Arranging instead means that parents completely replace their children to do many things that children can do, and at the same time, they do not cultivate their ability and skills to live independently, but cultivate their dependence psychology. The child can eat by himself, but the mother has to feed the child. The child has gone to primary school and can dress himself. But the mother always seems to be afraid that the child can't do well, can't bear to let the child face difficulties, and is afraid of wasting time. The author once participated in a small kindergarten class. At that time, the children performed "Cat Fishing". Every child wears a kitten headdress and runs to the queue. On the other side of the line, there are many small wooden fish. After fishing, they ran back and put them in a fish basket. To repeat, many parents see that their children are not as good as other children and run to help. Suddenly the order was chaotic, and the children simply stopped fishing and just watched their mother do it. On the surface and from the immediate point of view, arranged substitution seems to be beneficial to children, sometimes saving time, but it is very unfavorable to children in the long run, because it deprives children of the opportunity to practice, prevents them from exercising, and hinders their growth.
Excessive control means that parents exercise direct and as complete control as possible over their children. I'm afraid it's dangerous for children to run around, so I should try to limit them. Children's activities are confined to the bedroom or living room, or around them, at most not beyond their sight. Children who want to go outdoors freely or play with their neighbors are always not allowed. This cuts off all influences from outside the family. Even when I go out, I always hold my child and never give up. It seems that children are not allowed to play with other children because they are afraid of being bullied and adversely affected. Some mothers even forbid fathers to take care of their children. It seems that she will only be satisfied if the child is completely under personal control. This kind of mother is the absolute authority over children, emphasizing that children should be obedient and obedient, restraining children with various rules and regulations, interfering with their personal will, and preventing and stopping their independent actions. Parents constantly "judge" and punish their children's behavior, and often issue various instructions and bans, such as not being naughty, noisy, running, sitting, touching here and there, and not sitting up straight. This happens all the time in my clinic. Sometimes parents will correct a child together, such as "don't move", "see a doctor", "speak up" and "be rude". The doctor pointed out that there were too many criticisms, so the parents paused for a while and then began to criticize and correct endlessly.
Overprotective mothers tend to treat their children naively, that is, treat them much younger than their actual age. This kind of mother and child have too much physical contact and are too close. How old am I? I often snuggle in my arms for a long time, like a baby. In my clinic, there are often boys in junior high school or even senior high school who have to sleep with their mothers, otherwise they can't sleep and are prone to psychological problems. In addition to excessive physical contact, another manifestation of childishness is that mothers like to use their children's language when talking to their children, and some words are almost understood by only mothers and sons. Mothers always call their children "little baby" and "my dear child". Children still use their birth names even though they have entered middle school or even grown up.
The adverse effects of overprotection on children are various and far-reaching, which are briefly described as follows:
1. Poor independent living ability.
As a result, children have no chance to practice and exercise, and as a result, they are clumsy and naive, and even can't take care of their personal lives. Some middle school students and even college students can't wash clothes, sew buttons or even cook noodles, let alone go shopping in the market.
2. "Socialization" is insufficient, mainly in childhood.
Puberty is characterized by low social skills, lack of motivation to communicate with others or excessive shyness, and difficulties in social adaptation.
In the United States, if only one or none of the following five items are met, it means that the degree of socialization of children is low:
(1) Have at least one friend of the same age and keep friendship for at least six months.
(2) Being able to actively help others without seeing any immediate benefits.
(3) Feeling guilty or regretful (when he did something wrong and caused obvious adverse consequences but was not found). )
(4) Others can forgive others for doing things that are unfavorable or unfavorable to them, and do not blame others or complain.
(5) Care about the welfare of friends or companions, or be able to share the happiness of others (such as being happy for others' birthdays, doing well in exams, winning prizes, etc.). , and actively congratulate others).
Obviously, it is a serious situation that excessive protection leads to insufficient socialization of children, because socialization is also the behavioral process of the embryonic form of healthy personality.
Teenagers who grow up under excessive protection may get excellent school results, but once they leave school and enter the society, they will encounter all kinds of insurmountable difficulties, and their knowledge and technology will not be brought into play. Because they don't understand the world at all, they can't handle all kinds of interpersonal relationships, exchange information and cooperate with others, let alone their organizational ability.
3. Sexual psychology is immature. Children brought up in different generations are so dependent on their grandparents that their feelings are completely fixed on the elderly. So that he can't establish lasting emotional ties with others, even his parents don't have deep feelings
4. egocentric. Being in the center or the first position at home always makes children have a firm view, attitude and behavior pattern centered on "I", do not know others, let alone care about others, and never consider problems from others' perspective. Childhood egoism is likely to become the core of an extremely unhealthy and hard-to-change personality in adulthood.
