Girls' feelings in the process of love are devoted, and with the increase of time, their feelings will become stronger. She can't break up for no reason, so all we have to do is find out the root cause and the reason why she gave up this relationship.
First, the reasons for breaking up are inconsistent.
Among many reasons for breaking up, the most common one is "we can't get along", but just using the word "we can't get along" to end a relationship often confuses boys.
So how incompatible is personality?
I like shopping on weekends, but you like playing games.
I like the royal elder sister, but you like the little girl;
I like cooking after work, but you like roadside stalls;
I like lyric music, but you like rock style;
I like romance in movies, but you like action movies.
……
To sum up, we will find that apart from external factors such as parents' opposition, as long as there is a problem in intimate relationship, we can leave the breakup to "personality disagreement." But you can't refute or correct anything.
There are no two perfect people in the world. Everyone is an independent individual and has a unique personality. In this case, the possibility of finding a person who matches you 100% is slim.
People who break up because of incompatible personalities don't fall in love because they didn't find a place suitable for you to get along with each other during the running-in period. They are just tired because they can't find the right way to get along. They instinctively chose to leave out of self-protection.
For example, girls are inherently insecure and have delicate feelings. They like to observe boys from the details, and will constantly enlarge some trivial things and entertain foolish ideas. Most of the boys' personalities are informal and careless, and they will not observe or experience the subtle emotional changes of girls. Differences in personality will lead to contradictions between couples and constantly consume emotional concentration.
But there is no good or bad personality, and it is impossible to say who is right or wrong, but everyone has different needs for feelings. Only by understanding each other's personality can we effectively solve the problems in your relationship.
According to emotion, intelligence and will, we mainly divide personality into three types: emotional type, rational type and will type.
(1) emotional type: People with this personality are easily influenced by emotions when they do things, and easily get emotional when they deal with problems. When they are stimulated by external things, they can't control their emotions, such as emotional fluctuations and impulsive actions in the process of quarreling.
People with emotional type's personality should cultivate a calm mind, improve their self-control ability, give themselves psychological hints when encountering problems, appropriately reduce their emotions and divert their attention in time. They can also learn to look at problems from other angles and guide them in a positive way, which can not only release emotions, but also turn them into beneficial forces.
(2) Rational type: This kind of personality is clear from right and wrong, and the theory is thoughtful. It often uses rationality to measure everything and dominate actions. This character will always succeed, but any character will have side effects. For example, in the process of quarreling, men always want to convince people by reasoning, but girls are mostly emotional animals, and the ending will only be counterproductive.
People with rational personality should not always try to calm women down by reasoning. There are differences in thinking between men and women. Boys are rational animals and girls are emotional animals. Sometimes a hug and a humorous word are easier to relieve the negative emotions in girls' hearts.
(3) Will type: People with this personality will have clear goals, strong self-control ability, and will persevere according to their own choices.
But there is also a disadvantage. For example, when a girl puts forward his shortcomings in the process of love, he will only follow his subjective consciousness and is unwilling to change.
People with volitional personality don't need to stick to this principle all the time in the process of feelings, but learn to be self-sufficient when others ask questions.
Redemption, if it's good for you, why can't you change yourself appropriately?
No one is perfect, and every personality has its advantages and disadvantages. What we have to do now is to manage our own personality, develop our own advantages and correct our own shortcomings.
Lack of attraction
You were together because you attracted her because of the qualities and highlights that emanated from you, but you also broke up because of the decline or disappearance of your attraction. With the growth of love time, the novelty between you gradually fades, and the previous advantages are replaced by shortcomings.
Then the reasons for the disappearance of attraction are as follows:
(1) Mutual suspicion and distrust
It is certainly unattractive that boys are always skeptical about girls. Your doubt and distrust will reflect your lack of confidence and your weakness, which will make girls feel that you are not worthy of her. Secondly, such boys often ask girls: What did you do today? Where have you been? Have you ever talked to a boy? If a girl comes into contact with other boys, then boys will try to improve themselves by belittling others, but such behavior will only make girls feel that you are naive, bored and depressed.
