1, if there is a relationship, there will be disappointment and trauma to the relationship. For individuals, energy stays at which stage of trauma occurs.
The earlier the trauma occurs and the younger it is, the greater the harm and influence it will have on us. If the trauma occurs in the early stage, it will hurt our basic relationship system; If it happens in the second advanced stage, our basic system can still support it, so the period and age of trauma are more important.
2. Some injuries are passed down from generation to generation and exist as an atmosphere in the family. Such trauma is handed down from generation to generation and is difficult to detect.
To discuss trauma, we should not only look at our own family background, but also look at the family background in Born Family. For example, the trauma of war and hunger is passed down from generation to generation.
Trauma within the family is usually caused by man, and it is not caused by one person's fault, but should be traced back to the historical environment and general survival problems. For human beings, the ultimate trauma is death, which is a fact that people will die.
All life trauma can be traced back to one source, that is, childbirth trauma, which is also a kind of separation trauma.
A life falls from a perfect state of perfection, harmony and no desire to a world full of danger and pain, and this kind of separated wound will run through one's life. Trauma does not come from family background, but is rooted in the starting point of organism life. We rely on our parents' platform for development, and our parents use us to re-experience history and the future. Throughout our lives, we borrow other objects to mirror ourselves, satisfy projection, realize fantasy and cooperate with each other.
4. When a person thinks that his trauma and pain have not been recognized and repaired, the resentment against his parents will continue.
When you know the history and experience of your parents and grandparents, when you see the tragedy and fate of the whole human history, as well as the evolution and evolution of nature and the universe ... life and death, and so on. You will find that all destruction is accompanied by rebirth, just as survival is necessarily accompanied by death. You will find that if you trace the source of your trauma from the outside, it will be endless and endless. Therefore, you must find another way and start looking from the heart, which opens up the power of the self and the real road to healing.
5. The formation and changes of trauma occur in the heart.
When we long for the savior to help us, it reflects our vulnerability and helplessness. This fear creates the illusion of omnipotent parents. Many people will stay in the trauma of the past and think that they need to change the facts that happened in the past, otherwise they can't change the present.
Trauma solidifies the internal relationship model and affects us to experience other things. Although the past facts cannot be changed, the internal relationship pattern caused by past trauma can be changed, and the change can only happen in the inner world.
6, trauma is possible to repair, trauma experience can bring self-transcendence.
The biggest impact of trauma is that it will occupy our whole brain and thinking. After being occupied by trauma, we can't add new experiences and memories and feel the beauty of life.
In a good psychological counseling atmosphere, after slowly establishing a safe relationship, the trauma may be rebuilt step by step. In this process, the trauma will be sorted out in words and spirit, the complex of internal siltation will be cleared up, and other beautiful things will be displayed in the hearts of visitors. And these beautiful, safe and supportive objects will integrate traumatic experiences and give new meaning.
And traumatic experience can also bring self-transcendence. There are many literary and artistic works that the author slowly heals through his own traumatic experience and achieves self-transcendence. Art, literature, dance and music are all ways to repair wounds and surpass themselves. One branch of psychotherapy is artistic expression therapy, which realizes the reintegration of emotional trauma through nonverbal artistic expressions such as music, dance and painting.
When I experienced the "complex" of the House of Origin the next day, the course guidance and group sharing brought out the heavy theme of "trauma" and exposed some bitter debt collection psychology. At the same time, we also mentioned how to understand parents' limitations and problems by understanding their growth background, how to rationally treat the defects of family background as sunk costs, which determines the futility of debt collection, and we can actively seek other ways to gain new relationships and emotional experiences to some extent.
Today's course allows us to look at the intergenerational transmission in Trauma from a broader perspective, to see when the "revenge" is in intergenerational debt collection, and to see that we can actually pursue more possibilities in the future when we leave the past ... In today's practice, some students have experienced more letting go, and some students need more time to transform. Some people are still confused, and can't find a reasonable explanation for the hurt complex in reality from the understanding of the previous generation ..... We allow all the states to be presented, but consciously increase our consciousness and contact with ourselves, our families and the current new relationship.
Here, the viewpoint of understanding the family institutional arrangement of conflict and trauma is supplemented.
