To tell the truth, my first reaction when I saw this news was that I was tired. This message praises me more than it describes. I don't know the basic information, I don't know the reason for breaking up, I don't know why I quarreled. I'm not a fairy, how do I know if I can save it? Why don't I delve into metaphysics and give you a divination? I can also give you another character to see if you two can last forever.
But because I am very happy to hear compliments from others and see that she has a good eye, I reluctantly took the initiative to "check my account", asked about the specific situation, analyzed it for her, and did not ignore this information.
I don't recommend saving all cases. Many young girls are inexperienced, and everyone they meet has problems. There is no need to save them. Some girls with slag-sucking constitution need to get rid of the negative influence brought by their family background.
Some of them are out of separation anxiety. Actually, they don't necessarily love each other very much. They just want each other to continue to love themselves. In this case, it is more important to learn to love yourself and give yourself strength than to save it.
Be clear about your inner emotions and feelings, find out what you really want, and now consider how to recover and how to get back together.
I often meet people who are very contradictory and tangled. The following is a message from the same person on the same day:
In fact, everyone can't save it, not because of how difficult their situation is, but because they can't stand in a correct and reasonable position to look at this relationship objectively from the beginning.
Today, you confided in your friends, heard your friends speak ill of ta, said that you were inappropriate, remembered the bad things that ta had done, decided not to get along with each other, and even said something that broke with ta. Tomorrow, I remembered the goodness of ta again, and I can't bear to part with it. I tried to make up again, and even asked someone to help you.
You feel inferior today, thinking that the other party broke up with you because you didn't think you were good enough. Ta disdained you, ran to talk to others, and was known by ta. Tomorrow, I know the real reason why ta broke up with you and began to reflect on myself. I find myself doing a lot of things badly, being bad to others and feeling guilty.
You have never seriously recovered this relationship, or you are limited by your own cognition and stubbornly use your own ideas to guess each other. The foundation of recovery has not been laid well, and you have been spinning around in the same place, let alone "doing the right thing."
For example, you and others are novices in the glory of the king. People have already made a good strategy, knowing that this game is a tower-pushing game, knowing the different types and functions of heroes, and following teammates; You don't know which way to go. If you get lost in the wild for a long time, you can't get out. If you don't have any consciousness, you always send your head. Isn't this fate?
Those who can't lay a good foundation at the beginning are mostly the same problems, and they will not delay their satisfaction and can't control their own needs. Psychologists have done an experiment, giving candy to a group of 4-year-old children, telling them to wait 20 minutes before eating this candy, and then giving them another candy. Some children can't wait to eat directly, and some children have waited for 20 minutes to overcome difficulties. Follow-up surveys show that children who delay gratification are more successful.
You always can't remember your ultimate goal-getting back together, but you are eager to do what you want to do now. "Today's Valentine's Day, I want to ask ta out to play." "ta plays games with others, and I want to ask who this person is." "ta is ill, and I want to go to ta's house to take care of him, even if ta doesn't let me go." You don't realize that what you want to do is ultimately to meet your own needs, and it's just whitewashed by the rhetoric of "You love ta"
What's more, I will convince myself, such as this:
Is there a problem with thinking like her? Actually, there is no problem. The problem is that the end result she wants is to get back together. While doing some questions that touch the other party's principles, she also has to act like "nothing happened", accusing the other party of being rude and expressing her hopelessness.
Why bother?
No matter what the situation is, whether it is difficult to recover or easy to recover, mentality building is always the most important and basic content. I hope everyone will encourage me.
Many respondents answered this question. Our answer to this question is relatively unified, and basically most situations can be compounded. Nine times out of ten people who want to get back together will ask, "What is the probability of getting back together? Is it possible? "
Think about this problem from another angle. In fact, when two people haven't broken up, the probability of getting rid of each other is definitely greater than after breaking up. If it is not handled well, the probability is getting smaller and smaller. If the other party proposes to break up, it still doesn't do it right, which makes the other party more exclusive and the probability becomes smaller. So the "probability of recovery" is dynamic, and the probability is big or not, depending on what you do. Do it right, and the "probability" will increase; If it is not done correctly, the "probability" will become smaller and smaller, even irreversible.
And the purpose of many recycling agencies is to make a profit. How do you know they have a good chance? Is it really not difficult to repair feelings, or is it to induce you to pay? Is it really hard to say that the probability is small, or is it deliberately holding you back and not giving effective guidance?
If you really don't know if you can redeem it, you can leave a message in my comment area, or add me to WeChat to talk about the specific situation.