Your suspicion and distrust will also reflect your own insecurity and inadvertently show your high sense of demand. Of course, everyone has a sense of need, but if it is too high, there will be problems, which will reduce your actual value, and the other party will think you are unattractive or even disgusted. A high sense of demand will also make the other party grasp your psychology and fall into a passive position. Ordinary people can't understand it. Even if they are in love, in fact, the two sides are still independent individuals. We must not exert pressure, and the relaxed love atmosphere can last for a long time.
(2) Poor self-image and boring lifestyle
Many boys will deliberately organize their external image and carefully prepare for dating activities when pursuing girls, but after catching up with girls, they will return to the state of how comfortable they were and how they came at will, and there is no match at all. When you are together, your external image and your own mystery must account for a certain proportion, but after determining the relationship, your feelings do not add up, but get worse and worse, constantly subtracting. Long-term relationships need to be managed, and love comes and goes.
Not only boys are visual animals, but also girls; Not only boys are proud, but girls are also proud. When you become sloppy, girls will feel ashamed to go out with you to meet friends; When there are only two points and one line left in your life, and you sleep at home and play games on rest days, the novelty between you will gradually fade away. Why are girls attracted to you in the first place? That's because you cared about image, colorful life and humor, but why do you attract her now? Because you don't wash your hair or take a bath, you are old?
(3) Straight male attribute
In life, there are many boys who are unwilling to make girls happy in the process of love, dull and boring, inarticulate and clumsy; In the process of communication, I can't keep up with girls' ideas and lack the same topic; Treat your girlfriend as a brother in your life; When quarreling, I like to preach to each other and preach the truth. In the end, I will only win the truth and lose my feelings.
Boys like this are mostly called straight men. Of course, this is a derogatory term and I don't need to explain it too much. But straight men are not all shortcomings. They also have many advantages, such as being responsible and self-motivated, and occasionally creating some romance and emotions. But many advantages of straight men have been broken up before they are discovered.
Why, because they have low emotional intelligence, low ability to fall in love, and don't understand the psychology of girls, they scared each other away with golden words and jade words at the beginning of their love. Many boys will think that the so-called love, emotional intelligence and love ability are all routines, all flashy things, and only their own sincerity is the most touching. Of course, sincerity is valuable, but your expression will only make sincerity worthless.
The proportion of love demand in life is different.
Some girls need to stick together all the time when they fall in love, and some girls need to have their own living space when they fall in love. They are enterprising and don't want to break their living habits. This is that everyone's love accounts for a different proportion of life, that is, love needs are different. For girls who need to stick together all the time, the love needs account for about 80% of her life, and the love needs of girls who focus on self-life and work account for about 40% of her life.
We can imagine what it would be like for a girl to have 80% love needs and a boy to have 40% love needs. At seven or eight o'clock in the evening, girls call boys: What are you doing? When will you come to accompany me? At this moment, the boy replied, I'm still working, so you should have a rest first. At this time, girls will be unhappy: work! Work! Always working! Is work important to me? Don't you love me? Boys will only coax girls helplessly: Baby, how can I not love you? But this plan will be completed today, so you should be rational. Girls are still unhappy: every time I want to be sensible, it's not that work is more important than me, you just don't love me, so stay with work. Bye! Du ~ du ~ du ~ ~ ~
At this time, it shows the importance of the balance of love needs. Boys with 80% love needs should find girls with 60%-80% love needs, but if the love needs between you are very different, is there no way? Actually, it's not. The most important factor affecting the demand for love is the sense of demand, but if you want to change each other, you can only change yourself to achieve balance. If your love needs are too high, then reduce your sense of need. If your love needs are too low, divide your energy into your love life appropriately to improve your sense of need.
Trivial things in life lead to emotional breakdown.
Compared with "cheating" and "domestic violence" in the process of feelings, as many as one-third of divorce cases are caused by trivial matters.
