Freud said that there is nothing new after the age of six, which means that what happened after the age of six actually happened before the age of six, just in a new package. Of course, adolescence is no exception.
Adolescence is coming, and half of them have to go back to deal with their old injuries. Just like teenagers yearn for future independence on the one hand and cling to yesterday on the other.
However, teenagers are stronger than before. For example, when children are wronged when interacting with children, when adults understand, perceive and replace children in their own way, when children suppress their inner feelings because they are afraid of adults and dare not express them, children have no resistance to this part, but teenagers are different. They will express each other and collide with each other with the power of growth.
Because teenagers' important task is to find themselves, know who they are and where their boundaries are.
In this way, those events that happen every day but don't end will follow into adolescence and become a part of the development task of teenagers.
These unresolved obstacles to progress, such as mines buried in growth, will be detonated one by one because of the growth mission and strength of teenagers, so adolescence is defined as "rebellion."
If many difficulties in its growth can be understood by adults at this time, the situation will be controllable. In the experience of teenagers, there is also the experience of mine safety detonation. On the contrary, if we suppress or continue to break through its borders, young people will miss the opportunity and experience of safe demining when they grow up.
However, it is not easy to tolerate the tossing of teenagers. What I want to say is that it doesn't matter if you are defeated by a teenager, just don't be killed. It is in the collision with parents that teenagers learn the boundaries and how to deal with authority. It is also in the experience of safe interaction with parents that we can go further.
I don't know who I am.
Dali B Rabbit, the hero of the picture book "I don't know who I am", has a life full of troubles and questions. Who is he? He knows nothing about himself. When the terrible weasel Jesse D appeared in the forest, rabbit Dali B found all the answers.
Adolescent children are like Dali B. They don't know who they are. While looking for themselves, they are also faced with heavy schoolwork, changes in sexual physiology and psychology, developmental tasks in adolescence and old injuries and pains in their previous growth.
Teenagers were involved in the conflict between the two armies. Either you are depressed and introverted, or you are sad and lonely alone like a fighter. When you are angry, you hurt others and yourself.
Ceng Laoshi said that one of the tasks of adolescence is to make adults lose control. In fact, how out of control their hearts are. Depression and loss of control became their main tone. ......
How spectacular and tragic it is to raise a teenager and make up for it when his whole body is prickly and collides with his surroundings.
In a case of family therapy, a soldier's father burst into tears, and neither a mother who graduated from a famous university nor a father with a group can control an adolescent baby. In the face of his adolescent dropout, he was once one of the top ten and extremely intelligent sons in the school. He said that he almost knelt down and begged his son ... so painful that he wanted to shoot himself with the guy in the drawer countless times. ......
I can feel the unspeakable pain in my heart. I believe many people have experienced despair when facing teenagers.
A father told me that when an adolescent son makes trouble at home, there are many moments when they don't want him, and every mother has the heart to kill the child ... How can a well-behaved and obedient child behave like a devil all night, not studying 24 hours a day, 10 hours making trouble, and sometimes his mother threatens Lacrimosa all day? ...
When I learned about the innocence of childhood, what adults said and the alienation of family feelings, my father seemed to understand. It turns out that when children grow up, they are always treated and raised as little babies. The cliff-like changes in adolescence caught parents off guard. This prickly teenager spends so much time and energy making trouble every day just to find out who he is!
The authorities are fascinated and miserable, and so are teenagers. They devoted themselves wholeheartedly to such a drama in which the father was heartless and the son was unfilial. Isn't it because they feel the strength and strength of their parents' relationship that they can make trouble boldly? One day 10 hour of drama, so full of vitality!
I told this father that husband and wife can feel sadness and pain, have all kinds of thoughts and thoughts, talk to each other about their pain and find friends to support them. Can be defeated by children, admit defeat, admit defeat. But you must never escape and cut off the relationship, but stay in this relationship in the most difficult days and survive in the world of teenagers.
I think there may be many parents who can't wait to run away at once.
Fortunately, most people, like these two fathers, survived. Some choose to let go, so that teenagers have a lot of space, more is to seek help, to inject rationality into out of control.
Adolescence fights for sovereignty and borders.
