To be precise, The Battle of Fun is more like an anthology. A short passage describes the psychological characteristics of children aged 0~3, 3~6, 6~ 10,/kloc-0 ~16, and the matters that parents should pay attention to when raising them. However, it seems inappropriate to talk about precautions, because it is too serious.
Mr. Wu himself must be an interesting person. Otherwise, you wouldn't have written such an interesting article.
It is hard to imagine whether he is an engineering student or an engineer.
Introduce slightly obscure psychological concepts in simple and understandable language; Then, with easy-to-understand stories and one witty remark after another, people meditate in clapping and laughing, and gain in relaxation and happiness-because they understand, they are calm.
If teachers have such skills, learning is no longer a painful thing.
This book recommends prefaces written by three famous people, but in my opinion, none of them are as powerful as the postscript written by Mr. Wu's daughter. That kind of logic, that kind of playful energy, is too graphic (as if listening to a stand-up comedy). It is hard to imagine that this was written by a middle school student. That's Miss Wu's own daughter. Shine on you more than blue.
Now I will extract the sentences that moved me or made me gain something from the book as follows.
These fragments only introduce some of the essence of the book. Another part of the essence can only be felt by people who have read books.
I sincerely recommend it.
Extract notes—
? In East Asia with Confucian culture, generally speaking, raising children is originally done in a big family. This kind of family is basically a big family or clan centered on the father, which is the so-called patriarchal society in feudal times. In such a family, children should obey their father's discipline and worship his authority most. Although a mother is good at taking care of her children in life or material things, she has no real decision-making power, so she never needs to consider her children's feelings with her heart, including understanding and responding to any information sent by her children's inner world.
This society is different now. Due to the disintegration of extended family or traditional community, small family or nuclear family was forced to break away and become independent. In this case, men must first learn to be fathers, while women must learn to understand other care besides material care (such as psychological care). Although many people have lived in different metropolises, there is still an invisible pressure urging every parent to show a certain level, from material to superficial behavior.
..... The most touching classic quote of child psychologist Winnicott: A child looks up at his mother's face and sees himself. The meaning of this sentence is that the child lies in his mother's arms, knowing nothing about the world and knowing little about himself. His only source of information is his mother's face, and children can judge what kind of person he is by his mother's facial expression.
If every time a child observes her mother's face, her eyes are shining, her face is smiling, and she is looking at herself with joy. Two days a day, two weeks a week, January and February, this kind of impression is superimposed and gradually stabilized, and the child will form an idea: because I am a good child, a lovely child and a valuable child, my mother will be so happy to see me. This is the beginning of the formation of a person's self-worth and the core foundation of a person's personality. With this foundation, this person's life will not be too miserable.
If children see their mother's face, they are often indifferent, disgusted and angry. Over time, children will form an idea: because I am a bad child, an unlovable child and a worthless child, my mother will be so unhappy when she sees me. The style of children's lifelong depression is basically determined.
? ..... Winnicott also has a classic saying: Every child is a natural psychotherapist of his parents.
? The child looked up at his mother's face and saw the child himself;
The mother looked down at the child's face and saw the mother herself.
This kind of eye contact between pitching, you have me and I have you, is the two-way recognition of children and mothers, and is the enjoyment and exchange of emotional big data. It not only laid the foundation of the child's personality, but also repaired the mother's personality defect. It is so precious and important, and so ordinary and simple.
I often see all kinds of articles about parent-child and companionship. I think it's just being with children, not companionship. Only a mutually recognized personal relationship is the real companionship.
From the perspective of driving theory, children are also normal.
This age is the most aggressive time, especially for boys. He wants to show his strength by attacking others and the environment. The main ways of attack are behavior and language.
? ..... Don't try to be a scientist's mother, because having an ordinary mother is a blessing that Eva learned in her last life.
Knowledge small link
Psychologically speaking, it means that children can only give up after playing a symptom. If we have to rise to the height of philosophy, we can only give up what we once had.