Many boys will think that these trivial things are not worth mentioning. People ask you why you are fighting, and you can't think of the reason. In fact, these trivial things have been laying an untimely bomb on your feelings: what to eat today? Who cooks? Who washes the dishes? Where to play? Who takes out the garbage? Who mopped the floor? When do you get up and go to bed ... I believe there are many quarrels because of these things, and you will soon forget them after quarreling, but with the increase of quarrels, contradictions and disappointments will gradually accumulate, and the last trivial quarrel will become the last straw to crush your feelings. Some people have raised minor contradictions to the level of values, leading to the problem getting out of control.
Quarrel in intimate relationship is inevitable, because it is an indispensable part of our emotional life, and we need to constantly run in and interact through quarrels again and again. But how to communicate when quarreling and how to solve contradictions are the key.
Solve contradictions in time, express your thoughts in time, and don't think that the other party doesn't understand you. She is not a worm in your stomach. Don't run away from the problem, running away will only escalate the contradiction. You are lovers, lovers, and there is no deep hatred between you. So, there is no need to quarrel. Try to avoid quarreling and learn to be tolerant and understanding. Only in this way can we establish a good relationship between the two sexes.
In addition to the above four reasons, there are also the influence of family background, different values, different values and different love purposes ... After breaking up, you should sort out your emotional experience and find out the crux of your breakup. Only in this way can you ensure that you will not be idle on the road to recovery, correct the problem in time and recover more efficiently.
Second, what should be done in the process of recovery? Control your sense of need reasonably.
Many boys are not going to save girls by nature. They think that unconditional kindness to girls will make them change their minds, but this reckless behavior will not be rewarded, but will expose the sense of demand for girls. This act of increasing investment is just squeezing their ultimate value. Of course, if you still have value, you may become a spare tire, but if you don't have any value, even the spare tire will only be abandoned again.
Learn to restrain and restrain your sense of need, and have your own bottom line in the process of recovery. Too much goodwill will not only make the other side unscrupulous.
Fear will also hurt yourself, and eventually it will only make the balance of feelings unbalanced. Whether it is a couple or a friend, it is a benign state to get along through giving and paying.
After breaking up, we should judge the next step according to the attitude of the other party. If she just broke up in a fake way and wants to punish you by breaking up, I hope you can get rid of something. Calling her and texting her will still get back to you. Then you can occasionally express your concern and greetings appropriately, but don't ask to get back together until the problem is corrected, because the other party still has a negative impression on you before you have changed. Getting back together at this time will only be counterproductive.
If the other party obviously releases the signal of rejection after breaking up, then don't pester her at this time. At this time, your entanglement will only make her more disgusted, will only consume your emotional foundation, and will only extinguish the last hope of redemption. Don't think that the other person can't live without you. The last person she wants to see now is you. Your appearance will only make her bored, increase her defensive psychology and increase the difficulty of recovery. You are the one who can't let go of this relationship now. If you want to save it, control your emotions.
Secondly, don't do anything that moves you after breaking up. Your daily "good morning" and "good night", sincere concern and invitation are all acts of reducing points. Your self-sacrifice is your wishful thinking, not what she really wants. Only by truly understanding her needs, making targeted changes and prescribing the right medicine is the correct solution.
Effective change can produce secondary attraction.
In addition to the above-mentioned problems that led to the breakup, the mentality and mode of getting along after the breakup also need to be changed in time.
(1) mentality
It's normal to be sad after breaking up, but don't be eager for quick success and give up on yourself. You can't get it back in one step. I believe you can get it back and make an effective and detailed recovery plan for yourself, such as what to do during the cold treatment of disconnected network, as detailed as possible to every hour, which will not only make your mind clear, but also enrich your life and leave you no extra time to think about her.
