"It is my gentleness not to disturb"—
A good friend sent me a screenshot of her chat record, and she finally confessed to the boy she liked for a long time. I was just about to ask her how the other party would reply when she sent me again:
But in fact, she didn't send any expression packs, but added:
Seeing such a screenshot, I was speechless for a while. Decided to write an article for this friend.
Are you my friend too? On the surface, it's nothing. In fact, the small theater in the brain is very active. You are obviously uneasy about the real attitude of the interactive object while waiting, but you don't care.
This complicated mood makes you feel painful in your feelings, but next time, you can't help but say "nothing, don't call me back". Why is this happening?
Look at today's article.
As we all know, the words "nothing, don't call me back" will not appear in the case of our face-to-face communication.
Dr John suler pointed out that with the popularity of mobile Internet, interpersonal interaction is increasingly realized through online text communication. We must admit that people have entered an era of textual relations.
In the delayed reply unique to the word relationship, the other party may not reply to you immediately. Interpersonal interaction without immediate feedback is likely to have an impact on people's intention to express continuously.
This is equivalent to face-to-face. When one person finishes speaking, the other person's reply is "pause". On the one hand, we tend to express ourselves more emotionally and impulsively. On the other hand, we also want to avoid the same personal and emotional messages from each other to make ourselves feel safe.
Kali Munro, an online clinical psychologist, calls this phenomenon "emotional hit-and-run".
For example, if you drop a sentence "I like you" or "I am angry", you will easily bump your emotions into each other, leaving a sentence "Nothing, don't call me back", hastily covering up your emotions and leaving the "accident scene".
Aside from the internet, when we keep thinking about "Will ta come back to me" and "When will ta come back to me", these small brain theaters that can't stop are actually "invasive ideas".
Some thoughts we don't want are still floating in our minds for no reason, and it's hard to get rid of them. This is a normal phenomenon. Research shows that 94% people experience some degree of invasive thoughts every day.
However, when intrusive thoughts turn into compulsive thoughts, it will do us harm, mainly negatively affecting our normal functions.
At my friend's place, it is a compulsive and invasive idea to constantly guess whether the other party will reply, which makes her lose the motivation to do everything else during this time.
Everyone has different needs for "cognitive closure". The so-called cognitive closure refers to the rapid conclusion of the uncertain scene in front of you, so as to stop guessing.
My friend has a high demand for cognitive closure, so when such an invasive thought appears, she needs to take the initiative to do something to make the uncertain situation certain, so as to end the harm caused by the invasive thought. The way she chose was to say "Nothing, don't call me back".
But sometimes, we deliberately don't reply to the news because we want to release a message "I like you, but you are not my whole life" to each other, thus enhancing our attraction to ta. Is it really useful to play hard to get?
1. People with fear attachment
Studies have shown that attachment types with high avoidance and anxiety are related to compulsive thinking.
Among adult attachment types, fear attachment has a high degree of "avoidance of intimacy" and "anxiety of abandonment". This contradictory mentality drives them to approach actively in intimate relationship, but they are afraid of being rejected and cheated, so they are still unwilling to get close to others.
Therefore, even if the other party replies to the affirmative inquiry, the TAs will still insist on saying "nothing".
2. People who can't stand uncertainty
Freeston and others put forward the concept of "intolerable degree of uncertainty". It affects the relationship between "uncertainty" and "worry/anxiety" and is used to measure our tolerance for uncertainty.
For people with high IU, ta has lower tolerance for uncertainty and is more likely to feel anxious. Ta people will make up many possibilities, such as "ta doesn't like me" and "ta wants to keep a distance from me", which will make them feel threatened.
In this hypothetical dangerous situation, TAs are eager to find a definite answer, so they are more inclined to say "Nothing, don't call me back". To some extent, TAs have temporarily created a kind of "no return" certainty for themselves to resist thousands of uncertainties.
You try to take the initiative to dominate your abandoned state in the relationship.
If the other person doesn't answer, you are in a state of abandonment.
Dr. claudia black believes that emotional abandonment often comes from childhood, and children's emotional needs are often ignored or rejected by their parents.
So, what can children do in the face of being abandoned?
Freud observed that 18-month-old grandson would play the game of "fortress/big": when his mother was away, the grandson took a wooden shaft tied with thin thread, threw it out until it was out of sight, shouted "fortress" (German means "go/disappear/disappear"), and then pulled it back, shouting "big" happily.
By repeating the game of disappearance and reappearance, the child symbolizes that he has taken the initiative in the passive relationship with his mother, so as to make up for his anxiety of being abandoned when his mother is away.
When people say "nothing, don't call me back" on the swing of relationships, it's like a child throwing that wooden shaft. In this way, we seem to have an initiative: even in the face of the reality that the other party does not reply, it is because we actively say no that we reply first.
As a result, being abandoned is no longer as powerless as childhood; We regained the possibility of trying to regain the initiative.
1. Dealing with invasive ideas
Many times, this "nothing" is for myself. We thought we wouldn't think about it when we were done, but those ideas were more stubborn. For example, I told you not to think about a white bear. I believe you have a picture of a white bear in your mind.
This is Daniel Wegner's "Irony Process Theory" based on the "White Bear Experiment": The more you suppress an idea, the more it will pop up.
So, first of all, don't try to fight or escape, maybe you can try the following two methods:
Create space for ideas: "What I'm thinking is _ _ _ _." Then fill in the blanks with your thoughts, such as "I was thinking,' Will TA call me back?' "
This process is best carried out by writing and reading aloud. You will find yourself becoming an observer rather than a participant in your own thoughts, releasing a little space and distance from it. The original idea was just words.
Challenge the authenticity of your thoughts: Try to challenge the authenticity of your thoughts, especially those negative thoughts, such as "ta doesn't answer me because she hates me". Can you find objective evidence to confirm this idea?
If it is not easy to find, you can start to adjust your thinking according to the facts, such as "ta is at work, and I may be busy if I don't reply".
2. Practice real self-expression
If you find that you often say "nothing" but your heart is surging, then you may not be very good at true self-expression. Such a dilemma may affect your effective interpersonal communication.
In fact, self-expression ability can be improved through practice. The following is a five-line form to exercise your self-expression ability, which you can practice at any time:
Five elements of personal experience
Past tense or present tense
time
Use five kinds of information with "I" as the subject to help others understand me better.
1. What behaviors/events/feelings did I see/hear/make/remember? (excluding assessment of facts)
I saw/heard/made/remembered …
from the past , to the present
2. What kind of emotions do I have about those behaviors or events? Happiness, sadness, anxiety, depression, pride, regret, shame, gratitude, etc. )
I think ...
3. What explanation/evaluation/idea/hope/demand/fantasy aroused and supported my feelings?
Because I ...
4. Now, what action/information/discussion/help/commitment do I want?
Now, I think ...
From now to the future.
5. What positive results/self-realization do I think this action/discussion/information/commitment will bring?
... so I can ... so we can ... for me/us. ...
Finally, I want to share a joke with you:
When you ask someone, "Are you okay?" When someone answers "I'm fine", it's actually something.
When you ask, "Are you okay?" Others answered, "What?" That's really nothing.
I hope you can interact with the outside world with your true self in interpersonal communication. Don't rely too much on each other to get a sense of security, and you don't need to stay away from others to cover up your anxiety and get a balance in interpersonal relationships.
Today's interaction: Have you ever heard such a message without waiting for a response? What do you want to say to ta now? Tell your story in the message area!