I am afraid of being scolded, so my words and deeds are inappropriate.
In daily life, some people are often responsible for reporting bad news to others because of their positions. For example, as a doctor, you should convey bad news to your family; As a teacher, we should convey the child's bad behavior to parents; As a human resources supervisor, we should convey the resignation notice to the laid-off employees ... In the field of communication, we generally call such people who are responsible for conveying bad news to others "bereavement".
When the good news comes, we can spread it around happily, which is no problem. However, in the face of bad news, how to relay reports is quite a test of our level of transmitting information. Because although it's not your fault, mourners are always particularly easy to be fish in the pool-after all, the first reaction of ordinary people to hear bad news is often anger and denial, and the mourners in front of them are often the best vent.
The most common misunderstanding is to express empathy, but implicate yourself and become the object of blame. In the past, there was a general misleading in those bloody TV dramas, that is, when doctors reported the surgical results to patients, they often went too far, and their families didn't say anything, with a sad face and a look of "I really can't accept this result".
However, this will cause problems. Originally, you are just a neutral person to convey the news without taking any responsibility, but once you show too much sympathy, it is easy to give the other party an emotional outlet: "Since you can't accept it, why don't you work harder?" Obviously it's none of your business, but I have to implicate you.
The second misunderstanding in reporting bad news is that we often confuse "kindness" with "guilt". Many people say "I'm sorry" in order to express that they have no malice, but what they get is not necessarily the other person's peace. It is likely to be replaced by a vicious sentence: "Is it useful to say sorry? You have to solve it for me! "
We must understand that many people have a dark psychology, that is, they always want to find someone to take responsibility for bad things. The closer they get, the more dangerous they are. This is the dark side of human nature that everyone has. Therefore, if the expression of goodwill is mixed with guilt, it is easy to be seen through, and the other party can easily feel: If you are right, what are you guilty of? It's not your fault, it will be your fault.
As for the third misunderstanding, in order to appease the recipients and avoid self-blame, some people who are full of action often take the initiative to comfort and even make suggestions, trying to help each other solve the whole problem, but ignore that it is easy to be disproportionate and accompanied by great risks.
First of all, as a neutral party to convey the news, you may not know the cause and effect of the matter, and take the initiative to comfort and persuade. Maybe it's not a dog, and it will make the other person who is in a bad mood even more angry. For example, some people like to say "it's okay", "relax" and "this may be a good thing", but if the bad news you send is actually a big deal to the receiver, what would you think of it?
Secondly, when you take the initiative to comfort, you will change your identity from "irresponsible communicator" to "responsible actor" Imagine if the other person listened to your comfort and later found that he was still in a bad mood and came back to you, would you still comfort him? If you give the other person an idea that sounds reasonable, and then consult in detail, do you still want to help him complete the follow-up work? After all, you suggested it! Even if there are no mistakes, you should work hard and make unnecessary efforts; If anything goes wrong, it's all your responsibility.
It's none of your business, but after taking the initiative to comfort you, you have to take charge of more things, which is tantamount to setting yourself on fire.
skill
Professionalism, goodwill and friendship
In daily life, we often teach people to be human, but when delivering bad news, we need to show a neutral posture, neither too affectionate nor too indifferent, so as to accurately and faithfully deliver the news without further stimulating the emotions of the recipients.
First of all, there is nothing more impeccable than the neutrality of professionals in not being too affectionate. Therefore, in the doctor-patient communication guide, doctors should always be reminded to shape their professional image and try to communicate in a professional environment. For other professionals, if they have uniforms, they should dress neatly; If there is no uniform, the dress, voice, expression and posture should also be standardized by professionals. Speak clearly and forcefully, don't prevaricate; Look straight, don't hide. These details actually imply that the notifying party has not done anything that should be done to the notified party. The bad news is not from the notifying party. Because of its position and identity, the notifying party only conveys this message to the notified party.
Therefore, whether doctors tell patients that the examination results are not good, human resources tell job seekers that they have not been admitted, or bank employees tell customers that the loan has not been made, all these fully show their professional characteristics, and they need to practice this professional spirit frequently. This is the best measure to be careless and stubborn.
