I picked up my cell phone. It was about 1: 30 in the morning. I found out his WeChat and looked through several friends. I can't find any news about the recent life dynamics. I don't know where I got the courage to send messages I just want to tell him that at this moment, this night, I am lying in a dark corner and really miss him. I said bluntly: Are you asleep? I miss you. . .
? Maybe I didn't do it right, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to tell him. After all, I haven't contacted him much in recent years. After all, after so many years, I have endured everything I want to say and ask. Now that people are in middle age, their youth has passed more than half. At midnight, I missed something. Why can't I tell someone?
? He replied with a lame expression, I'm glad he didn't sleep. He asked me why I was still up, and I answered truthfully that I dreamed of him. Once again, get up the courage to ask, have you thought about me? He didn't answer me directly, only that he dreamed of Yantai that year.
? At that time, I had not graduated from college. At that time, our love was strong.
? Everyone's love story has its own version, even the hero and heroine, I'm afraid the version is different. My predecessor mentioned many times that he began to be interested in me in high school. We were in the class next door. For three years in high school, I hardly talked to him. I don't remember him very much. At that time, I fell behind many people's footsteps, and I have always realized this. I don't know how to dress up, and I feel inferior and strong. Then I began to learn to fall in love and rebel. My first love and kiss passed before I knew love. My only impression of him is from Internet cafes and qq. I vaguely remember that we chatted on qq for a long time in two relatively close Internet cafes opposite the school. Later, we agreed to meet and take me home, and then we walked side by side under the street lamp. His hair is so long that it covers his face. My impression of him stays in this silhouette with his face covered by hair, his head down, his hands in his pockets and few words. This is the only intersection I remember with him in high school recently. Others are far from the campus. He is always talking and laughing with a group of boys in twos and threes. I always try to bypass him by myself, instead of avoiding him deliberately. At that time, I had no special feelings for him, but I was afraid of these boys and felt embarrassed. At that time, I was so insecure that I didn't want to be watched by all of them.
The high school version, my predecessor is definitely different from me, because later he sent me an article about a boy's crazy fantasy about a girl in high school, and he said it reminded him of his high school life, which was very close. Said he was with me all the time, but I said I didn't remember. Actually, I really don't remember, but I clearly remember that he had a girl and a recognized girlfriend. I think that's why I haven't thought much about it. Although times have changed, I didn't ask him about his mentality at that time. I'm always afraid of destroying something. At the same time, I was flattered by my high school days.
We really started to be together in my junior year, 2006, a very cold winter. Many memories are a little vague, and reconnection should also be through QQ. At that time, I had a boyfriend who had been dating for about six months. He is an emotional Pisces boy. He has been chasing me since high school, but I never felt it. He is four years older than me and has already worked in Beijing. Because I have to change trains from Beijing every time I go to Yantai, he naturally becomes a transit station to meet me, is responsible for the pick-up and drop-off arrangements, and takes good care of me. Until that summer, I started to have a high fever from my hometown to Beijing and was delayed in Beijing. I am very touched. The boy took the opportunity to ask if he could be his girlfriend. I said I didn't like it, but I felt someone was taking care of me. He said it's okay. Give me this chance, and I will make you like me. I agreed. In fact, I regret thinking about it. I feel that I personally ruined a friendship that could have lasted for decades. And broke a heart that later liked me. That's a little far. Let's go back to the hero. That winter, we met by chance on QQ, and I can't remember the specific conversation, which probably means,
He asked, do you remember who I am?
I said, I don't remember,
He said, forget it.
I said, why not? Who the fuck are you ?
He said: Every time I ask you, you don't remember. It's so sad.
I said, I really don't know.
He seems to have changed the subject and asked, where are you?
I said, if I stay in Beijing, I won't be able to buy a ticket home.
At that time, the Spring Festival travel rush craze, like now, was always hard to get a ticket, and it was difficult to go home every New Year.
He said, let me do something for you!
Then he tried his best to help me find a way and called me twice to buy a ticket. He also said that I could go to places near my hometown by train. He drove to pick me up. He really helped me at that time. I was a little embarrassed and kept saying thank you. Of course, we left our mobile phone number and called once or twice about buying tickets. I also promised to go home and invite him to dinner to show my gratitude. I was really just being polite.