The family system arrangement, represented by Heeringer, explains the law of benign operation of a family system with the basic concepts of system ownership, balance and order, reveals the collective subconscious and destiny entanglements in the family system with the conscience and implicated entanglements of individuals and collectives, and puts forward some opinions on how to achieve reconciliation between the "victims" and "perpetrators" caused by these implicated entanglements. These viewpoints are summarized and formed on the basis of many years' cases of family system arrangement, revealing the disorder and imbalance caused by some institutional dynamic factors, and explaining the roots of some personal abnormalities or injuries in family system. The family system arrangement does not use the concept of trauma, but explains the possible reasons for this phenomenon that we may call trauma in the family system. For specific cases, we need to look at other possibilities from multiple angles, such as the influence of social history and culture on families. This is just an explanation.
"Conscience" is the core concept and insight in Hellinger's thought. In Hellinger's different works, there are some different orientations and expressions, but the same expression is:
Personal conscience comes from three kinds of needs: the demand of belonging qualification, the demand of giving and receiving balance, and the demand of order. "We call those consciences that make us feel guilty or at ease personal consciences" (who is in my house). This kind of "innocence or guilt" and "good or evil" do not correspond to good or evil in the general moral sense, but to the consciousness and feelings generated by the consistency or deviation of individuals in a certain relationship or group. "Personal conscience" can be understood as the feeling of innocence or guilt, good or bad, which is caused by the individual's need for belonging, balance and order, and has nothing to do with moral good or evil. For example, a person who is loyal to his family or relationship but neglected or treated unfairly will have a strong sense of belonging but feel that he is a victim at the same time, that is, he thinks he is innocent and kind; On the contrary, a person may have a "uneasy conscience" and feel uneasy and embarrassed about his thoughts and behaviors of deviating from or betraying his family or family.
"Collective conscience is a kind of group consciousness. Personal conscience serves the individual's sense of belonging and survival, and collective conscience serves the family or group unit. Collective conscience puts the survival of the group first when it comes into play, and individual rights may be sacrificed in the name of maintaining the survival of the group. Therefore, the purpose of this kind of conscience is to maintain the integrity of the group and be thoroughly implemented to ensure the highest criterion for the existence of the group "(sublimation in love).
On the level of personal conscience, conflicts are likely to occur between family members. For example, if a person's spouse has an affair, he/she will not let go of the other person's betrayal because of his/her loyalty and innocence, and the other person will not let go of this relationship because of betrayal, and can only stay further away.
The conflict of conscience is also manifested in the conflict of ownership, balance and order mentioned above. For example, a person who relies too much on marriage and has to compromise is the conflict between ownership and balance. A child with immature parents, out of love, may become an adult, and in turn become an emotional or even functional caregiver of parents and a substitute for intergenerational roles, thus leading to conflicts between ownership and order. (In the family theory, this phenomenon is called parentage. )
From the demand of belonging, belonging is limited and manipulative; The sense of belonging also promotes the rejection of dissidents. Different relationships, groups and systems in which individuals live form differences and conflicts in group values. For example, the Japanese film Thief's Home is a deduction of personal conscience conflict between different systems. The members of this special family are loyal to the family but violate social norms. It is also common that if there are problems and conflicts between parents in the family, the love and loyalty to both parents will make the children bear the conflict of conscience; Conflict between personal commitment to family and work; Differences and conflicts between daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law, son-in-law and in-law in habits and concepts; Conflict with friends on "three views"; Personal conflict between the main cultural environment and sub-cultural groups; The conflict between secular life and religious belief, and so on.
Judging from the balanced demand of giving and receiving, the balanced demand of giving and receiving is also the basic driving force for guilt and innocence. In order to maintain the "innocence" in giving and receiving, people often adopt three modes-"bystander" (alienation and rejection), "helper syndrome" (no debt to others, excessive efforts or involvement) and "full exchange" (balanced interaction, a beautiful way to experience innocence). Sometimes, stability and balance may start with an "offender" and a "destroyer", but if it can't be repaired all the time, it may be caused by the stubbornness of the "innocent". Sometimes, if patience is replaced by appropriate punishment, a balance can be achieved.
When debts and dissatisfaction, injuries and victims appear in the relationship, "both sides also need to re-establish the balance of giving and receiving; The victim has the right to justice, and the perpetrator has the responsibility to pay compensation. " Heilinger gave the same example: A wife left her alone and complained about her husband for 20 years because he drove their new car to accompany his parents for six weeks when they first got married, and a friend told her husband to make some demands or do something punitive to her husband to get a balance.
Usually, victims experience innocence in three ways, of which only the third is mature and constructive:
First, "false helplessness": the victim did not ask for fair treatment, and could not or decided not to take actions that were beneficial to him, that is, he did not take advantage of this possibility to take actions. In this case, often this potential anger will be transferred to others, and others will take action instead of the victims. There is a common phenomenon of "double transfer": children and grandchildren experience the anger suppressed by their predecessors in the relationship and transfer this anger to other innocent objects. This transfer is the role of "system conscience" to be mentioned later.