5. Irresponsible behavior. Over-control often leads to children's experience of being not free and depressed, and sometimes uncontrollable impulses erupt, and all kinds of reckless behaviors that violate morality or law come out. Playing truant, fighting, lying and cheating, stealing, etc. It is common among overprotective children and adolescents. This kind of behavior is a relief for the actor, and the behavior itself is accompanied by the pleasure of breaking through the bondage. In this way, every behavior is strengthened by pleasure, so it is easy to become a habit. Children live under excessive protection, and everything seems to be satisfied, but at the expense of personal independence and freedom, children feel unhappy and uncomfortable. But I don't know how his unhappiness and unhappiness came from. I can only realize that venting can make him feel happy. Therefore, such children often have blind destructive or aggressive behavior. Afterwards, the child knows that it is wrong, but it still happens every once in a while, but he doesn't know the root cause of repeated mistakes, and he doesn't know where to start if he wants to correct it. Even parents and teachers can't figure out why. However, if children are separated from their parents for a period of time, such as going to a summer camp for a few weeks, children's independent spirit will be temporarily brought into play, freedom will not be restricted, curiosity and creativity will be encouraged, and irresponsible behavior will naturally decrease or even disappear.
It is worth noting that once a child has irresponsible destructive or aggressive behavior, it must be analyzed and characterized in detail, find the root cause and solve it in time. Otherwise, it will be difficult to recover, and the problem will be serious. Parents and teachers often pay attention to reasoning with their children and help them distinguish right from wrong. Actually, the key is often not here. Children don't know that swearing, beating, playing truant and stealing are wrong. The problem is that if following the rules means acting according to parents' instructions and prohibitions, it means not being free, and in the disciplined behavior, children will feel uncomfortable. Any form of "running amok" means breaking through the constraints and means freedom. In fact, children will experience pleasure in this behavior. This is the mystery of the child's abnormal behavior. Children's behavior is for pleasure, which is called satisfying internal purpose in psychology, just as children jump for pleasure.
6. bivalent dependence. Overprotection will make children strongly dependent on their parents. The details of life also need parents to do for them, so there is no spiritual independence, only emotional dependence. Such children leave home to study at school in adolescence, which can induce depression (parting depression), manifested as depression, restlessness and listlessness. When I go back to my parents, I will recover. The so-called homesickness and homesickness are such situations. Some parents interfere and restrict their children's independence and freedom too much, which leads to children's unhappiness and dissatisfaction with their parents. Strong dependence and high dissatisfaction coexist at the same time, which is generally called bivalent dependence. This kind of psychology has been rooted in childhood, but it began to be obvious and sharp in adolescence. In some people, bivalent dependence has become an important aspect of their personality core, and it is constantly manifested in the interaction with others, which constitutes a kind of conflicting personality. In any case, people who are bivalent are prone to serious psychological conflicts, that is, to suffer from neurosis. Binary dependence was initially limited to children and their parents, and later it was easily extended to other interpersonal relationships. For example, such people also have binary dependence on leaders. On the one hand, he depends on the leadership to give advice and instructions in everything. When the leader leaves for a day, he will feel lost and can't start working. On the other hand, it is easy to be dissatisfied with the leader, disgusted that the leader is too dead, does not attach importance to his talents, does not respect his authority, and so on. For another example, this kind of person also has bivalent dependence on his spouse after marriage, that is, he depends on his spouse for everything and cannot leave his spouse emotionally. At the same time, he is dissatisfied with his spouse like a leader and complains that his spouse has not left him any room for free activities.
Overprotection is a bad upbringing, and its manifestations and consequences have been simply explained above. Now, let's discuss its roots.
Generally speaking, overprotection mainly or completely comes from the mother. It is rare for a father to overprotect his children. An overprotective mother is a person whose basic needs are not met, so it can be said that she is somewhat morbid. Overprotection of children is only a kind of compensation to meet their own needs. This kind of maternal love has the desire to be loved, but the active love for her husband is insufficient (the ability of active love is low or the motivation is suppressed). Therefore, the demand for love has turned to children. They are eager for their children's love. It seems that only children who are loyal to them, tame them and never give up can stop their emotional hunger. Overprotection is both an end and a means. Overprotection itself gives the mother emotional satisfaction, so it is an end in itself. Over-protection makes children dependent on their mothers and can better meet their emotional needs, so it is also a means. Not cultivating children's life ability and skills, limiting children's freedom and range of activities, excessively intimate physical contact, and treating children as babies are all to meet the emotional needs of mothers. Some mothers use a technique called "conditional love" to make their children yield: when children show emotional dependence on their mothers, mothers will give affirmation and return with maternal love; If the child shows the tendency of independence and freedom, the mother will not give love, and even stop and criticize immediately. In short, the overprotective mother tried to have her children completely.
In the eyes of onlookers, the fact and harm of overprotection are easy to see and understand, but the overprotective mother herself lacks self-knowledge and can't listen to different opinions. So most of the overprotection can't be corrected. Usually children have obvious emotional, behavioral or moral obstacles, or the contradiction between mother and child is sharp, they will turn to relevant experts for help. My clinic often meets such consultants. In fact, the problem is first exposed to children, but the root cause lies in parents. The best way is prevention, that is, pre-marital education, pre-training and psychological counseling for mothers.