Secondly, in our daily communication with people, we often emphasize a concept called "empathy". In the face of bad news, when we are kind and compassionate, the so-called "people have the same heart and the same reason" will naturally give birth to a mentality of "I should help you more", and this is how compassion comes from. But there is a subtle difference that needs attention, that is, to express "goodwill willing to help" instead of "I am guilty and wrong"
We can try to compare these two sentences:
"I'm sorry, I screwed up."
"It's a pity that it didn't work."
If you think about it carefully, you will find that "regret" is because the other party will be sad, so from a humanitarian point of view, we feel unhappy; "Sorry" is because we are also responsible for not doing it. In the previous sentence, the other party can immediately grab the thread and say, "What's the use of saying sorry now?" Next, tell me what you want to do. "But the last sentence, the other side follows the context, and the conversation naturally becomes:" Meowed, what should I do now? "
So remember, no matter how considerate we are, we just come to convey the news, not to apologize. Just say "I'm sorry" and don't rise to the words of guilt and sorry. Paying attention to this subtle emotional difference can often avoid endless troubles in the future.
Finally, since we have repeatedly stressed that we can't be too affectionate as the bearer of bad news, does this mean that we have to leave all the time after reporting bad news?
Please pay attention here, of course, but running too fast may make mistakes. Because being anxious means disrespect, even if we have done nothing wrong, this disrespect alone is enough to drive people crazy-"Oh, what happened to our family, you just pretend that nothing happened?"
Therefore, when reporting bad news, it is best to sit down with each other in a closed or semi-closed space. Don't worry, show an attitude, that is, "you must have a lot of questions, you must think it is impossible, it doesn't matter, I can always be with you and help you answer patiently."
However, there is one key point that needs special attention. As mentioned earlier, you can accompany, but don't take the initiative to comfort. It is not advisable to say something "considerate" for granted, or use active body language, such as holding the other person's hand or patting the back to comfort others, or giving a so-called "positive" solution. Always remember that as a naturally thankless role of "bereavement", discretion is more important than anything else, and any cross-border behavior may bring unnecessary trouble to both sides.
For example, in the movie Up in the Cloud, George Clooney's "Fire Expert" knows this well. For every business, he refused to use video tools for remote dismissal. Instead, he insisted on flying to the client company that needed layoffs and communicating face to face with the laid-off employees, but never said much, which not only calmly fulfilled the obligation of companionship, but also avoided the complications caused by hasty suggestions.
Pay attention to use
Please note that the discretion and skills of "delivering bad news" mentioned here are applicable, that is, this bad thing is not caused by you, you are just a delivery channel because of your identity and occupation. After all, it is not the responsibility of doctors to be bad to patients in many cases; The economic situation is not good, the boss wants to lay off employees, and the human resources responsible for informing this matter are just doing their duty. That's why we say, be professional, don't sympathize, be kind, don't feel guilty, accompany and don't take the initiative to comfort. But if it's your fault, the situation is completely different. At this time, the first step you have to do is to learn how to apologize (please refer to the apology skills of "ants moving elephants" in the section of "Conflict Communication").
Common sentence patterns
Let me explain, this thing is like this. ...
To express professionalism, first of all, your expression should be neutral and objective, and if you can, you'd better have a sense of authority. Therefore, when reporting bad news, we should try to avoid saying "I think" and "I think" and don't prevaricate. Instead, you should use the word "explain" to express yourself in an impersonal way to strengthen your professional image. At the same time, you should also convey a disclaimer-I didn't cause it, I just came to tell you what it was like.
I regret that the situation is not optimistic. ...
Saying sorry means that you only show kindness out of humanitarianism, which is different from feeling guilty and sorry.
You can ask me any questions and I will tell you all the information I know.
First of all, expressing willingness to answer questions is the obligation of companionship; At the same time, emphasizing that what you say is what you know is implying that you are just a sender of information. If the other person asks, he knows everything, but that's all.