Chapter 1: Marriage deteriorates with symptoms.
Chapter 2: When the "more suitable person" appears.
Chapter 3: Jealousy tenderly.
Chapter four: make peace for the body after quarreling.
The deterioration of husband and wife's marriage is symptomatic, not without reason. Then a bunch of couples can change their marital status if they can find that their marriage has changed and learn in time.
Marriage has deteriorated and there are symptoms.
It was a sunny Saturday morning in Seattle. Listening to Bach's "Brandenburg Concerto No.4" played on the CD player, a newly married couple drank Starbucks coffee and looked at the slowly moving boat outside through the window overlooking Lake Washington. At this time, they can no longer concentrate on reading the newspaper.
This painting is very pleasant. Under their clothes, there is a detector attached to the skin to record their heart rate, and there is a small instrument that can measure the amount of perspiration. Their every movement, expression and conversation are recorded by three cameras on the wall for researchers hiding behind one-way glass to analyze. Tomorrow, they will do a blood sample analysis.
This is not an enviable waterfront apartment, but a psychology laboratory at the University of Washington. The newlyweds are the subjects of Dr. John Goldman's research. Dr. gotman and his research team have been studying marriage with high-tech equipment for more than 20 years. They can identify which marriages can be improved and which will continue to deteriorate. Surprisingly, their prediction accuracy is as high as 95%.
By observing how couples deal with their conflicts, gotman Bo Tu can find out the reasons for the breakdown of marriage. In the conflict, when there are four bad signs (which he calls "the revelation of the four knights"), the danger will approach, because riding on the ground in front will pave the way for the emergence of the knights behind. These four catastrophic symptoms will prevent you from effectively resolving conflicts.
According to the degree of injury, they are criticism, contempt, defense and cold war.
criticize
"I bought a video recorder at a discount store for $200, and Molly lost her temper when she saw it." Steve told us about their recent quarrel, and his wife Molly found herself constantly complaining about Steve's spending habits. Both of them agree that life should be frugal, but they have different understandings of frugality. For example, when Steve leaves the room, he often leaves the light on, while Molly spends hours collecting coupons for their next shopping. Is Molly's complaint justified? Researchers believe that this is not her right idea, but her right to complain. Complaining about healthy marriage activities. Although complaining is not very pleasant, it will make the marriage longer and stronger than avoiding complaining. The problem is that Molly doesn't realize that she has crossed the danger line. As time went on, Molly found that her point of view did not change Steve's consumption pattern, but there were some problems in their marriage. Molly stopped complaining about Steve's behavior and began to criticize him: "You are never responsible for your family, you can do whatever you want." It's like I live with an older child. "On the surface, there seems to be not much difference between complaining and criticizing. Actually, it is not. Attacks involving personality criticism, not just actions. Generally speaking, criticism is blame, personal attack or accusation, while complaining is a negative evaluation of dissatisfied things. Complaining often begins with "I" and criticism often begins with "you". For example, "I hope to increase our chances of going out together", which is a complaint; You never take me out "is a criticism. The degree of criticism is just above complaining, as if haggling over every ounce. Criticism is more painful than complaining.
despise
By the first anniversary of their marriage, Steve and Molly still had not reached an agreement on how to manage their finances. In a heated argument, Molly screamed, "Why are you irresponsible? You are too selfish. " When the fire broke out, Steve shouted, "Help it. Your hands are too tight, and you will creak when you walk. In short, I don't know how I can live with you. " The second bad sign, contempt, appeared. Regardless of being married for 4 months or 40 years, contempt will destroy the relationship between husband and wife. According to gotman, the difference between contempt and criticism is that "contempt is a deliberate insult and psychological injury to one's partner". The purpose of contempt is to leave pain in each other's hearts and directly hurt each other's hearts by destroying the relationship between husband and wife. Let the contempt between husband and wife for every good feeling cease to exist, casting a shadow over feelings. Some common manifestations of contempt are swearing, malicious humor and ridicule. Once contempt enters the relationship between two people, marriage will go from bad to worse.
protect
When Steve and Molly despised each other, defense appeared and things got worse. They all feel that they are victims and no one wants to take responsibility for the improvement of things. Who can blame them? If you feel insulted, the natural tendency is to defend yourself: "It's not my fault, you are responsible, not me." Defense is very destructive because it backfires. This instinctive reaction makes the victim turn a blind eye to any mistakes in defense itself, but defense often escalates the problem into a conflict rather than solving it. Every time, Steve and Molly feel that their views are completely correct; Every time I give myself reasons and refuse to take responsibility for things, this undoubtedly deepens the pain of their marriage.