Children do what they want to do, do it right, and then do it again. If they are right, their self-confidence will grow stronger and stronger. Therefore, we should be tolerant enough to tolerate children's "bad" behavior.
? What is anxiety? Anxiety is the worry about unpredictable and uncontrollable things in the future.
The appreciation and encouragement in my mother's eyes will make my children feel that I am a great child. I have nothing to fear. This is the initial establishment of self-confidence.
? When every child comes to this world, he will be curious about this complex environment, and they will explore it in their own instinctive way.
In this process of exploration, if people around him appreciate and encourage his curiosity, he will give full play to his potential; If people around him are critical and restrained about his curiosity, he will always be in a state of panic, whether for safety or health reasons. When trying to explore new things, he will hesitate and even take the initiative to retreat to protect himself. With the accumulation of time, the child shows the difference between self-confidence and cleverness, because he can't concentrate all his energy on the goal to be challenged, and needs to separate a part to observe the text.
Spoiling and doting are not different in behavior, but in starting point. Spoiling is to meet the normal needs of children's growth, and doting is to meet the needs of their caregivers, but these needs are often disguised as children's needs.
The love that children need for their own growth is doting, and the more the better, because children are not spoiled.
Love to meet the needs of caregivers is to spoil, the less the better, otherwise it will devour children.
Knowledge small link
In eighteen years, the same land can be turned into a fertile field for drought and flood, and it can also be turned into a hardened and salinized barren land in eighteen years. It seems to depend on the level of the land contractor, but it actually depends on the idea of the landlord.
? Whether you are farming or raising a baby, you must follow the laws of nature. Violating the laws of nature is called going against the sky, and you have to pay the price.
Karen Horney, a famous psychologist, once said, "People are born with a tendency to realize themselves. If the obstacles are removed, people will naturally develop into mature and fully realized individuals, just like an oak seed grows into an oak tree. "
? Bing Xin once said, "Let children grow naturally like wild flowers." This can be understood as not doing everything, not doing everything, not doing it for you, but letting go and giving children time and space to grow up independently. The growth of a child belongs to him and is irreplaceable, and ultimately depends on the motivation of self-sustainable development. Only when a child is independent and willing to be independent and self-reliant, can he develop physically, intellectually and emotionally, which is helpful to cultivate his independent and responsible attitude.
? With self-confidence, children will have a stronger desire to learn, and will develop a responsible attitude towards themselves and the ability to deal with problems independently.
? The two factors that determine a child's future development are genes and environment. Genes determine the developmental order and environment determines the developmental level.
What parents need to do is to understand their children's growth stages and characteristics, create a good environment for their children at different stages, and help them remove obstacles that hinder their growth.
? Don't artificially create setbacks for children, they will have enough setbacks on their growth path.
? From reassuring to letting go of that kind of "gentle push", it is gentle enough, full of love from parents, and will not make children feel abandoned and rejected; At the same time, it is strong enough and has enough trust from parents to make children determined to leave their parents' arms and try to challenge the unknown world by themselves.
The child's first identity is with his mother. Children's second recognition is to be with their father (after two or three years old, children gradually like to play with their father). The second identification is accompanied by the first separation from the mother, and the two processes are carried out at the same time.
(The second examination and approval was completed well) The little boy's psychology and physiology began to be harmonious and unified. From then on, he mixed with his father and ran in the direction of a man like his father. This is the boy's second identification with gender and the last psychological identification. ……
(The girl found that she was different from her father in the second appraisal and began to part ways with her father slowly) ... This is the second separation between the girl and her father. Although I lived with my father for a while, this second recognition made girls understand what men think and do, which laid a good foundation for choosing a real man in the future.
? Judging from the process of psychological development, boys are separated once and recognized twice. The second recognition of my father is a hammer sale. If it works, it must work. If you can't, you won't start over. Girls are divided into two times and recognized three times. God takes special care of girls and gives them another chance to be recognized because they can make up and adjust when they make mistakes, because they not only have to develop themselves well, but also bear the heavy responsibility of raising the next generation in the future. Theoretically, women who agree more than once have better psychological development than men. Although I am not convinced as a man, it is a fact and I can only accept my fate.