"ta doesn't love me anymore, and it's useless for me to do anything."
If you want to get out of this relationship and decide not to take it back, you can comfort yourself and convince yourself to give up. In fact, something must have happened when the other person changed from love to non-love. After a process of negative emotion accumulation, quantitative change leads to qualitative change. If you want the other person to love you again, something needs to happen to break the other person's negative perception of you and continue to bring him positive feelings.
There is nothing you suddenly don't love at a certain moment. If there is, it should be that the other person's brain has made up a lot from the beginning and misunderstood you. You don't like the real you. When I approached, I felt that it was not what ta wanted. This is not the type of situation that the other party likes, so we need to find out what the other party's needs are first.
In short, "he doesn't like you" is just a current state, which is as dynamic as "reconciliation probability". Whether I like you again depends on what you have done.
"To recover, you need to improve yourself first and then contact ta."
Saving is really about learning to solve problems, but it doesn't mean improving before contacting ta.
It is particularly important to note that in most cases of fake breakup between men and women, girls are usually emotional. She rebelled against you and said some cruel things, telling you to go away and leaving her alone. In fact, it is because she has been wronged and is afraid to return to that injured state.
At this time, if you literally mean "she needs to calm down", putting the other person aside and not contacting her will only give her a feeling of "you don't care", "you really want to break up" and "you don't love her". At this time, the other party will be more wronged. It's a lie. Just love in the right way. In this way, girls can digest too many emotions independently, and it is not so easy to coax them later.
Then there are some people who decide to break up, but the emotional bond is not completely broken, and it still continues the previous inertia. At this time, it is not good for the other party to break up and contact you actively. You ignore ta and immerse yourself in your own world to improve and change, which is to help the other person quit.
For most breakups, redemption and self-improvement can go hand in hand. Of course, the premise is that you have a basic understanding of each other, your stability, communication skills and flexibility will not delay your recovery, you will not easily step on the thunder to make the situation worse, or you have the ability to remedy the situation when it gets worse. Otherwise I suggest you do your homework first.
"As long as I change, I can get back together."
This is really a stupid thing. I made a fortune for a while, made an appointment with my predecessor, told my predecessor about my changes, and made up.
Except for some rational people, and your so-called promotion can be quantified, it is difficult to impress each other. What is quantifiable? If the other person thinks you are not self-disciplined, you start to exercise, lose weight, or study hard after separation and pass a difficult exam.
Not that you correct your shortcomings. Just talk to each other and they will come back. Sometimes even if you change, the other person has no feelings for you and no motivation to make a decision to "give you another chance".
Another problem is that if you don't have a good person to supervise you, your change will easily become a mere formality, and you just do what the other person says. Just changed the fur, did not change the underlying logic, in fact, still do not quite understand each other's ideas. So sometimes you communicate with each other, and it is easy for you to communicate in one direction. The more you act different from before, the less the other person feels, and even insists on letting the other person accept you. On the contrary, it proves that you still don't understand ta and don't care about ta's feelings as before.
Male rescuers have more misunderstandings on this issue, because men pay more attention to the results, while women pay more attention to the process.
In most cases, reconciliation is the result of continuous promotion of positive emotions, and it is a process of continuous contact with the other party to let the other party clearly feel. Instead of talking about things, what chips do you have in exchange for the results you want? Breaking up is really as simple as "no money" and "getting fat", but it won't be difficult for so many people.
An old problem-disconnection
Lao Fen knows, Chen Yu, that I never advocate secession. Many people seem to be in a difficult situation, and the other side is particularly exclusive. In fact, it's just because the rescuer is making trouble for the other party and forcing ta to do something that ta doesn't want to do. There is no comfort when facing you.
You don't give anything that ta wants, and you have to go against ta. You don't exclude who you exclude?
Listen to me, don't do things you shouldn't do, don't have any small moves and temptations, and the other party will naturally not reject you so much. In most cases, ta's "unfeeling" is not what you want to do, but a passive attack caused by opening the defense mechanism.
It is better to rationalize self-description than to break the chain. When the other person's negative perception of you has reached a certain degree of stubbornness, it is normal for you to ask the other person to make a self-description. In all fairness, it is difficult for a self-description to directly change the other person's negative perception of you. Even if I refresh my impression of you, it is not enough to achieve the progress you want. Many times, self-description needs to be rationalized several times, and different feedback should have different contents.
Some recovery agencies will emphasize the role and importance of disconnection. Every teacher's recovery ideas are different, and no one is right or wrong. However, in the following two situations, be careful to meet a liar:
A, as soon as you sign the contract, you are required to be disconnected from the internet for two months, three months or even six months.
