-correct your perfectionism.
A few days ago, a middle-aged man came to the consulting room. Judging from his clothes and manners, we can judge that he is a successful man in the eyes of ordinary people. The man came to consult because he felt the pressure of work and life, could no longer support himself, and had the idea of world-weariness and suicide. But he also said that considering that the child is still young, his wife can't raise it alone, and his parents are still there. If he leaves, no one will give his parents an ending. Considering these, I can't give up.
He talked to the counselor about the pressure he was facing. He is a middle-level cadre in the company, and some of his colleagues who joined the company were promoted to the position of vice president of the company. Even the younger colleagues who joined the company later were promoted to the position of middle-level cadres, which was more valued by the company boss. Compared with them, they are failures, and their existence makes them feel great pressure. In life, my house and car are not as good as my friends around me. My wife often nags in front of her about changing to a bigger house and a better car, so as to have more face in front of friends and parents. ...
We can see that the pressure of this man comes from comparing with others. I feel a lot of pressure in the process of comparing with people who are better than him. To relieve his stress, you need to use the technology of setting evaluation zero.
1. "highest standards" and "perfectionists"
There is a typical cognitive distortion in life-the highest standard. The so-called "highest standard" in cognitive distortion is to demand yourself with too high and unrealistic standards and use these standards to explain your current situation. Compared with those highest standards, you are a failure. In life, people with this kind of cognitive distortion tend to pay attention to those above themselves and ignore those below them.
This distorted cognitive way has a better name-"perfectionist". Perfectionists always demand themselves with the highest standards, always hope to be the best, and feel guilty about every flaw and deficiency of themselves. For example, if he got 92 points in an exam and got the second place, he would compare himself with the first place and blame himself for not getting the first place. Even if he is lucky enough to get the first place in the exam, he will blame himself for not getting full marks and losing 8 points. Even if he got full marks, he got a moment of pleasure and happiness. But soon he will pay attention to the next exam and whether he can win in the next exam.
2. What is the technology of setting evaluation zero?
From the above description, we can see that perfectionists or people who hold the "highest standards" always compare their present situation with the highest standards, thus making themselves feel stressed and frustrated. If we can compare them with lower standards, they will have a positive emotional experience.
When evaluating the temperature of "water", we set boiling water as 100 degree and ice-water mixture as 0 degree. Referring to these two endpoint values, we can set each intermediate temperature to 0- 100 degrees. Life is the same. Compared not only with the highest standard, but also with the lowest standard. Only by comparing them at the same time can we get a more objective understanding.
The so-called technology of setting evaluation zero point is to choose a lower point as evaluation reference point, which is evaluation zero point (not perfect point). By comparing the client's present situation with zero (not perfect), the client can feel satisfied and happy immediately, which can also make him realize that he has high requirements for himself and the comparison standard is inappropriate, thus resulting in psychological motivation to change the evaluation standard-the highest standard.
3. Set the steps to evaluate zero technology
Setting evaluation zero points is mainly aimed at the cognitive distortion of customers' "highest standards". Therefore, customers should first realize that they have the highest standard of cognitive distortion, then discuss with customers to set different evaluation zero points, compare their current situation with zero points, and then ask customers about their emotional experience. Finally, from the positive emotional experience brought by the change of comparison standard, the parties can be guided to realize that their problems lie in comparison standard, thus prompting them to change the single evaluation standard.
For example, a student hoped to get 650 points in the first mock exam in the city, but only got 628 points, because the score did not meet expectations and he was very depressed. Here, we made her realize that she was not satisfied with the score of 628, because she compared the score with the highest standard (ideal standard 650, here is not a full score of 750). Next, the counselor guided him to set 500 points as evaluation zero points and asked her how she felt about 628 points. She said it was not bad. Then we divided the evaluation zero into 450,400,352 (the lowest score in the whole grade) and asked her how she felt. She said she was feeling better and better. Finally, I discussed with her the enlightenment of changing feelings with different zero-point contrast, and she realized that it was the contrast standard that bothered her.
4. Application example of setting evaluation zero point technology
We take the problem of men's work stress at the beginning of this article as an example to illustrate its application.
The counselor said to him, I noticed that your work stress seems to come from comparing with others. You mentioned colleagues who were promoted to vice president, and young colleagues who came from behind.
The party concerned replied: Yes.
The counselor went on to say: when you compare yourself with others, you use a higher standard, not a lower standard. If we compare the same thing with higher or lower standards, the conclusion will be different. For example, a cup of 30-degree warm water may be cold if compared with the standard ratio of 100 degree boiling water, and may be hot if compared with the standard ratio of 0 degree ice water. Do you think so?
Customer: Yes.
Consultant: We see that compared with the vice president's colleagues, do you use higher standards or lower standards?
Customer: The standard is higher.
Consultant: How do you feel?
Customer: No, I'm depressed. I feel inferior to him.
Consultant: Are there any colleagues in your company who are ordinary employees?
Customer: Yes.
Consultant: Who is he?
Customer: Xiao Liu from the sales department.
Consultant: Compare your situation with his and tell me the comparison result.
Client: Xiao Liu is an ordinary employee, and his income and treatment are not as good as mine.
Consultant: How do you feel after comparing with Xiao Liu?
Customer: I feel good and confident.
Consultant: We have just applied the "Zero Assessment Technique". This technology reminds us not to compare our situation with a higher standard, but to set a lower standard. This standard is zero. When we compare our situation with zero, we will feel much better. Do you think so?
Customer: Yes.
Consultant: Next, continue to apply the "zero-setting evaluation technology". Are there any colleagues with lower income than Xiao Liu?
Customer: Yes, I'm Xiao Wang from their office. He just joined the company last year.
Counselor: How do you feel comparing your situation with his?
Customer: I am more confident. I feel good and relaxed.
Consultant: To sum up briefly, you feel stressed and unhappy because you compare yourself with a higher vice president and you adopt higher standards. Once you compare yourself with Liu and Wang, you will feel more confident and relaxed. You feel relaxed and confident because you have adopted lower standards. Do you think so?
Customer: Yes.
Consultant: What do you think makes you happy and relaxed?
Client: Compared with people lower than yourself?
Consultant: Yes. However, when you compare yourself with a higher standard, you can then compare yourself with a lower standard, so that you can quickly correct your negative emotions. Of course, comparing the two standards, your understanding is more objective.
After some discussion, customers realize that their stress problems come from the "highest standards" and learn to compare themselves with lower standards by using the "zero-setting evaluation technology", which can help them get out of the negative emotional state quickly. Let customers give up the highest standard evaluation habit, which needs to be solved in the core belief stage. This problem will be solved after consultation.