Yue Xiaodong
Psychological counseling is to help people constantly know themselves and improve themselves. And what kind of position should psychological counselors take for inquirers' self-thinking and exploration? What efforts do you make? This is a challenge that every counselor faces. In the following case, I tried to ask a homosexual about his so-called "sexual orientation". In this process, I not only learned a lot about a strange world, but also overcame my fear of ignorance.
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Am I gay?
Tim is a freshman at Harvard University.
He is tall and burly, with a beard and a cowboy look in a western. He came to me to ask about his "sexual orientation", that is, whether he should be gay or straight all his life.
"Have you ever been gay?" Tom asked me when he came up.
"No," I replied, "but let me try to ask you. If you feel bad, you can always ask for a replacement. "
In this way, I began to consult Tom.
Unexpectedly, this consultation is the most difficult and rewarding case I have encountered since I did psychological counseling at Harvard University.
Men are also very tasty together.
Tom told me that he was not born gay, that is to say, he had no physical interest and demand for the same sex. But two years ago, he began to dabble in homosexuality. He just wanted to be a secret homosexual. Recently, however, his "girlfriend" Mike suddenly proposed to make their relationship public, otherwise they would sever contact with him.
Tom was deeply embarrassed by this. Although there is such a fixed "girlfriend", I still associate with girls. Now, if he wants to openly have homosexual relations, he will lose those girls. So Tom felt hesitant and said that he never felt that he had to be gay.
Tom grew up in a military family and was an only child.
His parents are now stationed somewhere in Europe. Growing up, my father always hoped that Tom could go to West Point Military Academy like himself and become a professional soldier in the future. In order to arrange for Tim to go to West Point Military Academy, my father asked two federal congressmen in his hometown to write a letter of recommendation for Tom. But Tom doesn't like military life and his father's parenting style, so he firmly opposes it.
Because of his persistence and his mother's secret support, Tom finally didn't obey his father's will. Tom emphasized that in his memory, he rarely resisted his father's orders, which was a rare exception.
I smell the gunpowder between their father and son.
Tom grew up in a military family and has been to many places in the United States and the world. On the one hand, he is experienced and has seen a lot of the world; On the other hand, it also makes him lack intimate friends. Usually, when he has just made a few good friends, he will go abroad with his parents. Every time he packed his bags, his parents were very excited, but little Tom mostly looked sad. Because it means he has to adapt to the new environment and make new friends. He doesn't like this turbulent life.
After attending middle school, he mainly stayed in the United States, and no longer went away with his parents. Because of his rich social experience and special family background, Tom is very popular with girls at school and has made many girlfriends. But to Tom's surprise, some boys are interested in him.
One day, a male classmate suddenly advised him not to hang out with girls all the time. Men are also very interesting together. He has also been letting Tom experience men's fun together. Out of curiosity, Tom really dated those boys several times and had physical contact. Tom couldn't tell his feelings, but the boy told Tom that young people nowadays should try homosexuality and heterosexuality at the same time, so as to determine a person's "sexual orientation".
In this way, Tom began his gay activities. He can't tell which side his "sexual orientation" belongs to. All he knows is that gay and straight experiences are good.
After entering Harvard University, Tom made several new gay friends, but none of them could last long. I didn't get some satisfaction until I met my current girlfriend, Mike. This is mainly because Mike is very obedient to him and does whatever he says. Recently, however, Mike found out that he was still having an affair with a girl. He was puzzled and asked to break up with him unless he was willing to disclose their relationship.
This made Tom fall into unprecedented distress. He can't make up his mind and doesn't want to give up Mike. What makes Tom more nervous is that Mike seems to be dating another gay recently, so Tom should make a decision as soon as possible.
I am also puzzled by Tom's choice of "sexual orientation". Because in my life experience, it is only natural that men and women are different. I never thought about "sexual orientation". I don't understand why some teenagers in the United States now take trying homosexuality as a self-confirmation task. Is a person's "sexual orientation" still a mystery on his growth path? I can't understand many things that Tom said.
With these questions, I went to consult my supervisor and suggested whether it was more appropriate to replace Tom. Unexpectedly, the supervisor said to me, "If you have no confidence in yourself, how can you give advice to others?"
"This is not a question of confidence, but a question of ability." I retorted, "Because I really don't know anything about homosexuality, and I lack the basis to think with the questioner." How can we understand the inner world of homosexuals well? "
"Do you think that everyone who gives psychological counseling to homosexuals must have homosexual experience?" He asked me.
"Of course not, but I am worried that I will have any conscious or unconscious anti-empathy consciousness towards homosexuality." I replied.
"Then why can't you experience the inner world of homosexuals? Don't you think this consultation is a good exercise opportunity for you? See if you have the ability to consult people you don't know. "
The supervisor blinked his left eye and said with a smile, "What's the matter?"