Then there is a vigorous winter vacation. The story began in the Spring Festival in 2005-06. Because of memory and writing, it is impossible to tell the story clearly in order. Only those fragments are still clear.
Part I: Eating for the first time
One day at three or four o'clock in the afternoon, I received a phone call from him at a dinner party and asked me if you would not be having dinner with others at this time. Before that, he asked me out several times, and I also attended dinner with others, mostly old classmates. I said it was unfortunate, but I was really embarrassed and said I could go and have dinner with him. It was our first formal meeting for dinner after graduating from high school, and he brought a buddy. Wearing a black velvet suit, my hair is a little long, as if it had been permed. Looking back now, he was still very complacent at that time, and we were really immature.
Duanbier KTV
With him, many memories stay in KTV and billiards hall. At that time, we were really fun, very fun. What impressed me the most was the big party on Valentine's Day, and the name Siramuren became special because of that night. I think among our friends, there should be many people who remember that night, stand in their own perspective and record that youth with their own memories. At that time, there were many men and many women, and I was brought into their big group by him. They looked at me critically from beginning to end, and the girls whispered to each other, perhaps commenting on me, and greeted me politely on the surface. This large group of people kept heckling him, but he just kept looking at me and smiling silently. That night, we were in deep affection. I am actually very uncomfortable, and because I am immersed in the joy of falling in love, my IQ has become zero. When I wriggled, I almost only saw him and didn't pay attention to what others thought of me. If I hadn't become best friends with his girlfriend, maybe I would never have known what they thought of me and how they evaluated me that night, and felt that everyone was as loving and friendly as me. The truth is, most people thought that my idea at that time was unreliable, just a passer-by among their brothers and women, a bad woman who might hurt their brothers. We took a lot of photos that night. Although I deleted them, almost every photo remained in my heart, because in the next ten years, we will never be like that again.
Fragment tricycles
One night, I forgot the cause and effect. I remember he suddenly drove me to an intersection on the pedestrian street. I asked why. He said that you wait for me, then get off in a hurry and run to a gold and silver jewelry store opposite. At that time, the shutter doors of that store were all pulled down by half. He got on the bus and came out soon. When he got back to the bus, he gave me a ring, which was similar to the one I had in my hand.
The fourth part, the first parting
Although we were all endlessly ambiguous that winter vacation, I didn't formally break up with Pisces boys at that time. Pisces boys never wanted to give up, and my predecessor didn't formally ask me to be his girlfriend at that time. We just kept testing each other and playing hard to get. Until the end of my winter vacation, Pisces bought a train ticket back to Beijing in advance and wanted me to stay in Beijing for a few more days. The night before departure, he drove me aimlessly around the street, the speed was as slow as a snail and the atmosphere was stagnant. I've been sitting in the co-pilot looking out the window, but I'm waiting for him to say something in my heart, but he rarely talks and talks about some topics casually. Later, I don't know how long it took. He sent me home, and I got off the bus silently. In the end, I didn't say anything, so I went back to Beijing with Pisces. Writing here reminds me that this parting should be before Valentine's Day.
The real beginning of the fifth part
After returning to Beijing, my heart has actually been with him. Although Pisces has understood it, he still doesn't want to give up. He has been trying to keep me by his side, which is one way. I've been sending him messages, but I forgot the specific turning point. I only remember that one night, he picked up enough paper and said that he actually had a girlfriend at that time, but he had already broken up with me. Let me make a choice. If I don't like him, he won't bother us anymore. If I like him, he will come to Beijing to meet me at once. At that time, it was the feeling of eleven or twelve o'clock in the evening, according to my own wishes. At that time, I was eager to return to him, which was a feeling that had never been seen before. That throbbing is really beautiful. I think our feelings at that time should be similar, because he arrived in Beijing the next morning, and the journey of more than 500 kilometers took only about 4 hours. We started fair and square that day. This should happen before Valentine's Day.
Segment 6: Kissing like cheating.
I wonder if he remembers. The first time we kissed, it was at ktv. I pretended to be sentimental, but he didn't drink it, but he became wild and drunk. He forgot why there were only two of us in the private room, or did we just sing a song? It is said that we really loved singing KTV in those two years, and there may really be no other place to go, and this place is the best place to hide embarrassment and kill time. Anyway, I remember it was a small private room. Somehow, we sit very close, somehow, we get very close. In short, I have never seen that kind of kiss before and after, and I have never seen the mood at that moment.