(2) Find your own position
You can't get it back overnight. The other person needs time to get to know you again, and you need time to show your changes. Therefore, the reunion after reunion must go through four stages: ordinary friends; Good friends > ambiguous > compound
What are ordinary friends? An ordinary friend only talks once every three or five times, and only talks three or five sentences at a time. If you have something to say, you should retreat immediately and don't pester, otherwise it will make the other side rise again. Don't talk embarrassedly, it's best not to talk embarrassedly, otherwise the other person will feel that chatting with you is meaningless and won't reply to you next time.
Secondly, don't say good morning and good night on the stage of ordinary friends, don't care about greetings, and find your place. About each stage of the upgrade, mainly depends on the attitude of the other party. If she has a good attitude, she can stay in the ordinary friend stage for two weeks and try to move towards the good friend stage. In the stage of being good friends, you can appropriately increase the frequency of chatting, and the topics can be relaxed and casual, such as sharing daily and interesting videos.
A good friend's upgrade to ambiguity also needs to be judged according to the other person's attitude. So how to test it? For example, you can say "I dreamed of you yesterday" and see if the other person will respond. If she responds positively and has a good attitude, then you can enter the ambiguous stage. But if she changes the subject or gives a cold response, you should continue to think about it at the stage of being a good friend.
(3) Don't worry about getting back together.
If you haven't changed anything, or the other party hasn't seen your change, and rashly propose to get back together, it will not only be rejected, but also be called back to the stage of ordinary friends or even power failure. Getting back together is not a verbal commitment. If you can meet, hold hands, hug, kiss, and have intimate contact, what verbal commitment do you need to make to do it?
(4) Establish a circle of friends
Whether the other person's attitude is cold or warm is closely related to the image you show. In addition to chatting, the construction of friends circle should also keep up in time. A good circle of friends can not only eliminate negative impressions, but also increase the success rate of recovery. Besides, you haven't reached the invitation stage yet. It's no use just chatting if you want the other person to be attracted to you. You need to show your life, your changes and the highlights that attracted her before through your circle of friends.
The content of the circle of friends is mainly positive energy, which is mainly divided into the following categories:
Hedonism: a colorful life, such as eating, drinking, traveling, etc. In order to break the ordinary and boring life state, it is suitable for the type that one party's life is not fresh and the other party is pursuing a refined life.
Social type: Going out to eat and travel with friends aims to show their strong communication skills, but the high value of friends is attractive. If they are all friends, or people she used to hate, it will only cause disgust. It should be noted that there can be no separate and opposite sex photos in the circle of friends! ! ! If the other party broke up because of lack of companionship, then don't send this type! ! !
Literature and art: show your versatility, such as painting, photography, singing and playing the piano. No, you can learn, enrich yourself and increase your attraction at the same time.
Narcissism: If you have separated from me before because you didn't pay attention to dressing up, it is very necessary for this type to show your delicate side. But don't send it too often. It is suggested that this type can be sent once a week. If friends are all taking selfies, they will appear narcissistic and have no connotation.
Mature and self-motivated: If boys are naive, naive and not self-motivated, then you can send more of this type, so that the other party can see your seriousness and self-motivated and change your mind. You can post something about your study and work. If the other party broke up because of lack of companionship, then don't send this type! ! !
Careful and considerate type: if you break up because you don't care and don't know how to take care of each other, you can send this type. Can show cooking, housekeeping, caring and filial piety.
Sunshine Sports: If you break up because you are curtilage, bored and in poor shape, you can send this type. Not only can you create topics, but you can also show your image of sunshine and love sports, mainly to show your sports state, such as running, throwing iron, boxing, swimming and so on.
Don't update your circle of friends too frequently, just keep the previous frequency. If you didn't send a circle of friends before, you can send it once a week now, and you can increase the frequency later. Different types cross jobs according to their own needs. Don't use laziness as an excuse. Don't worry that the other party won't read it. No matter who is curious about his predecessor, for example, do you occasionally look through his circle of friends to see his status? Only when you are the other person, will you have a chance to see it. If you do nothing, the other party will have no chance to see it.
Understand girls' way of thinking and communicate effectively.