In this complicated process of identification, boys develop into men who are consistent inside and outside, and girls develop into women who are consistent inside and outside. When they grow up, they attract each other according to the laws of nature. In other words, only real girls can attract real boys.
We adults need to understand a principle that a child's behavior depends on the facts he believes, not the real facts.
? Accompanying children to grow up is not an easy process, but it is not easy to get rewards. One of the best rewards is that children will lead us into their world, awaken our childhood memories, temporarily put aside all greed, hatred, parting and begging in the real world and enjoy the pure happiness of the moment.
This is a customized gift for parents. It will be delivered on time and will be invalid when it expires.
Boys grow up in a different way from girls. They need wider borders. Since wild horses are raised at home, we should give them a grassland. If you only give him a sheepfold, it is like thinking about the description of the boys in the class by the junior high school teacher: naughty, gentle and naive; Or describe the boys in the class as junior high school girls: not as smart as us, not as blinking as us, and the funniest thing is that we are not as strong as us.
? When a child is unable to directly face an opponent who is stronger than himself, it is normal to use imagination to relieve stress.
? ..... Children aged 2-4 live in two worlds at the same time, one is the real world suitable for adults, and the other is their own fantasy world. These two worlds are parallel, coexisting and overlapping.
Compared with the authority of the mother, children of this age are too weak. Struggled a few times and then surrendered. Over time, children will form a conditioned reflex: I must obey the authority, and the authority cannot resist. The fiercer the resistance, the stronger the counterattack.
Children who grow up in such a family environment, like a beautifully tied hairy crab, will never lose their arms and legs because of running around and fighting with each other, but they will also lose their ability to protect themselves.
? Children who leave home and enter the collective environment have a natural instinct, that is, self-doubt. They all hope to confirm that they are a popular person and a valuable person through the identification of social groups, so as to gradually form a stable self. If a child does not lay a solid foundation in the family, once there is a problem with the evaluation standard of this social environment, the child's self-formation will definitely go wrong.
? Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said: A child taken care of by his mother when he was a child will be taken care of by others when he grows up. This means that if children are trained too well when they are young, they will pinch soft persimmons for others when they grow up. Four words, that is, "a good baby is easy to be timid."
? Theoretically speaking, kindergarten is an upward extension of family, not a downward extension of primary school.
This relationship further clarifies the orientation of kindergartens.
The process of children's growth is a process of gradual differentiation, from the binary relationship between mother and child to the ternary relationship between mother, father and child, and then to the rich and diverse relationship in kindergarten.
For children with low collars, they can hardly remember those cultural landscapes and historical sites when traveling. The only thing they can remember is the pure happy time when their parents accompanied them during the trip. Because this is the memory of body and emotion, not the cerebral cortex, this memory will never be forgotten.
Numerous theories and data prove that a person's work efficiency and quality of life, especially his ability to recover after a major blow (adversity quotient), depend on whether he has a good social support system. Being able to effectively construct and make full use of social support system is an important part of success.
? The so-called social support system refers to the material and spiritual help and support that individuals can get from others in their own social networks.
Generally speaking, a person's success depends on what kind of circle of friends he has, what kind of circle of friends he can build for himself and what kind of help he can get from his circle of friends. This ability is much more important than education, financial resources, physical strength and beauty. This is the charm of personality.
From the perspective of systematic family therapy, personal problems are the presentation of family problems, personal life style is often the repetition of family life style, family is an interrelated system, and the decisive factor of the problem is the way of family interaction.
? Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said a very interesting sentence: the culture of son preference is the protection of women, because in this culture, once you are valued, you are finished.