Tian Tian is a quiet girl. In her limited life experience, her father has always been a strict and uncompromising person at home, while her mother has always been a slave. When she was in junior high school, she found that her parents didn't feel safe enough, and her diary and mobile phone were often turned over. She argued that she had never been rejected for any reason. On several occasions, she persisted in the conflict desperately, and her father beat her up, but her mother didn't stop her.
I don't know when Tian Tian became a quiet and angular girl.
I don't know when Tian Tian began to feel pain all over his body, and all hospitals were of no help.
I walked into the consulting room by accident. It turns out that Tian Tian's pain is a hidden confrontation with his parents. Since you want me to live according to your wishes, it is impossible to complete confrontation with my body in reality. Because of illness, parents' expectations of Tian Tian will drop to the bottom. The victory that cannot be achieved in reality is achieved in concealment.
There is no winner in this hidden conflict-free war.
In the process of self-seeking, when the boundaries are repeatedly broken, the subconscious will come out to help express it in a hidden form. You can't fight in secret, and both sides lose.
Teenagers need boundaries and know who they are, which is the result of growing up.
Our culture thinks that it is not good for teenagers to rebel, and even makes us full of fear of adolescence. Especially in the cultural background of champion complex and the environment of great academic pressure, it is best for everyone to do whatever they want, just study, regardless of any adolescent development tasks, just like Bao Xiao.
However, the growth of teenagers is so vigorous. War at home is often staged.
If in the confrontation with parents, parents insist and hold the teenager. After this period, they will be the children you want. In other words, only in confrontation can they find boundaries and know how to get along with authority. This also explains why many teenagers drop out of school, but after a very difficult period in the eyes of their parents, they return to campus as if nothing had happened and join the normal study life.
If parents are too strong, children will always be frustrated, then children will learn to feel powerless after getting along with authority, because the inner experience is that I will never hit my parents. Of course, they may also see that they can't argue openly and turn to infighting. Just like Tian and his parents, both lose.
Parents can be defeated, but not killed.
Kay is warm and frank, and all the friends in the team like him very much. Strangely, whenever a large team project is implemented, it can be done well, but it will always fall apart at a critical moment. Repeated mistakes made him miss many opportunities.
In the second year of high school, Kay accidentally lost his father. Before that, Kay had been rebellious, his clever head didn't study hard, and he struggled with his father for many years. In the second year of high school, he suddenly realized that he could no longer fool around and should study hard. When he began to work hard, his father died.
This left a terrible impression on Kay's cognition. My father died when I wanted to succeed. As long as I want to succeed, terrible things will happen.
During the consultation, Kay burst into tears again and again. He hated himself for being so kind to his father, who left him so early. ......
Looking down, of course, there is Kay's guilt for his father. His failure to study hard made his father angry for so long. He has expectations for his father, expecting to see his efforts, disappointment, that is, failure after expectation, and has deep love for his father.
Fortunately for Kay, he found the problem, entered the consulting relationship, sorted out and cured the unfinished complex before. But I think, in reality, how many people think that they will "kill" their parents when they grow up, and ultimately they fail?
The growth of adolescence is only a few years, but it is a lifelong thing for teenagers. It is not easy to defeat the teenagers who are carrying heavy loads.
Teenagers who have adult faces, behave themselves and speak adult language often conflict with adults.
Can conflict, teenagers need guidance and rules; Adults can win, but they cannot humiliate teenagers; Teenagers can win, but adults can be defeated, not killed.
Beating adults shows that teenagers have power; Disturbing the whole family shows that teenagers are still quite powerful. But if an adult is killed and quits the struggle with teenagers, perhaps the activation of conflict is the injury of the adult's previous growth. Think carefully about what aroused your desire to run away in the conflict. It may be very helpful for you, your children and your future grandfather to figure this out.
Don't forget, the relationship between teenagers and their parents is the relationship between them and authority when they grow up. When teenagers are defeated and not killed in the process of fighting against their parents, teenagers will have the experience of fighting against authority in the future, instead of being afraid to fight or having terrible punishment waiting for him as long as they have successful ideas in their hearts.
Teenagers have only grown up for a few years, which is worth persisting in.
Author: Mo Lihua
This article was first published in Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, the official account of WeChat, and it is strictly forbidden to reprint without authorization.