Love is delicious only if it is paid.
When king of comedy Stephen Chow was interviewed by Chai Jing a few years ago, when asked about his personal feelings, the white-haired Star Master, who had passed his destiny, said sadly, "I am unlucky. Do you think I still have a chance? " It makes people feel sad
I met an older single young man some time ago. Whenever I meet him, I see him holding his mobile phone high and staring at the screen. At the same time, his feet keep walking. At that time, he didn't look at his mobile phone, but walked home with a big bucket of Coke Sprite suit in his right hand and left hand.
What I want to say is that no matter what age, most people may not want to die alone, but are eager to enter love and marriage and taste the sweet taste of a happy life. But many people, including Stephen Chow, may lack the courage and action to enter marriage and love others bravely. On the surface, many so-called older "single dog" always complain that they are unlucky, lack of fate, have not met their own Mr Right, or simply feel that they are in poor condition, average in appearance, average in economy, and even don't like themselves. Can you expect others to love me?
Kishida fumio Ichiro, a Japanese philosopher and Adler psychological research expert, pointed out sharply in his book "Little Philosophy in Love" that it is not because we think we lack charm, are too fat and ugly to have money, or are too old to enter marriage and love. On the contrary, I subconsciously found a lot of specious reasons and excuses for myself because I didn't dare to enter marriage and love. He quoted Adler as saying, "When people realize that they are valuable, they will have courage." This kind of courage refers to the courage to participate in interpersonal relationships. People who are worried about getting hurt in communication often don't take the initiative to participate in interpersonal communication.
"If you want to make people who retreat upward, you must make them realize their own value and like themselves from the bottom of their hearts." Most of us are ordinary people. While accepting that you are an ordinary person, you should be seriously responsible for your work and life every day, so that you will not underestimate yourself and have the courage and confidence to participate in interpersonal communication, including marriage and love. After all, we are all the same ordinary people and there is nothing to be afraid of. And if you have to abandon yourself, indulge yourself, and muddle along with the obsession that "no one will like me anyway", then you may have proved yourself and predicted that no one will really like a person who is so inferior and indulgent.
Besides self-confidence, courage and good luck, you need at least the following three philosophies to have a good relationship.
First, self-righteous love can only be regarded as "narcissism" in essence. You are in love only if you love TA in the way that the other person needs.
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Terzo Kato, a Japanese psychologist, once wrote in Why Do We Love So Tired? The book profoundly points out, "Love others the way you think you love, not love, but love others the way they need, that is true love." Perhaps when many of us are in love, we often unconsciously focus on feelings and buy flowers and various expensive gifts for our lovers. In order to create good living conditions for lovers, we work overtime every day to make money and are busy with our careers, so we think we are in love. What lovers really need is that you have time to spend with her and listen to her.
In the book, Terzo Kato mentioned that a husband worked overtime every day to make money and bought a big house and a car for his family. He thought his wife would be very satisfied and happy, but she was miserable. It turns out that his wife doesn't care much about external material conditions at all. Instead of living in a big villa in the suburbs and driving an imported car, the wife is more eager for her husband to spend more time with her, take care of the children and live together safely and warmly.
When my sister just got married a few years ago, they often quarreled and fought. Every time I am a mediator, I feel helpless. Once, my sister couldn't stand her brother-in-law's drunken domestic violence and had to divorce, but at this time their children were two or three years old, which of course doesn't mean that they can leave if they want. I blamed my brother-in-law angrily. "Why are you so timid? Only the most timid man in the world will beat his wife, then take it out on his wife and get drunk! " "Although my brother-in-law realized that he was wrong to hit people, he felt that he earned more money at work than his sister, so he was the head of the family, and he had the final say in this family.
Finally, under the crisis of divorce, he finally realized that he was too paranoid and irritable, and promised that he would completely correct his mistakes in the future and put an end to all cold and hot violence of beating and swearing. In fact, my sister doesn't care about her brother-in-law's salary at all. Rather than earning more money, she hoped that he would drink less, not get drunk, have a calm and warm temper, and let the young couple live a good life.
Of course, what needs to be emphasized is to love someone in the way that the other person needs. This is a requirement for yourself, but it cannot be reversed. This also requires a lover to love you the way you want. If so, then love becomes an equivalent exchange, a business, and there is no such thing as a good feeling.
On the other hand, if both sides can love and respect each other in the way the other wants, it will be natural and harmonious, but even if lovers can't love us in the way we want, we should see their sincerity from their words and deeds, and be more sure and appreciate their love. At the same time, strengthen communication, mutual understanding and mutual respect, then the relationship between the two will certainly get better and better.