In our traditional culture, if a person is valued, he should aim high from an early age, be ambitious, follow the rules, work hard, stay away from vulgar tastes, restrain worldly desires, and strive to be a pure person, a person who is not like a normal person and a person who processes according to other people's standards. People who are not valued are people who grow up according to human nature, are relatively normal people and live according to their own standards.
? As the saying goes, loving mothers often fail. Lao Wu said: A strong mother is versatile.
A loving mother is a failure because she dotes on her son to meet her own needs. Strong mothers give birth to mediocre sons because they vent their anger by castrating their sons.
Mead divided the whole human culture into three basic types from the way of cultural communication: post-figurative culture, co-figurative culture and pre-figurative culture.
Established culture: refers to the younger generation mainly learning from the older generation.
Mutual aid culture: This means that both the younger generation and the older generation learn from their peers.
Immature culture: refers to the elders learning from the younger generation in turn.
? Children's creativity is protected, not cultivated, because creativity is a child's natural instinct, and it is enough for parents to protect it from being destroyed. Maybe we need to rethink the way we treat children, because the future is no longer a simple continuation of today, but a complete subversion of today.
? We are better at following than leading.
? Learning from children is the best way for parents to grow up.
As long as you want to praise someone, you will find something worthy of praise.
? When a child's exclusive desire is not satisfied, all sharing is false, and it goes against the wishes of adults in order to please them.
? The Italian old lady (Montessori) believes that children are the fathers of adults.
……
The old lady also issued a solemn warning: "Without the help of children, adults will be decadent. If an adult doesn't try to renew himself, a hard shell will begin to form around his heart, which will eventually make him insensitive. "
The most important psychological task of adolescent children is to develop the ability of self-identification. Children need to determine their own value and positioning through the eyes of their peers, so they need to communicate with their peers at high frequency.
Education will eventually return to the essence, that is, the influence of life on life.
Reading in a difficult situation is the least efficient way to read.
? People's brains perform best when they are surrounded by positive emotions, not when they are pessimistic or calm.
……
When people are happier and more active, they will become more successful.
? Instead of complaining that children are unwilling to "suffer hardships", it is better to think about who turned learning into "hardship".
? In the modern society with more and more opportunities, everyone should give full play to their strengths to gain corresponding social and economic status, instead of struggling like a rabbit just to swim faster than a tortoise.
Therefore, whether it is bitter or not is not absolute. You do the same thing, whether you are a monkey (so hard) or a monkey (so happy) has nothing to do with it, but with your mentality when you do it.
No one in this world is afraid of pain. What we really fear is that pain is meaningless.
Adler, a famous psychologist, said in the book "Children's Personality Education": "Teachers are not responsible for the school system, but it is best that they can alleviate the inhuman and harsh side of this system with personal sympathy and understanding."
To accompany children to grow up, we must understand the laws of children's psychological development. Familiar with the law, expect the enemy to be happy first; A little knowledge, hasty response is forbearance.
? Mom's language is back, mom is back. Mom came back, and so did her love.
……
When maternal love comes back, the child's heart will settle down.
? Between parents and children, in addition to love, there is also a layer of "loyalty": you respect me one foot and I respect you one foot! You are so kind to me, tolerate my rebellion, understand my pressure, don't judge me by my grades, treat me more important than my grades. I can't be too sorry for you. I know that learning is the primary task at this stage. I know you want me to spend more energy and time on my study. I will do my best, not only for you, but also for myself.
? From a psychological point of view, the process of children growing up all the way is also a process of losing dependence.
? Parents give their children a hint of psychological independence and growth through the ceremony of each growth node. Children will also know that they have lost some dependence, but gained more love and unconditional love through these ceremonies.
Growth and dependence, like the two ends of a seesaw, can only be played if they are roughly balanced. ..... In order to keep the balance of the seesaw, the only thing we can do is to compensate them for what they have to lose with love.
? Growing up is like a long journey that children have to complete independently in the cold winter, and no one can replace it. Parental love is like food and clothes. The best help we can give our children is to let them eat and wear warm clothes before they go and let them go further.