The second is "naive forgiveness": in order to cover up the conflict or delay the arrival of the conflict, the victim chooses forgiveness, which will be even more destructive. It is a right and an obligation for the victim to claim compensation. The injurer has the obligation to bear the consequences and make compensation, and also has the right to be freed.
The third is constructive reconciliation: this requires the victims not to go to extremes when making demands, and also requires them to accept appropriate compensation from the perpetrators. This is sincere forgiveness and constructive reconciliation.
Corresponding to the need of belonging, balance and order of individual conscience, collective conscience also includes these three aspects, but it acts on the whole level of the system and is not affected by individual consciousness. The demand basis of collective conscience is a stronger legal requirement, and its manifestation is intergenerational compensation and balance driven by collective subconscious.
The need to belong: that is, "to ensure that everyone in the group has the same right to belong to the group", "this conscience will accept the expelled people, as well as those who have been misunderstood, forgotten and died. So this conscience tries to rebuild the lost integrity, which will make the excluded member be represented by another member. This will become the fate of the latter, and he knows nothing about it and does not understand the connection. "
Demand for balance: individual conscience satisfies balance through the interaction between giver and receiver, while family conscience satisfies balance by repeating "the injustice of innocent offspring to ancestors".
Order demand: first come, first served in the family, general partnership is superior to parent-child relationship, children before remarriage are prior to new partnership, and so on. If the hidden rules of these systems are broken, problems will also arise.
From here, we can see that when we take the individual as the center and want to collect debts unfairly, the collective or the system will surpass the individual's interests to maintain the balance of the system. This kind of compensation will cause the so-called "entanglement". Although the role of collective conscience often leads to a negative and blind balance, even a disaster for individuals, it is difficult for individuals to overcome.
Hellinger believes that if we understand how this family conscience works, we can free a person from this fate, that is, we can see the root of the problem, and the system members who are forgotten and rejected by the family and involved in the harm and injury will appease and bid farewell, surrender to the fate and "humbly withdraw from it".
Both individual conscience and collective conscience have limitations, and both of them will have conflicts. As a solution to the conflict between consciences, different individuals and groups will grow beyond their own conscience by recognizing that other consciences are equal to their own. This transcendence is spirituality, which Herring called "spiritual conscience" or "third conscience" in his early days, and later changed to "transcendence of conscience".
Spirituality, like personal conscience, is experienced at the personal level. The essence of spiritual movement is a kind of sports force with love from the depths of the soul, which accepts all people and things as they are. Spiritual conscience is consistent with this power, accepting all people and things as they are and giving them equal care. "(sublimation in love). In Hellinger's description, this spirituality is a consciousness that connects everything.
Finally, we use Hellinger's poem "I Allow" to experience this spiritual power.
I allow it,
I allow anything to happen.
I allow it,
It started like this,
Such a development,
This ending.
Because I know everything,
It's all karma and combination,
Everything is inevitable.
If I think it should be another possibility,
It's only yourself who gets hurt.
The only thing I can do,
Is to allow.
I allow others to be like him.
I allow it,
He would have this idea,
Judging me like this,
Treat me like this.
Because I know,
That's what he is,
From his standpoint, he is right.
If I think he should be something else,
It's only yourself who gets hurt.
The only thing I can do,
Is to allow.
I allow myself to have such an idea.
I allow every idea to appear,
Let it exist,
Let it disappear.
Because I know,
The idea itself is meaningless and has nothing to do with me.
Come when you should, and leave when you should.
If I don't think I should have such an idea,
It's only yourself who gets hurt.
The only thing I can do,
Is to allow.
I allow myself to have such emotions.
I allow every emotion to happen,
Let it develop,
Let it pass.
Because I know,
Emotions are just physical feelings, and there is no difference between good and bad.
The more you resist, the stronger you become.
If I don't think I should feel this way,
It's only yourself who gets hurt.
The only thing I can do is allow,
I allow it. That's what I am.
I allow it. That's what I am.
How should I behave? Let me behave myself.
Because I know what it's like outside,
It's just the accumulation of self.
The real me is full of wisdom.
If I think it should be another way,
It's only yourself who gets hurt.
The only thing I can do,
Is to allow.
I know,
I'm here to experience the present life.
Every moment,
The only thing I have to do is
Totally allowed,
Full experience,
Experience it completely,
Enjoy it completely.
Listen, listen.
Allow everything to remain as it is.