Fragment 7 Good things are always short-lived.
I always feel that the feelings that have been entangled for so long, in fact, the best memories are concentrated in the original ambiguity. Because the closer you get, the deeper you get hurt and the farther your heart is pushed. Because at that age, we didn't know what the problem was. We think that love is everything and can solve everything. We think that we can meet whenever we want, and we can be together whenever we want, which is a kind of happiness. However, the lack of mutual understanding, the disparity of family background and the emergence of practical problems have directly crushed us who are still young. We are at a loss, but we don't know where to remedy them. It turned out that such a beautiful emotion was easily shattered by him and me. After I went back to school in Yantai, I couldn't bear the pain of lovesickness, so he followed me and stayed with me for a while. Looking back now, it was this wayward time that destroyed the original things between us. At that time, I was willful and arrogant, and I didn't know how to get along at all. I only know how to take it. Maybe at that time, many people misunderstood me, remembered my growing background, and thought I was a material woman or a gold digger. But I know that he must not think so much about me. I know I'm not. It's just that I didn't have time to know how much I loved him at that time. I just want to prove how much he loves himself and tried everything. But forget, to love someone, you have to love yourself first and make yourself worthy of love first.
The eighth clip The most touching birthday
Maybe he helped me spend many birthdays, but the most touching birthday was the year I just graduated and came to Beijing to look for a job, which should be 2007. I quarreled with my sister, ran out of her house and quarreled with him. I was breaking up, helpless and confused. Later, when he learned about my situation, he let go of the breakup and arranged temporary accommodation for my classmates in Beijing. I brought a simple suitcase and lived in a rented room. I was not too sad on my birthday, because I had no expectations. I went downstairs to a strange place to buy slippers and a washbasin, and wandered around a place like a rural market for a long time. Consider looking for a job. Then he called and said that he wanted me to get a present at night. He sent for it. I am confident and happy. I've been thinking about what the gift is. At about 90 pm, he called to say that the gift had arrived and asked me to go downstairs and get it. I went downstairs and saw his car in the street. At that moment, I thought he was like an angel, only without wings. I'm afraid that happiness will be lost in a blink of an eye. I'm afraid that everything at that time would be like a dream. I don't know if it was shown on my face at that time. Of all the birthdays, only that one is so unforgettable.
There is such a love letter in the ninth clip.
I wonder if the hero remembers it himself. In fact, he once wrote me something like a love letter. Probably a page is not full, but the content is vaguely remembered. He has been fantasizing about our future life scene, what our future home will be like, and wants to marry and have children with me and join hands for life. I called once and saved it in the computer. Anyway, I saved the only love letter in various ways. And then disappeared with our photos. Only a few words of vows of eternal love remain in my mind, perhaps even the parties themselves have forgotten.
What supported me through the most difficult days?
In these years, the most difficult day is to resign from the postgraduate entrance examination, and I am desperate under pressure. The most painful thing is not the pressure of the exam, but the difficulty of breaking up with him. I live in a rented house full of cockroaches, with only room for a single bed. Put the instant noodles on the kettle cover with a bag every night, get up at 6 o'clock in the morning to study for yourself, eat the canteen alone at noon every day, take a lunch break on the bench in the campus pavilion in summer, sleep with three chairs in the seat in winter, and learn to 1 1 close the study room at night. Walk back to the rental house alone. It was too cold in winter, so I put all my thick clothes on the quilt and didn't have time and spare money to buy down jackets, so I wore three cotton-padded clothes to resist the cold in Shenyang. Mathematics with the worst foundation is the most difficult to chew, so I spend a lot of time doing math exercises every day and often collapse and tear up books. When the exam is approaching, the atmosphere in the classroom is so tense that every day, research friends suddenly cry. In the end, there were only three people left in the classroom, including me, and all the books in the professional courses were memorized. On the last day, I almost memorized the whole book, there was no place to mark the crayons, and the book had been turned over, so I got the proud score of 150. What sustained me through that period was my persistent feelings for him. At that time, I thought that only by making myself better can he see me again and appreciate me regardless of all difficulties. In many sleepless nights, when I seem to be in an endless abyss and feel helpless, I may have sent him a message in the distance, or I may have called him and cried. I can't remember clearly. I only remember calling his good friend once and crying, saying that I couldn't let him go. Maybe the other party doesn't know this. At that time, I didn't know what kind of life he lived and what kind of mood he felt every day. Maybe he seldom thought of me. I don't know these things, and I will never have an answer.
