full-time at my niece's house, so I will go to her house to pick up the child. Why do you feel so hard? "
Is it getting harder and harder to take care of children? Or is there something wrong with our parenting style?
"Positive discipline" thinks that the problem is not children. That is, after the social environment has changed, our way of discipline has not kept up with the needs of children.
The author thinks that in the middle of the 20th century, social development and change is the direct cause of children's behavior changes.
There are fewer and fewer examples of obedience.
With the development of society, many women play an important role in the workplace and family. At home, mothers don't need to obey their fathers as in the past; In society, employees are more and more selective, and they no longer need to obey leaders.
It can be said that today's children are in an era of paying attention to equality and even advocating individuality and independence. There are few examples of "obedience" and "obedience" for children to refer to.
② There are fewer opportunities to cultivate children's sense of responsibility and self-motivation.
In the past, every family had many children and their living conditions were relatively difficult. Parents often make a living all day, and they are impeccable in providing thoughtful services for their children. It is this environment that naturally cultivates children's sense of responsibility and self-motivation.
I remember when I was a child, I saw my mother doing farm work very hard every day. Only my sister, who is eight or nine years old, often helps her mother share the housework quietly when she goes out to work. Such as cooking, washing clothes, etc. Reduce the burden on mothers.
Now that the living conditions are good, it seems that children can't see the picture of their parents rushing for a living. On the contrary, parents are better equipped to provide various services for their children, and even overprotect them in order to avoid making them suffer. Neglecting to cultivate children's ability to do it themselves. At the same time, it also deprives children of the opportunity to contribute to the family in a responsible way and gain a sense of value and belonging.
If children don't get "very capable" exercise opportunities, they will have the belief that "I'm not good enough", so they will put their intelligence on rebellious or evasive behavior.
In the face of changes in the social environment, what kind of discipline should we use to treat children in order to be beneficial to their healthy growth?
First, positive discipline.
Positive discipline is based on mutual respect and cooperation, and is based on the principles of kindness and firmness. On the basis of children's self-control, cultivate children's various life abilities.
Positive discipline, focus on solving the problem itself, and work with children to make rules that are beneficial to both sides. Very different from punishment and connivance.
Second, the purpose of positive discipline.
The purpose of positive discipline is to let children learn to solve problems through the correct guidance and demonstration of parents. And by solving problems, stimulate children's internal motivation, let children learn self-control and achieve self-discipline
In the process of solving problems, it is the main purpose of parents to guide and help children to cultivate the seven abilities possessed by capable people.
Only when children have these abilities can they feel self-worth. When children lack these abilities, their behavior will have problems.
If parents can regard their child's bad behavior as a great opportunity to cultivate him, the purpose of discipline will be achieved.
(1) Perception of personal abilities.
Do your own thing and think I can do it.
② Perception of one's own value in important relationships.
At home, seek more help from children. Let the children feel that their efforts are valuable, and everyone really needs me.
③ Perception of power or influence in one's own life.
I can influence what happens to me.
(4) Self-examination ability is very strong.
Guide children to understand their emotions. Let children have the ability to understand personal emotions and use this understanding to achieve self-discipline and self-control.
⑤ Strong interpersonal communication skills.
Let children learn to deal with others. Parents can give appropriate guidance according to the specific situation.
Suppose several children aged five or six play with toys together. When one of the children wants to get his toy back, parents can encourage the child to communicate with his friends himself. If adults stand up for their children at this time, they will deprive them of the opportunity to develop their interpersonal skills.
⑥ Strong overall grasping ability.
Be able to treat all kinds of restrictions in life with a correct attitude and be responsible for your actions.
⑦ Strong judgment.
According to the actual situation, make choices with correct values.
Three, the four effective standards of positive discipline
1, kind and firm
On the premise of respecting and encouraging children, I believe that children can bear setbacks and cultivate their confidence in their abilities.
Be kind and keep your mood stable. Firmly adhere to principles and correct practices.
2. Help children feel a sense of belonging and value.
Make children feel useful and needed.
3. Long-term effectiveness
Punishment is often a "reactive" reaction of parents without thinking. It seems to be immediate, but the effect is short-lived. Children will do anything to get back at you with bad behavior.
Positive discipline is based on cultivating children's ability to solve problems, and the effect is more lasting by using children's growth.
4. Cultivate children's good character. Teach children valuable social skills+life skills.
Be good at solving problems, respect others, have a sense of responsibility, be eager to learn, and love labor. ...
Fourth, understand the real purpose behind children's behavior.
People's behavior depends on their social environment.
The child's behavior has a lot to do with the way his parents and people around him treat him.
Children's bad behavior is to seek a sense of belonging and self-worth.
Drake said: "children have strong perception ability, but poor explanation ability."
Many times, children have bad behavior. First of all, they misunderstand the practices of others (including the words and deeds of parents, teachers or peers). Secondly, according to their own interpretation, they will use specific behaviors (often wrong) to gain a sense of belonging and self-worth.
Therefore, if parents can understand the purpose behind their children's behavior, it will be easier to understand their children and help them grow up from their behavior.
Adler's positive mental study of several concepts can help us better understand children.
1, self-esteem
Self-esteem is for yourself. Parents should teach their children to learn self-evaluation. Don't rely on other people's opinions or praise for yourself. Let children make more meaningful contributions at home and at school.
2. Sense of social responsibility
Let yourself learn to rely on yourself. Do your own thing. When children have the ability to help others, they will feel that they are particularly capable.
3. Equality
The child is an independent person. His requirements for "dignity" and "respect" are the same as those of adults.
Making mistakes is a good opportunity to learn.
It is inevitable that children will make mistakes. Parents should not use this topic to humiliate or scold their children. With children, taking mistakes as a great opportunity for learning is more conducive to children's growth.
Make sure your child knows that you love him.
Children will interpret the information conveyed by adults' words and deeds in their own way. Please make sure that your child knows that you love him before you act.
summary
No matter how parents discipline their children, it is natural. However, only correct discipline can help to cultivate children's physical and mental health and be useful to society. The younger the child, the greater the effect of the correct reformatory.
Because children will subtly portray the way parents treat themselves and the established rules in their minds, thus forming natural behavior habits.