In our life, we are more or less exposed to violent communication. Think back to the violent communication we suffered in the process of growing up, some from parents, some from school teachers, some from close partners, some from work partners and some from strangers.
Since childhood, we have been subjected to all kinds of language violence, such as comparison, accusation, preaching, denial, ridicule, random interruption, random comment and so on. When violated by this kind of language violence, our emotions and spirits are hurt and painful, and we will turn to indifference, isolation and even hostility.
Violent language is like an invisible knife, deeply rooted in our hearts. It is difficult for us to avoid the violent language around us. Fortunately, God sent non-violent angels! He is Dr. Marshall Luxembourg. 1984, carl rogers, the father of humanistic psychology, established the center for nonviolent communication (CNVC) to guide people to use nonviolent communication in their work and life, eliminate differences and disputes, achieve efficient communication, and help solve many disputes and conflicts around the world. Because of his outstanding achievements in promoting human harmony, in 2006, he won the Bridge of Peace Award from the Global Village Foundation.
Non-violent communication, also known as "the language of love", refers to the natural love after Mahatma Gandhi quelled the violence, that is, "non-violence".
1. Where did the violence come from?
1. Moral judgment: Comments hide our values and needs. Many people like to label others, whether it is negative comments, neutral comments or positive comments, it is a kidnapping for others, which is unfair, even if the other party makes concessions, it is unwilling.
2. Comparison: Comparison is also a form of judgment. Countless "comparisons" have blinded our love for others and ourselves. When I was a child, I didn't eat. Adults liked to compare other people's heights with mine. When I grow up, my father compares my grades with those of other children. When I get married, my husband will compare other people's wives with mine. At times like this, I think, "This is me. I am not satisfied with you looking for someone else! "
3. Avoiding responsibility: This method ignores the internal root of our emotions and downplays personal responsibility. And once we don't realize that we are our own masters, we become dangerous people. These ideas evade their responsibilities by saying "I have to" and "you let me" and put the responsibility on the other side.
Forcing others to do what they want usually means threatening, which means that if they don't cooperate, they will be punished. This is a common means of the strong. For example, parents will threaten their children: "If you don't listen, I won't want you."
Second, the elements of nonviolent communication.
1. Observe. Observe what is happening carefully and clearly state the observation results. Indian philosopher Kerry Shinawatra said: "Observation without comment is the highest form of human wisdom."
Learn to state facts objectively and give up subjective moral comments. A person is 30 minutes late. "You are 30 minutes late today", which is a fact (observation); "You are often late" is a comment.
2. feel it. We should be good at understanding and expressing our feelings. By establishing a vocabulary to express our feelings, we can express our feelings more clearly, thus making communication smoother.
In order to express feelings more clearly, nonviolent communication advocates the use of specific language. When we say "I think", we are often not expressing our feelings, but expressing our thoughts. In addition, some words express thoughts rather than feelings. For example; Abandoned, rejected, used, misunderstood, unsupported, etc.
3. need. Our needs and expectations, as well as our views on the words and deeds of others, lead to our feelings. Accusations, criticisms and comments often imply expectations. Criticism of others actually indirectly expresses our unmet needs. If we put forward our ideas through criticism, people's reaction is often defense or counterattack. On the other hand, if we directly say what we need, others are more likely to respond positively.
Step 4 ask for help. We should tell each other clearly what we want them to do. You should avoid using abstract language and make demands with concrete descriptions. The more specific you want to respond, the more likely you are to get a response. And need to ask for feedback from others.
Third, listen
In order to listen to others, we need to put aside our existing thoughts and judgments and feel each other wholeheartedly. After listening to others' observations, feelings, needs and requirements, I can actively express my understanding. In the process of communication, keep continuous attention and create conditions for the other party to fully express.
Fourth, express anger and gratitude.
Steps to express anger: first, stop, take a deep breath and do nothing; The second is to think about what makes us angry; The third is to know your own needs; The fourth is to express our feelings and directly tell our needs.
The contents of expressing gratitude include: what the other party has done to improve our lives; What needs have been met; How we feel.
Fifth, establish a new communication mode to let love flow.
1. Heal the pain of violent language. Subconsciously, violent language is planted in our hearts like seeds. Please try to find it, wake it up and cure it. Only when there is no violence in the heart can there be no violence.
2. To resolve the past, you need to break the old thinking mode and establish a new high-quality communication mode. First, every sentence has meaning. It may be unintentional for you, but it may mean a lot to the other person. So, be careful of the harm that your careless words may bring to others. Second, every sentence has a reason. Communication is the interaction between people in the inner world. The feedback and communication you hear represent a person's values, world outlook, outlook on life and past experiences.
Remember the formula "I observe … I feel … because … I ask …". When you use nonviolent communication, love will flow naturally.