Cold War
Later, the relationship between Steve and Molly almost hit rock bottom. Steve was exhausted by Molly's attack. Finally, he stopped fighting back and didn't even defend himself. Molly cried, "You sit there without saying a word, as if I were talking to a wall." Steve often ignores it completely. Sometimes, he shrugs as if to say, "I can't talk to you. Why do you want to talk? "
Most truce fighters are men (about 85%). They couldn't stand this argument, and in response, they began to build "stone walls" and withdrew from the battlefield. They try to keep a straight face, avoid eye contact, cran their necks and show that they are listening by nodding or whispering. Trumpeters often say that they try their best not to make things worse, but they don't seem to realize that the truce itself is a powerful response. It conveys disapproval, indifference and complacency. Remember, anyone can be a truce, defender, mocker and critic. Even very happy couples, in the tense period of marital conflict, occasionally have such behavior. The real danger is to make these modes of interaction a habit.
When the "more suitable person" appears.
Where should marriage go when a more suitable person appears?
Accidental attraction and occasional partner change are the normal state of life and are also responsible for their own happiness. However, if a person can always see a "more suitable partner" outside the existing partnership, then he may be narcissistic.
Have a stable partnership, but finding a more suitable partner is a constant challenge for our relationship. Among them, the most difficult thing is to have a better car or a bigger house after a more suitable partner appears. Basically, we are always excited and satisfied by choosing "better"; In the relationship between men and women, in order to be "better", the choice is always more complicated and the result is always more complicated.
There is a more suitable person.
Mary, a 33-year-old female journalist, is in an emotional dilemma: in addition to a fairly happy marriage, she also met someone who matches her soul better.
When she got married two years ago, Mary half-jokingly warned her husband Li Hao: "If you meet someone better than me, don't touch your wallet yet;" Second, don't move your body; Third, don't be emotional. " Li Hao quickly made up his mind: "I promise, I am only interested in you! "Unexpectedly, it was only two years before Mary moved first." He knows me. I can be myself in front of him. "Mary explained. They have a better sex life. Almost every time, we are creating a peak happiness that is as shocking as death.
When Ma Ligang entered the business, an old reporter said that the relationship between female journalists is easy to break down, because the successful people interviewed every day are stronger than their husbands, and it is difficult for them to remain attractive. Later, Mary learned that the elder had been divorced twice because of a "more suitable" partner. Mary is puzzled: what if she always meets better people?
Challenges facing the partnership
Meet someone more suitable for you. I met more than just female journalists. Our relationship almost always faces such challenges. Perhaps many of us will face such challenges many times in our lives. "In a relationship, no one can meet all the needs of another person at the same time. In addition to the existing cooperative relationship, it is normal to find someone who is more suitable for you. " Ji, a psychotherapist at Peking University Sixth Hospital, said, "But it does pose a challenge to the cooperation between the two sides."
The hardest thing is that when a more suitable partner appears, on the material level, people will always have a sense of accomplishment about the "better" choice, such as a better car or a big house; In the relationship between men and women, choice involves not only the conflict between men and women, our own desires, but also our subconscious. At the same time, it is also mixed with moral and ethical considerations, so it is difficult to choose and the result is always quite complicated.
People may not take a step forward when a more suitable partner appears. Wang was knocked between two poles and squeezed for half a year. Finally, she decided to keep her present life. "We all need to leave the marriage. The cost of living in this broken jar is too high. " At the same time, she has moral pressure. Morality requires partners to cultivate existing partnerships more deeply, rather than finding out where they are more suitable.