I nodded helplessly, thinking that I really want to "catch the ducks on the shelves" this time.
The director suggested that I contact some homosexuals to understand their inner feelings and emotional experiences, and take it as a special task of this psychological consultation.
I said, "I'll try, but ..."
Unexpectedly, the supervisor interrupted me and said, "Don't say but, you will succeed."
Homosexuality is my personal choice and no one can control it.
According to my tutor's suggestion, while consulting Tom, I also contacted the gay association of Harvard University and offered to visit one of their parties. Speaking of classmates, they promised me happily and invited me to their party next week. This is my first time to participate in such an activity, which is both curious and nervous. More than 20 people attended the party that day. Most of the men and women are classmates of Harvard University, and some of them are classmates I know. Some of them wear blue or pink triangular plastic badges. Most gay men still wear earrings on their left ear. With these signs, everyone can see each other's identity at once, but for someone like me who wears nothing, everyone is a little wary at first.
After learning my real purpose, fans rushed to tell me how they got on the gay road. It feels as urgent and pious as an old Christian telling a new Christian about his witness experience.
One of the girls told me excitedly how she was not satisfied with heterosexuality at first, and how she was satisfied with homosexuality later, as if she were a completely different person.
As she spoke, tears were almost flowing down her eyes. Out of professional habit, I quickly found a paper towel and handed it to her.
She wiped her eyes and said to me, "You will never understand our fun if you look at us homosexuals with secular eyes. Homosexuality really has nothing to hide. It is a personal life choice, just like you have the right to choose a partner or business partner. "
"What do you think of family and reproduction?" I asked very carefully.
"That's my personal choice. If my gay partner and I agree that we want to have a child and be parents once, we can adopt a child. " She replied.
"If one day you two decide to break up, what will you do with the children?" I asked again.
"Then we will discuss each other's responsibilities in advance, and then break up. If necessary, we will also sign a legal document to ensure our mutual obligations to our children. This is the same as the divorce procedure of ordinary families. Homosexuality is our choice. Besides, we are no different from ordinary people. " She replied simply.
"Then you become gay. What do you think of you when you throw away your family? " I then asked.
"This is my choice, it doesn't matter what they think. Of course, I still hope they can understand me and support me. In fact, my family wanted to control me at first, but now they can't control me. They can't mind their own business, so you don't have to worry about it. "
At this point, we all laughed.
I felt a great shock when I participated in this activity.
Although I personally still can't accept the gay lifestyle, I would like to know more about the inner world of homosexuals. I try to treat homosexuality as a life choice, not as a pervert of human nature. From this perspective, I can feel the great attraction of homosexuality to some people. Especially in a self-respecting, unconventional society like the United States, nothing can show a person's personality and rebellious spirit better than homosexuality.
At the same time, I began to understand that not everyone who participates in homosexual activities will eventually become a homosexual, and not everyone's formation is necessarily influenced by some physiological or genetic factors. In fact, many people participate in homosexual activities, perhaps to seek some kind of self-awareness, but the real purpose is not necessarily to become gay.
This is why the choice of "sexual orientation" will become the fashion pursuit of American young people. They want to try everything, just like young people in the sixties and seventies. If they don't smoke marijuana once, it's a waste for teenagers. Therefore, homosexuality may be just a means for people to try themselves, not an end.
These understandings are valuable gains of my "homework".
No investigation, no right to speak.
Do you know what the word "resentment" means?
With this understanding, when I discuss Tom's "sexual orientation" again, I will no longer stick to the comparison between homosexuality and heterosexuality, but focus on the symbolic meaning of homosexuality and Tom's contact with homosexuality and start a positive discussion, which will produce a lot of important information.
It turns out that Tom first came into contact with homosexuality shortly after he lived independently. At this moment. For the first time, he felt that he had himself and was no longer enslaved by his father. He was glad that he no longer wandered around with his parents and lived a lonely and unstable life.
Although his father's position in BBK was getting higher and higher, and he was highly valued by General Powell, then chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the US Army, Tom thought their father-son relationship was a complete failure. There is little spiritual communication between them, and there are only conflicts of views. Even when Tom is talking to his father, he keeps silent. "Yes, sir."
Once, when talking about the contradiction between their father and son, Tang suddenly asked me, "Do you know what the word resentment means?"
I didn't make any noise, my eyes looked at him, waiting for his answer.
"This is a mixture of love and hate," he said to himself.
"Uh-huh," I nodded and motioned for him to go on.
