Love is simple, but it is too difficult to get along with.
"Why have two people been together for a long time and their feelings are getting weaker and weaker?"
"When we were together, we talked about everything, and our eyes were full of each other. Life is full of romance, but now we accidentally touch our hands, just like our left hand touches our right hand. Dating has become a simple meal, and our interest in each other is getting weaker and weaker. "
When the passion and sweetness are over, the two people inevitably enter a dull period. Love lights up because you don't take care of each other's emotional needs.
When there is less blushing, heartbeat and uncertainty between us, what is ushered in?
Because we know each other better, feel more secure and have a more stable relationship.
But often many girls don't understand this truth and often leave messages with me complaining that their boyfriends are not as enthusiastic, care about me and don't love me as before.
I understand that you want to find a man who will never die, but the hormone of love has a shelf life. The essence of love is a roller coaster. Where there are peaks, there must be valleys, and where there is love, there must be dullness.
If you are still in a dull period and demand each other by the standard of passionate love, then you will inevitably have contradictions and conflicts.
Let's tell the true story around me. My friend Lili recently took off her order and found a considerate and gentle "little nurse dog". She often prepares surprises and gifts for her. Lily was very happy to share these happiness with Aru, but Aru didn't feel happy, but had a big fight with her boyfriend because of these things.
Aru and her boyfriend have been together since college. It's almost five years this year. Her boyfriend is a simple and direct programmer. Coupled with the increasing pressure of work, they even have a romantic date. Aru talked about Lili's story and hoped that her boyfriend would care more about himself. Unexpectedly, her boyfriend complained to her in turn: "After being together for so long, don't you know my character?" I can't do those fancy things, can't I live a good life? "
Aru suddenly exploded: "you used to care about me, but now you are too lazy to do anything." Sure enough, men are like this. If you get it, you will not cherish it! " So the two began to quarrel, cold war.
I calmed Aru's mood and told her that it was not love that changed, it was you.
As far as I know, Aru has experienced a lot in recent years. At first, she wanted to go abroad for development, but later she wanted to start her own business. Every time, her boyfriend raised his hand to support her and stayed with her silently. Even in the most difficult situation, she never said she would give up on each other, only this time.
"Do you think he really doesn't love you?"
Aru answered me affirmatively after a minute's silence: "I think he still loves me very much."
He still says good night to me every night, but I don't feel as gentle as in the past;
We still hug before each parting, but I feel that I am completing the task;
You complain that love is getting less and less passionate and less interesting and sweet. In fact, it has nothing to do with love, but you are becoming less and less sensitive. Psychologically, this phenomenon is called sensory asaptation, which means that when you face the same stimulus for a long time, your sensory stimulus will become smaller and smaller.
Therefore, long-term love should not only look at the superficial reasons, but also accept the test you face: can we treat intimacy rationally, can we clearly identify what love is and what I want from you?
If you want to repair your feelings, my suggestion is to give a detailed reply to your past feelings first:
Passion fades, and the love between two people turns into family affection or stronger feelings, which is inevitable. Is it really emotional or thinking problems to think calmly? If there is a problem, are you capable of solving it? What's the other person's attitude towards you now? If the difference is too big, do you still have the courage to save it? If you still have the determination to save it, I strongly support you to try, because there is hope after trying. It would be a pity to miss it in vain. I also have some targeted suggestions to help you:
The first stage: breaking the deadlock
This stage can be said to be the focus of our recovery. If you continue to care about the other person because of his words in the process of recovery and ask him to move, you will involuntarily return to the mode of getting along with him in the past. Then your relationship will always stay on "she is my ex", and the final result will be more boring and labeled.
So when the other person is still avoiding you, you might as well do the opposite and just say, "You are so boring. Am I wrong and you are right? "
Maybe many people, seeing this, will have a little hesitation: "If I say this, he will definitely explode in an instant. Will he hack me? "
That's right. What we want is his explosion.
In front of you, you have made it clear that I want to save you, and I still love your wishes. He has decided in his heart: "You can't leave me at all." That's why he is ruthless and indifferent to you again and again.
Only by breaking the game can we make progress. Of course, you have to have a clear logic. Let me give an example: "I say this because I have paid a lot in this relationship, and I am very sad after breaking up." My salvation is because I don't want us to miss it in vain, but your behavior hurts me. Although I still love you, I can't stop waiting for you. "
This has two functions: first, to test each other's emotions, the more excited they are, the stronger their feelings for me, which is conducive to recovery; Second: he has received your signal-"I will leave at any time, and I intend to give up on you", so that he can calm down and face up to your feelings instead of blindly targeting you with bad emotions.
The second stage: eliminate bad reviews
In the previous stage, we have successfully diverted each other's attention emotionally.
Next, we must take action before each other.
How to do it specifically? You can refer to this passage: "I've thought about it for a long time, but I still want to apologize to you." I was too impulsive at that time and regretted it afterwards. Now I figured it out. Maybe separation was the right decision. There are indeed many contradictions between us. I hope you can have a good life in the future. Don't take everything to heart. You can still contact me if you need help. We are still friends. "
The overall logic is: sorry after losing control of emotions+I have completely put it down+I respect your decision+my blessing to you.
Because he is in the swing stage at this time, you take the initiative to throw an introduction and tell the other person that I really only regard you as a friend, which can help him understand his feelings for you more directly, and your calm attitude will make him start to reflect: Is my previous evaluation of you too subjective? There are still many things I don't understand.
At the same time, you should start to try something you have never done before and post it in your circle of friends, because you used to be lovers, and he has a "default understanding" of you in his heart. Now we break his cognition step by step, and he will start to be curious about us and unconsciously approach you.
The third stage: comfortable bedding.
For example, "Your favorite actor recently released a new movie, didn't he?" "You told me before that you wanted to find a joint sweater. Is it XXX? "
We can take the initiative to find some topics of mutual interest to make them feel that their value still exists, but it is most appropriate for us to create a relaxed atmosphere for your relations, instead of revealing the desire for temporary reunification.
But you can give him some small signals from the frequency. For example, I used to chat with you until you were sleepy, but now I'm sleepy and say good night first.
Do something that echoes the previous story, but because the relationship has changed, my attitude has also changed.
The fourth stage: guide the other side to approach actively.
At this time, we can start to properly expose the sense of demand, and we can also talk about some emotional topics to create an ambiguous feeling in your relations.
For example, we use memories: "Remember the last movie we watched together? We played video games together that day, and now we all feel so happy when we think about it. There is a sequel recently. Do you want to go and have a look together? "
You can also reveal some needs, tell each other his importance, and start a topic around these aspects:
Ask for help, only he can help; I still remember our important habits or days; I will still mention you to people around me; There are many places in our lives that need to be intertwined. In this way, you can inadvertently guide each other: you can get close to me, but you can't.
Next, as long as we upgrade the ambiguous relationship, your reunion is not far away, and you can earn two or three times the gains and losses. For example, I lost my mobile phone today and was disconnected all day; I'm too busy at work today. I really didn't mean not to reply. Deepen his impulse to "possess" you as soon as possible.
Finally, I want to tell you that only when your love penetrates the hard defense and enters the deeper truth will you arouse real passion.
It's like some couples go into the consulting room and complain to each other, but they cry after consulting.
Because I provided them with a space to express their real needs and let them express their sincerity and softness, they had the opportunity to hug each other again.
The initial passion of love comes from our expectation of each other, and the subsequent passion comes from our truth. After we have contradictions and differences, we still stick to our original intentions. This is the real intimacy.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.