"We have the instinct of liking the new and hating the old, but human beings are also very sincere in pursuing a stable long-term partnership. This is of anthropological significance: mothers and children can be more secure, and the production and continuation of human population can be guaranteed. And growing old with the same person is still our yearning. The more stable the feelings, the more lasting the marriage, and the more satisfying our needs for love and affection. " Ji said to:
But Linda decided to be true to her inner voice and be with the person she loved most. Although this choice may bring family conflicts and disorder of personal life order that can be called "war". "If I stay in the original relationship, I will always miss the person I once loved more, which is another kind of disloyalty."
Hu Bingxin also chose to be with someone he loves more. She is simple: she didn't marry him, and she didn't even say that she left because she found a more suitable one. She just moved out, bringing some brand-name bags and a bought suitcase. The old relationship ended and a new one began.
Why do you see "more suitable"?
No matter what you choose, the appearance of a more suitable partner can usually be interpreted as a signal that you are dissatisfied with the relationship in your. Rong, a psychological counselor, said: "In a stable relationship, your main needs are met, but you must have unmet needs. When it rises to the most important demand, you will find someone who can meet this demand and' see' a more suitable partner. " That is, the "more suitable" partner is discovered by your own needs.
Psychology believes that partnership is a dynamic system, which is constantly changing. At the beginning of the cooperation, both sides accepted each other because of their love, and their personalities were also accepted. However, with the integration of the relationship between two people, they will gradually become incompatible with each other's requirements when they enter a period of growing differences. At this time, you will turn your attention to the two of us.
Rong explained that people have two opportunities to find a "more suitable" partner. Around the wedding. "It didn't take long for two people to get married and there was no basis for cohabitation before. The two sides are in a period of disillusionment, and differences begin to appear. At this time, contradictions often seem irreconcilable, and both sides may seek understanding and comfort, so it is easy to retreat. "
The other stage is about 40 years old. "At this time, people have a sense of crisis about their age both physically and psychologically. They will sum up their first half of life and find that there are still many unfulfilled wishes and lifestyles that they have never tried, so they will be unwilling and easy to find new partners. "
Is it "more appropriate" or illusion?
Are those partners who bravely take a step forward happier with more suitable partners?
Respondent Wang Ying feels much happier than before. "He is older than me 10 years old and more mature. He raised me. With him, I feel that the platform of my life has become very broad. " Wang Ying said that they had lived in the United States for three years, and now they have returned to China together to start an IT company and have a child. Their feelings are also deep: "We can't imagine not having each other."
Daisy found the question difficult to answer. "You can't say you are unhappy, and you can't say you are happy." She is an executive of a Fortune 500 company in northern China, and Sun Ping is a non-litigation lawyer. They both had families when they met. "Now we are still in love, but I didn't expect so many difficulties."
Daisy will feel the presence and influence of that ex-wife. In fact, when his ex-wife was Sun Ping's wife, she entertained him at home. Sun Ping can't help thinking that another person once existed. "This really prevents us from getting more happiness." Daisy said.
Liang thought she was "deceived by her own illusion". "I think it suits me better. After being together, it was quite good at first, but after a while, I found that the problems I faced were the same as my previous relationship. " In this regard, Rong's analysis is: "A more suitable person may correspond to your new needs. When this demand is met, you will have a new demand, and you will no longer need him. However, you still have new needs, so will you continue to look for a more suitable partner? Many times, the more suitable person is just your illusion. "
Be jealous in a gentle way.
Please be gentle. Just have a taste. No one doesn't like to be jealous in a gentle way. If it is breathless, it is that tyranny is fiercer than a tiger, and it is always bitten to death. Who can stand it for a long time?
Envy is a wonderful thing. Some people blame each other for being too jealous and make him want to escape; But some people complain that the other person is not jealous and doesn't care about him.
Mike had a big fight with his boyfriend because of jealousy. It's not the first time she's been jealous. She almost ruined her feelings. It is stipulated that a boyfriend's mobile phone cannot have the phone number of a woman other than his mother, his sister and mother-in-law. Even though her boyfriend protested, she insisted on checking her boyfriend's mobile phone every day. One day, she saw a strange number. When she called back, the person who answered the phone was a girl. "I am his girlfriend. What do you want Ajie to do? " Wheat asked angrily.