After a pause, Tom went on to say, "I love my father because he gave birth to me and has many expectations for me;" I hate my father because he has always been like an officer to me, not like a father. He only orders me to do this and that, and never asks me what I think. How I long for him to talk to me like a friend. But as far as I can remember, he has never done this. So, I always want to say no to him loudly or have a big fight with him. But every time I see his stern eyes, there is nothing I can do. I hate myself! I hate him! "
At this point, Tom held his head in one hand and became silent. After waiting for a few seconds, I said, "It's a pity that your father can't respect you."
"Yes," Tang Jing looked up and said, "in front of him, I obey him like his guards; But behind his back, I cursed him like them. Every star on his epaulettes adds a reprimand to his speech. He is a fucking son of a bitch. "
Say, Tom put his head in his hands.
I leaned down and patted him on the shoulder.
After a moment of silence, I asked Tom softly, "Do you think your involvement in gay activities now has anything to do with this?"
Tom looked up at me doubtfully and said, "I don't know, but I know my father is firmly opposed to homosexuality in the army." Last time Congress held a hearing on this issue, my father also made a speech on behalf of the garrison to which he belongs, which once again showed his firm position. "
"So, what are you doing your father firmly opposed. Don't you feel strange? " I then asked.
Tom shook his head. "I don't know what you mean?"
"Does your father know that you are gay?" I asked Tom.
"Of course I don't know." Tom replied.
"How will your father react if he finds out about it?" I'll ask Tom again.
"He will break into a furious rage. What does it matter? Anyway, I am no longer with him, and he can't manage my affairs. " Tom shrugged his shoulders.
"Tom, why did you do this thing that your father firmly opposed?" I will enlighten him again.
"I just don't want him to mind my business! He has been in charge of me for so many years, and I have had enough. " Tom said angrily.
"That's the problem, Tom. Don't you think you only take part in gay activities to vent your resentment against your father? " I explained.
Hearing this, Tom patted his forehead with his hand and shouted, "Yes, yes. In fact, I don't have any special sensory satisfaction with homosexuality. I just feel that there is an indescribable sense of excitement and relief, just like a child stealing something and running out without being found. "
"So, what do you think you are taking it out on your father, but he didn't find you. Isn't that exciting and refreshing? " I'll continue to explain.
"Yes, yes." Tom said repeatedly.
"That is to say, you subconsciously use homosexuality to resist your father's authority, but in fact, you are not really interested in homosexuality itself. So, your real satisfaction comes from doing something that your father can't catch. This has made you angry for several years, hasn't it? "
My breathing is getting worse.
Tom opened his mouth and looked at me with wide eyes. After a long time, he said,' What you said is so reasonable! "
"So, you are not gay, because you have no homosexual impulse in essence." I added.
Hearing this, Tom suddenly stood up from the sofa and sat down slowly. Muttered in his mouth: "This is impossible, this is impossible. Then how do you explain my relationship with Mike? "
"That's because Mike is obedient to you and satisfies your long-suppressed desire to conquer, so you like this relationship, don't you think?" I asked Tom.
"Maybe Mike is just my psychological conquest?" Tom gasped for air.
"If you are really gay, then why don't you want to make your relationship public? Don't you think this explains everything? " I asked Tom.
Tom looked at me for a long time with his chin in his hand and his brow furrowed.
I looked at him without saying a word.
Finally, Tom broke the silence and said; "What you just said really hit the nail on the head. I never thought that I had such profound reasons to be gay. I always thought that gay friends was just for fun and for my own happiness. "
"So, you don't actually belong to homosexuality, and the purpose of your initial commitment to homosexuality has been achieved. Do you think so? " I then asked.
"Then how do you explain the fact that I can accept homosexuality?" Tom hesitated before asking me.
"Because anyone can participate in homosexuality, but if you participate in homosexuality, you don't have to really be gay. Don't you have a girlfriend? Can you say that people who have girlfriends must be heterosexual? "
Tom nodded deeply.
The greatest fear in the world is fear itself.
Faced with the pressure from gay friends, Tom finally made his choice.
He realized that his "sexual orientation" was originally very clear, but he unconsciously used it as a means to resist his father's authority. As a result, he can't tell what kind of sex he should accept. Now he has made it clear that he is not gay.
This shows how plastic people are!
Afterwards, I reported the results of my consultation to the supervisor. He asked me how I felt now, and I replied that I was glad to have such an opportunity to exercise my consulting ability. I not only helped Tom make a choice of sexual orientation, but also enhanced my consulting ability and skills.
"More importantly," the supervisor concluded, "don't think that you can't ask questions you don't know. In fact, everyone who comes to consult you is a special case you don't know. As long as you take the lead, you will succeed. This is why President Roosevelt said that the greatest fear in the world is fear itself. "
I firmly remember this sentence.
case analysis
What is the reason why homosexuality prevails in American society?
As a physiological, psychological and sociological phenomenon, homosexuality is increasingly recognized by the public.