The eleventh paragraph saw him holding someone's hand.
Although we may have broken up for longer than we spent together, we always felt that we didn't really get out of each other's lives. It was not until I really saw that scene with my own eyes that I slowly got out of the whirlpool he left me. It should be 20 13 years 10 month/day. I don't remember what year it was. In short, it was a holiday in November, and the weather was very good, but I was lonely and didn't know what to do. I called a girl and didn't ask her out. There is a boy I met in a remedial class on WeChat one year. He didn't know much about it, so he stayed on WeChat and didn't see it after reading it several times. I was so lonely that day that I asked him out. Think that one person is better than no one. Meeting place is in front of Sanlitun 3.3. We just met and walked side by side for about five minutes. I saw the familiar face in the oncoming crowd. I only remember that the sun was dazzling, and I saw him holding another girl's hand and coming towards me, so close that we didn't have time to pretend not to see it or turn away. I just felt my legs numb, so I just stood there. He may not have expected to meet me. He let go of the girl's hand and came to say hello to me. I forgot what we said at that time. I think my expression must be unnatural. Then he left as if nothing had happened. I cried in the street for no reason. I can't help myself. I don't want to experience the feeling of being stung by my heart for the second time in my life. The boy I came with wanted to comfort me at first, but later, because he didn't understand the situation, he felt that my performance puzzled him and left by himself. I want to go home at once. I don't want to stand in the sun. I feel so heartbroken that I can't stand still and find my way. My whole brain is a mess. It took me several turns to find my way home. I don't remember how I got home. In short, everything is vague. On the way, he seemed to call me and ask me why I went home and why I was crying. I forgot how to answer. I don't think he knows how much excitement he gave me that day. Maybe I think I've done too much, and I think all this is nothing. However, what can leave more pain than seeing someone holding someone's hand in my heart? It was a memorable day, and it was an important turning point for me to get out of this relationship. It was not until that moment that I really understood that he was someone else's, that he had a new lover in his heart, and that we had broken up for so long. Yes, if we didn't see those clenched hands with our own eyes, we would always live in a self-righteous free and easy life. When I hear that he has a girlfriend, we can laugh and say that this is normal. However, what you really see is really beyond your tolerance. That day I hid in the quilt and cried for a day and a night. Then I started a new positive emotional life.
In fact, I don't know what fragments are left in the other person's mind, what can overlap with me, and what pains and nights I don't know at all are endured silently by a person. In our most carefree high school days, in the ten years when we met and fell in love, we each experienced our own youth, created each other's memories, and experienced life and reality. In fact, sometimes life is more exciting than TV series, but it is hidden in the most secret corner of everyone's own heart, and others can't know it.
Whether men or women, several people have left their marks in this life. There is no distinction between good and bad. When we are attracted to each other, we despair. When we get bored with each other, we get hysterical. When we were at a loss, we were disconnected. After all this, today, everyone will build several houses in their hearts, which are full of memories and people that only they can touch.
A few days ago, I sent a message to a sister, a friend of mine, who witnessed all this and told her that I dreamed of my ex and missed him very much in those days. I asked my sister what kind of existence I would be in his heart, whether there would be a room dedicated to me and whether it would become an indelible memory in his life. Maybe I was just a passer-by of the other party. The sisters said that no matter what, they would not be passers-by. Things have changed, there is no need to be persistent.
Yes, it's all over. Now he will have your wife, and I have my own husband and children. Although I can never bless him and other women from my heart, at least I can let go of my insistence. I have the ability to love my true lover.
Record these beautiful past, because every day, I will forget something, and suddenly I am afraid that one day I will forget everything, leaving only an empty feeling, but I can't remember the specific lines. It's a pity.
The life behind us is destined to separate us, and there will be no more ten years for us to squander, and we will have no regrets in this life. Thank you for coming into my life.