"Oh, it's no big deal," said another. "Please let him reply by himself?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Why should I tell you?"
Wheat felt that his territory had been violated and scolded a lot of ooxx. After that, Ajie who insisted on innocence was scolded.
As a result, this string of words was recorded and widely circulated in Ajie's circle of friends. It turned out that Ajie's friends had long heard that she was jealous and invited a girl to play a prank. When Ajie learned about it, she lost face and ignored her for several days.
Jade is the kind that is not jealous. Whenever her boyfriend Allen comes home, she never asks. The reason is that men should have their own space to make friends. Allen never wants to follow him when he goes out to socialize. What's the use of "tube so much? One foot high, one foot high! If you mess around, you mess around If you don't make trouble, you won't make trouble. " But Allen was not used to it and complained to Ayu: "Every time I call you, it seems that you don't care where I go." You don't care about me at all, do you? "
Don't care too much, and don't care too much. What is the measure of jealousy?
Jealousy is not a bad thing, but for most men, there are two important minefields:
First, please save his face and don't let him be laughed at and affect his work.
Second, please be gentle and just have a taste. No one doesn't like to be jealous in a gentle way. If it is breathless, it is that tyranny is fiercer than a tiger, and it is always bitten to death. Who can stand it for a long time?
After the quarrel, make up for health.
"Quarrel" is extremely harmful to health.
Quarrel is the most common phenomenon in the relationship between husband and wife. Many people think this is another way of communication between husband and wife. Indeed, quarreling is also a kind of communication, but it is a way of communication that can easily drive people to have intense emotions and lead to paranoia. Because couples will inevitably have emotional outbursts in quarrels, it is difficult for us to keep calm, make correct judgments and control properly. Therefore, most people don't like quarreling. However, even if they try to avoid the possibility of quarreling, quarreling is still the best means for couples to use, and it happens frequently in our family life.
Example 1: A middle-aged woman got a strange disease after arguing with her husband: she couldn't swallow food, and the food got stuck in her throat many times, which almost caused suffocation. It is understood that the lady had a fierce quarrel with her husband a month ago because of family chores. As a result, she didn't eat all day because she couldn't eat. I began to have difficulty swallowing at dinner the next day. The food got stuck in my throat and I couldn't swallow it, which led to difficulty in breathing and almost suffocation. My family had to dig out food by hand. Since then, middle-aged women have been stuck and unable to swallow as long as they eat. At the same time, she felt very stuffy in her chest and was in danger of breathing difficulties and almost suffocation many times. According to the doctor's diagnosis, the patient's dysphagia is a disease caused by extreme mood swings. Because of anger, depression, anxiety and other emotions, resulting in physiological dysfunction.
Exodus 2: Five-year-old Yuan Yuanyuan is more eloquent than her peers, but she suddenly started stuttering six months ago. Parents are puzzled by this and even accuse each other of not taking good care of their children. The doctor suggested a psychological diagnosis for the child. After the interview, it was found that the round stuttering was related to the fierce quarrel between parents. Six months ago, Yuanyuan came to her parents from her grandmother's house, and she quickly adapted to the new life. However, parents did not make any adjustments because of the arrival of their children. They often quarrel about educating their children, and sometimes they slam the door and leave. Although young children can adapt to the new life, they can't stand the frequent quarrels between their parents: stuttering becomes more and more serious with the escalation of parents' quarrels. Psychiatry believes that secondary stuttering is positively related to mental stress and anxiety. Unscrupulous quarrels between husband and wife will undoubtedly endanger children's physical and mental health. If parents don't change the habit of quarreling when they encounter problems, it is difficult for children's language ability to recover in a short time.
The "intimacy" of most families has been neglected.
The survey conducted by the first survey network 20 1 1 among netizens shows that modern people are not satisfied with the harmonious relationship between themselves or their parents. Among those who voted, only 30.67% were optimistic. Some couples say it's okay to eat, drink and be merry, but they start quarreling as soon as they get down to business. In addition, the most common way people used to deal with it was that one side always let the other side lean over. 44.69% people think it is difficult to change the other half and convince the other side of their own shortcomings or mistakes. 1.22% people said they would not take the initiative to improve the relationship between husband and wife to improve their quality of life. 64.3 1% of the people who participated in the survey came from the age group of 20-60, which can be said to be convincing.