Men are from Venus and women are from Mars. There are differences in thinking between boys and girls. If we only look at problems and communicate from our own perspective, there will only be contradictions and quarrels.
So what are the specific aspects of the thinking differences between boys and girls?
(1) Look at things differently.
Boys' thinking is focused and logical, while girls' thinking is divergent. Boys will simplify complex problems, while girls will complicate simple problems. Give a simple example: if you call the other party but no one answers, the boy will think that the girl is busy, so just contact her later; But girls will wonder if the boys are fooling around outside, if they are sick, if they have an accident, and then they will start a series of text messages and phone bombings until the boys reply. If the boy doesn't reply all the time, it is a bloody thing to wait for the boy.
(2) There are differences in ways of looking at things.
Boys are rational animals and girls are emotional animals. When looking at the same thing, boys will analyze clues and draw conclusions, but girls will be more inclined to emotional choices. From the perspective of drama pursuit, boys prefer to reason suspense and other plots, while girls prefer plots full of love and hate, such as Korean dramas, which are the favorite of most girls.
(3) There are differences in attitudes towards quarrels.
On this point, I believe everyone is very touched. In the face of quarreling, girls look at people, not boys' attitudes when quarreling, and boys look at the matter itself when quarreling. In the process of quarreling, girls will abstract concrete things, which will be derived as whether boys love themselves or not, while boys will concretize abstract things, and we must analyze which is right and which is wrong. In the end, there will only be a world-class war. I believe many boys must have suffered because of this.
In the process of chatting, girls pay attention to sharing their current feelings, while boys pay attention to how to solve problems. For example, girls and boys complain that they quarreled with their friends today and complain about what happened to their friends. She just wants to be comforted by the boys and let them vomit with her, but the boys will analyze what the girls did badly after understanding the whole story. Not only will it not relieve girls' emotions, but it will also make girls feel that boys don't care about her, don't love her and don't understand her, which will only lead to misunderstandings and quarrels. Finally, boys will think that girls are unreasonable and the contradictions escalate.
This solution is reasonable for boys and unreasonable for girls. Your answer will only make girls feel negative about you and lose interest in communicating with you.
Therefore, in the process of redemption, if we want to communicate effectively with girls and provide them with positive emotional value, we must understand the girl's way of thinking and solve problems according to her thinking, instead of confronting girls from our own perspective. In intimate relationships, whether it is love or redemption, it is very important to know how to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Do a good job in emotional management during recovery.
Finally, talk about emotional management. In addition to secondary attraction, there are also mentality and emotions that run through the whole recovery process. If you don't know how to control your mind and emotions, even if you know more recovery skills, it's useless. In the process of redemption, the attitude of the other party must be unpredictable. Don't disturb your mood and rhythm because of the other person's behavior, otherwise you will only fall short.
For example, if you disconnect, the other party changes her signature, sends a new status and changes her avatar. Do you fantasize about whether she wants to start a new life? After getting back together, the other party replies to your message, and you begin to make a long speech, expressing your love and concern and exposing your sense of need; If the other party doesn't reply to you, you start thinking, suffering from loss and giving up on yourself; Even if the other party agrees to get back together, do you think she really got back together with me? Does she still love me? Does she want me to pester her, so she perfunctory me? Constantly trying to figure out each other's ideas, in the end, not only can you guess nothing, but it will also affect your emotions and disrupt the steps of recovery. If you do something wrong because of a whim, it will only increase the difficulty of recovery, and the loss will outweigh the gain.
Therefore, it is very necessary to learn female psychological interpretation and emotional control during the recovery process. As the saying goes, know yourself and know yourself. When you can understand each other's psychology and control your emotions, you won't lose your mind in the process of recovery.
So how do you relieve your mood when you have mood swings? Empathy, talking to friends, venting behavior (exercise). We should learn to control our emotions and be the master of them, not control you.
Finally, I wish everyone can save their success, come on!
I'm Chen Yu, a marriage and love counselor, focusing on solving your emotional problems. You can leave a message at the bottom of the article and I will answer them one by one.