In fact, everything will change and there will be "alienation", and human beings are no exception. From the perspective of respecting human nature, I can understand the inner feelings and shouts of homosexuals. After all, in most countries and regions in the world, homosexuality is still not allowed by social customs.
On the other hand, if people try homosexuality in pursuit of a fashion or driven by some curiosity, or even regard it as a problem that needs to be considered in self-confirmation, it is against human nature.
In the United States, some young people introduce homosexuality, not because they have psychological and physical requirements, but because they are influenced by their peers, as if they would waste time trying homosexuality.
I clearly remember that when a boy came to ask me questions, he told me by the way that he found himself heterosexual. He looked very proud when he said this. And for me, do you still have to ask?
In this way, "sexual orientation" has become an increasingly fashionable term. Many people go in and out in an unexplained way, and it is not clear why they do it. They regard "sexual orientation" as a problem in personal growth, which complicates a very simple problem.
As a result, homosexuality is no longer just a simple physiological problem, but has been endowed with many psychological and sociological significance. This in turn enhances the mystery and temptation of homosexuality.
All these greatly exaggerate and deify the practical significance of homosexuality.
What is the significance of my successful consultation with Tom?
I had never dealt with homosexuals before consulting Tom. I can't understand their inner world, and I can't accept their lifestyle. Now I have to ask a gay man about his "sexual orientation". I face not only the pressure of ignorance, but also the challenge of personal prejudice (or anti-empathy).
I hesitate to consult Tom.
However, the supervisor's words gave me a great spur. He asked me to finish consulting Tom as a special task of psychological counseling. The homework requirement is to get rid of one's own prejudice and get to know a daunting world.
As a result, I managed to participate in some gay activities and got a deep understanding of their motivation to join homosexuality. This played a key role in my understanding of Tom's potential motivation to join the gay ranks.
This is also the challenge of psychological counseling to ignorance.
Besides, when I finally consulted Tom, I tried to use "reality therapy" to help him make his own decision. I have compared the difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality with him many times in an attempt to let him find out the answer himself. As a result, Tom did not know which side his "sexual orientation" belonged to, and our discussion was once in a dilemma.
Later, I decided to use cognitive therapy to help Tom decide his "sexual orientation". The therapy advocates that people's psychological confusion and obstacles are deeply influenced by their own cognition, so to correct these behaviors, we must start with changing the cognitive style. This gives me a new view on Tom's "sexual orientation" consultation.
The reason why "reality therapy" is not suitable for Tom's consultation is that Tom's involvement in homosexuality is not only influenced by the current American society, but also because he has been suppressed by his father's authority for many years, so that he has buried a strong rebellious consciousness subconsciously.
Later, I turned to "cognitive therapy" and began to discuss with Tom the potential motivation and symbolic significance of his participation in homosexual activities. As a result, he found that his involvement in homosexuality was only a superficial phenomenon, and the deep-seated reasons were the generation gap conflict between him and his father and the rebellious psychology of teenagers. Tom is more aware that what he did was actually to resist his father's authority, rather than that he was born with any homosexual tendency.
This series of steps laid the foundation for my successful consultation with Tom.
What did I get from consulting Tom?
After Tom realized all this, he no longer had the confusion of "sexual orientation" and had a deep understanding of his behavior. The essence of Tom's transformation from "not knowing the true face of Lushan Mountain" to knowing the true face of Lushan Mountain is to jump out of the original way of thinking and learn to see Lushan Mountain from a distance.
In other words, Tom is no longer blocked by the peak in front of him (homosexuality), but sees the peak of Lushan Mountain from a farther place (the process of his involvement in homosexuality and the reason why he is confused about "sexual orientation"), so as to truly see the true face of Lushan Mountain (the potential motive of involvement in homosexuality).
This is also the inspiration for both of us from the success of this psychological consultation.
As a result, I successfully completed this special task assigned by my supervisor and passed the severe test of my consulting ability and skills. I am very grateful to the supervisor for encouraging me at the critical moment, and I sincerely understand the meaning of the sentence "The greatest fear in the world is fear itself".
Of course, I still can't agree with the life choices and ways of homosexuals. But I want to know more about the mentality of homosexuals. This is not only a challenge to me from psychological counseling, but also a challenge to my ignorance.
Sun Tzu's Art of War says: Know yourself and know yourself, and you will win every battle.
The same is true of psychological counseling.
Counseling tip: How many mental health workers are there in the United States?
According to the statistics of American Psychological Association 1993, there are about 82,000 clinical social workers, 8,000 psychological counselors, 56,000 clinical psychologists and 44,000 psychologists in American society. There are nearly 280,000 mental health workers in the United States, accounting for about 1% of the total population in the United States.