The survey fully shows that people are helpless, evasive, negative and helpless when dealing with and solving problems in the relationship between husband and wife. The stress and anxiety of modern people in their work and life are obviously stronger than those of our parents. Everyone wants his family to be a safe haven for himself to escape from society, and urgently needs his close partner to give him more comfort and understanding, but rarely keeps close relationship. This demand makes the relationship between husband and wife show certain utilitarianism, and people's strategies to deal with complex problems become short, flat and fast. Simple ways of doing things, such as quarreling and breaking up, have become many people's unthinking choices, further expanding the harm to each other.
Strictly speaking, long-term frequent quarrels between wives are obstacles to intimate relationships. If we can't adjust and eliminate the negative effects caused by quarrel in time, the feelings of husband and wife will be alienated, accumulate into essence and burden, and even endanger the physical and mental health of family members.
How to eliminate the "side effects" caused by quarreling?
We know that quarreling is an external manifestation, and fighting is the serious psychological driving force between husband and wife. Many couples have said this in the consulting room: I just want to prove him (her) wrong. And proof itself is to win your own face, even if the quarrel comes from a very small thing. So, to solve the problem, take a step back first.
Take a step back and have fun.
Take a step back here, mainly to learn tolerance and humility. When the relationship between husband and wife is tense, if one of them can take the initiative to make concessions, it will not necessarily make both sides lose their way out. You know, submission doesn't mean weakness. On the contrary, being able to show kindness on your own initiative is a sign of inner strength. Therefore, the conceded party should be smart enough to step down, and don't cling to it without knowing the status quo. Of course, if one side always gives in, it will also cause inner grievances, and accumulating too much will be counterproductive. Therefore, it is best to take turns to make concessions. You give in this time, and he gives in next time. After all, there are not many principled issues between husband and wife. Taking a small step back in front of trivial matters may be a big step towards a happy life for couples!
Multi-angle influence
The biggest drawback of quarreling is that extreme anger leads to extremes. If the quarrel has inevitably happened, I suggest two ways to make up for it. -Talk to your best friend or close friend. Traditional family scandals have suppressed too many people's release of family tension. On the one hand, you can release your emotions, on the other hand, you can listen to the opinions and suggestions of third parties and help yourself get out of the strange circle of paranoia. The second is to strengthen effective communication between husband and wife. When direct communication is not smooth, indirect communication is also a good way, such as note, SMS, QQ, MSN and so on. As long as the purpose of communication can be achieved, these measures may as well try. But indirect communication cannot be the normal state of communication, and the best communication should be based on direct communication.
About using body language
If you have a chance to watch a couple quarrel, you will find that body language is often richer than voice language, and if you add tones, the scene will be extremely difficult to control. Because when a husband and wife quarrel, it is difficult for both sides to really understand what the other side is saying: what they read is basically the information conveyed by body language. If you find yourself in a war between husband and wife, it may play a positive role to pay a little attention to and control your body behavior. If we have strong self-control, we can even use friendly body language to send friendly messages to each other, which can ease each other's alert psychology, ease the tense atmosphere and weaken the tense atmosphere full of gunpowder.
Sometimes quarreling can also be an opportunity for the development of husband-wife relationship, because quarreling can often reveal neglected problems in our lives. So, if there is a quarrel, don't worry too much. Learn to make it work for me and become a platform for venting emotions and clarifying problems. However, in any case, the premise of quarreling is that it can't hurt the child and can't cause the shadow of the child's future growth. Therefore, please learn to think twice before quarreling.
Conclusion: In fact, the most important thing between husband and wife is understanding and confession. Although everyone should have their own space and secrets, knowing each other's thoughts can also deepen feelings. (The article was originally published in Urban Healthy People and Health Expo, serial number: No.4, 20 12. The author is Wen Xin and the copyright belongs to the author; The purpose of reprinting is to convey more information, which does not mean that 360 Common Sense Network agrees with its views and is responsible for its authenticity. Please contact us as soon as possible and we will delete the content as soon as possible.