A mother who is not angry can make a child with a good personality;
Our jokes are infectious. A smiling mother can easily cultivate a smiling child, and the child's personality determines all his development to a certain extent, because personality determines fate. When the mother's mood is calm and stable, children will be more confident, less afraid and afraid, have a stronger sense of security and will not feel inferior, so it is easy to look at the ups and downs of life with a more optimistic attitude. Teacher Wu Zhihong, a psychologist, said: Mom is the baby's mirror. In other words, when a child sees his mother, it is equivalent to seeing himself. Recently, I read a parenting book "How Children Succeed: Perseverance, Curiosity and the Potential Power of Personality" written by American Paul Tough. In it, the author also mentioned a point. When he talked about his children, he realized that children would master the skills of reading and writing sooner or later, especially under the influence of parents who love reading. Don't worry that children's ability in this area can't be achieved. What parents really care about is the cultivation of children's personality, which is the development of children's life. Then, the most direct and critical factor in the cultivation of children's good character is the mother's good mood.
Bad-tempered parents will have many negative effects on their children's later life:
There is a book called "The Art of Love" (Fromm), which was also recommended by Yin Jianli. The author's main point is that love is an ability. The acquisition of this ability mainly depends on whether the love parents give their children is healthy or not. If children don't get healthy love from childhood, they will have all kinds of life problems when they grow up, such as boys' indifference or violence in marriage, girls' emotional confidence and desire for control. And parents' good mood is the best hotbed to cultivate the ability of love. Anger is a disease. Being angry occasionally is a bit like catching a cold and having a fever. It's not a big problem. Just take a few pills. If you are often angry, you will be in big trouble, which will not only affect your child's physical and mental health, but also be extremely unfavorable to your own health. You should make up your mind to treat it well.
Then, in the process of parenting, why does mother get angry?
If you want to solve the problem, you must first explore the cause of the problem, and so does anger. This is a bit like studying history, such as World War I, where students are usually asked to tell why, where and when things happened. A mother losing her temper with her child is a war in a sense. Then wars generally have subjective reasons as well as objective factors such as environment.
Parents' reasons:
Different people will handle the same thing in different ways. Similarly, in the face of the same problem, some mothers will be angry, and some mothers may not be angry. Therefore, the mother's personality characteristics have a lot to do with anger. I was among a group of mothers the other day. A mother said that because her six-year-old daughter threw toys everywhere, she wouldn't listen and hit her daughter in the mouth. In my opinion, it is normal for children to leave things about. Without special training and careful guidance, it is difficult for children to form the habit of putting things in order at an early age. It is a serious problem to say that they don't listen to the face. It's the mother's personality, and there's nothing wrong with the child. The same thing, a more patient mother may be different. Talk to your child, or tell her what to say. If your child intentionally destroys toys, you can use some other punishment measures. For example, if you destroy a doll, you can say, "The baby is too rude to the doll. She is very sad and doesn't want to play with you." ? Like the mother in the case, she is obviously irritable, so she is easy to get angry and get angry easily.
Reasons for having children:
In this regard, I want to make it clear that no matter what the child does, the highest way to deal with it is never to get angry, because getting angry is out of control, and emotional out of control will never solve the problem. Then, there are really naughty children in the world. Just like parents have different personalities, these little angels come to us with personalities, some of them are particularly shy and introverted, and some are particularly lively and active. There is a book called Parents Can't Be Too Weak, written by American Dobson. His view is that some children are born docile, while others are born stubborn. There is such a passage in the book: "Most mothers know that there is a big difference between docile and stubborn children, and they can almost be said to come from two different planets. One will tire your chest, and the other will kick your navel; One is a natural sweetheart, and the other is as hot as boiling magma; One will obey, the other wants others to obey. It is conceivable that their work styles will be completely different, just like two completely different orchestras. " ? Therefore, the child's personality is also the fuse of mother's anger. If you meet a stubborn child, you need more patience, tolerance and brain power.
Environmental and other objective factors:
In addition to the personality of parents and children, there are also environmental factors. This refers not only to the family environment and social environment, but also to the humanistic environment. For example, whether it involves a third party, such as the child's grandmother, and whether the mother was particularly tired at work that day, maybe she just suffered a lot of grievances. In this case, the naughty little troublemaker even ran into a gun. Then there are particularly important moments, important travel arrangements, and it is easy to be dissatisfied with the child's state. Many times, the mother will find that the more anxious the child is, the more procrastinating the child is, and the more anxious the mother is. ? In addition to these, there are all kinds of small family situations, so I won't list them here.
First of all, because of our parents, we need to see ourselves clearly and know ourselves.