Only in extreme cases, I did everything I shouldn't have done, and I was desperate, so I needed to be disconnected for so long. The probability of this extreme situation is almost 0. 1%, which is beyond the reach of ordinary people. This kind of organization will be finished if it is delayed. When you are disconnected, it may not give you substantive guidance.
B, always looking for a reason to test after disconnection, actually pulling my crotch.
After half a month to a month, some institutional teachers began to ask the redeemer to find a reason to contact each other. This is called "testing the attitude of the other party and making the next step". But I tried again and again, and I searched all the reasons for contact. I can't find anything else, but there is still no next step. Chatting with the other party can only stay in business, and if you talk about something else, you won't return or talk very embarrassed. It happened that the instructor also said that the situation was good.
C, additional costs in the process of guidance.
It's like killing a pig. A n experienced person's experience:
Do you want to form a short-term relationship with each other first?
My suggestion is that it is best not to. Generally, men and women will agree to maintain a short-term relationship after breaking up, but most women will be uncomfortable, even if they are willing at first, they will be reluctant later. Aside from some men who are "romantic and casual" and "unrestrained and love freedom", the risk of forming a short-term relationship with each other is obvious.
First of all, it is easy for the other party to meet their own needs without taking responsibility, and the redeemer is easy to be dragged on; Secondly, if a short-term relationship is formed, the rescuer is required to be more resourceful, not only to bypass the other party's psychological defense mechanism, but also to guide the other party into the cost of silence. Otherwise, it is conniving at the other party, not testing human nature, and the risk is too great.
How to do it depends on the other person's personality type and thinking mode. The method is dead and man is alive. If you don't catch someone, you are playing hooligans. For example, the one I met recently could have chatted normally and asked to meet, but the result was self-defeating:
I wrote a lot before, so I won't talk about it here. I don't know how to get back together You can look up my previous articles and give me a good review.
I made a logic diagram, and those who haven't recovered can see where the problem is. Don't say it's irreversible. I made it clear before that most cases can be saved, but what I did was wrong.
I won't say much about the rest of this picture, just say that I have arranged comfort and can have a good chat, but it is not the case of getting back together.
In the case of a conventional woman holding a man, time is running out, and the man will naturally consider reconciliation and take the initiative. If the other person just chats with you in a tepid way and avoids emotional things, it means that he still has concerns, or your initiative has made him feel good about himself, so he can wait and see, which is equivalent to treating you as a spare tire.
In the case of a man holding a woman, it is easy for the man to see that the situation is similar, take the initiative to make up, be rejected by the woman, be taken away, and return to the previous state.
Recently, I encountered a case where a boy could chat with his ex-girlfriend every day and a girl would take the initiative to find him. At this time, he felt that the situation was not bad, so he made some ambiguous jokes to test his ex-girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend resisted a little but didn't say anything unpleasant (he understood it as shyness). So he pursued the victory and said that he would pick up the girl from work, and then the girl decisively refused. After being rejected, he continued to strive for his ex-girlfriend to pick her up from work. As a result, his ex-girlfriend said, "Let's not contact."
He suddenly woke up and knew that he had crossed the line and kicked the iron plate. What should I do? I asked him to make a rational explanation, uncover the past, find an opportunity to ask out his ex-girlfriend, and successfully get back together with the self-statement I taught him in a romantic way.
So sometimes don't be discouraged when you encounter small setbacks. You just didn't do what the other person wanted you to do, and the state presented to the other person was different from what you understood. It's not that the other party doesn't give you a chance.
Something that can be redeemed is simple and simple. Understand the essential problem, and the rest will be solved. Do your own thing in a down-to-earth manner, and your efforts will not let you down.
Psychological test: test what your ex wants to say to you most.
1. Do you quarrel over trifles when you are together?
Yes, I often feel very tired.
Rarely quarrel over trifles -2
Occasionally, but we can make up soon -3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes self-reflection and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes -3
Non -4
3.will 3. TA volunteered to tell you about her troubles?
Often say -5
Not so much-4
Will you tell your parents the process of your love?
Every detail, I often spit with my parents -6
Occasionally they will say -5 when they ask.
Almost nothing to say, nothing to say-5
5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?
Everything is mine, and it is mine after all -7
If you work hard, you may succeed.
Try my best to get everything I want.
6. Did you break up because there was a third party?
Yes. -a
Seventh place
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes -d
No-c
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.