So I will always live in my own lonely and simple world, and I can't get into complexity.
To get into complexity, there must be such a beginning. A self-fragile person perceives that the important objects of the outside world are basically well-intentioned, and their message is to strengthen themselves, not to destroy them. Only under this perception can we open ourselves up and absorb the information of important objects.
? The most important thing is to form a tough and cohesive self. With a cohesive self, all problems will become simple.
The self is formed in the relationship, and the cohesive self is also formed first in the relationship, and it must be based on my good feeling.
Self and relationship have two dimensions: strength and good and evil. Strength is who is strong and who is weak in the relationship; Good and evil are love or hate in a relationship.
When you are strong and basically kind, it is easiest to expand yourself under such conditions, so that you have a complete and complex human nature.
When basic goodwill is scarce, we will strongly pursue strength, but at the same time we will be afraid of strength, revenge and jealousy.
The above summary is based on one basic point: everyone is narcissistic. When "I" feel that "you" are kind, I am willing to bow my head and admit that I may not be as good as you, and let go of narcissism to attach myself;
On the contrary, I don't want to bow my head when I feel it is malicious. If it forces me to obey, I will shut myself down.
However, when you are a kind "you" and when you are a hostile "it" depends on how the object treats me. If you are willing to nourish me and tolerate me, I will feel good. If you are using me and exploiting me, I will perceive it as malicious.
Therefore, "I" is the measure of everything.
Good and evil in relationships have been discussed a lot, but what Mr. Wu said here is that we must pay attention to the dimension of power in relationships.
For example, when the trust relationship in consultation is not firmly established, the consultant is too strong and powerful, which is not good for visitors. In this regard, Mr. Wu has two impressive details.
The first detail is that a male visitor said to him, "Mr. Wu, I must tell you that while consulting you, I also found a consultant with very little experience." She is obviously not as good as you, but I feel that she has benefited a lot. "
Ask him, how did this benefit come from? He didn't say it clearly at first, but it became clear as soon as he mentioned it.
He said: "Sometimes your insight scares me, but with a novice consultant, I don't have to worry that she will see through my heart, which makes me feel safe."
After further discussion, they found that when the counselor can't see his heart, he will have a sense of pride, feel that the counselor is not as good as him, and at the same time feel that he can see through the counselor's heart.
Of course, this is just his feeling, not necessarily true. Another detail is that a female tourist told him about her complicated family relationship.
She was very uncomfortable in a complicated relationship, and Teacher Wu gave her a detailed interpretation and analysis. She is very sure. At the end of this consultation, she said, "Teacher Wu, how can you be so powerful!"
Because it was the consultation time, they didn't discuss the meaning of his sentence. In the following consultation, they discussed her verdict.
Finally, she said that his well-informed interpretation and analysis made her feel inferior, and she wondered why she couldn't think of it.
Moreover, she also thought about the similar feelings when she got along with her parents, husbands and all kinds of people, all of which were said by others. At this time, she would become speechless.
In these two stories, visitors have a competitive desire to compete with psychological counselors. They all want to be the main body in the psychological counseling relationship, and hope that the psychological counselor can nourish their narcissism, not satisfy their narcissism.
Of course, it needs to be emphasized again that this is an inevitable demand when the consulting relationship is not deep enough. When the consulting relationship becomes full of trust, the feeling of competition will loosen.
At the same time, it is more important to emphasize that most visitors' competitive desire is suppressed, so the key of consultation is not to tame their competitive desire, but to explore and encourage it.
Tell another story. On one occasion, Mr. Wu went to other places to give lectures, and the targets were all rich second generation.
One of the boys wants to "provoke" him from all sides and deliberately express his disdain in various ways. Later, Mr. Wu asked him to tell his story.
Therefore, he said, there are two laws between him and his father. Any decision made by his father is always right. Any decision he makes is always wrong. The feeling that he will never be as good as his father deeply hit him.
Later, when I met his father, Mr. Wu told him how his son felt. He was shocked and said that he never thought that his hard work would bring so much pressure to his children.
Then the father remembered one thing, that is, when his son was in the senior grade of elementary school, the father and son were playing boxing and he slipped. His son knocked him to the ground with one punch, and at the moment he fell to the ground, he was very disappointed to see his son.
So from then on, he told himself to be a strong father and not to let his son down. This is a complicated moment. The son was disappointed with his father and happy to beat him.
But the father only saw his son's disappointment with himself, but did not see his son's desire for competition. Then my teacher thinks it's probably because the father can't really accept the fact that his son is sometimes better than himself.
Everyone wants to start his life with a subjective consciousness, so he will have a strong desire to compete, to strengthen himself in various ways, and to compete in various relationships.
