I watched the movie City in the Sky that day. The girl inside is the princess of the sky city. There are many robots in the powerful city in the air. They are very strong, tough, but loyal.
Once a girl was in danger, so she read the spell given by her mother-in-law and woke up a robot caught by the bad guys. Robots identify the girl as their own master through the jewels on her body, and try to protect her, but because she can't speak, she can only protect her with actions.
The girl doesn't know that robots are good for her, so she is afraid of robots and desperately wants to escape from them. It is because girls keep running away that bad guys have more opportunities to attack robots. And no matter how bad people attack robots, robots always protect girls.
Finally, to protect the girl, the robot died. At that moment, the girl knew that the robot was very kind to her and protected her everywhere. But it's too late.
Do you see it? Robots can't talk, but express their intention to protect girls with actions. However, the girl did not receive it, but thought that the robot would hurt her. The misunderstanding caused by this is not a little.
The so-called understanding is to be able to think about the real intention of the other party from a relatively neutral angle, instead of speculating or "thinking" that the other party is expressing "that meaning" from his own angle and coordinate system.
However, in fact, most people's behavior in reality is just in line with the little girl's practice in the movie. As Ma Dong said: Being misunderstood is the fate of the speaker.
Whether expressed by words or actions, everyone is reading and understanding things according to his own coordinate system. Everyone is his own subject, and others are the objects of his own world. In the gap, there is room for "misunderstanding".
2
I bought a wireless mouse before, but I don't know why I can't connect with my computer, so I applied for a refund. However, whether I call the seller or leave a message to the seller, the seller just doesn't agree to take the initiative to return the goods, and I have no choice but to wait until the system automatically agrees.
The day before the system automatically confirmed, I received a phone call from the seller. He asked me to revise the return application, saying that it was not good for their store to write like this. He also mentioned that as long as I modify the return application, he will immediately agree to the return application.
As soon as I heard this, I was anxious and said unhappily, "I have been waiting for your consent for several days, and I have already sent a message and called." Can't you reply? "
Now you come to me to make a deal because you want me to modify my application? Then I might as well wait for the system to agree automatically tomorrow, and I can still return the goods. "
As soon as the merchant heard that I was angry, he said more politely than before, "I'm not talking about the terms with you, but I can't modify the return application if I agree, so it's our fault that I called you today and didn't reply or agree a few days ago." Seeing that the store has a good attitude, I agreed to modify the application.
After hanging up the phone, I thought about such a thing: in fact, I have subjective feelings about this matter. At that time, because of the store's previous indifference, there was an unpleasant mood;
Therefore, when the store just said "modify the application and return it immediately", I made a judgment: "The store is talking with me about the conditions", so I became angry and took the opportunity to vent my negative emotions that I had been holding for a few days. You see, how terrible is preconceived?
In fact, this kind of thing is not uncommon in life. Sometimes people are not unreasonable, but at the time of the incident:
He doesn't just look at the topic in front of him, nor does he look at what is in front of him; Instead, I mixed my expectation of the event with my past experience of similar events, causing unnecessary conflicts and avoidable misunderstandings.
three
I don't know if you have seen this photo. The hostess in the photo shouted to the man:
Woman: "I won't eat tomorrow, go and beat your manager!" " "
Man: "Why did you hit my manager?"
Woman: "You really don't love me and don't ask me why I don't eat?"
Man:?
Many people regard this picture as a difference in thinking between men and women. In fact, there is another point in this picture, that is, understanding and communication.
For the hostess, what she cares about is whether she has a meal, not hitting the owner's boss;
For the man, he cares about the boss, because the first thing that affects the boss is his career; So the first sentence that entered his brain receiving system was "Why was the boss beaten for no reason?" This message is not for the hostess.
So you see, in fact, when people screen information, they are also divided according to relevance and importance; The information left after screening is the formation of their understanding.
However, some of them are misunderstandings in the process of screening information, which leads to some contradictions.
four
So, how to avoid this misunderstanding as much as possible in "understanding and communication"?
First, be a sincere listener.
When others express themselves, don't jump to conclusions, and don't jump to the right seat with your own ideas. This can easily lead to misunderstanding, and it is also easy to fail to understand the real intention of the other party, resulting in ineffective communication.
In fact, many psychological counselors have a more precious ability than this, that is "* * *". The greatness of * * lies in that he can consider problems from the other side's point of view as far as possible without subjective judgment, so as to achieve good understanding and listening.
Of course, for us ordinary people, it is enough to remain neutral and listen without any prejudice. If you can be a psychological counselor, it may make the other person feel that you know him, which is more conducive to in-depth communication and emotional interaction between you.
Secondly, be a good expresser.
There is no denying that many people can't express themselves well in reality. I obviously want my children to study, and when I say it, it becomes "if you don't study, you will be as illiterate as your father";
Obviously, I want my children to wear more clothes for mutual consideration. As soon as I said it, it became "don't listen to me, put on more clothes." Don't blame me for not reminding you when it's cold! " "
And when you can't express yourself well, let alone whether the other party can accept the information you want to convey well. Therefore, in order to achieve good understanding and communication, it is very important to express your intentions clearly.
Finally, in understanding and communication, sufficient trust is the key.
No matter who you communicate with, you are neutral, unbiased, preconceived, and generalized. Everyone needs to exercise in reality, and trust can be owned by himself without any effort.
When you trust your listeners and expressors enough, when you can understand and listen well, the flow of emotions will be easy to realize, and it will be more difficult to misunderstand and avoid contradictions and conflicts in the relationship.
* This article is the original version of Cai Cai's NLP Coach, please indicate the source.
* This article only represents the author's personal views and does not replace the platform view.
* All the pictures in this article are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.