As psychologist Adler said, "The most important thing is to care about the happiness of the people you love more than yourself. The only way to consolidate love is to learn to enrich your partner's life and make TA peaceful and happy ... In love, people will succeed in the state of' giving'. This is the unchangeable law of love and marriage. "
Second, don't expect to fall in love with the "ideal object", but with a truly ordinary and living lover;
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I guess I was unconsciously influenced by various love movies, TV dramas and idol dramas. When we enter marriage and love, we may expect our lover to be the only one, the one who is destined to be, and the "ideal type" that only suits us, and therefore project a perfect expectation to our over-high lover. Once lovers fail to achieve their psychological expectations and perfect expectations in the actual process of getting along, the sense of disillusionment in their hearts will be particularly strong and turbulent, and they will feel that they are very inhuman, so they will soon give up and think that they should forget it.
In fact, the so-called "love at first sight" and the so-called "destiny takes a hand's only" view of marriage and love are essentially just a narcissistic projection illusion; Two people have only met once or twice and can't even say a few words at all. You don't even know each other's personality, temper and lifestyle. How can you be so sure that the other person is the only one for you?
Psychological research shows that there are at least 10,000 heterosexual people in this world who are suitable for our marriage and love, and the lover you finally choose will be obviously influenced and restricted by the region, occupation and life circle. Facts show that compared with strangers who fall in love at first sight, people are more likely to have feelings for colleagues, friends and classmates whom they often meet and are familiar with, and eventually get married. As we all know, the more familiar you are, the safer you are, and the more likely you are to be moved and spark love.
After we establish a marriage relationship with each other, we should realize that the other party, like us, is an ordinary person with advantages and disadvantages; Don't unconsciously project the illusion of "ideal perfection" on lovers, and then attribute all right and wrong to fate and providence. Love comes from two people, not an old man who leads the red line to give you charity.
In daily life, we naturally like, appreciate and attach ourselves to the beautiful side of our lover. At the same time, we may criticize, teach and even dislike our lovers' small shortcomings. In fact, it may not be that lovers really have great shortcomings, but it exposes a projection psychology that we are used to criticizing ourselves and others.
Psychologically speaking, if we are hard on ourselves at ordinary times, it is easier to be hard on others; If we are used to appreciating the commonness of tolerating ourselves, it is easier for us to open our hearts to appreciate the commonness of tolerating our lovers. Furthermore, if you like beautiful women, good temper and a lot of money, you don't really like each other, because everyone likes such people; At the same time, it can also tolerate and accept the shortcomings of lovers. This is the true love, true love and unique person.
Just like the psychology professor who lost his wife in the movie Good Will Hunting. He accepted his wife's unique living habits and her little indecent behavior of sleeping and farting. Finally, he told the unruly young man Will, "Ask love, you will quote sonnets, but you have never seen a woman's fragility. She can knock you down with her eyes. She thinks God sent an angel to earth for you. She can save you from hell. You have no idea what it's like to be an angel. With eternal love for her, after all this and cancer, you can't understand sleeping in the hospital for two months and holding her hand, because the doctor knows from your eyes that the visiting hours are invalid for you. You don't understand the real loss. Only by loving others more than yourself can you understand. I doubt whether you dare to love others like that ... and she knows all my little faults, which people call imperfections. Actually, this is a good thing. You can choose who to let into our world. "
If you love someone wholeheartedly, you won't care about each other's ordinary or even small shortcomings. You just love TA, a unique person. If the other person loves you wholeheartedly, no matter whether you are handsome or not, whether you earn a lot of money, whether you have a respected position, etc., then there is true and beautiful love between you.
Third, you can't only have "lovers" in your eyes, and you can't fall in love while you are alive;
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Adler said that we learn to love the world by loving someone. While enjoying the sweet little world with our lover, we may realize more that we can't just live for ourselves and our lover. All lovers will be fine, and we hope all lovers in the world will be fine. We live a happy, sweet and peaceful life, and we hope everyone in the world will live a happy and beautiful life.
Therefore, while enjoying a beautiful love and taking good care of our lover, we will also be more proactive and conscientious in fulfilling our life and work responsibilities, and continue to contribute to the well-being of more people, the value and significance of live high's life. As Mr. Lu Xun said, "Infinite distance and infinite people are all related to me." Through love, we will not only learn to love others, but also learn to love the world; We learn to go out of self-centeredness and pay for our lover through love; I will further learn to surpass myself and love and work hard for the well-being of the public. This is the greater meaning of love.
Erich Fromm, a great psychologist and philosopher, pointed out in his book The Art of Love, "Immature love says, I love you because I need you; Mature love says that I need you because I love you. " Immature people need love and others to meet their material needs, spiritual needs and psychological attachment needs, so they are eager to love and attach to others. Mature people need you just because they love you; I don't want anything from you, just because you are unique and there is love in my heart, so I don't want anything in return. I insist on dedicating my life to my lover and the world with the burning of love and eternal flame!