This is a normal and natural psychological need. If you can't see your own needs, or easily ignore the needs of people around you, then you need to remind yourself that you have ignored a major need in human nature.
So, we can also think about it. Are parents or various authorities who are happy to see their children or subordinates obedient, and those who are really obedient and obedient to the bone marrow all ignore this basic human nature?
The question of strength and the question of good and evil are closely linked. When these two dimensions are combined with self, relationship and other factors, countless complex human nature will be born, which is also the source of complexity in the real world.
Moreover, the more sinister the environment, the easier it is for people to care about strength. But it also leads to the most basic question about aggression:
1. When I show aggression, I will be afraid of being punished or even destroyed. This kind of worry makes me feel weak, so I feel ashamed;
2. I show aggression, and I find that I will show aggression in front of the person I love, which makes me feel guilty, but I still want to show my aggression. I feel guilty after seriously hurting the person I love.
You may have heard that eastern culture is a culture of shame and western culture is a culture of guilt. In the eyes of some psychoanalysts, the fundamental point of this statement lies in:
Oriental culture suppresses individuality and tends to weaken itself, so there is a general sense of shame; Western culture encourages individuality, so there is guilt.
On the road of life, a person is easily tortured by these two feelings. When you are weak, you are easy to feel ashamed, and when you are strong, you are easy to feel guilty.
Teacher Wu believes that the solution to this conflict is emotion, that is, good and evil. When you really find that strength is only one dimension of life.
In addition to this dimension, the dimension of good and evil is also extremely important, especially when you can completely live in love and connection, so that shame and guilt can be resolved.
Regarding these two dimensions, Mr. Wu thinks it can be summarized as: encourage self-improvement and don't forget to pull back the relationship.
A domestic psychological counselor has a classic treatment story. Once, one of his visitors slammed the door out in anger. He followed and said, "Remember next time, I will wait for you here."
This is a very healing moment, which means that you can show yourself to the maximum, and all this can happen in our relationship.
Of course, I have to add that the premise of showing myself is when there is no serious injury. Although human nature and life are very complicated, in Mr. Wu's view, it may be interpreted with such a simple latitude.
However, in the latitude of simplicity and complexity, apart from this part of the content that has been repeatedly discussed, there is another thing that is easily overlooked by us, that is, words, principles and ideas are always simple, and it is bound to be complicated for us to live these seemingly simple philosophies.
Do you dare to live in complexity? This is a fundamental problem.
1. Ego and relationship have two dimensions, strength and good and evil. Strength refers to who is strong and who is weak in a relationship, and good and evil refers to love or hate in a relationship.
When you are strong and basically well-intentioned, it is easiest for us to expand ourselves and thus have a complete and complex human nature.
2. Everyone wants to develop his life with a subjective consciousness, so he will have a strong desire to compete, want to strengthen himself in various ways, and want to compete in various environmental relations.
3. On the road of life, a person is easily tortured by these two feelings, and it is easy to feel ashamed when he is weak; When you are strong, it is easy to feel guilty.
The solution to this conflict is emotion, that is, good and evil. When you can live completely in love and connection, shame and guilt will be resolved.
4. Strength and good and evil are closely linked, and the combination of these two dimensions and self, relationship and other factors will produce complex human nature, which is also the source of complexity in the real world.
These two dimensions can be summarized as encouraging self-improvement and don't forget to pull back the relationship.
This kind of father's decision is always right, and his own decision is always wrong. This feeling has always accompanied my youth and early adulthood. Every time I see a conflict with an object, it's someone else's fault.
This frustration is really painful, especially after repeated experiences. You need to feel love and connection in your relationship, so that you can strengthen yourself. When you become stronger, you are less likely to be crushed by setbacks.
When I am strong, it is enough to face the wind and rain outside. I was attacked, which showed that I was weak, so I was ashamed; I attacked others, and it was wrong to attack such behavior, so I felt guilty.
People are naturally aggressive, and it is easy to become competitive when they show it in relationships. I have always vaguely felt that I have the impulse to compare with others, but here I am clearly aware of this for the first time.
Good, evil, strong and weak, now seems to be a choice. By choosing evil, I can release my aggression, competitive desire and narcissism at will. Choosing kindness can build love and connection.
Choosing weakness can escape from reality, attract the sympathy of people around you, and use "bad guys" against the world; If you choose to be strong, you can have your own strength and fight against the world.
In this way, every choice is good and a way to face the world. Seeing a hidden self means breaking away from a layer of bondage. I hope I have a life that I have the final say.
Thank you for your appreciation. The viewpoint comes from "A Course of Psychology in Wu Zhihong". Do you have any other comments on the content of this article? Welcome to leave a message and discuss with me.