"I'm unlucky. I always meet good people. Shortly after the start of freshman year, a boy wrote me a love letter, declaring that he really loved me. I was moved by his love letter, so I dedicated myself to my first love. Unexpectedly, he soon got tired of our love and said that I was too pestering him and didn't give him free space. He left me resolutely before I came to my senses. I was sad when another boy approached me. I feel that I really need the comfort of boys, so I naturally transferred my feelings to No.2. After a slightly happy day, I met my ex-girlfriend No.2 by chance. She was going to tell me that she got him pregnant, and she had an abortion on the 2 nd, and she didn't even pay for the operation. Later, I gradually found that the second boy was selfish and stingy, so I broke up with him on my own initiative. Then I feel empty. I managed to survive the winter vacation. Once I went skating alone and met a very graceful man. He enthusiastically taught me the skills of figure skating and invited me to chat in the coffee shop many times. He said that his love life is very rough. He and his wife have been separated for two years and just finished the divorce procedure. I feel that he and I are in the same boat, so I can't help falling into his arms. When school started, he generously rented me an apartment near the school, where we often met. Soon I got pregnant. I think the policy has allowed college students to get married, so I decided to marry him and urged him to go through the divorce formalities quickly. But he advised me to have an abortion first, saying that his divorce was complicated and might take some time. Suddenly I was so confused that I had to tell my mother the truth. My mother was shocked and scolded first, and then she insisted on accompanying me to have an abortion operation, insisting that I break up with that man, or my mother would break up with me. But I can't make up my mind! On the one hand, the man is still very kind to me and promised to marry me; Secondly, I can't imagine how I would live without him! Teacher Chen, to be honest, I am already a woman hovering between life and death, and no one can save me. "
After listening to Xiaoli's story, I was both sympathetic and worried. Her emotional dependence on men has reached a morbid level, which cannot be solved by "enlightening". She needs psychotherapy to break the established vicious circle.
Considering that Xiaoli's emotional crisis implies some danger, I have to go to see her mother and persuade her to relax her attitude towards her daughter, because scolding and "the last spy" may push Xiaoli to the wall. Under the persuasion of her mother and me, Xiaoli agreed to temporarily live in the psychiatric department of a hospital. First of all, she was a little weak after the abortion and needed to be nursed back to health. Secondly, she needs systematic psychotherapy.
Xiao Li's experience really touched me. In fact, how many Xiaoli are destroyed and how many Xiaoli are struggling. Last year and the year before last, I was invited to participate in the "Love Fence" exhibition organized by the National Committee for the Care of the Next Generation, and gave lectures on the love and spouse selection of contemporary young men and women to college students in Beijing, Guangdong and Shanghai. There were hundreds to thousands of students present, and numerous written and oral questions were received during the speech, and individual consultations returned to the hotel were endless. The confusion between "Xiao Li" and "Xiao Gang" is similar. The problems, confusion, misguided and even ruined life of contemporary college students are obviously torturing our education, including family education, school education and social education. Among them, the pre-love education and pre-marriage education of boys and girls and young men and women are completely lacking, and the resulting consequences are constantly exposed in the media and even hyped up. Have government authorities, even families and communities paid attention to these issues? No, so the tragedy of Xiaoli and Xiaogang continues to be interpreted.
After Xiao Li was hospitalized, I had further communication with her mother and doctors and reached some understanding. As a marriage researcher, I would like to put forward some opinions here for discussion.
First, when boys and girls reach puberty, they should be encouraged to communicate openly with the opposite sex, so that they can have an appropriate opportunity to release the "waiting" physical and psychological pressure. Chasing and intercepting the natural communication between boys and girls with the stick of "puppy love" may just make some young men and women who have accumulated strong physical and mental pressure eagerly regard the physical and mental reaction between the opposite sex as "love" and even be obsessed. This may be the initial reason why Xiaoli and Xiaogang were frustrated.
Second, Xiaoli's parents divorced when she was three years old. Single mothers and only daughters have lived together for nearly twenty years. Xiaoli's inner "father's love and hunger" made her fall into the arms of the boy who made her feel concerned and considerate when she was a freshman. In the end, this man made her feel more mature and reliable. Although she was injured, she couldn't help herself. In fact, Xiaoli is not so much in love as seeking to "replace her father" and compensate for her lost fatherly love.
Third, it is necessary to offer "marriage and love classes" to college and middle school students, and scientifically and positively explain the knowledge of friendship, love, sexual health, sexual safety, mate selection and marriage between the opposite sex, so that they can have the rationality, wisdom, ability and skills to deal with major issues in life. This is even more important than their qualification training for job hunting and earning a living. Because, the career is a while, and the happiness of love and marriage is a lifetime. Regrettably, until today, children's education is basically to prepare for finding a job and making a living in the future; As for how to fall in love and get married, how to be a husband and wife, and how to be a parent, children have no formal way to ask for advice, but can only "cross the river by feeling the stones", or absorb unscientific, untrue, distorted and harmful information in various media, which delays their lives.
Fourth, the common sense of "love addiction" introduced by Xiaoli psychologist is worth knowing by psychological counselors, psychological counseling teachers and parents of teenagers. The shadow of "love addiction" can be seen in those patients who commit suicide because of lovelorn or some severe depression. Patients are often accompanied by the fear of "I can't live without them"; Someone's troubles can shake a patient's life. The patient shows an incompetent state of losing self, freedom, will and choice, and becomes a "parasite", that is, living entirely by the existence of another person; They are not confident, have no self-esteem, and don't think they have the value of independent existence, so they become the shadow of others. Such people always desperately seek to be loved and have no strength to love others. He (she) is like a person tortured by hunger, indiscriminately devouring all the food caught in front of him, even drugs. They seem to have an insatiable appetite, which makes the "suppliers" feel helpless and powerless. They will only take, not give, and will eventually disappoint or even anger those who accompany them. Their so-called "love" not only stifles their independence, but also stifles each other. How can such "love" not go to the road of death?
I sincerely hope that young friends who are seeking true love, parents and teachers who are helping and blessing their children to get love, can seriously explore and teach their children the real connection of love, and lead young people to a healthy and happy road of love and marriage through positive experience and negative lessons.