Some people may ask: How can I not know myself? In fact, many people don't know themselves, such as the mother mentioned in my previous example. In fact, her fundamental problem is that she doesn't realize the real me in her heart. There is a sentence in teacher Zhang Defen's book "Meeting Unknown Oneself": "Dear, there is no one outside, only myself. All external things are the result of your internal investment. " ? Therefore, it is essential to know yourself, your personality, your shortcomings, what you are afraid of, what is your biggest difficulty at present, and even what is the biggest injury you have suffered when you grow up. What I mean here is mainly the injury from your parents. Only by making such a rational and comprehensive analysis and having a comprehensive understanding of yourself can we not bring emotions into parenting. Let's give a very simple example. Have you ever heard some mothers say: I was often beaten when I was a child, so I understand the fear of children being beaten and swear never to beat them. This is a typical case. A mother summed up her pain in family of origin, trying to avoid the tragedy from happening to her children. Then, if parents have a clear understanding of themselves, such as understanding that their personality has always been impatient, they should always remind themselves to cultivate their spirituality and calm their temper. You can improve your self-cultivation by reading, jogging, doing yoga, listening to music and practicing calligraphy. First of all, you should be calm, then you will be calm in parenting, and the chance of losing your temper will naturally decrease.
Child: What a good angel he is when he sees a child.
After seeing yourself clearly and knowing yourself, you need to see your children clearly. Teacher Wu Zhihong said: When you see a child, you will see love. I remember that a few days before my son was discharged from the hospital, the child was always awake at night, which made me very tired. I read a parenting book that it is a process for a mother to know her baby in the first half of her life. Through this process, we can find out whether the child's personality is quiet and clever or naughty and active. It's a pity that my son is the latter, so now that I know, I don't need to complain about anything except patience. So do older children. What kind of angel is he? If the child is naturally shy, the mother should not get angry because the child is not active in kindergarten; If he is extroverted and active, his mother will know that it is not easy for him to calm down and it is normal to violate the law in class. As parents, what we need to do is to carry forward the advantages of children's personality and try our best to help them make up for their shortcomings. Therefore, understanding and accepting children is the first step. Knowing the child's personality, the mother will know what problems the child is prone to because of chronic temper and what problems are prone to because of acute temper, and then face these problems with the child.
1.？ Help: Mom is not Superman. Remember to ask relatives and friends for help when she is under great pressure, has work problems or is particularly tired. Even chatting and pouring out bad emotions in advance are helpful for healthy interaction with children.
2.？ When there are important arrangements, communicate with children in advance: sometimes our schedule will be ignored because of the small children. We can't ask children to cooperate with their actions in a short time. If you tell your children in advance, dear, we need to get up at five o'clock tomorrow morning to catch the plane. Mom needs your help and needs to get up early. The attitude should be sincere, and most children will feel their mother's mood and actively cooperate.
3.？ Pay attention to communication methods: kneel down and look directly into the child's eyes; Use more questions to solicit opinions and avoid imperative tone; Use polite language, etc. In fact, we also like others to treat ourselves in the same way: respect and understanding.
4.？ Mother's attitude should be rational, not angry but threatening, and both sides should be honest. We say we can't lose our temper, but that doesn't mean giving up our principles. Love for children is unconditional, but principles must be emphasized. If the two sides have an agreement on one thing, they will follow the agreement. A mother can't break a contract, and a child shouldn't be shameless. To some extent, this is also helping children learn the correct way of doing things.
5.？ Mothers should know how to show weakness to children: if mothers are lazy and don't do everything for children, children will have the opportunity to improve their hands-on ability; If the mother is stupid and knows nothing, the child will take the initiative to think; If the mother is slow and nagging from time to time, the child will calm down and prepare carefully. Mothers should cooperate and nourish their children's growth like water.
Here, I also want to point out that it is normal to lose your temper occasionally. Don't blame yourself. Calm down and communicate with your child. You will find that after communicating with love, children will immediately understand and forgive their mother's anger at themselves. Yes, children are really angels in our lives. Their hearts are full of innocence and kindness. They will always choose to trust and forgive their mothers.
Small examples in life
I want to give an example. My daughter flew to America with me for the first time when she was over three years old. When she passed the security check in Los Angeles, we had to wait in line for over an hour. Because of fatigue and drowsiness, she kept asking for a hug. Later, with this experience, I came to America with her last year. I explained to her in advance the possible difficulties and needed to wake her up to queue up. I said: Mom wants her daughter's support and help. Because I'm seven months pregnant, it's hard to hold her in the middle. As a result, we changed planes twice, and after 25 hours on the road, my legs were swollen with fatigue. At the age of four, she gritted her teeth and stuck with me to the end. No matter how sleepy and tired she was, she didn't cry. I am grateful and touched. Boy, that's so considerate!
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In The Road Few People Walk, the author scott parker said, "Life is full of hardships." Only by accepting this reality can we have more courage to face life. Then, in parenting, children are naughty by nature and need to grow up slowly. As mothers, we should also accept this reality and calm down to face his confusion and future with our children.